Okay so I decided to attempt a different type of story from the fanfics I usually write. This i've been working on for a while and I want to see what sort of feedback it gets before I consider adding more to it and possibly seeing about getting it published in the future and what not. I know it's not that well written and i've asked around for friends to read it through for me but some of them don't really know how to edit it and look over it and others are too kinda and tell me it's great when I know there's so much more I can improve on. All of this is the own ideas of my own and as such I guess they belong to me. I hope you enjoy. I've already pretty much almost written chapter 2 and I have the full story planned out but it's just getting it down onto paper which is the hard part. I hope you guys enjoy it and will hopefully want to keep reading about it :)
Also...if you could tell me what parts of what particular bits to edit, it would be very much appreciated. I want to really know how to make this better. So far it doesn't feel complete at all.
Ankanziet Online
Chapter 1: The dungeon Dance
He blinked, his eyes adjusting to the world around him. The tall bright trees casting shadows over the ground, a mixture of sand and small stones. An immense wind stirring up the sand around him, making him squint his eyes. Kaida was feeling good. The rush of adrenaline coursing through his veins, the need to run and fight. It was mounting higher every second. He stared down at the backs of his hands, stretched out in front of him. The familiar spiral tattoos made him smile, his eyes glancing to the skirt of animal pelts around his waist with the sharp dagger pinned to his side. It was fun being a rogue, being rugged and one with the world. He was Kaida, he was power and he was here to slay monsters, get stronger and be better. Right now he felt like a man. Not a boy.
He had to get going. He was supposed to meet Koara outside the dungeon they were exploring in less then ten minutes. Starting off at a slow pace, he picked his way through the empty landscape in front of him towards the blurred outline of the dungeon in the distance.
He ducked inside the entrance, and into the cool shade, his back pressed against the rock as he closed his eyes waiting for his teammate to arrive.
Koara was nothing short of incredible. When he met her she was so weak and defenseless he couldn't resist saving her. Just like a knight in shining armor he swept in to the forest opening where she was being chased down by a hoard of bandits and whipped out his daggers. In a flurry of glinting metal and flailing limbs he had taken down all the bandits and held out his hand to her. He must have seemed like her savior, she must have felt like she owed him something. That much was obvious enough. She never left his side. The more time they spent together the more he felt himself opening up to her. God she was so beautiful.
"Hey, wakey wakey Kaidey! we've got monsters to battle and gold to earn!"
Kaida bit back the urge to smile and opened his eyes lazily at Koara, stood on her tiptoes in front of him, trying to rouse him, her hand waving back and forth in frotn of his face.
He knocked her hand lightly to the side and pushed himself off the wall back onto his feet.
"I was already awake you know? Come on. We've not got long before I have to go home. Follow me and stay back okay?" She stuck out her tongue at him and followed behind.
While Kaida was the strong, tall member of the team, Koara was the exact opposite. She was shorter then him, slim, long blonde hair and pale skin. Kaida was very much your brawny tanned, handsome male. Koara was cute, sweet and an air of innocence just hung around her. Complete Polar opposites.
She was dressed in a long leaf green dress that split up the sides to reveal her pale thighs and clung tightly to her tiny figure.
Kaida averted his eyes, many lewd images forming in his mind and tried to focus instead on the task at hand.
Treading carefully, he stepped into the doorway of the Dungeon, his blade out at his side, ready for combat, his eyes adjusting to the darkness. He moved forward carefully, his eyes testing the floor for traps. Behind him Koara kept a few paces back, her staff at the ready in case she needed to cast a spell or heal Kaida. This was how their battle plan usually worked. He took the frontline and tackled enemies head on while she hung back and performed long ranged attacks, healing whenever necessary. It hadn't failed them yet!
Kaida continued his stealthy prowl, eyes darting about seeking out enemies. Two corridors later he turned a corner and came face to face with an undead creature. It's mouth a gaping howl, wide and screaming. It's sharp boned hands clawing towards his face. Kaida ran forward and pushed off from the creature. His weight aimed towards the creatures chest, his foot crunching through dried bones. It buckled forward as it's chest gave way and he met it's bowed head with an upward crossed cut of his blades, cleaving it clean from its shoulders.
Before his eyes it crumpled to ash and slowly dissolved in swirling currents into the air.
"Piece of cake Koara. He didn't even hit me!" He turned and grinned at her.
As his head sought out her face he felt something warm graze his cheek, his feet stumbled on the cracks in the floor and he tumbled backwards. Twisting to break his fall, his hand slammed at an angle, he felt the bone in his wrist give way and he slumped onto his back, something sharp jabbing him in between the shoulder blades.
Koara walked over to him her footsteps echoing around the silent room, stopping a few paces in front she folded her arms and let outa sigh.
"Remember Kaida, always stay alert. You had one behind you and if it wasn't for me you'd be pretty dead right now!" She grinned and held out her hand to pull him up.
Kaida took her hand and she hauled him to his feet. She muttered a brief spell and tapped his wrist with her staff, instantly healing the broken bone.
Kaida muttered a thanks accompanied with a slight smile and continued leading the way, making sure this time to stay more alert and keep his eyes off the beautiful girl behind him.
