EA: Come on! Like you're really going to go to hell for a simple little oneshot.
Starcatcher: I MEANT I'll be burned by the numerous flames from Kagome fans I know are going to be pissed off by this.
EA: Well they should have known better than to read it then.
Starcatcher: Well, here it is, folks. The fic we've been talking about but never actually working on is finally finished.
EA: And about damn time, too! Honestly, some people were starting to wonder if you died!
Starcatcher: If I died? What about you?
EA: They don't seem so concerned with me for some reason...I'm unloved! (Cries)
Starcatcher: Don't be silly, you're not unloved. (Looks out to readers) Right?
(Sound of crickets can be heard.)
EA: (Pulls out flamethrower on crickets, cackling evilly) MWAHAHA!
Starcatcher: Uh...yeah...we don't own the series or any characters or items from the show, Inuyasha, other than the plushies EA likes to hug and/or maim.
EA: (Maiming what once could have been a Jaken plushie) Enjoy the fic!
LIFELESSONSLIFELESSONSLIFELESSONSLIFELESSONSLIFELESSONS
It was yet another beautiful day in Feudal Japan.
The sun was shining.
The grass was green.
The birds and the bees were doing their thing which cannot be said for fear of upping the rating of this fic.
Yep, it was shaping up to be a regular day...
"SITSITSITSITSIT! SIIIIIIIIIIIT!"
What? That? Oh, that's only Kagome flattening Inuyasha into a pancake. Just a routine occurrance that is often overused in fanfiction in a lame attempt to add humor. Pay it no mind.
Oh, the reason for it this time? It's really no different from all the other times, to be honest.
Kouga showed up and started flirting with Kagome and making obvious jabs at Inuyasha. Inuyasha got mad and tried to fight with Kouga. Kagome felt it was her duty to stop the fighting and chose to do so by shouting out "SIT!" a bunch of times to slam Inuyasha into the dirt face-first. And it all ended with an Inuyasha-shaped crater in the ground, a huffing Kagome complaining about what a pain he is, and a very happy Kouga as he gets to make a few more jokes at the hanyou's expense before running off, knowing full well the mutt wouldn't be able to do anything about it.
Now seeing as how it's so overused to the point that everyone should more or less be able to imagine the details of the aforementioned argument for themselves--plus that I'm too bored and lazy to go through the entire thing in detail--, we're just going to skip ahead a few hours after this incident to when Kagome, Sango, Kilala, and Shippou are at the hot springs, having their annual "Inu-bashing" session that follows every time such an argument takes place.
"Honestly, he can be so annoying sometimes! After everything Kouga's done to help us in the past, Inuyasha still won't let go of that grudge and tries to fight him!" Retorted the girl from the future.
Normally, Shippou would jump at any chance to get Inuyasha into trouble, but after tallying up the scores between a wolf demon who would have had him be eaten and a hanyou who saved him and everyone else in the group on a near regular basis, he decided that he really preferred Inuyasha over Kouga.
...Okay, so maybe the fact that Kouga would kill him for pulling even ONE of his tricks whereas Inuyasha had only bopped on him the head had a little to do with it as well.
And when we say "a little", we mean "practically everything".
"Well, he DID try to kill Inuyasha more than once, and never apologized for it." Even if he and the white-haired half-demon didn't get along most of the time, Shippou certainly didn't want Kouga taking his place.
Kagome, though a bit confused that Shippou was actually standing up for Inuyasha, didn't think much of it. "He was tricked. Inuyasha knows that, but won't let it go! He just has to start up a conflict every time Kouga comes to visit."
Sango sighed, trying to be reasonable and fair to both sides. She could understand Kagome's frustration, but Inuyasha was her friend, too, and she felt she could sympathize with him as well. "Well, Kagome...it IS partly Kouga's fault as well. He's the one who shows up and starts an argument, after all." Kilala mewed in agreement.
"It wouldn't be so bad if Inuyasha wasn't all raring for a fight! He needs to accept that he can't win all the time!" Kagome huffed, angrily. After a moment's silence, she then sighed. "I wish he would just learn to turn the other cheek."
What Kagome would later discover, to her horror, was that Inuyasha had heard her...and fully intended to give her what she wanted...
LIFELESSONSLIFELESSONSLIFELESSONSLIFELESSONSLIFELESSONS
A few days later and we find ourselves in the same aforementioned situation. Kouga found out where the group was and rushed over to see how "his" Kagome was doing, yet again taking the time to flirt with her while making jabs at Inuyasha's weakness and how he couldn't protect her as well as Kouga--a full demon as he would keep pointing out--could.
Granted, maybe Kagome was oblivious to the growing tension Kouga was causing. Or maybe she did know but was too nice to ask him to knock it off or leave. Or maybe she had been knocked out and replaced with an evil, manipulative fangirl using the situation to her advantage in order to keep two guys fighting over her.
...Hey, we need to keep all possible options open.
