Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of it's characters or the song "Thinkin of You" by Katy Perry

A/N: This is an AU Edward/Bella fic; if you don't like, don't read. Rated T for sexual innuendo. Reviews welcomed but no flames please! :) Enjoy!

'Cuz when I'm with him

I am thinking of you

Thinking of you

What you would do if

You were the one who was

Spending the night

I wish that I

Was looking into your eyes

I was standing at the kitchen sink staring out the window. I wasn't really seeing the courtyard between the rows of apartments. I wasn't really paying attention to the plate I was supposed to be washing. I was thinking of you. As always. I hadn't stopped thinking about you since you'd left. Since I'd let you go. Every moment since then had been filled with heart-wrenching pain and regret. But what else could I have done? You had to leave for your job. Who was I to hold you back from what you loved? Long distance relationships never worked, and we both knew that. I'd accepted it. So why couldn't I let you go?

My heart nearly jumped out of my chest when I felt a pair of arms wrap around me. I half-hoped they would be yours until his voice whispered in my ear.

"Hey, babe. How was your day?"

Oh how I wished it was your arms around me, your voice whispering softly to me.

"Good," I was proud that my voice didn't betray my lie. "Yours?"

He was so closely wrapped around me that I moved with him when he shrugged. "It was fine," he leaned down to press a kiss to the side of my neck, "it's a lot better now."

I forced a reluctant smile onto my face. It seemed like it got harder every time. As his kisses traveled lower I wriggled out of his arms. "Dinner's almost ready."

"Aw, come on, Bells," be whined playfully, catching my arm and pulling me to him again. I turned my head away as he aimed for my lips. I couldn't do it then. I couldn't pretend to be happy. Why, oh why did I have to see Esme that day? It always made things so much harder when I saw one of your family members.

I pushed him away, trying not to be too harsh. "Jake, I don't feel very well," he opened his mouth, no doubt to make a suggestive comeback, so I quickly added, "I think I'm getting my period."

His face fell a bit, but his stopped his advances, his arms loosening their hold on my waist slightly. "Oh…well, nothing we can do then, huh? Sorry babe, if I'd known…"

"It's fine. It's not your fault," he was so sweet. Why couldn't I fall in love whit him? He was so amazing. What was wrong with me that I couldn't appreciate him?

I knew why. He wasn't you. How could I ever love anyone else when I already knew you were perfect for me? You were the only one for me. But you didn't want me anymore. I had to try to move on. I wasn't going to be one of those pathetic women who let their lives end with their relationships.

"You want a foot rub before bed tonight?"

Oh god, how could I keep doing this to him? I forced another smile. "I'm fine, honey, but thanks." I braced myself before pecking him lightly on the cheek. "Help me set the table?"

He gave me a beaming smile. "No problem, hon."

As Jacob turned to pull plates from the cupboards I sighed and returned to the stove. I guess it would just be another night of wishing I was going to bed with you. That your arms were wrapped around me. That I was looking into your eyes. Those beautiful, sparkling, green eyes that would forever haunt my dreams.

~*~*~*~*~*~

He kissed my lips

I taste your mouth

He pulled me in

I was disgusted with myself

How much longer could I keep doing this? It wasn't just hurting me anymore. The longer I let this go on, the ore Jacob would be hurt when I ended. And it would end. I'd warned him from the beginning that I might not be able to love him, but he convinced me to try anyway. I knew even then that I should have said no, that I should have at least waited to see if I could get over you before starting another relationship. Now, it'd been nearly a year since I'd let you go and six months since I'd agreed to give things a try with Jacob. I knew I had to get out of it before I made it even worse. I was just so afraid of hurting him the way you'd hurt m. No one should have to feel the way I had.

This was it. I had to end it. Tonight. As soon as he go home. Why prolong the torture for both of us? It would hurt either way, but at least this way it could be a lot worse. I'd never be able to love him the way I loved you. The way I still loved you. He'd never be anymore than a brother to me, no matter how much we both tried to pretend otherwise. I couldn't do it anymore. I hated the person I was when I was with him. I didn't want to be the manipulative bitch that only stays with a guy because she doesn't want to be lonely. I couldn't—wouldn't—let myself.

I though back to the night before. He'd known something was wrong the second I'd frozen in his arms. I think he'd known all along something was wrong with us, but that night it'd been particularly obvious.