They followed down the corridor a few more paces, encountering nothing but a few more low level skeleton men. With each level they descended, the darkness seemed to creep in upon them, until the air seemed thick with blackness.
"Koara stay back. When the dark get impenetrable I'll need you to be my eyes for me. Keep your back against the wall and be prepared to heal" Koara nodded and pressed her back firmly against the wall, her staff held out in front of here.
Kaida moved forward, deeper into the gloom, searching for the boss. He caught a flickering out of the corner of his eye, a shadow? No..a person? Or is it?
His eyes glanced around the room once more, noticing the strange shadows darting around in his peripherals. He waited a few more minutes for the darting shadows to appear again. Keeping his eyes facing forward he tilted his torso, one of his daggers striking out to his right. A grunt pierced the air and the room flickered, the darkness having difficulty maintaining itself.
"Kaida behind you!" Kaida spun around, his leg smashing into the darkness behind him, and yet the darkness felt solid under his blow.
He felt it crumple beneath him. Seeing a gap in his defenses Koara sent a ball of fire towards the crumpled mass on the ground. It illuminated the air as the mass caught fire. Kaida sprang forward and dove his blades into the neck of the best, slicing through flesh and hitting the stone floor beneath. He heard it give a gargled scream and the darkness sapped slowly from the room revealing his enemy beneath him.
He had slain a beautiful woman, in death she looked peaceful, bright red hair fanning out on the floor beneath her, mingling with the blood from the open wound in her neck. Her robes of pure white were stained with dust and blood and yet she looked so peaceful. Kaida found himself stareing, his eyes rooted to the woman's face, his body becoming heavy. He dropped to his knees, his weapons falling with a loud clang onto the stone. He found his face moving inches closer to the beautiful woman. She seemed to radiate a light, a feeling of utter peace. He wanted some of that. He wanted the feeling of being free, all he had to do was kiss her and he would be hers. His mouth was close to hers, he was ready to reach peace at last.
"Kaida! Wake up! Stop daydreaming!" He felt a slap to the back of his head. His face turned, his reactions slow, his eyes seeking out Koara in the dim room. A sharp pain pierced the sides of his throat, his head dragged downwards as the creature beneath him stirred. No longer beautiful and innocent it was a howling beast, it's face decaying, the red hair turned to grey and clinging tightly to a slightly cracked skull.
"You…you're mine" she screamed through a mouth full of broken teeth. Her hand was wrapped around his throat, her fingernails piercing him; very soon she would have his throat torn to strips.
He heard Koara muttering an incantation behind him.
"Godamnit Koara do something! I'm dyeing here!" he thought angrily, his eyes trying to find her and see what she was doing.
He was about to pass out from the lack of air, the room was spinning and he caught her leaping over him, staff out in front, a ribbon of notes and words streaming out the end of her staff circling around the creature on the floor, binding it to the stone and inning the creature down. The words burning deeper into her flesh, the monster screamed in pain, her hand releasing Kaida and attempting to rip the ribbons of words from her burning body. Koara dragged Kaida by the back of his shirt, away from the thrashing hands of the monster. His hand was at his throat stopping the blood pumping from the open wound in his neck, the other hand on the stone floor propping him up.
Koara was stood behind him, his head touching lightly against her knees. He looked up at her and caught her staring at the creature on the floor in front of them.
"Look, Kaida. We destroyed the boss" Kaida glanced over to the creature. The flesh of the creature was pulsing, the bones cracking and splintering as the ribbons tightened quicker then before. With a gut retching scream the monster threw its head back as boned started to turn into dust, exploding upwards in the air. The darkness cleared, revealing a treasure chest nestled in the wall behind where the monster previously laid.
Kaida staggered to his feet, swaying slightly. Koara grabbed him by the wrist
"come here stupid. You're injured. We'll get the treasure in a moment. Let me heal you first" She produced a wrap of bandages from inside her satchel. Holding them in one hand she used the other to run over the wounds. Murmuring words in an ancient language the wounds began to stitch together and the blood reversed back inside the body. With a second wave of her hand she transferred the bandages to rest around his neck, protecting the fresh wounds.
"Okay good as new Kaida. Let's go see what treasure we got!" Koara set of across the dungeon towards the treasure chest. She tapped the top and it sprung open.
"Okay Kaida we got about 150 gold here, some studded leather armor, a couple health potions and this pretty nice long sword. Not bad for an easy dungeon eh?"
She turned around to look at Kaida, the long sword hanging from her hand.
"what time is it?" Kaida fumbled around for a few minutes checking his pouches.
"It's about…crap. Half ten. Look Koara I'm gonna have to go, we'll have to continue this another time. You keep the items for now; see if you can sell them on to a merchant or something. The sword is no good to either of us. Keep the heal potions and the armor. I might be able to wear that if it's good enough."
Koara nodded and attached the sword to a holster on her side.
"Okay Kaida, I guess this is goodbye then. Will you be back tomorrow?" Kaida nodded and watched as Koara turned to leave the dungeon through an exit that had appeared in the wall. He sighed. God she really was beautiful.
There goes it. Hope that went alright. Any feedback would be welcome. I just want to know how to improve. If I get enough people liking this then i'll put up more chapters.