WFA! LOTR-style:
More funny shit from the folks who brought you the Persona MST.
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters except myself. Endril and Mufasa belong to themselves, and I use them with permission.
Summary: As you expected, a group of teenage girls end up in Middle Earth. And finds that there's thousands of fangirls already there. Good God! What will they do? How will Aragorn and company deal with it all? Set in Two Towers.
***
Three figures stood on a hill, overlooking the plains of Rohan. They were less than surprised when three other figures materialized out of thin air a good distance away. In fact, they were a bit annoyed.
"I'll take them out." Legolas murmured, fitting an arrow to his bow.
"Just a warning shot, mind you." admonished Aragorn.
"Too late." The bolt flew screaming into the sky, its targets completely unaware of the danger.
***
The girls had landed in a rather undignified heap in the middle of a field. There was much confusion. And pain. There was a lot of that, too.
"Oww…" August groaned. "Get off me, Fas-oh, my god."
"What is it?" Endril asked. Her voice was slightly muffled since August happened to be sitting on her.
"This isn't Warsaw."
"How can you-Oh. You're right, it isn't."
"This isn't even Poland." Mufasa replied, getting to her feet. "GAH! What happened to my feet?!"
"Wha?" August asked. She stowed the knife in her bag and blinked in confusion.
"Ma FEET!! They're all…big! And not cute!" August blinked some more.
"Dude, you're all short."
Endril, who had been looking at as far-off hilltop, tapped August on her arm.
"Move to your left."
"Why?" asked August as she did so. An instant later, something fell out of the sky, pinning the end of her cloak to the ground. Two instants later, August realized two things: one, the thing that had narrowly missed killing her was an arrow, and two, the hadn't been wearing a cloak before. She was now.
"What the hell is going on?!" she yelled, reaching for her sidearm. It wasn't there. "My gun! Where's my gun?!"
"What happened to my feet?" Mufasa wailed.
"Something really strange is going on." Endril remarked.
"Well, thank you for that brilliant statement of the obvious, End." August muttered as she pulled the arrow out of her cloak. She then looked up at Endril. "Shit! You're tall! Taller than me!"
"Well, that's not difficult." Mufasa replied.
"No, I mean non-human tallness! Shit, Endy, you're an Elf!"
"Wow! So I am! No wonder I could see them so well." Replied the newly-elven Endril.
"See who?"
"Oh, those guys that shot at you. They're headed this way."
"Damn, we're in a tight spot." A look of realization came over August's face.
"What is it?" Fasa asked.
"Endril, you could see whoever shot at me; I can see a blur."
"Looks like the blond dude is in the lead. There are two others following. A brunette and a short guy with a helmet."
"Whatever. On with my needless, space-filling circular explanation: As I have perfect vision, it means that the people who shot at us are very far away."
"And getting closer."
"Shut up." August said angrily. "We have assessed that Endril is an Elf. Therefore, the archer on the hilltop must also be an Elf in order to hit my cloak at this range.
"And?" Endril asked. They're getting closer, you know."
"And Fasa is suddenly short, with abnormally large feet. And all our high-tech weapons are gone."
"What high-tech weapons?" Fasa asked.
"Okay, MY high-tech Nazi-killing weapons are gone. Fasa turned into a Hobbit, and we're somewhere in the past."
"We're in Middle Earth?" Mufasa shrieked.
"Well, we've found ourselves a real group of mental ninjas, haven't we, Aragorn?" The blond Elf shouted back to his companions as he ran up. "More fans, I expect. I say we just kill them before they have a chance to alter the 'storyline' any more than it has been." He brushed a strand of hair out of his grey eyes and stared accusingly at the girls.
Mufasa had fainted. August was currently experiencing a cocktail of emotions made up primarily of awe, utterly incredulous shock, and lust. Lust seemed to be winning.
"But we're not fans!" Endril cried desperately, somehow managing to keep her sanity for the moment. "We're emissaries from…um…" August kicked her. "Rivendell! Yes! And Elrond told us to tell you that…"
"That gosh darnit, why'd you let Frodo take the ring all by himself? We're all doomed now!" August added in hysterically. The hysteria was largely due to the fact that the Elf's companions had just run up: there was an incredibly gorgeous, ruggedly handsome guy with a kingly yet gloomy air. And there was also a Dwarf, but no one really cared much about him.
"Wow!" Mufasa cheeped, coming around. "You're ruggedly handsome, guy!"
He began rubbing his temples, as if he had heard this all way too many times before, and had a major migraine. He did.