Well, whatever the reason, she didn't try to halt Kouga's advances or attempt to get him to tone down his flirting while right in front of Inuyasha of all people, who had, up to this point, been watching the scene with the others, appearing to be relatively calm, which is certainly not normal for him.
Sango, Miroku, Shippou, and Kilala were really starting to get worried. Usually, Inuyasha would have stepped in the instant Kouga showed up and started his tirade and yet...nothing...nada...zip.
And the four were getting this foreboding feeling as though this was some sort of ominous sign of things to come...
Terrible, TERRIBLE things...
Things that would forever change the very face of reality as they knew it...
Well, they didn't have much time to consider what the previously noted feelings could have been blatantly foreshadowing because Inuyasha, apparently, had finally had enough by this time and walked over to where Kagome and Kouga were standing.
Seeing this action, they decided they must have been imagining things and chose not to worry about the subtle warning signs they had been given.
Only to end up kicking themselves later for not taking the aforementioned blatant foreshadowing more seriously.
Miroku sighed, figuring how it was going to end...just like always. "And here it goes again..."
Shippou nodded in agreement, annoyed. "When will he learn?"
It was by this time that Kouga stopped his flirting with Kagome to notice Inuyasha approaching.
"What do you want, mutt-face?" Kouga sneered. Kagome sighed at that and was preparing herself to 'sit' Inuyasha when he did something that should have IMMEDIATELY set off the warning bells in her mind.
Inuyasha SMILED.
And it wasn't one of his trademark smirks, or half smiles, or 'lip barely twitches' smiles.
No, this was a full blown honestly HAPPY smile! With TEETH showing!
And if you've been watching the anime, dear readers, you should know that NOTHING good ever comes from Inuyasha smiling.
EVER.
And what happened next only confirms that.
"I just wanted to say 'Congratulations Kouga'!"
And just like that, everything froze. No birds sang. No bees buzzed. Even the wind came to a standstill. It was almost as though time had stopped altogether.
Or some higher power just made it seem that way to needlessly up the drama in a humor fic. Higher powers like to do that for some odd reason. Doesn't make any sense to the rest of us, but hey, we're not about to go and question the methods of the ones controlling the world.
But whatever the reason, the fact remains that Inuyasha had just done something that surprised the heck out of Kouga and his friends, and they're supposed to be the ones that know him best. Yet not a single one of them saw this coming...
Kouga stared.
Kagome stared.
Sango, Miroku, Shippou, and Kilala stared.
And if he was there, Sesshomaru probably would have stared, too. But the author doesn't really care about Sesshomaru and couldn't find any realistic way to include him (much to the anger of the Sesshomaru fangirls), so he's not there. But he still would have stared.
In fact, even the birds, the bees, the trees, and just about everyone and everything else not previously mentioned stared, as no one was able to make any sense out of his statement.
And through it all, Inuyasha just kept smiling in that overly creepy way that has us wondering whether or not he had been replaced by a minion of Naraku's at some point earlier on.
Or if he finally lost his mind.
Hey, it's possible. Nobody knows what side effects too many "sits" could have on a person's brain, even if said person is half-demon.
But having had enough of the staring in silence, Kouga blinked and stepped forward, suspecting some sort of trick.
If only he knew how right he was...
"What are you talking about, Inu-TRASHA?" He demanded.
Inuyasha, however, just continued to smile in that bright--if not still somewhat TOTALLY creepy--way, apparently completely oblivious to the crazy looks he was currently getting and the overall strangeness of the situation, especially where he was concerned.
"I'm just congratulating you on winning Kagome!"
And that's when the author's computer exploded trying to compute what it was being told despite it going against the very laws of nature.
No, the sun did not rise in the west. No, Naraku was NOT an angsty teen boy who just needed some lovin' from the right person. And no, Inuyasha did not EVER give in to anything with a smile on his face and a song in his heart.
But here he is...handing Kagome over to a guy he hates and doing it good-naturedly.
Which can only mean there is something terribly, HORRIBLY wrong here.
But as it would seem that no one else has realized this yet, we shall just continue.
Kouga blinked, confused and somewhat suspicious. "Wait...what?"
"Inu...yasha...what are you doing?" Kagome asked, getting nervous.
"I'm just giving you what you asked for! Isn't that what you wanted, Kagome?" Inuyasha asked, looking honestly perplexed by her reaction. "I would have thought you'd be HAPPY that I'm finally backing off and letting Kouga take you! I mean, it should have been obvious how deeply you felt for him considering how much more worried you are for him than me all the time even when I'm more injured."
Kagome flinched, remembering those incidents.
"And with how you're always 'sitting' me for fighting with Kouga without ever reprimanding him in return even when he starts it."
Another flinch.
"And always thanking him for every little thing he does for you while I only got one 'thanks' out of all the times I saved you on a near-constant basis!"
Yet another flinch at the memory.
Okay, so she was usually a bit tougher on Inuyasha than Kouga, but she never gave the impression that she wanted to be handed off to the wolf demom!
...Or so she tells herself. All the Kouga/Kagome fans seem to think differently.
