Author: JenShepard87
Title: Accepting the truth
Spoiler: everything up to 'stakeout'. The scene in the elevator inspired me, but the dialogue will be a bit different, mostly because I only watched the German version so I don't know what they are saying in English !
Summary: It's one of those famous 'what if' stories. What if Gibbs had tried harder to find out what was wrong with Jenny and how would they've handled it?
Disclaimer: well you know it…I own nothing except for the of this story…unfortunately.
Warning: there might not be a happy ending…shock!
A/N: THANK YOU and MERCI and DANKE to everyone for giving me such amazing reviews for my story 'Hardest Shot' – WOW !
I'll start working on the epilogue this weekend but I don't know how much time it will take…probably not as much as the last update ;-)
And…PLEASE keep on writing…at least for a little while okay?
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As Gibbs wanted to step out of the elevator, someone else walked into the small room and pushed the button for the floor below them. Considering who just joint him he choose to stay and stood beside the Director of NCIS.
"Everything alright with the case Jethro?" she asked and he couldn't quite place the tone of her voice.
"It's going." Only a few seconds later Jenny reached out and stopped the elevator like he used to do so often.
"Something wrong Jethro? It seems like you want to ask me something the whole week." Gibbs met her gaze and his gut told him that she was not only curious, but that she might fear the upcoming question.
"Is everything alright with your health Jen?" Jenny swallowed almost unnoticeable and nodded.
"I'm fine Jethro." He starred at her for a moment before asking again this time being more precise.
"Are you sick?" Jenny closed her eyes for a fraction and turned away, switching the button again to get the elevator moving.
"I'm perfectly fine. I can't say the same about you if you're not able to solve the case though." She answered way to cheeky for his taste and just as the doors were about to open up, he switched the power off again.
"Don't lie to me Jen. I know something's wrong. Ducky did a blood test and although he didn't actually say it was yours his eyes told me enough."
Jenny rolled her eyes and reached forward but Gibbs stepped between her and the controls, still starring at her.
"So Ducky did a test what is so unusual about it? We do this now and then even you Jethro!" she sounded annoyed and tired but Gibbs didn't even think of letting this one go.
"Yeah may be so, but why would he try to keep it a secret if it was just the normal procedure?" Now he sounded more than a bit irritated and Jenny wasn't able to hold his stare anymore.
"Jenny?"
She took a deep breath and looked straight ahead at the cold metal door.
"You letting me out of here sometime today? Some people have to work even Directors believe it or not." This time he lost his patience and ran a hand through his hair.
"Damn it Jen!" She nearly jumped at his sudden outburst and looked up obviously shocked not only because of Gibbs' shouting, but also because of his hands on her shoulders.
"Jen. Look at me and tell me you're not sick." He said quietly and Jenny fought against the tears that threatened to come. How much she wanted to tell him this, how much she wanted to say that everything was really fine…but he didn't want her to lie again. So she remained quiet and gave him the answer to the question he asked minutes ago.
"How serious?"
She shook her head and moved her arm around him to switch the power back on. As soon as the doors opened up Jenny left without looking back at him afraid of what she might see and Gibbs stayed frozen to the spot trying to get his mixed up feelings back under control.
After a minute he realized on which floor he was and walked slowly to Abby's lab just in time to see both women together with 'Jethro'. Jenny was on her knees, stroking the wounded dog while Abby gave the Director her rather passionate statement. Gibbs walked up as close as possible without being detected and caught Jenny's words that he knew, were more about herself and her situation than the dog.
"Sometimes things aren't so simple Abby. Sometimes you can't control the outcome. Sometimes you…have to look at the reality in front of you. And accept it."
He watched them talking quietly while caressing 'Jethro' and made his way back to the elevator. He knew she was right. But he was certainly not going to accept it.
Ducky turned at the familiar 'swoosh' of the entrance to autopsy and was about to greet his guest the usual way
"Oh Jethro there you are. I wondered when-" but he stopped at the serious stare and Palmer decided that this was the right time to pay Abby and the dog a visit. After being left alone, Ducky waited patiently for what was coming up.
"How serious is it Ducky?" Gibbs asked and his old friend seemed to be confused by his question.
"To what exactly are you referring to? I do get the feeling that it has nothing to do with your namesake." He concluded and let out a deep sigh when Gibbs only continued to gaze at him.
"Jethro like I already told you last time – she trusts me not to tell anyone about the results and what they mean. Of course I understand your desire to know what is happening to your old partner, but I won't break my promise not as a doctor and not as a friend, Jethro." Ducky stated quiet but firmly and held Gibbs' stare.
"Ducky she just admitted being sick but wouldn't tell me how bad it is. Tell me Duck." His old friend seemed to be surprised at first but then again it had been only a matter of time until Gibbs found out.