I'd just gotten out of the shower and entered our bedroom, still toweling my hair. Suddenly he was in front of me. I knew exactly what he was after when he'd pulled the towel from my hands, dropping it to the floor before wrapping his arms around my waist. He dropped his head to my barely covered shoulder, slowly trailing kisses up to my neck. I fought the urge to push him away. I'd just used the period excuse and I knew it'd hurt his feelings if I did it again. I forced myself not to turn away as his mouth traveled up my jaw and towards my lips.

The minute our lips met I had to grab his arms to keep myself standing. I couldn't stop the whimper that escaped my mouth as images of you flooded my mind. I could practically taste your breath on my tongue and feel your strong yet still gentle hands pulling at the thin material of my tank top. When he pulled me closer to him, I saw your face in my mind and couldn't suppress my shudder.

Needless to say, things hadn't gone much further.

Now as I sat curled up on the couch waiting for him to come home, more images of you forced their way to the surface of my brain. I'd fought them back for so long that I didn't seem to have the strength to struggle anymore. I could see and feel everything I'd tried to suppress for the last year and a half. Your lips on my skin. Every line of your body pressed against mine. Your face above me as we made love. Your soft voice whispering in my ear.

I was so lost in memories that I actually jumped when the door opened. I snapped my eyes open in time to see him close the door, shrugging off his jacket. I took a deep breath as I watched him kick off his shoes. It was time.

"Hey, Bells, how was your day?" he asked, traipsing over to the couch and pulling me in for a kiss. I backed away and tried not to grimace as his face fell.

"Look, Jake, about last night…"

"It's fine, babe. You weren't feeling well. It's over. Let's just move one." He leaned in again, but I grabbed his hands to stop him. I couldn't keep just trying to move on anymore. I would never work for us. "What's wrong?" he asked worriedly as I averted my eyes from his face. I heaved a sigh, preparing to take the leap I knew was necessary if either of us were going to have a chance at happiness.

"Jake, we need to talk."

~*~*~*~*~*~

Oh won't you walk through

And bust in the door

And take me away

No more mistakes

'Cuz in your arms

I'd like to stay

Almost five more months had gone by. Jake hadn't been happy, but he'd understood. He'd moved out soon after, and I was finally starting to feel like a better person. We still kept in contact and hung out sometimes after the post-breakup awkwardness had worn off. No more lies or hidden tears. Just me. I'd forgotten how nice being single could be if you just stopped obsessing over it. I was only twenty-seven, had a stable job and a roof over my head, and was surrounded by supportive friends. What else did I need?

As hard as I tried, I couldn't always stop that nagging voice in the back of my head from reminding me: you. In spite of everything that had happened I still loved you. Still wanted you with every fiber of my being. I tried not to think about it, but when doing something as mundane as cleaning, my mind tended to wander.

I pushed those dangerous thoughts away as I shoved my reclining chair back where it belonged. Maybe not that I was done cleaning I could fill my head with more productive thoughts. I was giving myself a mental pat on the back when a knock came at my door. I opened it and froze. There you were in all your god-like glory. Your messy bronze hair hung perfectly over your forehead as always, just the right amount in front of your shining emerald eyes. Then you opened your mouthy to speak, and I almost melted.

"Bella," you spoke softly, almost pleadingly.

I blinked a couple of times in surprise before finally saying the name I'd forbidden myself to even think for the last year and a half. "Edward," I gasped. "What are you doing here?"

Your lips twitched slightly, revealing a trace of that gorgeous crooked grin. You looked to your feet before running your hands through your hair as you always did when you were nervous. "Well, I was just in town and I thought…well I wanted…" you broke off, groaning and shaking your head. "Dammit, I told myself I'd do this right."

"Do what?" I asked confused.

You sighed before peering at me through your long eyelashes. "Can I come in?" you inquired almost timidly. How could I resist that face? I let you in, offering you a drink as I led you to the couch. We went through all the tense small talk. How we'd been. What we'd been up to. Our families. And twenty minutes later you were still perched anxiously on the edge of my sofa and hadn't gotten to the point.

"Why are you here, Edward?" I finally asked again. I tried to ignore the way my name tingled at getting to say your name again. It was so wonderful to see you again, but I knew it wouldn't last. You'd be back of to New York in no time. I also knew that it would be almost unbearable when you left again, especially if I prolonged our parting.

