AN: For one of my best-gals who thinks Stiles has unresolved issues, needs Derek in his life and has a dark cold hole hugging his heart. Slightly, based off of another conversation about me moving away for college.
Summary: Stiles knows Derek's leaving before anyone else and he can't say goodbye because if Derek leaves he's not coming back, because no one ever comes back.
Stiles knows before anyone speaks a word of it, before Derek even tells Cora that they're leaving. He knows because he can see it in the werewolves stupid eyes. He hates Derek. Him and Derek don't get along, they will never get along. And whatever fairytale happy ending of them becoming friends people could imagine in their heads for the two were lies and insane. Because Stiles did not like Derek, maybe as an acquaintance and he was a good person, despite all his stupid flaws. That's not the point. The point is not how good of a person Derek is it's the fact Stiles is happy he's leaving. Stiles has wanted Derek to leave ever since…well…actually, now that he thinks about it, he never really wanted the Hale to leave. Maybe stop being a part of his life and let Scott live like his best friend wanted to but never leave. But he's happy the werewolf is leaving because that means Scott CAN live his life and they don't have to deal with his crazy problems. So he was happy Derek was leaving.
Or…he was. It isn't until he's curled in his bed the night prior does he think he might want the stupid sourwolf to actually stay. Because if him and Cora leave they're gone and who knows for how long. What if they never come back? Stiles sits up on the bed and frowns, playing with his blanket as he stares out his window. Worse, what if they get hurt and Stiles isn't there to save their stupid lives? What if Derek gets shot by a wolfs bane bullet again or Cora? What if one of them stops breathing and needs CPR again? What…what if Stiles' never sees them again? Stiles has never been good at goodbyes, in fact, he doesn't say it. When Scott went away for vacation Stiles would say 'have fun.' He wouldn't even say 'see you soon' or anything of the sorts. Because saying goodbye meant someone was leaving him and he couldn't handle that.
He groans and kicks his blankets off his bed. The Hale's could handle themselves…except they couldn't because they haven't since Stiles met them. Stiles knows Derek isn't going to go around making peace with anyone or saying he was leaving, he probably won't tell anyone he's leaving. But that doesn't make the leaving any less difficult to deal with. He hates Derek and until his dying breath he'll swear it's true but after these few years together he can't just let Derek walk out of his life the same way he walked in, it's not fair and he won't let it happen. He pushes himself off of his bed and pulls on a pair of jeans, grabbing his hoddie and pulling it on. He grabs his jeep's keys and heads out the front door, slipping his shoes on. They don't even have a friend level relationship and he can't let that man drive out of this town. He presses the pedal down and speeds down the street, switching the radio station and keeping his eyes on the road.
He doesn't really know how much time he has but if he knows anything, he's hoping Cora will be out for a few minutes to give him time to convince the stupid older man that he doesn't have to go, that there's no reason to leave. Now that he thinks about it, he doesn't really care if Cora is there or not. Because people who tell him they're not going anywhere and stupid crap like that lie, they lie and the next thing Stiles knows, they aren't in his life anymore. They're gone and they have no chance of coming back. People who are in his life one day with delusions that they'll be in it the next are the ones that are gone forever. He's always scared of losing his father to something while he's working and he's always waiting for the day Scott walks out of his life, especially now that the boy is a werewolf and actually means something. With people in his life he's always waiting for that other pin to drop, when he doesn't they're gone. When he got out of that basement before saving Jackson, he thought he'd see Erica and Boyd on the other side only hours later. When he left Heather, he expected her to be waiting downstairs for him and then they'd probably start taking showers together. Somehow, all three of those people disappeared and before he could fear losing them, they died.
When his mother died. He spent so much time at the hospital, he barely had time to do anything else. He was reminded of this when he was waiting for Lydia to heal, where every second he sat in those hospital chairs he feared the strawberry blond would wind up dead in only moments. He spent so many hours by his mother's hospital bed where she swore to him, she'd be okay. Where he believed that she wouldn't die because he couldn't do this without her. That the God that his mother spoke so highly of wouldn't take her away from him because he prayed for her to stay. He believed one day she'd be able to go home with him again and they'd be that happy family they were all before this. Then she was gone before he could even think losing her was a possibility. She was gone and there was no chance of her coming back and it was all his fault.
He cuts the engine in the parking lot of the loft and waits for a moment, wondering what he's going to say. He's already at a loss for words, he doesn't think there's anything he could say. He sighs and tucks his keys in his pocket before he makes his way into the place, up the stairs and to Derek's. He pauses at the open door, staring at the few bags in the hallway. He looks inside and Derek's packing one more suitcase, the wolf looks up to him, eyebrows furrowed. He looks to the floor and swallows.
