Everyone and everything familiar belongs to Janet. The mistakes are mine alone.
"Are you unhappy here?"
I turned my head away from the mirror over the sink in the bathroom where I've been staring without actually seeing anything. Once I did move, I was treated to the sight of my own personal Batman who has been the center of my universe for the last three months.
"Like anyone could possibly be unhappy getting to hang out with you, Ella, and the guys downstairs? Why would you ask that?"
"Your eyes have that look in them look again."
"What look?"
"The trapped 'I want to pack up my life and get the hell out of Trenton' look. Your current facial expression used to appear every time your mother or Morelli told you to marry him."
"He isn't even a footnote in my life anymore. And the Burg as a whole hasn't really interested me lately. I gave up that Stephanie Plum and the life she'd been stuck in."
"For the most part, you stepped out of that skin for me."
"No, for me. And I haven't once regretted making Rangeman my home," I assured him, "or having someone to come home to."
"So why do I feel you distancing yourself?"
"Because you like to spot trouble where there isn't any?" I asked, trying to diffuse what he thinks is a situation.
I shouldn't be, but I'm actually a little surprised that he knows me so well. I don't come from the most outwardly expressive or overly supportive family. As a result of that, I've always kept people at arm's length. Somehow this man ... with his killer 100-watt grin, mouth-watering looks, and unpredictably charming personality, slipped through a crack in my defenses when I wasn't looking. And being the conqueror he is, he pretty much took over my senses and my life in a very good way ... a way Morelli never had a chance of doing.
I'm also a little shocked that the thought of Ranger not being there for - or with - me, scared the holy hell out of me. It took a some time, but I was finally able to accept that I actually love him in that stupid storybook kind of way. Normally, that'd be considered a good thing, but not to me because I've always been terrified to be with someone I'd be devastated to lose.
What happened with Dickie was bad enough, but if I had to go through something like that with a guy I actually give a crap about ... well, let's just say I wanted to prevent that kind of pain any way I could. Which would likely explain my 'relationship' with Morelli. Once I realized I deserve better, I walked away from that and him without a backward glance.
Ranger is different in every conceivable way. He's someone I knew I'd be with forever if I pushed for more of a relationship with him. And from the night I invited him over to my apartment for 'dinner', he's kept me as sane as it's possible for me to be, and he patiently and consistently keeps me from moving too far away from him. This conversation is an example of that. Instead of just hoping I'll snap out of the mood I've been in, he purposely confronted me so he can head whatever this is off at the pass. That's one huge reason why I haven't given a single thought to doing anything without him ever again. He's done something no one else ever has, he's figured me out. Or maybe it's knowing that he wants to figure me out - and actually takes time out of his usually hectic life to do it - that has made him irreplaceable to me.
"You're doing it again," he said, pushing off the door jamb he'd been leaning against, effectively bursting my thought bubble.
"Doing what?"
"Trying to work things out in your own head instead of discussing the problem out loud with me."
I slid my arms around his waist when he reached me and I rested my forehead on his very muscled chest.
"Sorry," I told him.
"I don't want you to be sorry. I want you to tell me what's wrong."
"Nothing's wrong exactly."
"Now we're getting somewhere," he said, letting his hands slide down my back, stopping just before they reached my ass. "Keep going."
I sighed. "I'm not sure what's going on with me. But I know for sure it has nothing to do with you. I love you more than I did when I first said it."
"So what aren't you happy with?"
That's the million dollar question.
"The only thing I'm happy about lately is coming back here to you after another crappy day," I continued.
"So what are we going to do about it?" He asked me.
"We?" I said, lifting my head to look up into his dark eyes.
"Yes. We're a team now ... one I don't want fucked with. So what would you like to change?"
"I really like you, this apartment, our friends ..."
"That leaves your family and your job. You can't do much about who you're related to unless you refuse to see them completely or we move. Your job you can absolutely do something about. My offer still stands. You can tell Vinnie to go to hell and give Rangeman your full attention."
"How do you do that?" I asked him.
"Simplify an issue?"
"Yeah."
"My mother once told me to keep a running list of the good things in my life and work on changing whatever doesn't fall into that category."
"Your mom definitely tops the 'good things' list," I told him.
"She does. And to my siblings' surprise, she likes you, too."
"I don't think she liked me very much at first."
"She did, she just withheld her stamp of approval until you stated your intentions. As soon as she fully believed you wouldn't intentionally hurt me, she fell in love with you, too."
I smiled. "My intentions towards you were/are far from innocent."
He pressed a lingering kiss to my mouth. "I know. That's what I love about you the most."
"Are you sure she's not mad that we're living together without being married?"
"She's alright with it. One, because she's not your mother. And two, she's convinced we're going to show up one night for dinner and announce that we got married at City Hall."
My eyebrows lifted at that one. "Is there a reason she thinks that?"
"Yes and no. Getting back to what we were discussing ... where do you see room for improvement?"
I did a mental walk-through of a typical day and cringed.
"I mostly want to do the opposite of what I'm doing now," I admitted. "I hate dragging my ass out of bed in the middle of the night to catch people who literally ran away from their problems. And I'm sick of listening to them insult me as I drive them back to the station afterwards, feeling bogged down by my own crap."
"Do you want to try out a completely different career?"
"I guess not, since I can't do a typical nine-to-five job, but I'd like to put my college years to some use and do something besides just arresting idiots for an even bigger idiot. I think that's what all my mindless staring has been about. I wasn't distancing myself from you, I was just trying to outrun my thoughts on the time not spent with you."
"We need to fix this before it does affect us."
"I know."
"What do you say I take you out for dinner? We can toss around a few jobs I can offer you until one sticks."
That's just more proof that he understands me. I really needed to hear that I can make a few adjustments to my life and still have the love and support of the one thing in it I can't live without ... him.
"It's a date," I told him.
And as a bonus ... I'll be able to truthfully tell my mother that I'm sleeping with my new boss.
"What are you smiling about?" He asked.
"Well, you're kissing my neck again ... that's always smile-worthy. And next time I see my mom, I get to tease her a little while explaining why I'm yours in every possible way now."
Like I've secretly been ever since he said, jokingly I thought, that he'd ruin me for anyone else. I don't feel ruined though ... I feel nothing except fucking fortunate that this man loves me.