"B-but that doesn't mean--" She started.
"Of course it does! Don't you know anything about mating rituals between demons?" Inuyasha asked her. "It's obvious which of us you really care for, and...well...I don't want to be in the way."
"N-now wait a minute, Inuyasha, I--" Kagome tried to start in, but was again cut off by Inuyasha, who shook his head in a dejected manner.
"No, Kagome, don't bother trying to salvage my feelings. I understand that your heart has made its choice and I just wasn't it." At about this time, some omnipotent entity decided to have there be a slight breeze lightly blowing through Inuyasha's hair to add to the effect...almost like an overly sappy romance story.
Completely ignoring the fact that this isn't an overly sappy romance story, it's a crappy Kagome-gets-what's-coming-to-her humor fic.
And Kagome had somehow by now realized that fact, and tried to speak out in a vain attempt to stop it before things got too far.
'Vain attempt' being the key words here.
"Hold it! I don't want--" Before she could get too far, she was cut off by Inuyasha placing his hands on her shoulders, looking deeply down into her eyes in what appeared to anyone else as true sadness.
Kagome, however, having full eye contact with him, could have sworn she saw some hidden mirth in his gaze as he spoke.
"I realize now all the wrongs I've committed against you by trying to stand in the way of your love. It should have been obvious, considering how many times you'd SLAM me into the ground for trying to keep your precious full wolf demon lover from running off and having his way with you. But you don't have to worry about me getting in the way ANYmore."
He broke out into a smile that made Kagome cringe. "I'll leave you and Kouga alone from now on. I'm sure you two will be VERY happy together...bonded to one another forever...as mates...with lots and lots of pups...in th-that ni-ice...(here he tried to hold back a sob that sounded suspiciously to Kagome like a snicker) h-HOMEY cave with all the other wolves and wolf demons with absolutely no privacy and no way to return to your time..."
Her eyes widened in horror. "WHAT!"
"Well, we can't have you wandering around with the jewel shards where any old demon or someone like Naraku can come along and get you, can we? You'd be much safer with Kouga in his den till Naraku is gone for good, though who knows how long that'll take." The dog-eared boy shrugged. "Maybe weeks, maybe months...heck, it'd probably be years! But at least you'll be safe in that good old cave of Kouga's with him watching over you day in and day out without you ever leaving his sight."
"BUT--!"
"Yeah, he's right!" Kouga happily exclaimed, pleasantly surprised that he'd finally get to be with his woman without any interference from Inuyasha. Needless to say, he wasn't taking any notice of Kagome's increasing distraught. "Don't worry, Kagome, I can take care of you there!"
"Even if we can't be together, I don't want anything to happen to you, Kagome." Inuyasha told her, sincerely.
"INU--" The girl from the future started to shout angrily, only to be cut off--yet again--by the half-demon who put a finger to her lips.
"Hush. Don't speak. Just let me gaze upon you one last time before you're forever bonded to Kouga. I will think of you fondly even as you lie in the arms of another." Here, he broke off from speaking to wipe away a tear Kagome was certain wasn't really there. "Yes, it hurts me deeply to lose you, and I'm sure it'll take me a good long while to get over this heartbreak, but I'll just have to move on with my life." He sighed sadly, hand over his chest. "But you will always hold a special place in my heart."
Kouga watched this scene, not trying to break it up, seeing as how Kagome was already his and he figured, being the nice guy he is (somewhere across the world, laughter can be heard), he would at least let the white-haired hanyou say his goodbyes.
Inuyasha then took both her hands in his. "Goodbye Kagome. I wish you the UTMOST happiness..." At this, he gave her a quick smile before letting go of her hands and backing away from the girl who was, understandably, stunned into silence. "Take care of her, Kouga."
"Thanks, Inutra--I mean...Inuyasha. You're really not all that bad." Kouga grinned at the other male. The poor girl was still in shock, she didn't realize she had been strategically placed right into Kouga's waiting hands. "We're off then. Later!" With that, he took off running, holding Kagome firmly against his chest.
It was at this point that Kagome had snapped back to reality and began to protest, trying to push herself out of Kouga's grip. "No wait! This isn't supposed to happen! INUYASHA! INUYASHA, YOU GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!" Of course, her attempts were futile.
Gotta admire the effort, though...
Everyone stared at the retreating form of a blatantly oblivious Kouga as he carried a furiously thrashing Kagome. They could only watch in silence until they, at long last, lost sight of the two, Kagome's screams fading in the distance with them. A few seconds afterwards, Sango, Miroku, Shippou, and Kilala all glanced at one another, completely stunned.
"Well..." Miroku started, breaking the silence. "This...could pose a problem." With that, they all turned as one to face Inuyasha, wondering what he would do now.
Inuyasha, however, took no notice of their stares. He was grinning from ear to ear--not literally in his case, as his ears were on top of his head and no smile could possibly be THAT big--and about as happy as could be.
"Hey...this 'turn the other cheek' thing is fun! Kagome should mention this stuff more often!"
END