And so they stood: the Elf glaring at the intruders, the man wishing the nonsense would stop, and the Dwarf looking surly and disgruntled. Mufasa was in joyous shock in getting to meet some of her favorite literary bishonen, and August was drooling slightly, her eyes darting back and forth between the sexy, wild-looking Aragorn, who exuded an aura of 'romantic lead' almost as overpowering as Jude Law, and Legolas, the cleanest-looking of the group, and whom August was fairly certain had really nice abs.
"You should wear less clothes." She babbled incoherently as she pointed at the male Elf.
Endril was in a similar state, but apparently had enough mysterious Elven power to remain conscious. She really wanted to get this annoying silence over with, so that she'd have more time to make out with Aragorn. So, she started making introductions.
"Okay! I'm Endril Lei, otherwise known as Aurin McMerlin, the White Dragon of Sussex. But you guys can call me Endril."
"And I'm August!" August piped in. "Otherwise known as Auggie, Augs, Auggiechan, A-chan, Divinity, Divie, Divs, that one crazy chick, hey, you!, whatever. But my given name is Francesca Achenaria Calidor, or Faith DuMonte, depending on who you ask. And, seeing as how we're in a realm of visual magick, I guess my official title here would be August the Blue." She gestured to her deep blue robes. "Ha, take that nickname man!"
"Aw, don't pick on Aragorn! He'd sad!" Endril hugged him. Aragorn had enough willpower not to push her off and run screaming away.
"How can you be called August the Blue, when only three great wizards remain in the world?" He asked, with cold, plot-hole slaughtering logic. "And those other two unnamed blue Istari were guys. Wizards are male."
"Well, fine, call me a mage or whatever. But I am a Pagan, and in this realm I correspond to the element of Water. That is why I am the Blue."
"That still doesn't make sense."
"Whatever. And the speechless hobbit chick is Mufasa." Fasa waved.
"Doubtless you already know our names." Aragorn said with distaste. "We're been besieged by an army of 'fan-girls', as you call yourselves, for nearly a month."
There was anger at his remarks among the girls.
"Hey, I'm an Otaku!" Mufasa pointed out.
"And how can you be besieged in the middle of a field?" Endril asked.
"I say we kill them now." Gimli grunted. "The longer we stay near them, the worse off we'll be."
"I agree with Gimli." Legolas added. "The mission has already been delayed too long. These girls have a look of evil about them."
"We do not, ya treehugger!" August yelled. She then pondered this a moment. "Okay, so we do, but you could at least stop talking about us like we're not here."
"I wish you weren't here." Said Legolas sullenly.
"Now, that's just mean." Mufasa snapped. "There's no reason to be so testy. Besides, we are here, and will remain here, so deal with it."
"I can remedy that." He replied, reaching for an arrow. Aragorn stopped him, relying on his 'aura of divine nobility' trick to shut them all up.
"I do not hold with the practice of killing innocent maidens, my friend."
Gimli glowered at him.
"They are hardly innocent, Aragorn. I fear they have come to destroy us."
"Even now they turn us against each other." said Legolas. "It would be for the common good to destroy them."
"The hell it would!" August yelled. "Pretty or not, you try to start something, Im'a beat your ass so bad you'll run cryin back to Mirkwood, bitch."
They stood silent in shock at this outburst, though Gimli narrowed his eyes, and Legolas trembled with repressed fury.
"Now, August, that's no way to talk to the pretty Elf guy," Mufasa said calmly. "Don't you want to apologize?"
"No, Fasa, he wants to kill me. This isn't an apology situation."
"Cool." Endril said with an evil grin. "More for me."
But at this, Legolas backed away, a manic twitch taking over his eye.
"No…nooo…" he muttered, crouching near the ground. August looked at him in concern.
"You okay, Lego-kun?" there was no response. "Um, I apologize, if that helps."
"They're coming." He said miserably. "I can feel them…I can feel them in my mind!" While the girls were in shock brought on by the sight of an Elf in hysterics, Aragorn began looking around nervously. Gimli growled.
"Uh, question? A-man?" Mufasa asked. The ranger shushed her.
"They're coming."
"Yes, we've assessed that." Said Endril.
"No, you do not understand."
"The f-f-fangirls!" Legolas shrieked. "They won't leave me alone!" The air became increasingly oppressive, like before a summer storm. August began to look panicked.
"We have no defense against them." Aragorn said glumly.
"Shit."
"So, I'm going to go scout." He replied, and walked over the hill, sword at the ready.
"What…the hell…was that?" Endril asked, once he'd left.
"What, Aragorn?" Gimli replied. "He always does that. Whenever there's a threat of impending attack, he goes to scout the area for signs of danger."
"Umm, that sounds stupid." Mufasa said quietly.
"REALLY stupid!" August yelled. "There's an army of fangirls going to attack us, and The dude with the most 1337 fighting skillz has just left to go 'scout'?!! Where's the sense in that?"