"No Jethro. Jennifer admitted not being in a good condition and that should be enough for you. Don't push her anymore and accept her wish."
"I won't accept it Doctor Mallard! I want to help her but I can't do it if I don't know what is going on!" Gibbs shouted again and Ducky felt his heart arch at the pain and guilt he saw in Gibbs' eyes. He considered his next words, knowing that Jenny's old partner would probably strangle him for them.
"Even if I wanted to tell you Jethro I can't. I do not really know what kind of sickness she has."
"This is bullshit Duck! You checked her results, you talked to her and now you want to tell me that you don't know what it is?!" at this Gibbs stepped into Ducky's personal space but the doctor stayed calm and nodded.
"Yes Jethro. To specify the sickness I would've needed to do more tests but Jennifer didn't want them after what I already found out. All I can say is that you won't be able to help her Jethro." Ducky answered looking tired.
"Why the hell wouldn't she want you to do more tests? What have you found out? How can you tell I won't be able to help?" Ducky almost didn't get the last part of Gibbs' rant since he had only whispered these words.
"Because she knows the result regardless of the exact kind of her sickness even though I have a suspicion."
"Thanks for your help Doctor Mallard…"
Gibbs was obviously frustrated, turned around sharply and was about to walk through the door when Ducky's next words made him stop dead in tracks.
"She is dying Jethro."
It was close to midnight when Jenny Shepard finally decided to stop working. She put the glasses down and leaned back in her chair behind her desk. Although the case hadn't been this hard it had turned out to be very emotional especially for Abby but also for her. Thinking about her short conversation with Gibbs in the elevator she made her way to the counter where she grabbed the bourbon and poured herself a glass.
Jenny felt the burning sensation running down her throat and walked back to her desk taking the bottle with her. For what she was about to do next she'd need more than only one glass.
After two words there was a knock on her front door bringing her back to reality. There was only one person who would have the guts of visiting her at this time and she laid a file on the paper in front of her.
When Jenny opened the door Gibbs stood before her as expected and he held up a bag with Chinese food in it.
"Hey Jen. Thought you might be hungry." He smirked but she had the feeling that it was sort of forced. Leaning against the doorframe with one hand on her hips she raised an eyebrow at him.
"Now? It's almost half past midnight Jethro."
"Yeah I know but you haven't eaten properly all day so…"
"And you know that because…?" She raised her second eyebrow and began to shift impatiently.
"Oh c'mon Jen. It's not like it's going to ruin your figure."
"Guess I should be taking that as a compliment." She sighed and stepped aside to let him in.
They ate in silence but glanced at each other now and then pretending to not notice it. After cleaning up their plates they sat beside each other on the couch in front of the fireplace starring at the flames.
"So what have you been doing before I interrupted?" he asked his voiced lacked of the typical amusement she usually detected when he asked questions like this.
"Going through the reports Jethro like I'm supposed to do." There was a silent warning in her tone and Gibbs decided to just nod, but he caught Jenny's glance at the desk and his gut told him that work wasn't everything she'd done.
"I'll be right back." Jenny left the study and Gibbs used the time to take a closer look at the papers on her desk. At first all he saw were case-files but when he noticed her favorite and rather expensive pen alongside on of the files he frowned. In the past she'd used it only for special occasions and personal letters so he lifted the file on top and felt his heart drop.
Dear Jethro
Jenny came back and froze on the spot when she saw what Gibbs was starring at. Her first impulse was to berate him for going through her personal things but found that she just didn't have the energy and remained silent. She certainly wasn't prepared for what happened next as Gibbs looked up, his eyes suspiciously wet. Jenny swallowed hard and walked slowly to her old partner and lover who kept starring at her like she was some sort of ghost.
"Duck told me you don't have much time left." He stated quietly and Jenny looked away, not able to hold his pained gaze and gave a short nod.
"What did you want to write Jen?" Gibbs asked after a while and moved over to her. Jenny starred blankly at the flames how they burned the dry wood, slowly turning it to ashes.
She wrapped her arms around herself and tried not to shudder the moment Gibbs gently laid a hand on her shoulder.
"I…I wanted to say goodbye." It was almost an inaudible sound, but it felt like a loud and brutal thunder in the silence of the old study. Gibbs squeezed her shoulder and swallowed down the lump in his throat.
"Maybe it's not over yet, Jen. Ducky said he didn't have the time to identify the illness." He saw the small but sad smile on her face and had an idea of what was about to come.
"He didn't. I asked an old friend of mine who happens to be a doctor to run the necessary tests. I didn't want to cause Ducky any more pain."
Gibbs waited patiently, caressed her and Jenny felt herself relax despite the situation. A couple of minutes went by without another word being said until Gibbs dared to ask the question that threatened to burn his tongue.
"What is it?"
