AN: A far cry from what I usually write. There's a lot of swearing for one, but that's because of Sasuke and Ino. Plus, I've never written a SasukexIno - I don't really support the pairing that much but this plot bunny just invaded my head. There's a lot of swearing cause that's how I see Sasuke and Ino here - Ino's a bit OC!
Sorry for those who were looking for another AkatsukixSakura - this idea just wouldn't leave me!
PS: Written a while ago, thus back when Sasuke wasn't all 'I wanna be Hokage!'
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto
Life is fucked up.
He's seventeen and sitting in this stupid bloody cell in kami knows where ANBU headquarters and the bloody Hokage is asking him so many questions it's making his head split. And Naruto won't shut the hell up.
But he knows it's going to get worse.
The second week has just passed so the moment that clock on his ceiling turns over to 12:01am his cell is open to visitors of all ninja rank jounin or above. That means he has to deal with Sakura and Kakashi and all those ninja who hate him or love him or kami knows what else.
Naruto's been badgering him enough – the dobe has the authority to visit him as the Hokage-in-training and every morning him and Tsunade traipse into his cell and try to get him to talk.
But it never works.
Uchiha Sasuke has not spoken a single word inside Konoha. The Hokage is furious and Naruto is stubborn and for some reason they both think Sakura might do something.
What the hell.
The clock above him ticks, the second hand going tick tock tick tock passed the ten, and then the eleven, and then the twelve – signalling the beginning of Monday. Immediately, the door swings open and his ANBU guard walks in, checks his restraints, then lets the visitor in.
Sasuke is slouched against the wall. Even though he can move rather freely in his cell, his chakra clamps give him the same energy as an old lady. He stares at the door blandly – he expects Sakura to walk in as after all, it is just like her, but is surprised to see his other dedicated fangirl – Yamanaka Ino.
Fuck, he thinks, because she's dressed to perfection – she is in her short shorts and her skimpy top and her hair is perfectly done and her make-up perfectly patted and he thinks why hasn't she gotten over him? This was another Sakura. Knowing Tsunade, this was probably some other stupid tactic to get him to talk.
"Sasuke," she greets him.
He nods back.
She walks in, her wedges making her seem another three inches taller, even though she already is. She tells the ANBU to close the door and he frowns – the door is sound-proofed and shuts all visibility from the room. When closed, everything happening inside the cell is hidden from outsiders. She mutters quietly to him, no doubt pulling some rich heiress tactic before he relents, closing the door behind him as he leaves.
Sasuke prepares himself for another pointless love confession.
"If you don't talk to her kami help me I will find a scythe and hack at your spine untill it cracks."
The fuck?
"I will fucking tie you to a chair and gouge out your eyeballs and shove them down your throat if you don't talk to her. If you break her heart you're going to wish you hammered a camel."
She hisses, voice quiet and deadly and sharp and everything it is not supposed to be.
Sasuke simply stares.
"Fuck is wrong with you woman?"
She crosses her arms.
"You haven't spoken in two weeks and the first word you say is fuck." She laughs and he stares so hard he thinks his eyes may bleed.
"You better speak to Sakura or you'll wish you'd fucked a cat."
She smiles at him, a sweet, innocent smile that's such a gaping hole from what she's just said.
She walks over to the door and knocks twice. It swings open and the ANBU steps in.
"Thank you very much for your help Tiger-san. By the way, I would like to extend my thanks in the place of my uncle for bringing back dear Toku-kun safely. We were all very worried. And please pass on to your sister that I've sent her the flowers I recommended – they're in the little brown carton on your doorstep. You don't have to pay for them – they're on the shop!"
The ANBU nods and murmurs his thanks. Ino smiles and walks away. The ANBU comes and checks his restraints. Sasuke stares at the door Ino has just closed.
"The fuck?"
ANBU Tiger freezes, disappears, then reappears a second later with a tired-looking Hokage.
"Hello Sasuke," says Tsunade, "I hear you've spoken."
.
ANBU Tiger announced that he has a visitor. This time, he asks him who it is.
"Haruno Sakura-san," says Tiger.
