GET OUT!
***
by vortex
***
Warning: Severe Canada bashing. Patriots stay away!!
To the tune of the Sunscreen Song (which I don't own)
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '02: Get. Out. More. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, it wouldn't be getting out more, but it sounds better in my song. The benefits of walking around have been proven by Jenny Jones, where as the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering watching of Royal Canadian Air Farce. I will dispense this advice... now.
[cue music]
Enjoy the power and beauty of health care. But never mind, you will not understand the power and beauty of health care until all the doctors head down south. But trust me, thirty years from now, you'll look back at old episodes of Twenty-two Minutes and remember in a way you can't grasp now just how great free health care was, and how little more money the nurses really wanted.
Don't worry about the future, or worry, knowing that worrying is as effective as trying to run your own campaign and winning. The real worries are things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that ups taxes, downs education and claims to be a people person. Do one thing everyday that pisses the cops off.
Scream.
Don't be reckless with other people's money; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours!
Finance.
Don't waste your time trying to understand politics; sometimes you're intelligent, sometimes you're screwy. It's at times like these that you understand politics.
Remember compliments politicians receive; forget the insults. If they get one between now and next year, tell me.
Pay.
Don't feel guilty if you have no clue what's going on with Canadian economics; most people don't know at seventy-eight what happened to their unemployment checks when they were twenty. Be kind to your nurses: you'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe Quebec'll separate, maybe they won't. Maybe French will die out, maybe it won't. Maybe the Canadian dollar will rise, maybe it'll stay the same and every other currency will dive. Whatever happens, don't be patriotic, or treacherous: just don't piss off America, and you'll be ok.
Enjoy your reputation as a citizen of the nicest country in the world. Don't be ashamed of our deficit, or how dumb our neighbour is. This is the best country you'll ever be in.
Vote. Read the directions, follow them, or the ballot won't count.
Do not watch the news it will only lead to quick depression.
[cue Quindon Tarvor]
Canada law is the most screwed up thing in the world... Someday I'll go and I'll make a formal complaint... I know they will laugh, but I'll be waiting to pepperspray them... and I'll be there laughing oh yeah, above their bodies... yeah, oh yeah....
Get to know your premiers. You never know when they will become your Prime Minister.
Be nice to your allies. They are strong, and will fight for you if you get attacked.
Work hard to bridge the gap between Quebec and the rest of Canada, because... DAMN poutine tastes good!
Live in Montreal once but leave before they separate; live in Vancouver once, but leave before the softwood lumber runs out. Run.
Accept certain inalienable truths: The dollar will drop, politicians will choke protestors, you too will get bitchy and when you do, you'll dream about a time when the dollar was worth something, when freedom of speech meant just that and when old folks just sat around and smelled old. DON'T smell old.
Don't expect anyone else to support you, except foodbanks and the Salvation Army. Maybe you'll win the jackpot, maybe you'll be the heir to Bill Gates, but the chances of that are as slim as gas prices going down.
Don't quote TV too much or by the time you actually get people to listen to you, you'll get sued for copyright infringement.
Be careful what news station you watch, but avoid the CBC. TV is a way of sitting down, picking up a remote, watching your elected patriots make asses of themselves and pretending you didn't vote for them. But trust me on the exercise.
[cue Quindon Tarver]
Canada law is the most screwed up thing in the world... Someday I'll go and I'll make a formal complaint... I know they will laugh, but I'll be waiting to pepperspray them... and I'll be there laughing oh yeah, above their bodies... yeah, oh yeah.... Yeah! Everybody's free! [protestor runs on stage] That's BULLSHIT! Nobody's free; it's a lie! Try to exercise your rights! You won't be able to! BECAUSE THERE ARE NONE! NOBODY'S FREE! NOBODY... Nobody... nobody..... [is carried off by the RCMP]
Nobody's freeeee... ouooo, nobody's freeEEee... no, nobody's frEEEEEEEEEEE no yeah....