"Brain tumor. I know you don't believe in coincidences Jethro, but I had no idea that I'm sick. I followed the usual procedure, let myself being tested and…that's when Ducky found out that something might be wrong." The caressing motion of his hand on her shoulder had stopped the same second Jenny told him the truth and when he didn't say anything, she dared to turn around. Leroy Jethro had only cried once and that was over 15 years ago, but right now he didn't bother about the wetness in his eyes or the single tear that made it's way down his cheek and Jenny took him into her arms.
"It's okay Jethro. You don't always have to be strong you know?"
"Why didn't you tell me? Don't you trust me?" Gibbs asked still very quiet and Jenny let out a deep sigh before sitting down on the couch pulling him with her in the progress.
"Jethro. This doesn't have anything to do with me not trusting you. I can only imagine how much you suffered when you lost Shannon and Kelly, especially because you couldn't do anything. You felt helpless. We broke up a long time ago but we still care for each other and…I didn't want to cause you any more pain than I already did Jethro." She answered in a low voice and held his hand.
Gibbs thought about her words and responded to her touch, tightened his hold on her smaller one. He understood.
"What now Jenny? Did the doctors give you something?"
"They gave me medications to slow down the progress and to suppress the pain that is about to come in the near future. Don't worry about me Jethro." She tried to be the strong one this time but Gibbs could hear the fear underneath the surface. He pulled Jenny towards him and embraced her while stroking the top of her head tenderly.
They stayed like this half of the night until Jenny went to bed with Gibbs to hold her during her sleep.
The next months were hard for both of them. Gibbs tried to help her in his own way – he didn't bother her anymore when he was upset about the FBI intervening their cases, he brought her dinner like he used to do now and then during her first year as Director and he even learned how to knock on her office door.
Jenny did a very good job at hiding her sickness but Gibbs and Ducky saw that she was getting weaker, left earlier because she needed more sleep and Cynthia caught her once throwing up in her office. Cynthia was the only one beside Ducky and Gibbs who knew of the Director's sickness and helped Jenny as much as possible. After 8 months, Jenny had to stay at home for almost half of the week, to sick to deal with the daily problems and meetings of NCIS and Gibbs had volunteered to be Acting Director for this time while a close friend of Ducky took care of her. The team finally decided to confront their leader, knowing that something was definitely wrong. Tony made a joke to Gibbs saying he believes that the Director was probably just pregnant and his boss didn't blame him.
However, when Gibbs finally told them the truth, the whole team sort of crashed. Abby, of course, was crying her heart out and clung to him all the time while McGee just starred blankly ahead. Ziva cried silently although she tried to hide it and Tony got himself drunk that night as soon as he arrived at home.
Gibbs was still working behind Jenny's desk in her office when his cell began to ring, showing Ducky's ID on the front display. He knew his old friend was staying with Jenny almost every evening for the last 6 weeks since she was literally chained to the bed. Gibbs was torn between staying with her all the time and keep on working, but he had promised to not let the agency down. Her agency. He answered the call with a shaking hand, afraid of what was about to come.
"Hey Duck."
"Hello Jethro." There was a long pause and Gibbs took a deep breath before listening to the next words.
"Jethro…I fear it's time." Ducky sounded calm but Gibbs could hear the sadness. He closed his eyes for a few moments while Ducky waited patiently for his reply.
"You sure?"
"Yes. I believe she will not stay with us until morning. Jennifer is asking for you Jethro."
Gibbs ran a hand through his hair and pressed his lips together to hold back the agonizing sound that threatened to escape. There wasn't much left he could do now, but he was determined to stay with Jenny until the very end.
"I'm on my way Duck. Please tell her…tell Jen to hold on okay?"
"Of course Jethro."
He entered her bedroom and was greeted by a very tired and exhausted looking Jenny. Some might have said she looked terrible with her pale skin, the dark rings under her eyes and her roughened lips. Her eyes had lost their sparkle and the former bright redness of her hair had faded. But still, even in that state, she was one of the most beautiful women Gibbs knew.
"Hello Jethro." Jenny whispered hoarse.
"Hey Jen." He gave her a small smile and sat beside her bed, taking her quite cold hand in his own.
"Thank you for coming. I know it's not easy for you."
"It's not but I would still do anything for you Jen." He caressed her hand and met her eyes. She gave him a smile of her own although he knew that she was in pain, the painkillers had stopped working a couple of weeks ago.
"I wanted to say goodbye properly this time." Gibbs could only nod and raised his other hand to stroke her cheek. She leaned into his touch and closed her burning eyes.
"I would like to say a few things. And I want you to listen Jethro, without interruptions." It was difficult to talk with her whole body in pain and her nerves starting to protest. Gibbs stood up, moved onto the bed beside her and took her into his arms.
"Okay Jen."