Sasuke groans because kami he is not in the mood for this. Tsunade has been questioning him for the last fifty minutes about why he spoke and then Naruto turned up asking him why he swore and ANBU Tiger was interviewed Ino brought up and goddamit he is pissed.
ANBU Tiger steps back and lets in his former teammate.
She's grown a lot since he's last seen her. Not physically, in so many ways, as she is still rather short, her breasts rather small – though her legs have gotten longer. Rather, it is the other side of things. She's more confidence, her kunoichi grace defined. She's stronger, more resilient, and very, very stubborn. Her eyes are a mixture between determination and anger and sadness and perhaps some twisted love.
Yet there's still something decidedly Sakura. The innocence, the stupid fucking naïve outlook on life. Her optimism. Her normalness.
"Hello Sasuke-ku-" she pauses, swallows harshly, "Hello Sasuke-san."
He doesn't want to talk because kami she pisses him off and the previous weird associate thing they had going on is long gone and even though she thinks they're friends he fucking doesn't and it's all just wrong.
So he's fully prepared to stay starkly silent. But then he remembers his previous visitor. The bat-shit crazy ex-fangirl with the perfect exterior mask. And he thinks, if I talk to her she better leave me alone.
So he says – "Hello Sakura."
.
"Fuck off."
"No."
"You stalking me?"
"I can't stalk you Uchiha you're in a fucking cell."
She has a point. Ino grins triumphantly at him, crossing her arm as she leans against the opposite wall. She's in a lilac dress and the same wedges from before. It is Wednesday.
"Why don't you leave me alone? I talked to Sakura – that's what you wanted isn't it?" This lady is crazy.
"You talked to her. Sure. I said you better not break her heart. And what do you do? You insult her. You're fucking sick!"
"Coming from you."
He snorts, dragging his shackles so that he's a further feet away from her. "Why can't you just leave me alone?"
She stalks towards him, closing his extra few feet. "The day I leave you alone is the day you stop breaking her heart."
"You're crazy."
"You're twisted."
"You stalk me."
"You bit a hyena."
Sasuke shakes his head in absolute confusion.
"Don't you have somewhere else to be? Why're you so obsessed with Sakura's happiness you crazy bat?"
Ino snorts and stalks towards the door.
"That's for me to know and you to find out you mad hatter."
She taps on the door, exchanges pleasantries with ANBU Tiger, then leaves.
He turns to ANBU Tiger after she leaves. "The fuck?"
.
"You're a sick whacko."
Sasuke groans. He's lying on his bed, also known as a little layer of hay. It's Tuesday and it's bloody early. His visitor isn't helping either.
"What do you want Yamanaka? What compelled you to visit me this early in the morning?"
His eyes are still closed but he can practically feel her smirk. "Missed me darling?"
He curses at her mentally in three different languages. Slowly, he hauls himself up, eyes drooping heavily in sleep.
"You haven't visited me in nearly a week. I thought you'd given up. I thought my prayers had been answered."
Ino laughs, her sick twisted laugh so different from the innocent one she uses in front of everyone else.
"The day I give up is the day you get raped by a cactus."
Her constant random comments are startling him less now, though he still wonders at the things that spew from her lips.
They stay in silence – him, sitting up, propped against the wall as he wakes himself. She is leaning against the opposite wall, looking as perfectly manufactured as usual. Kami knows how early she has to wake up to look presentable in this hour.
"I had a talk with Sakura on Sunday."
Really? He thinks. This isn't going to be fun.
"She says you're playing mind games with her."
He snorts. "You women are all too bloody complicated. She came in and I said 'hello, how have you been', and she accuses me of being some fucktard trying to mess her up. I'm just being friendly. Isn't that what you told me to do?"
Ino purses her lips. "You're not doing a very good job."
"Well I'm fucking trying!" He says. "Isn't that what you want me to do?"
Ino's eyes snap up at him, and for a second, her fiendish mask drops. Her eyes become a clear blue, dark like the sea and rain and storm and all the floods that drown his blood. And then her snooty look is back.
"Good," she says. "I'll check on you later."
Then her innocent mask appears and she walks over to the door and knocks sharply.
As she leaves, he simply stares.
ANBU Tiger turns to him. "This is the first time you haven't said 'the fuck' after she left."
