THE MERCENARIES

BY COBALTDRAGON

Leon sat up from the hard ground, his head pounding.

"Fuck…" He muttered, "Where the hell am I?"

He checked his surroundings, which appeared to have been doused in alcohol.

"Wait, that's just me."

Leon took a drink from his coffee mug and popped a 'Sober Pill' into his mouth. He felt better, so he decided to stand up. But just as he was about to try for the third time, he started convulsing like a Jewish monkey on acid. It took him about six hours to wake up and figure out what had happened.

"Dammit Red Cross! I said take some blood, not fucking ALL of it!"

But the programmers shook their omniscient heads and each had a private snicker at Leon's blatant wrongness.

"Shut up you bastards!"

Then a Riot Shotgun and Blacktail handgun appeared in Leon's hands.

"Hey, what the- where's my Rednine?"

And the programmers burst out laughing at Leon's shitty handgun, until he pointed the Riotgun at the gloomy sky; a point at which they made themselves scarce. The angry virtual secret agent unloaded the less shitty shotgun towards the sky to screams of pain and tortured giggles.

"This'll teach you to never touch my Rednine again!"

But then Jesus decended from the sky and told Leon that murder was wrong, so Leon transformed into Saddler and made Jesus kill himself.

And Leon saw that it was good.

But then Jesus sprouted a plagas from his head and Leon saw that it was bad.

Very bad.

So Leon said some nasty words and ran like hell.

And he saw that it was ok.

But then the villagers returned from watching George A. Romero's 'Land of The Dead' in the Castle and started to fill the village square.

"Aw, fuck, what smells like a fucking American?" yelled one villager, plugging his nose.

"Sorry, that was me," responded another, prompting Leon to return his hand back to its normal position.

"Well blame it on the Gigante or something next time, you dumbass!"

Unfortunately, it was about that time when Leon gets discovered. Or would have been had he not been busy asking one of lady Ganado out on a date.

"WHAT? NO? I'll kill you for this!"

Then the lady informed him that murder was wrong, so Leon transformed into Saddler and made Jesus kill himself.

And Leon saw that it was good.

Just then, Hunk walked out of the shed holding a delicious plate of tofu. Unfortunately, Jesus' body impeded his forward motion and forced Hunk to impale him/it-self in the eye with a fork.

But Hunk stood, brushed himself off, and his eyeball proceeded to be eaten with vigor (a difficult task through a Gas Mask).

"Damn, Leon. European tofu tastes like shit. I'd rather eat my own fucking eyeball."

Leon opened his mouth to speak, but Hunk was already off and running.

Bitores Mendez (The Big Cheese) turned to the Big Giant Head and raised an eyebrow, using twine to hold it in place because of his recent Botox injection.

"What was the point of that?"

"To show that the One Ring was actually just Harry Potter's darkest fears."

"Ah."

Leon turned to both of them.

"No, it was to prove that Bruce Willis' character was actually the bad guy."

The villagers began to add their opinions.

"No it was…"

"...to show…"

"…Mel Gibson…"

"…is a…"

"…homosexual…"

"…cheeselicker!"

Big Cheese, Big Giant Head, and Leon all broke out their Riot Shotguns and murdered the villagers, until The Big Giant Head decided that murder was wrong. Leon made Hunk come back, then turned into Saddler and made Jesus kill himself.

And Leon saw that the joke was old.

But it was too late, the villagers turned into mindful Zombies. And before Leon could do anything they stuffed him so full of smart things that his Health Bar exploded.

"AH-HA!" he shouted, "It was under warranty!"

So he shipped it off with proof of purchase and set about slaughtering Pokémon.

One graphic Pokémon murdering session later…

"Hahahahaha it's arrived!"

Leon took his package from the merchant with glee, and set about unwrapping it.

One graphic unwrapping session later…

"Damn, it's only my collectible Kellog's Beanie," Pouted Leon.

So he shot the merchant with his Riotgun and sat down to wait for the Fedex man.

One graphic… aw shit, you get the idea.

With his brand spanking new Health Bar, Leon was ready to face the villagers. Unfortunately, they had all gone home for the night, so he wasted some time murdering helpless McDonald's employees. By the time he was done, he realized it was a bank holiday, so he grabbed some tofu and left.