Might As Well Be On Mars
A sharp pain flashes through my fingernails and into my hands as I dig them into the railing of the astronomy tower. I cannot believe that I am actually here. Or rather that I have come here to think instead of hunting students, who are out after curfew. Blundering fools.But at least they noticed, that this place is something special. It will not protect them in the fight against Voldemort, but at least it shows that they have some sort of emotional intelligence.
And now I'm here, standing on the roof and staring at the stars. Wetness drips onto my hands and I cannot help but wonder. When was the last time I cried? It must have been long before I entered Voldemort's service, probably even before I came to Hogwarts. My father made sure of that.
Salt burns in my eyes as I blink down at my hands. The tears are washing away the traces of the last potions I brewed, leaving clean paths as they slowly slide down my skin and onto the floor. Funny. I never knew tears could stain. At least it looks as though they were staining my yellowed skin even more instead of cleansing it.
Cold wind tugs impatiently at my robes and hair, making them swirl around me. I can feel the sarcastic smile on my lips. It hurts. I must really look like an overgrown bat ready for take off.
The castle under me is asleep but it still seems so old and grey and beat. It makes me want to suffocate. But of course that could also be the silent sobs choking me. The door to the tower is spelled shut, I have made sure of that. Albus and Harry are probably the only ones, who could manage to get through my wards. And Voldemort perhaps.
"Harry...," I whisper softly into the merciless night chill. A shiver runs down my back. You told me that you were better off alone, that my affection has become too much for you to bear. But why? I know I can be cruel and harsh, but I never pretended to be anything else. Not even once in all the months we were together. You always knew me for what I was, always knew who I was.
And still you left me. You turned my world into a dark and lonely place, managed to shatter my world with the hurt and disappointment shining from your green eyes.
A shooting star passes the north tower and I do not even have to think about my wish. Somehow that is exactly how I feel without you, even though I never allowed anyone to see how much I cared for you. Still care.
Like a planet lost in space, that's how I feel without you. And yet I would cross the universe to be right where you are. I can see Gryffindor tower, can see the window of your dormitory there. You are just across the courtyard, but for me that is a billion miles away. You are firmly, maybe even safely out of my reach.
The whole castle seems to be mocking me as I lower my head. I know I never told you that I love you. At least not in words. But I thought that my actions had made it clear, had shown what I truly felt. But everything you said made it clear that you hadn't heard me, hadn't been able to see what was right before you, what I was trying to show you.
That damned sad smile returns to my lips. How could I ever fall for a sixteen-year-old boy? I should have known better, and somehow I think I even did. Unfortunately my heart decided to disagree. Stupid muscle. It is necessary to keep us alive and yet it always causes nothing but trouble.
And now? Three days after the row you still don't hear, won't hear what I try to say to you. You refuse to see me. Have you any idea what you're doing to me Harry? Of course you don't.
And I'm not going to let you see my pain. You refuse to see me; have completely shut me out of your little world. Even in class you ignore me. I might as well be on Mars for all you seem to care. Or I might as well be the man on the moon. Do you still care? At all?
Because I do. I still care for the son of my enemy, who somehow managed to worm his way into the chunk of stone I believed my heart to be.
Gazing up at the stars again I notice that I have never felt more alone, not even when my mother died and many of my friends were lost in the first war. Damn you Potter, I still love you, insufferable brat that you are. I cannot stop, cannot help it. Damn you for making me feel.
Albus always said that only a true Gryffindor would be foolish and courageous enough to try to catch my heart. Luckily he never knew just how right he was.
I thought I knew despair when I finally noticed how wrong I had been in joining Voldemort, but you had to prove me wrong. Had to show me what despair really is. And I cannot even hate you for it.
You called me a lying, insensible bastard. You were right. Spy, teacher, potions master, Slytherin. I am many things and a bastard is one of them. Quite literally actually.
Somehow I had deluded myself into believing that you might actually be the one to look past all that. What am I without you?
I am still everything I was before, and maybe even more, but I don't think I can ever be complete again without you.
I know you won't want to know this Harry, but this greasy git of a potions master can never be whole again now that he has held and lost you.
You made me feel more than I ever thought possible. For a short time you managed to give me the feeling that I could fly if I only wanted it enough. But I can't. I'd come down to where you are if I could, but I can't. You told me you hoped that I would burn in hell one day. I don't need to, Harry. I already know damnation. Hell is living without you. Without your touch. Without your love.
Maybe I should try to fly once more. Just for you. No one will ever know. Just fly one more time, right now and see the world around me vanish into darkness.
I'd be down on my knees, begging to hold you, if it weren't for my pride and the fact that you would never have me back. No matter what, some of my pride is the only thing I have left.
The tears seem to be burning in my eyes, seem to eat them out of my skull. When did I climb over the railing? If I could at least have said goodbye, could have seen you one last time. But it is too late now.
So much for Albus' safety spells.
Finis