"Nobody insults Aragorn in front of a Dwarf!" Gimli yelled.
"Yeah, Auggie, quit dissing Aragorn. I'm sure he has a perfectly valid reason for leaving us here to die." Endril said calmly.
Before they could berate August any more, a low buzz filled the air, followed quickly by a shockwave that knocked them off their feet.
"What the.." Gimli began.
"shockwave from a spell." August stated as she stood up. "A really big one."
"It's them." Legolas whispered, pale with terror.
"So, they've resorted to more insidious means, then." Endril muttered. "But what kind of spell?"
"Damned if I know." August replied. "I'm still trying to figure out what kind of powers I have."
Oh, come on, it's obvious." Mufasa interrupted in a 'Hermione' tone of voice. "What's the traditional fallback of teenage girls when they can't attain their desired character directly, of through Mary-sues?"
"Ummm…" Endril said. "There's a brown cloud approaching across the plains. Fast."
"Better not be NO2." Mufasa grumbled. "Now does anyone know the answer to my question?"
August's eyes widened in fear.
"Oh, shit."
"What?!" Gimli asked in frustration.
"We are all in very grave peril." August replied.
"Damn right." Mufasa added"
"Peril from what?" yelled Legolas.
"Slash." August said, sighing.
At that moment, Legolas had what could only be described as a psychotic episode.
"No!" He yelled, grabbing Endril by the collar. "You can't let this happen! You cannot let this happen to me!"
"Umm…" was Endril's reply.
"No, you don't understand! They'll all be after me now! They all want me, I know it! You have to stop this! I don't want to be in love with anyone! Why did I have to be the pretty one?!!"
He wailed in despair, then began babbling in a fit of gibberish.
Endril, for her part, tried in vain to get Legolas to come to his senses, but to no avail. She even resorted to slapping him across the face, earning her a steely glare from August. But nothing worked. Finally, she pulled him closer and kissed him, hard, on the mouth. Legolas froze at first, but then responded with desperation, as if Endril was the only stable anchor in a world that was quickly crumbling apart. The kiss was, in August's warped and very angry mind, the living embodiment of a Dali painting, and it both disturbed her and pissed her off. Endril didn't think so, as she was enjoying herself thoroughly.
Eventually, Mufasa cleared he throat loudly, and the moment was over. August looked angry enough to hunt down and murder all of the Nazgul in single combat.
"If you would stop going at it for a bit," she growled. "There's a very dangerous spell about to hit us, and I have work to do."
"Uhm…" said Legolas, breathless.
"Whoakay." Endril added.
"Now." August said with dictator-like harshness. "First off, you have to trust me, you sorry bitches."
"Okay." Mufasa said. The others nodded their assent.
"Good." August began to walk (deosil) in a circle around them, a faint stream of light flowing out of her right hand and then disappearing as she moved.
"I don't get it." Gimli said, confused.
"Shut up." August said as she started to chant.
"I forge a circle in the dust
In perfect love and perfect trust
To shield all who shelter hereFrom all dangers, harm and fear
Thrice I trace the circle round
A boundary drawn upon the ground
Mindful of the law of three
With harm to none, so mote it be!"
August stood in the north end of the area, and crouched low to the ground. She quickly smote her hand once upon the earth. As she did this, a bright circle of whit energy flared up around them, forming into a dome above their heads.
"As above, so below!" she shouted. August then turned to her astounded companions. "The circle is sealed." She said calmly.
"I hope this works." Mufasa said.
"Well, we won't have long to wait and find out." Endril muttered as the brown cloud engulfed them. But the circle held firm, and the air within remained clear.
"I don't like boys, I don't like boys, I don't like boys…." Legolas muttered as a mantra.
Gimli put a hand on his arm in concern.
"Are you okay, Legolas?"
"Get away from me!" The Elf shrieked, drawing his sword and backing away.
"Aw, it's not use, he's still all crazy." Endril sighed.
August rummaged through her pack, and tossed a plastic bottle full of blue-green syrup and a few thin paper tubes to the hobbit.
"Fasa, mix Lego something to calm him down. And go easy on the powder." August ordered. Mufasa did this, though she and Endril were in shock.
"I cannot believe you're doing this." The female Elf told her. "You're drugging the poor guy!"
"Hey, it'll work." August replied. She took the finished bottle from Mufasa and shook it vigorously. After a few soothing words, (years of babysitting finally yielded useful knowledge!) she got the disturbed Elf prince ot put away his weapon and sit down upon the grass. The brown cloud flowed around the outer walls of the circle.
"I want you to drink this." August said as she sat down next to him.
"What is it?" he asked warily.
