Light That Blinds
by anokasdoll
A/N: My take on the beginning of Bella's life as a vampire, beginning on her transformation. Both Bella's and Edward's POV. Enjoy.
She laid in the bed with her knees up to her chest, her head slightly leaning back and her eyes lost in the emptiness of the ceiling. The shine in her eyes was gone. They were pretty eyes, yes, but the usual glow was missing. The deepness, where I so many times found myself lost in, was missing. Did the glow run, hide, died? No, everything but dead, please. My mind went over it again and again – not dead, please, please, please… Most of my pleading was not loud, but somehow I knew that she heard the request, that my words found a way to her heart.
That was because, now and then, her eyes drifted to my face and she smiled. The smile was just like her eyes, full of pain, forced and lost but - and that I had no doubt - it was sincere. And with that smile, she gave me strength. A vicious cycle, fragile but that kept us both free of resentments. Despite that, even if she didn't smile or grant me the beauty of her eyes, I would still send her all the possible strength, the strength you gave me (perhaps without my knowledge?) through time. And now, all I had left for the time being was to watch her lying there, incapable of giving anything.
My darling, why?
This was my fault and I knew it. No matter how many times she had denied it, I knew the truth. She would still be alive, with her family and friends and – ugh – and Jacob, if not for me. If not for the stupid promise we had to make to the merciless creatures (so much like myself) in Italy, again because of me and my actions. If not for me, she would still have a soul… She said once that my love for her was the proof that I indeed had a soul. But just because you want to believe in something, doesn't make it any more truthful.
I would've dwelled on the matter but the sighs outside the door startled me. They came back. I knew that my family was as concerned with her as they were with me. Sometimes, one of them would enter the room to check on her, but before leaving, they would look at me and silently ask if I was okay. They were afraid that the temptation of the blood was too much for me to bear, or that I was going to have a mental breakdown. But of all my concerns, her blood was the smallest. I waited and waited for the burning in my throat to come to life but it didn't. And, although I would reassure them that I was fine, I couldn't deny it to myself. I could feel her pain and that killed me inside. Knowing that was my teeth, my venom, my greed, and my selfishness that caused her pain.
I inhale deeply, letting the last wisps of her natural aroma fill me. Again, I was surprised not to feel the ache in my throat, not to have the venom rush into my mouth. But this wasn't only due to the resistance I had gained, for even when her blood reached my mouth, my natural instincts didn't wake up.
The slices in her arms, throat, ankles … Plenty of them, some deep, and others superficial would likely leave scars in more than one way. But if they closed, to never again be reopened, it would be worth it. I kept humming the anthem I had written to her, although I knew she couldn't hear it.
I pictured in my head the future that lied ahead – everything not to hear the screams that sliced my undead heart – but I could not imagine her. I knew that everything would be worth it, but this moment was also my time to grieve what I was loosing. Never again to save her from the inevitable clumsiness, never again to surprise her with my speed, never again to feel the heat, never again to see her lovely blush, never again to hear her heart… Nothing compared to what I would gain, for sure, but still those were the symbols of the humanity I stolen. If only we could trade places… If only… If… Our story still played it self in my head. No. Not a story, because a story asks for an ending and I could not imagine an ending for us. Simply inconceivable.
Forever. You promised.
I've felt many kinds of hate. God knows I have and towards people who deserved it. And, although I was already used to this feeling, now it became much worse. The worst kind of hate now adorned my heart – hate towards myself. Knowing that I made this mistake; that I've brought so much pain upon the only person that loved me - that I loved – was the reason behind my unshed tears. What could I have done differently was the question bugging my mind. But it was the wrong one. I should be asking myself what I could do to fix it. But that brings the most dreadful possibility: what if it can't be fixed?
But if you changed your mind? The thought alone tormented me. She has no idea what she's giving up and turning herself into. No matter how much she has seen and the proximity to our world, she has no clue what is to be like us. There's no way she can understand what is like to have no heart beat, understand the thirst, the eternity, and we have to do for survival. There's no way one can understand it, except one feeling it.
Bella, my Bella. What if you wake up and regret it all?
I knew this could not be undone – oh, and I knew this too well – that there was no turning back, that it was irreversible. Murder. Plain and simple. She was dying – the first time I admitted it to myself. Death is the cessation of the biological functions that define living organisms. Her heart was stopping. I could hear his last beats along with my sallow and unnecessary breaths. But I was going to compensate it as much as I could. She would be happy, and I would make sure of that regarding everything within my reach. And she would be safe; I would also make sure that nothing would ever harm her again. I hoped that such actions were not necessary but if so, I would eradicate every James, every Victoria, every member of the Volturi.
I tried to ignore it but as the venom devoured her senses the screams continued. Why you, my Bella, stayed, loved me, and wanted me was beyond anything I could fathom.
Tick tack
Tick tack
24 hours to go.
A/N: Thanks for reading. Please leave a review telling me what you think. Possibly will edit after Breaking Dawn.