End.
***
by vortex
***
Warning: Severe Canada bashing. Patriots stay away!!
To the tune of the Sunscreen Song (which I don't own)
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '02: Get. Out. More. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, it wouldn't be getting out more, but it sounds better in my song. The benefits of walking around have been proven by Jenny Jones, where as the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering watching of Royal Canadian Air Farce. I will dispense this advice... now.
[cue music]
Enjoy the power and beauty of health care. But never mind, you will not understand the power and beauty of health care until all the doctors head down south. But trust me, thirty years from now, you'll look back at old episodes of Twenty-two Minutes and remember in a way you can't grasp now just how great free health care was, and how little more money the nurses really wanted.
Don't worry about the future, or worry, knowing that worrying is as effective as trying to run your own campaign and winning. The real worries are things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that ups taxes, downs education and claims to be a people person. Do one thing everyday that pisses the cops off.
Scream.
Don't be reckless with other people's money; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours!
Finance.
Don't waste your time trying to understand politics; sometimes you're intelligent, sometimes you're screwy. It's at times like these that you understand politics.
Remember compliments politicians receive; forget the insults. If they get one between now and next year, tell me.
Pay.
Don't feel guilty if you have no clue what's going on with Canadian economics; most people don't know at seventy-eight what happened to their unemployment checks when they were twenty. Be kind to your nurses: you'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe Quebec'll separate, maybe they won't. Maybe French will die out, maybe it won't. Maybe the Canadian dollar will rise, maybe it'll stay the same and every other currency will dive. Whatever happens, don't be patriotic, or treacherous: just don't piss off America, and you'll be ok.
Enjoy your reputation as a citizen of the nicest country in the world. Don't be ashamed of our deficit, or how dumb our neighbour is. This is the best country you'll ever be in.
Vote. Read the directions, follow them, or the ballot won't count.
Do not watch the news it will only lead to quick depression.
[cue Quindon Tarvor]
Canada law is the most screwed up thing in the world... Someday I'll go and I'll make a formal complaint... I know they will laugh, but I'll be waiting to pepperspray them... and I'll be there laughing oh yeah, above their bodies... yeah, oh yeah....
Get to know your premiers. You never know when they will become your Prime Minister.
Be nice to your allies. They are strong, and will fight for you if you get attacked.
Work hard to bridge the gap between Quebec and the rest of Canada, because... DAMN poutine tastes good!
Live in Montreal once but leave before they separate; live in Vancouver once, but leave before the softwood lumber runs out. Run.
Accept certain inalienable truths: The dollar will drop, politicians will choke protestors, you too will get bitchy and when you do, you'll dream about a time when the dollar was worth something, when freedom of speech meant just that and when old folks just sat around and smelled old. DON'T smell old.
Don't expect anyone else to support you, except foodbanks and the Salvation Army. Maybe you'll win the jackpot, maybe you'll be the heir to Bill Gates, but the chances of that are as slim as gas prices going down.
Don't quote TV too much or by the time you actually get people to listen to you, you'll get sued for copyright infringement.
Be careful what news station you watch, but avoid the CBC. TV is a way of sitting down, picking up a remote, watching your elected patriots make asses of themselves and pretending you didn't vote for them. But trust me on the exercise.
[cue Quindon Tarver]
Canada law is the most screwed up thing in the world... Someday I'll go and I'll make a formal complaint... I know they will laugh, but I'll be waiting to pepperspray them... and I'll be there laughing oh yeah, above their bodies... yeah, oh yeah.... Yeah! Everybody's free! [protestor runs on stage] That's BULLSHIT! Nobody's free; it's a lie! Try to exercise your rights! You won't be able to! BECAUSE THERE ARE NONE! NOBODY'S FREE! NOBODY... Nobody... nobody..... [is carried off by the RCMP]
Nobody's freeeee... ouooo, nobody's freeEEee... no, nobody's frEEEEEEEEEEE no yeah....
End.