"Thank you. Well…first, I want to thank you for your support during the last months particularly for being Acting Director, I know how much you hate it. And of course for your help as…my friend. I don't know if I really deserved someone as great as you even if you're still a bastard sometimes." They both laughed a bit but Gibbs could hear and feel how much she actually had to concentrate on the task of just speaking. It made his heart arch to see what has become of that strong and confident women he used to know.
"And I…I also want to say I'm sorry. Maybe saying sorry is really a sign of weakness, but now I'm weak Jethro and I don't have enough energy left to walk around these words. I'm sorry for the reason and the way I left you, it wasn't fair. Will you…" her voice broke and she didn't fight against the tears that had managed to spill and Gibbs wiped them away with his thumb.
"Will you forgive me Jethro?" if her head hadn't been right on his shoulder, he probably wouldn't have heard her.
"There's nothing to forgive Jen. I've been angry at you all those years but then again, considering the circumstances…I hadn't given you enough reason to stay. I understand Jen and if it means so much to you, I forgive you."
"Thank you."
They stayed silent for a while until Gibbs spoke up again.
"Is there anything I can do for you Jenny?" the question seemed to pull her back from her thoughts, memories of another time and place with the only person she ever gave her heart to.
"Actually there is one thing I would wish for…"
And they talked about her last request. She assured him that he didn't have to do it and under different circumstances he wouldn't have agreed, but knowing how much it meant to her he gave in promising her to fulfill her wish.
Gibbs held her all night, whispering quiet words of comfort even after she'd drifted off to her long deserved sleep. He listened to her ragged breath, felt her pulse weaken and let the tears stream freely from his eyes when her heartbeat slowed down. The sun began to set as Jenny went limb in his arms and he gathered up the courage to say the words he longed to say for years.
"I never stopped loving you Jen." And kissed the top of her head. Maybe it was just his imagination but he would never forget the sight when he looked at her for the last time.
Jenny Shepard died in his arms. With a small smile on her face.
Almost the whole staff of NCIS Headquarters and a lot other agents even from other agencies came to the funeral of Jenny. Agent Fornell had greeted Gibbs and the rest of his team with a short nod before taking his place within the huge crowd.
As Ziva stood in front of her best friends grave, she whispered a few words in Hebrew and threw a golden bracelet on the coffin. She'd wanted to give it to Jenny as a birthday present.
Tony threw an orchid instead of the usual roses, remembering the time then she'd caught him sniffling at the flowers in her office.
McGee looked down at the coffin, regretting the fact that he'd never tried to get to know her better.
Abby fought against her tears and didn't care about the few curious stares when she threw a miniature replica of Bert the hippo in the grave.
Ducky took his time to say goodbye in silence before walking back to stand beside Abby.
When Gibbs walked up to Jenny's grave, the atmosphere around them seemed to change. The people who knew, or thought to know about Gibbs' and Jenny's past watched him closely, his team looking helpless at their leader.
Gibbs looked down at the white coffin and smiled seeing all the little things his team gave her, although they hadn't known her very well. He wanted to give her something too but he'd already fulfilled his promise to her and knew it would be more than enough for Jenny. They'd never cared that much for material things. He kissed the red rose in his hand before letting it fall down and walked back.
After the ceremony Gibbs, the others and Cynthia walked up to their cars.
"Tony. You and your team are off duty for the next week. Take your time okay?"
"Boss it's okay we-"
"This is an order DiNozzo. Please…take your time. I know how it is." Gibbs interrupted calmly and met the younger agents saddened eyes.
"Alright…Director." And Gibbs' former teammates got into their cars after hugging him as a last comforting gesture.
"Director Gibbs? I'm sorry to say that right now, but there are still some formal procedures you have to go through today." Cynthia said quietly, obviously still shaken up and uncomfortable in her position. Not because he was her new boss, but because she knew how much her former boss and Gibbs cared for each other.
"It's okay Cynthia. Take a few days off, too. I can do it alone."
"No Sir. I'll support you as much as I can and I'm sure you'll do a good job. Jenny…she knew why she asked you to be her replacement."
Again silence.
"Thanks. But she can't be replaced."
"I know."
Before driving off, Gibbs looked at the picture he kept in his wallet. It was the one from Serbia with a younger version of his Jen in front of the farmhouse and it put a soft smile on his face.
Even though becoming Director had never been his intention, he knew that the copy of this photo was already standing on his desk and maybe…maybe it would make things easier for him. Make it easier to completely fulfill the promise of taking over her position.
Jenny Shepard would always be there to watch over him.
The End
A/N: Well…I really hope you're not going to kill me for this ! Normally, I wouldn't even think about such an ending, but this plot-bunny kept on bugging me.
I wanted to write a more…realistic than idealistic story this time.
As sad as it is, but there cannot always be a happily ever after, you know?
Care to tell me what you think of it? Then press this sweet little button ;-)