This is my first FMA fic on FF.N… not my first FMA fic. Please keep in mind that this fic is supposed to be CRACK. I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.
-X-
Jean Havoc wasn't exactly sure what had made him come to the Armstrong family's estate that fateful day, when he had met Katherine, fallen head over heels in love, and had been harshly shut down by the cruel tone of reality.
What was even more bizarre was the fact that he came back for more.
Armstrong's family was throwing a banquet in honour of the engagement of one of his older sisters, and Armstrong, being the frustratingly kind person he was, had invited Mustang and all of his subordinates as guests. As soon as they had arrived, he and the Colonel had made a beeline for the marquee that had been set up as some sort of makeshift bar, Lieutenant Hawkeye had made a beeline for wherever Mustang was headed in order to keep him under strict control, Breda had seated himself comfortably at a table where a few aristocratic-looking men were playing poker, and Fuery and Falman had apparently disappeared, commoners dissolved into the crowd of upper-class women and men.
Havoc and Mustang downed their glasses of vodka in synch, and Hawkeye made a violent stab at the large, artificial cherry at the bottom of her cocktail with a toothpick. The colonel gestured to whichever one of Armstrong's extended family was serving at the bar, and the short, blonde man refilled his glass. It was growing dark out, and most people were retreating to either the dance floor or the bar.
"… Why did I come back here?" Havoc asked suddenly, nodding slowly in thanks as his own glass was also given another shot.
"You obviously want to make Falman another twenty thousand cenz richer," Mustang smirked.
"But I haven't even seen her…" Havoc mumbled, ignoring Roy's sarcasm.
"That doesn't surprise me, considering how many relatives of Major Armstrong as here," Hawkeye commented, finally skewering the cherry. "And frankly, I can't help but see the resemblance. Maybe you're not looking hard enough?"
"Oh…" Jean groaned mournfully, "Katherine was the most beautiful of all of them. The way she lit up the room when she entered it... the sweet smell of her hair, the softness of her skin… the tender curve of her breasts…"
"You only met her once, and you're talking like it was the most fulfilling relationship you've ever had with a woman… wait, don't answer that; you'll end up humiliating yourself," Roy commented as Havoc started to speak over the top of him.
"They wrote stories of her beauty, she was like a goddess..." Havoc continued to mumble. At this point, Hawkeye figured it was a good time to prise the glass of Vodka from Havoc's hand.
"I think you've had a little too much to drink, Lieutenant," Riza remarked, pushing the half-empty glass towards Mustang.
"Aww…" Roy whined, gesturing so violently that half of the vodka in his glass splashed out onto the bar top. "Let him keep drinking, Hawkeye. It's funny to hear him like this."
"You're not being very responsible, Colonel…" she began to retort, but she was stopped when Havoc suddenly threw his arm out, knocking his glass off the counter and letting it chip as it hit his barstool on its way to the grass below his feet.
"Aah… excuse me for interrupting…" a small, blonde woman was standing next to Havoc, and the Lieutenant was quickly turning a bizarre shade of blue.
"No, not at all," Hawkeye replied, pointedly ignoring the stunned look on Mustang's face. "Is anything wrong?"
"I'm Katherine Elle Armstrong… and I was just wondering if I could have a quick word to Mr. Havoc?"
As quick as a flash, Roy was on his feet and offering his hand to Katherine.
"Hello, Miss Armstrong… I'm Colonel Roy Mustang, I'm sure you've heard of me from your older brother?"
"Yes I have, Sir. My brother says you're a fine man..." Katherine's face coloured slightly as Roy kissed her hand, while both Hawkeye and Havoc looked on angrily. Hawkeye recovered first, and grabbed the back of Roy's collar.
"I think you've had quite enough to drink for today, Sir. Perhaps it's time for you to call it a day?" Before Mustang could answer, Riza was directing him away from Katherine so violently he was sure she was about to break his neck. Havoc grinned sheepishly and turned back to Katherine, who was looking timidly at her feet.
"What was it that you wanted to speak to me about, Katherine?"
"Oh, Mr. Havoc…" she mumbled, her face quickly turning cherry red, "I think I've found the man of my dreams."
"The man of her dreams? Why did she come to me? Is it possible that she really does return my feelings!" Havoc quickly calculated mentally, before his face broke out into a broad grin. "I see…"
"I would be honoured if you would come with me for just a moment, Mr. Havoc…" Katherine's voice was barely a whisper, but she offered her hand to him in order to help him up. Havoc accepted, and she led him out into the gardens, with Havoc trailing happily behind. He passed by Breda, who had now accumulated a large amount of betting chips in the poker game. Breda gave Havoc the thumbs up, and he returned it weakly. He passed By Falman, who was apparently talking to another of Armstrong's sisters with a rather keen look on his face. He passed Mustang, who's face was contorted between nausea and happiness, and Hawkeye, who rolled her eyes and continued to rub Roy's back. Havoc gave her a questioning look and she made a 'drinking' gesture back. He didn't bother questioning the look on his superior's face, considering what part of Hawkeye's body he was eye-level to.
Finally, Katherine stopped near one of the many large water fountains on the estate. Havoc gulped down a lungful of air as she turned to face him, her eyes glimmering in the moonlight.
"I'm so glad you came, Mr. Havoc."
"Not at all, Katherine. What is it that you wanted to say?"
"Oh, Mr. Havoc!" Katherine grabbed both Jean's hands in hers, and grinned broadly. "The man I've found… he's so wonderful! He's charming, friendly, funny, handsome, strong, brave… oh, he's just fantastic!"
"I'm glad for you, Katherine," Havoc smiled, trying to ignore the nervous twisting in his stomach. "But I have just one question to ask... what is his name?"
Katherine blushed, letting go of his hands and placing them instead on her cheeks. "His name…"
"Yes?" Havoc urged.
"His name is… Kain Fuery."
Havoc's jaw dropped in utter disbelief; he felt like someone has stabbed a huge pin directly into his side and deflated his ego. As if on key, Fuery rounded one of the topiaries that surrounded the fountain and smiled.
"Katherine! I was looking everywhere for you… the music just started up, and I was wondering if you would like to dance with me?"
"Ooh, Kain… I would be delighted," Katherine said, linking her arm with Kain's, their faces glowing equal shades of red. "Thank you so much for hearing my secret, Mr. Havoc. I feel so relieved now that someone else finally knows…" And with that, Katherine was whisked away by Sergeant Fuery.
About five minutes later, Havoc began stumbling back to the main garden where the party was being held. He saw Breda happily counting his winnings while the other poker player looked on forlornly, he passed Falman, who was now sporting a lage purple bruise on his cheek, and he even managed a smile when Mustang made an attempt to lean closer to Hawkeye's chest, and she held him off, muttering something that sounded strangely like "Not now".
Havoc sat back down at the bar, calling for a shot of tequila, and lighting himself a cigarette.
"Well… at least I can say I have my health," Havoc sighed, downing the alcohol in one gulp, and taking a long drag from the cigarette. "And what can I say... just wait until he has to meet her parents."
The EndWhoa. That was crack. XD Hope you enjoyed it.