"What are you doing here Stiles?" Derek asks, in his normal grumpy tone. Stiles stares at the floor before leaning against the door frame and looking to the older man, nodding at the suitcase.
"You're leaving?" Derek glances back to his suit case before closing it and looking to the high school teenager.
"Yeah, we're heading out." He admits, raising one brow slightly.
"Oh." Stiles' eyes fall back to the floor and Derek frowns furrowing his eyebrows again, at the chocked voice and stuttering heart. He shakes his head and turns back to his suit case closing it before carrying it to the door, where he drops it. Stiles hand shoots out, grabbing his arm. He looks to the hand then to the teenager. "You can't." Stiles whispers to him, and Derek's frowns deepen, confusion filling him.
"Stiles, what…"
"You can't because if you leave, you're gone." Stiles bites his bottom lip trying to still it. Derek's eyebrows fly up and he turns to face the teen, shocked at the reaction. He figured Stiles would party, the two of them didn't get along too well, so Derek leaving would've been good news. Apparently he was wrong because there are unshed tears in the teenager's eyes and Derek can't quite understand why.
"Stiles?" He questions, almost falling when the boy wraps his arms around him and holds him tightly. Derek isn't sure what to do or how to react to the teenager that's holding him as if letting Derek go meant Derek was going to disappear and never return. Which in Stiles' mind was exactly what was going to happen, if he let Derek go that was it, Derek would become just a memory and a photograph with flares over his eyes, an unspoken conversation that needs to be had over dinner. Derek won't come back.
"If you leave you're not going to come back." He says, trying to hold back his tears as fear fills him. He needs Derek just like Derek needs him, and Derek does need him, no matter how much the older man wants to deny it. "You're gonna fade away like everyone else and you won't come back." Derek frowns and furrows his brow, looking down at the boy in his arms before slowly wrapping his arms around the boy, who slumps forward, falling deeper into Derek. "Please don't go, Derek, please, I can't lose anyone else, please." Derek feels the tears soaking his shirt and rubs the boys back gently, frowning at him. "If you leave, you won't come back, you won't. I know you won't, they never do." The never do, Stiles thinks they will, thinks they'll be there when he opens his eyes but they aren't. They never are, not when Stiles thinks they will be. And he always thought Derek would be. He just pictured his life with Derek in it forever, which he didn't realize before this.
"Stiles, it's only for a little while." He says, but he might as well be lying because he doesn't know if he's coming back. He just doesn't know and Stiles shakes his head in Derek's chest.
"No, you'll say it is. You'll tell me that, you'll say you'll come back, you'll promise to be here but you won't be. You won't be because they never are because forever doesn't exist. You'll walk out and that's it, all you are is a fading memory and a painful mention in conversations. And then we're at your funeral because I wasn't there to make sure you lived and that's it, I'll never see you again." Just like everyone else, just like his mom and Heather and Erica and Boyd. Everyone. Derek doesn't know how to respond to that so he holds the crying boy.
He lets Stiles cling to him and cry, beg and plead for him to stay, make deals with him and sob. He holds Stiles back and doesn't say anything. Because he doesn't know what to say, because there it nothing he can say. And when the crying subsides and Stiles just clings to him, a whispered mantra of 'please, please don't go, you can't go, please, please, please' falling off his lips as he fights off sleep Derek picks him up and lets him cling. He takes Stiles jeep and drives to the house with a clinging Stiles, begging and crying. He carries him through the window and puts him to bed, and holds him and lets Stiles plead and doesn't reply. He doesn't give Stiles the false sense of security that he'll be here. When he finally falls asleep, Stiles is still clinging to him and Derek tries to get away but mid-way through Stiles sucks in a watery breath and whispers words that still Derek's heart.
"Don't leave me mom." Derek stares at him and sits back on the bed, pausing in his actions. Stiles is asleep and Derek wonders if he's to blame for the words or if Stiles always has dreams like that. He sits there for a while watching the pain slip off Stiles' face and the peaceful look of sleep overcome him. He thinks about how he felt and doesn't want to think if him leaving he could just do the young boy more harm than good. But he needs to get out, he decides. He stands and makes his way to the window.
"Promise you'll come back?" Derek meets honey brown eyes, the young boy trying to hide his shame of the break down, sitting on his bed and staring at him. Derek nods and swallows.
"I promise." Stiles watches him leave and turns in his bed and no matter how hard he tries, he just doesn't believe Derek will ever come back. They never do.