Title from the song by Apocalyptica (and Metallica, naturally). The lyrics fit these two well, don't you think?
Much love to Belle, and thank you so much to everybody who takes the time to read these things. Having your support honestly means the world to me.
Disclaimer: dood, fanfiction. Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy, and the characters and universes therein are the property of Disney and Square Enix. I receive no remuneration for this work; it is a parody and as such utilizes the Fair Use clause of the Copyright Act.
The blond turns away and bows his head. "Don't," he says softly.
Leon shifts his weight to one foot, disquiet growing in the pit of his stomach. He shakes his head a little to flick dripping bangs out from before his eyes, and quietly studies his rain-drenched lover. Cloud's stance is strong, legs spread slightly for balance and back straight and proud...but his shoulders are tight with stress, and his arms are folded stiffly high across his chest—not in defiance, but in defense. He frowns. Cloud's not obviously injured...not physically, at least...but the way he's avoiding Leon's gaze and the way he's protecting his chest—subconsciously guarding his heart—makes the knot in the brunet's stomach twist a little tighter.
He doesn't want to be the reason for Cloud's distress, but if he is...he will find a way to make himself strong enough to do the right thing, no matter the cost to himself. He will not be the cause of suffering of someone he cares so deeply for.
...But if he's not...
He sighs, and despite Cloud's warning, he moves closer again, curling his hand into a loose fist and pressing his leather-covered knuckles against the small of Cloud's back in a gesture that genuinely wants to provide comfort but isn't really sure how to go about doing so. He feels the slight arch when Cloud stiffens at his touch, but the swordsman doesn't pull away again, and Leon presses a little harder in reassurance, rubbing his knuckles into the sodden knit fabric of Cloud's shirt.
If he's not the problem, he wants to be there for Cloud to help him through whatever is.
After a moment, Cloud sighs deeply, and to Leon's relief, some of the tension in his body leaves with the breath he expels. Mako-blue irises lift once more to the heavy storm clouds above them, and Leon follows his gaze briefly, until the irritation of raindrops stinging in his eyes prompts him to resume his silent assessment of the man beside him.
Cloud's spiky hair is a darker shade of blond from all the water, drooping a little with the added weight, though somehow it still manages to hold its natural shape. It's something that amazes Leon, has ever since he saw Cloud emerging from the shower after the first time they'd...
At the memory, his fingers suddenly itch to rake through the damp golden hair, wanting to do something more to reaffirm the physical bond they share, but subconsciously he knows it wouldn't be well-received, so he stays the urge and moves on.
His gaze trails next over Cloud's face, over features still youthful despite the burdens he carries, and somehow still so innocent despite the paths he knows the other warrior to have tread. There are so many details Leon doesn't know, so many things about Cloud that frustrate and intrigue him, but the fact that he has such a damaged past isn't something Cloud is able to easily hide. His eyes reveal so much more than he realizes.
Leon is startled out of his musings by a track of moisture sliding down a pale cheek, one that's not quite keeping pace with the rest of the cool drops that hit their faces. The source isn't the weeping clouds above them; it's their human counterpart who sheds the tear, and Leon immediately reaches to turn Cloud's face towards him, concern and confusion showing clear in his expression.
A sad little smile tries to curve one side of Cloud's mouth, and fails. He closes his eyes and sighs, pulling gently away from Leon's grasp and tilting his face into the rain again.
"It was raining that day, too," he murmurs eventually. "The day he died..."
Leon listens in stunned silence, unmoving. Cloud has never been forthcoming about his history...but to be fair about it, neither has he. He's not going to interrupt, not now that the blond actually wants to talk, and especially not when he wants to talk about something that's clearly had such a strong effect on him.
"It was like this," he says. "Just like this. The sky was the same and the rain felt the same, and—"
The rambling suddenly chokes off, and Leon watches Cloud's pale throat work as he tries to swallow. His own throat tightens in response to the pain etching onto the blond's rain-streaked face, and he's just begun to reach out to him when Cloud finally continues.