.
"Mm," says Ino, twirling a lock of her hair as she stares at him contemplatively. "Maybe Sakura is a bit naïve."
Sasuke snorts. "She's as innocent as a fucking unicorn."
"I would have said a hippo."
Proof how crazy this woman is, thinks Sasuke. It's been three weeks since her first visit to his cell. She visits him sporadically – he never knows when she's going to come. Yet it's been a weird sort of crude and rude and nice at the same time. Naruto's visits are always strained, Sakura's awkward. No one else visits him except Ino, the Hokage, and occasionally some interrogator. She's become a sort of routine for him, these strange, strange conversations they have. They could keep him entertained for eternity.
Ino's still bat-shit crazy. It's like a switch is flipped the moment the door closes. She spazzes out, threatening, cooing and laughing at the same time. Sometimes he does too – in weird, random opportune moments he smiles, eyes lighting up with the same glint as he talks with her. Perhaps they're both bat-shit crazy and that's why she keeps coming back and he keeps talking.
"I don't know why you want me to make her life all shits and rainbows. I don't fucking like her."
"Just do it," she answers, now plaiting her little strand of hair. "Plus, it'll help you in the end."
He raises an eyebrow.
"Trust me. It'll help you. You'll see. It's coming."
She finishes her plait then undoes it just as quickly. "Hmm," she ponders, "Your hair's messy. Next time I come, I'll give you a haircut. Your head looks like a chicken's butt."
And he smiles.
.
She's trying to get him to smile.
"Come on Sasuke-kun – isn't it cool. I never knew you could do that with chakra!" Sakura smiles brightly at him, letting the origami bird go and watching it flutter in the wind. "Tsunade-shishou taught it to me!"
He nods, remembering Ino's words to him.
"Good work," he says – his daily quotient of 'be friendly to Sakura' fulfilled.
She smiles brightly at him again before leaning forward.
He frowns instinctively – Sakura's always too close for comfort. Naruto always stands right opposite him, and Ino doesn't really care – she always stands or sits a few steps from the door, no matter if he's near or far away. Sakura on the other hand has been inching closer and closer with each visit. Now, she is sitting cross-legged a mere feet across from him. He's also sitting down, his back against the wall and his shackles crumpled in a heap to the side.
She reaches up and pokes his cheek.
He frowns harder.
"Come on Sasuke," she says, "smile!"
His deal with Ino didn't include smiling.
He sits there frowning.
"Come on Sasuke," she says, her smile faltering, her finger poking his cheek once more.
"Sasuke." Poke. "Sasuke." Poke. "Sasuke." Poke.
She gives up, leaning back.
"Sometimes you're so difficult Sasuke," she says softly. "I'm just trying to-"
Fix me. She's just trying to fix me.
She sighs, standing up.
"Goodbye Sasuke. I-I still love you."
He looks up. This is the first time she's said those words to him since that cold night outside the bench. He wonders what's brought this up.
"Do you love me?"
He remembers his promise to Ino – be nice – and stays silent.
Sakura walks out the door.
.
"The Hokage wants to see you."
He swears it's five in the morning – the clock above him confirms it – and he's pulled up from his bed by ANBU Tiger and one of his friends.
His head is still foggy and sometime in his dizziness the ANBU have changed his constraints to moveable ones and are now dragging a blindfold across his eyes.
His mind slowly wakes up as they recheck his constraints before he is jerked into motion.
The ANBU are dragging him and soon he hears the familiar click clack of his jail door. He is outside his cell now and is given a brief moment to reorientate himself before he is being dragged again.
A myriad of turns later, he is sufficiently awake and the blindfold is hauled off.
He is standing in the Hokage's office, the two ANBU at his side. Tsunade is sitting at her desk, fingers interlaced as she leans forward. To her right is Shizune, and to her left is Sakura. There are a myriad of other people in the room – Naruto is standing behind the three, looking slightly bedraggled. He recognises a few others – Kakashi, whom he's seen about once since his return, and Genma, Anko and Ibiki from his chuunin exams. And then he spots Ino, lounging away in her little dark corner, appearance perfect like usual.
She knows.