You looked surprised before smiling a bit. "You always did know when something was wrong," you admitted ruefully.

"I should have, we went out for five years," I couldn't stop the hard edge that entered my voice at the past tense. "Now spill." I folded my arms defiantly to show you I was serious.

You stared at me for a moment, as if memorizing my face. In the next instant your arms were around me, your face buried in my hair. It took me a second to realize I wasn't hallucinating, but when I did I melted into you immediately, breathing in your scent. It was just as good as I'd remembered it.

"Bella, oh Bella," you murmured over and over, stroking my hair gently. My heart was racing and I could feel my face flushing. When you finally pulled away to look at my face I gasped at the tortured look in your eyes. I cupped your face, automatically trying to calm you. "I've been so stupid," you finally whispered. The pain permeated your voice as well, and I reached out with my other hand to smooth hair away from your face. "I've just been sitting here wasting time when I came to—"

"Came to what?"

You took a deep breath, eyes flitting around the room before settling uneasily on my face. "I'm moving back here. I just got hired at Seattle Grace."

That threw me for a loop. I couldn't understand why you were telling me this, and my confusing made me sharper than usual. "What about your fancy internship in New York?" I snapped, then instantly felt bad when you flinched. "Sorry, that was harsh."

You shook your head. "No, I deserve it," you said bitterly. "What I don't deserve is you. But I'm still here anyway."

I froze. I couldn't believe what I'd just heard. "What?"

You grabbed my hands from your face and squeezed them tightly. The stare you gave me was so intense I would have looked away if your eyes weren't so captivating.

"I've been so stupid," you repeated. "All this time I've been so empty without you but too blinded by pride to do anything about it." You shook your head, laughing harshly. "I came here to beg you to forgive me. Please, Bella, give me a second change. I know I don't deserve it, but I promise I'll never hurt you again as long as I live."

"You still want me?" I breathed disbelievingly.

"How could I not want you, Bella? You were—still are—my entire world." You shook your head again, giving my hands another squeeze. "I was so foolish to believe I could make myself live without you. I love you. I've loved you for as long as I can remember knowing you. I can't believe I ever tried to—"

I'm not exactly sure how, but suddenly my lips were on yours, showing you all the pent up emotions I'd felt over the last two years. You seemed surprised at first, but soon leaned in and crushed me to you with your strong arms. In the next second my hands had tangled in your hair and I'd jumped up to wrap my legs around your waist. I shuddered as your hands traveled sensually up and down my back.

When we finally broke apart we were both gasping. I leaned my head on your shoulder as I caught my breath before whispering, "I love you too. I never stopped. You sighed my name as you buried your face in my hair, inhaling deeply. "Edward," I murmured contentedly. "I missed you so much."

Your arms tightened around me. "I missed you too. My life meant nothing without you. It was like I had nothing to live for anymore."

"I know what you mean. Everything felt empty and meaningless when you weren't here to enjoy it with me." I shuddered as I remembered the many nights I'd longed for you as I slept alone.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I never meant to hurt you like that. What can I do to show you how sorry I am?"

"Shh," I hushed, pecking you on the lips. "It hurt, but you had to do it for your career. And we're together now."

You nodded. "Yes, thank god for that," you agreed before leaning in to press our lips together once more. Our tongues tangled together easily, and you pulled away after a minute with a groan. "How can I want you so much even after all this time?"

I whimpered slightly, bringing your hand up to cup my breast gently. "Take me then," I dared. "I'm right here."

You started to protest. "Bella—"

"You asked how you could make up theses past two years to me. Well here's your answer." I could see you were about to argue again, so I pulled out the one word I knew you could never resist. "Please? I've missed you so much. Please?"

You pulled me back towards you again, surrendering with a growl. The feel of our lips reuniting was the sweetest sensation, and I couldn't stop the needful moan that escaped me. You used the opportunity to intertwine our tongues once more, slowly carrying me to my room. You closed the door with your foot then turned to press me against it, breaking away to stare into my eyes with the same intensity as before.

"No more mistakes," you promised. "I'm here for as long as you want me."

"I'll want you forever," I warned.

"Good," you stated, bringing our lips back together.