"He died...because of me, because he wouldn't leave me behind," he whispers, strain and remorse coloring his words. "He changed my life. He...saved my life...so many times, and I couldn't even thank him for it. I—I didn't ever get a chance to tell him—"
"You loved him," Leon finishes for him, almost a question, almost a confirmation. His heart aches at the hollow silence that follows, churning with bitter and undeserving emotions at the idea of the one he loves being so obviously and deeply devoted to someone else. But who is he to be jealous of a ghost, especially when his own history is not so far from Cloud's? He folds his arms over his chest and lowers his gaze to stare at the ground, feeling conflict and uncertainty wash over him like the rain as their dialogue, with all its implications, sinks in further.
Several moments pass in the same heavy silence before the slick shuffle of boots on wet rock brings his attention back to the man who now faces him.
"I don't want to make the same mistake again," Cloud says, quiet determination in his voice and in his eyes. "You're changing my life, too."
Leon's eyes widen slightly at the frank and unexpected admission, and he searches deeply into that solemn blue gaze, looking for...what, he doesn't know. There's so much suffering held deep inside, precious and haunting memories that will never be replaced—that he doesn't ever want to replace, because good or bad, they've shaped Cloud into the man he is today—but there's also hope, however understated, and it's that hope that Leon will hold on to.
On impulse he reaches to graze Cloud's jaw with the backs of his fingers, wet leather on wet skin, to smooth away some of the tension held there. He wants to lean in and kiss Cloud because he doesn't think he can trust his voice to speak just yet...so he simply does, allowing instinct to further guide his actions because that's the way he works best, and the way they work best together.
There's no resistance from the younger man, nothing but a cold hand braced on the front of his soaking shirt to keep them from falling into each other completely, and the way their mouths come together is almost needy, both of them craving reassurance from the only source they trust to give it. The kiss tastes of rain and raw emotion, sweet and pained at the same time, and it lasts only a few moments before Leon has to break away, both for the lack of air and the sudden need of answers to questions he's not been motivated to ask before now. He doesn't like to express his insecurities, but he can't let this conversation end without knowing...
"Does this make you happy?" he breathes, drawing back enough that he can look his lover in the eye.
Cloud holds his gaze and tightens his fingers into the saturated cotton over Leon's chest, nodding slowly.
Leon sighs and nods a little in acknowledgement. "If I were him...that's all I'd want to know," he offers softly. "That you're happy. And..." Here he pauses, struggling to keep his apprehension at bay. He searches Cloud's vibrant eyes again, appreciating their blue and green hues all the more for not succumbing to the dull shade of the storm they reflect. "...Being with me...do you regret it?"
A faintly pained furrow of blond brows and a slow shake of damp, straw-colored spikes, just as earnest, and still their gazes never break.
In a voice that's almost lost to the echo of the falling rain, Leon murmurs, "That's all I want to know..."
Thick blond lashes begin to lower, obscuring Cloud's eyes from view, and the hand on Leon's chest slides further up to tangle tightly into Griever's chain. Whether it's a gesture of possession or desperation, Leon doesn't know. A few heartbeats later, Cloud looks up again, tugging on the cold metal links and sending a chill down Leon's spine, as much from the pressure on his neck as the look in his eyes.
"What about you?" Cloud begins. "Are you..."
"More than you know," Leon assures quietly, settling one hand on his lover's waist and stroking his thumb up and down briefly. A bright flash of lightning catches his eye, and he follows its path through the sky and waits until the threatening rumble it precedes dies down before admitting, "More than I was prepared for..."
"...You don't—"
Leon shakes his head minutely before Cloud can even get the rest of the question out. No, he doesn't regret anything. Maybe he did at one point, back when he had so little trust in himself that any relationship he took part in could ever come so far...but not anymore.
They lapse into a less tenuous silence after that, and soon, Cloud brings his other arm up to hook around Leon's waist, pulling him in a little closer. He doesn't seem to want to leave this place just yet, and Leon can't really bring himself to mind. It's not as if they'll get any more drenched than they already are, and it's not an uncomfortably cold rain, anyway.
So for now, this is enough—the thunder and the rain and the memories and the renewed solidarity. There's no need to say or do anything further, and no pressure on either of them to hide what they have and what they are from the rest of the world, not out here on this darkened, empty plain where only the storm shares in their secrets.
Leon returns the embrace and presses a kiss to Cloud's temple, then takes a moment to breathe in the clean, wet scent of the air and direct his gaze at the misty gray horizon. Until Cloud is ready to move on, he is content to stand by his side.