Tsunade clears her throat and the room turn their attention to her.
"The Konoha Council has decided on your punishment."
Sasuke nods, gritting his teeth. From the corner of his eye, he sees Ino give him a small smile. He straightens and stands proud.
"Now that you have served one month in the ANBU cells, we have decided to end your jail time. We have concluded that though you have committed many crimes, you have also performed many deeds beneficial to Konoha, mainly the killing of Orochimaru. However, you must spend the rest of your jail time in the constant company of the Hokage-in-training Uzumaki Naruto."
From behind the Hokage's seat, Naruto gives him a wolfish smile. He can hear Ino mumbling softly in her own little corner. His frown turns into a smile – he can imagine Ino muttering in her own little world 'I can't believe they let that fucktard run around. He'll probably go around molesting rabbits.' It was just the thing Ino would say.
"In addition," the Hokage continues, "You must also complete five years of community service and D-rank missions only. However, this only starts when your loyalty to Konoha is proven. And if it is not, then all this will be annulled and you'll spend the rest of your life in your cell."
His smile drops but he stays silent, waiting for her to continue.
She doesn't.
"So," he says flatly. "How d'you s'ppose I 'prove my loyalty'."
Tsunade grins. "You must take a Konoha bride."
Before he has time to voice the atrocious words in his head she continues.
"You must sign an oath promising that you shall find a bride. If the oath is broken, you will be immediately returned to your cell. However, I would never put a poor woman through living a life with you if she doesn't want to, so they have the right to decline. If one crazy woman does accept, however, and you are found mistreating her, the oath is also broken. Yet until you find a bride, your chakra clamps will not be removed." She smiles, lips pulling back in a maniacal grin. "I suggest you start wooing Uchiha."
Around him, everyone is murmuring. He can hear Ino's melodic laugh in the background.
And then, he does the one thing no one expected of him – he smiles.
"I'll sign the oath Hokage-sama."
.
"They're letting you out," sings Ino as she twirls around his cell.
"They are," he replies, waiting for the ANBU Tiger to return and escort him outside. He is allowed to wonder around Konoha in his 'wooing' while being tailed by a whole platoon of ANBU. He gets four hours a day before being taken back into his cell.
"But," says Ino, "You don't need to, because you can pop the question to Sakura!"
He freezes, eyes narrowing before turning to her.
"The fuck? That's why you've been making me be nice to Sakura?"
Ino stops twirling.
"Think about it. Sakura's happy as long as she's with you, and she's my best friend – I want to see her happy. And if you marry her than you'll be free! Win-win situation!"
Sasuke freezes and growls. "The fuck Ino! Emotions aren't that simple. You can't just slap them onto paper and make them seem easy. They're fucking not. You can't just pair me up with her – I don't even goddam like her. You're such a fucking twat!"
Then he stands up and marches towards her – shackles be damned – and pulls her towards him. She lands smack bang into his chest and he hugs her towards him, pulls her chin up, and kisses her. It's awkward and fumbling and beautiful at the same time and it's like his chest is going to burst and his brain is going into overdrive and fuck she's perfect for him.
"Sasuke," she breathes as they pull apart. "You're like a fucking rainbow."
He stares into her eyes and he holds her tight. "I don't want Sakura. She's a fixer. I don't need to be fixed. I'm not broken. I'm me. I wouldn't be me without everything I've been through. What's happened to me hasn't broken me, it's made me. I don't need to be fixed Ino, I'm not fucking broken."
"But you're kind of bent," she says, hands gripping his worn short. "Very bent. Especially in the head."
"Yeah," he whispers, "And so are you."
.
.
.
He's out on his daily 'wooing'. He doesn't actually woo any girls, and takes the time to relax under the Konoha sun in the fields of grass. His ANBU tailers must have reported that to Tsunade, because now she's constantly reminding him about finding a wife.
He makes his way to his favourite spot – a patch of grass near a willow that sits on the top of a hill. It faces away from Konoha and into the plains beyond. His ANBU platoon is trailing him – two are in front, two on either side, two tailing him, and two circling him.
The two ANBU in front of him reach the tree first and duck under its branches. A moment later, they emerge and converge with the other eight members of the platoon. He ignores them and continues on, climbing up the hill.
