Disclaimer: I don't own The Outsiders.
I laid the rose down gently on the fresh mound of earth, dropping to my knees as tears filled my eyes. I couldn't take this. I wanted to end the nightmare. Why did he have to die? Why not me? Why didn't I have the guts to take my life and join him?
Johnny wouldn't have wanted that. That's the sole fact that rooted me to the earth and made me carry on. I didn't put up with crap from the Socs for nothing. I didn't force down food at every meal because I wanted to. No, Johnny would have wanted me to stay in school, stay healthy, and stay out of trouble. It was all for him. But here at his grave only two weeks after his death was pure torture. The memory kept replaying in my mind; I couldn't rid myself of it no matter how hard I tried.
With a choked sob, I let the tears fall. Fresh hot tears stung my eyes and fell on my hands. All the emotions I had held back, all the guilt and pain. It should have been me who was hit by the fiery timber, not Johnny. It should have been me in that hospital bed dying. But in reality if I had had the choice to switch places with Johnny I wouldn't. It wasn't because I was afraid to die or anything; no, I would have done it for Johnny. But what I couldn't do was leave him behind in my place to deal with his own emotions…assuming he would have cried over me at all.
"Ponyboy," Soda said softly, kneeling beside me and putting an arm around my shoulders. "We all miss him. Come on, it's time to go."
"No, no," I sobbed. "I can't leave him, Soda."
My brother rubbed my back with his knuckles and sighed. "There's nothing you can do about it now, Pony. You know what Johnny would want you to do."
I wiped furiously at my eyes and nodded. "I know, but how can I go on when he's dead? I don't want to forget."
"No one ever said to forget the deceased. But keeping the memory of them alive doesn't mean you let it hold you back from living."
I sniffed and looked up at Soda. He was right. I nodded again and hugged his neck tightly, shutting my eyes as a new wave of tears threatened to fall. "I miss him so much," I whispered.
"I know, but you have to be strong."
"Sometimes I feel like I've been strong for too long."
"I won't tell Darry or any of the gang if you cry. It's ok to cry, Pony. It doesn't make you any less." He ran a hand through my hair and smiled thoughtfully. "Heck, if you want to cry, I'll hold you."
"You…you will?" I asked softly.
He nodded. "I'm your brother. I love you, and I'd do anything for you. But don't ask for that in writing, I'll deny I ever said it."
I laughed softly, making him smile. "Thanks, Soda. You're the best."
"Of course, I am." He winked and stood, pulling me to my feet. "Now let's go home."
I leaned against him, his arm around my shoulders as we walked home. I had to wonder what I would do without Soda. He was the greatest brother anyone could ask for and everyone deserved a person like him in their life.