"NyQuil and Pixy Stix." She announced, putting the bottle to his lips and holding his head with her other hand. "Now drink."
Legolas reluctantly took a sip, and then proceeded to down the entire bottle.
"Is he going to be okay?" Gimli asked. The Elf was now slumped against August's shoulder and hiccupping slightly.
"Sure, he'll be fine." The mage replied as she ran her fingers through his pale, silky hair. "Won't you, Lego?"
Legolas looked up at her. His pupils were slightly dilated.
"You're pretty." He said, smiling blearily.
"Atta boy." Said August, and she kissed him lightly. "Mmm, minty."
"You devious bitch." Said Mufasa, pointing a finger at her. "You put him under a love spell.
"I did not." August responded, indignant. "Love spells are immoral. This is just to dope him up for a while so he doesn't hurt anyone. Being complacent and easily manipulate is just a pleasant side effect. Here, you can take care fo him for a bit if you want."
"Okay!" Mufasa cheered gladly, running over to the drugged Elf.
"Aragorn would not approve of this." Gimli said.
"Hey, where is he, anyway?" Endril asked. August dropped the empty bottle of NyQuil.
"Shit, I knew I forgot something!"
"He's out there, somewhere! What if he got captured, or caught by the spell?" Endril was worried.
Suddenly, the cloud thinned a bit, and a familiar face appeared in the gloom.
"GAH!" August shrieked. They all jumped back. Legolas looked up, confused.
"Well, speak of the devil." Mufasa mused.
Aragorn looked almost, but not quite, entirely unlike himself. There was a blank fog in his eyes, which was slowly replaced by a terrible sadness and longing, which made him seem positively wretched. Well, more than usual.
"Legolas?" he whispered in a voice that was heartrending to hear.
"Hm?" the Elf asked. "Oh, Hi Aragorn." He smiled in a 'happy little mental patient' sort of way.
"Legolas, I…I have to tell you something…" said Aragorn. His voice was tight with emotion, and there was a strange light inhis eyes.
"Awww…" Endril remarked. "He's so sad…"
"This is so beautiful!" exclaimed August, weeping. But a shadow of doubt passed over Legolas' face and he took a step back from the edge of the circle.
"No, please don't leave me, Legolas." Aragorn said desperately. "I…I can't bear to live without you. I need you!" at this, he reached out his hand to touch Legolas' face, but met instead with the glowing wall of the circle.
There was a bright flash of light, followed by what seemed like the sound of a very large bug zapper, and Aragorn was thrown back several feet. He lay prone, and a thin trail of blood seeped from his lips.
"I'm scared." Legolas mumbled, hugging August tightly. But then a harsh wind quickly swept away the cloud and a high wail filled the air.
"I think we made them mad." said Gimli.
The two Elves, however, had other things on their minds. (not like you think, folks.)
"You killed ARAGORN!!" they screamed, lunging for August.
"Ai! I didn't…kill…him!" August gasped, while Endril slowly throttled her. "He's just…unconscious…for…a while…let go!" August weakly attempted to punch Endril, while at the same time batting away the arrow which Legolas was aiming at her head.
Endril frowned and dropped her.
"You still didn't have to hurt him." She grumbled.
"Hey, I didn't want the plot turning slashy, End." She tried to explain. "I had to make a command decision!"
"Where the hell is the fourth wall?!" Legolas wailed. Everyone turned to look at him in shock. "I want my mommy." Rolling her eyes at the pouting Elf prince, Endril began yelling at August.
"Command Decision?! Who elected you leader of this outfit?"
"Well, Endy, I figured it should be the one with the capacity for abstract though, but if that aint the consensus view then Hell, let's put it to a vote."
At this point Mufasa began pounding her little hobbit head against the wall of the circle, either in frustration of not being able of get to Aragorn, or in disgust at the blatant (and poorly-acted) tribute to O Brother, Where Art Thou?
"Can we please get back on track, people?" Gimli asked, growling. "The fangirl army approaches." The Dwarf then did a double take so classic it could have come straight from Looney Tunes. "Hey! I'm out of character! Nobody makes a Dwarf act out of character!!"
"I want my mommy!"
August surveyed the motley group.
"I think we should make a truce, Endril." She began. "Because we are so doomed."
Suddenly, a great horde of rabid fangirls descended upon them, and August knew no more.
Author's Note: Ooh, classic Tolkien-style ending, no less! Apologies to everyone I may have pissed off in the process of this chapter. It's mainly self-mockery, mind you. And you might want to read the original "When Fangirls Attack!" for reference, or if you like Moulin Rouge. Aragorn will be just fine, Mufasa will have a nervous breakdown, August will use gratuitous Japanese nicknames, and Legolas might even sing. *gasp!* Stay tuned, and please review.