Suddenly, Nara Shikamaru and Akimichi Chouji appear through the leaves of the willow and saunter towards him. The ANBU platoon moves away from him, coming to a stop 400 feet away – far away enough not to hear conversation but close enough to run and stop him in the case of an incident.
"Ino's a Yamanaka," says Shikamaru. "That makes her messed up."
"And then she's Ino," says Chouji. "And that makes her even more messed up."
"Almost," says Shikamaru, "As messed up as you. Whatever you do, take good care of her."
Sasuke doesn't question them – how they know, what they suspect, what they're even doing here.
"I will," he says. And he means it.
They nod and saunter back to the willow. Sasuke walks back down the hill towards the centre of the village and the platoon immediately return to their usual posts.
As he emerges into the market, the gossip starts up again. This always happens – the furtive glances, the whispered words. These people are all stupid if they think he can't hear them.
They've gotten bolder with each of his visits – perhaps he seems more docile, less intimidating with an ANBU platoon around him. The cells have also starved him – he's a lot thinner and weaker than he used to be, but that could be easily rectified.
"Hey Uchiha!"
Sasuke raises an eyebrow – this is the first time someone, not including Shikamaru and Chouji, has decided to approach him. The man is a jounin, probably newly minted though, considering his vest still looks pretty clean. He's rather tall, and only an inch shorter than Sasuke, but his build is much stronger.
"Can't believe you're showing your face here you stupid bastard!"
"This is fucked up," Sasuke mutters. The jounin is looks at least ten years older than him.
"You little Uchiha! Think you're so good-"
Sasuke tunes him out, his eyes wandering aimlessly around the market. Civilians have stopped in their daily routines to watch this confrontation. The nearby shop owners are quickly pinning down their stores and shoving their products in boxes so that they won't be damaged in the fight. The ANBU platoon around him are in strike mode, two with scrolls at the ready to summon the Hokage, another four stationed to stop him, and the other four stationed to defend the bystanders.
Too bad for all of them though, because he honestly doesn't give a shit. They're not getting a fight.
"And poor Sakura who's been dragged in by your snake charms. You're poisoning all our women. And that Yamanaka heiress. She's always with you! Who knows what you two do behind closed doors. You're turning her and Sakura-chan into sluts-"
He takes it back. They are getting a fight.
"Sharingan."
Behind him, ANBU Tiger swears. "Fuck," he says to his partner. "He isn't supposed to be able to use the sharingan. What did he do? Fuck. Fuck. We have to protect the civilians. Fuck. Report this to Tsunade."
Meanwhile, the jounin is on the ground screaming and Sasuke has a plan.
.
"I am not very happy."
Evidently, Sasuke wants to say. They are in the Hokage's office to sign his marriage contract with Ino. He had simply asked her to marry him. She had complained it wasn't romantic enough, and he had said to wait – it was coming. She would be happy by the end of today.
"Although you have found yourself a bride, you have somehow broken one of your chakra restraints."
"Whatever. I don't give a fuck." He hands her the papers with his and Ino's signatures. "The oath didn't mention that. I checked. Twice. I'm married now. Take off my restraints."
Tsunade looks very unhappy but signals to her ANBU.
ANBU Tiger comes forwards and begins the long process. Meanwhile, Sasuke stares out the glass of the Hokage's window to the beyond.
"Ino?" He asks as his chakra restraints fall to the ground.
"Yes?"
"You wanna become missing nin?"
"Wha?"
"Run away with me."
Tsunade blinks in shock. Ino stares at him before pure laughter bubbles from her throat.
"You're a fucking kangaroo Sasuke!"
Tsunade is completely shell-shocked at Ino's complete turnaround in personality. However, she quickly regains her senses and steps forward.
"Sasuke that was completely uncalled for. You and I will have a talk. Even though I don't know what that was, I'm glad you refused Ino."
Ino stares at her in confusion.
"That wasn't a fucking refusal," Sasuke says blankly.
Then he takes her hand and they disappear to the beyond.
AN: See? Very different from what I usually write. Please give me some feedback so I know how I went and I hope you enjoyed!