"I thought you were hispanic?"
"I am, why?"
Dani starts to hold up a shirt, and before the words are even in Santana's view she knows what it is. It's a t-shirt. Not just any t-shirt, but THE t-shirt. The t-shirt she had hidden away in her closet. The t-shirt she wore the very first time with shame, and then with pride every time after.
Brittany's smile the night she came to bed with it on for the first time is Santana's favorite memory. It's like her mind took a photograph of that moment and stored it in a place where it will never be lost or forgotten. She takes it out during moments that are particularly hard. The old University of Ohio sweatshirt the girl stole from her dad with missing strings and a large coffee stain on the pocket. The exact placement of every lock of hair that was strewn about in a messy bun. The way the happy tears the other girl fought back made her eyes sparkle. How after they made love and talked for hours the t-shirt was placed on top of the other girl's pillow "because I want to dream about my awesome and very brave girlfriend and you can't really control your dreams so I think if I do this it will work." The commercial was airing the next day, and her grandmother had just kicked her out of her life. She didn't really register what the shirt was until she saw that smile, and suddenly everything was okay. It was as if she hadn't just spent the past hour crying until blinking her eyes was exhausting and painful. Somehow that t-shirt, and the girl who made it for her, had turned the worst night of her life into the best.
"Santana?"
"What?"
"You zoned out for a while are you okay?"
"Yeah, sorry, what were we talking about?"
"I asked why you would have a lebanese shirt if you're hispanic. Wait I get it, lebanese, lesbian. Wow, I'm slow. It's cute, can you get me one?"
"It was a gift, sorry."
"Oh, well can I wear it to the gig tonight?"
The thought of anyone else wearing her t-shirt, the t-shirt, makes bile race to Santana's throat.
"No!" She yells out a little too quickly.
Dani eyes the girl cautiously, wondering what she did to upset her so much.
"Alright, I'm sorry."
"No, I'm sorry I didn't mean- it's just a really special shirt."
"Okay."
Dani hands the girl her shirt and doesn't pry for anymore information. If Santana wanted to talk about it she would, and based on the girls reaction she clearly does not want to talk about it.
"I'm gonna go back to my apartment and grab all my stuff and come back and get you in about an hour, okay?"
"Dani, wait."
"Yeah?"
"Where did you find this?"
"I raided your closet to see if there was anything I could wear tonight. It was at the bottom of the pit. I hope you don't mind, I kinda have a thing for wearing my girlfriend's clothes."
The way Santana reacts to the word girlfriend doesn't go unnoticed. It's not bad, just hesitant, like she forgot she had one.
"Oh, did you find anything else? I'm sure there's something in that pile we can fish out for you."
"That's okay, we gotta get moving anyway. I'll see you in an hour."
"Alright, bye."
Dani leaves the apartment with a sense of apprehension. It's okay for her to say girlfriend right? I mean, Santana was the one who used that word first. This whole thing is really confusing for her. It's never been so hard to just talk to someone. Things have been moving at a glacial pace and Dani thought the girl just needed time, but now she's not so sure.
Santana takes the t-shirt and brings it to her room. She feels guilty for the way she just handled things with Dani. It's just a t-shirt, why couldn't she talk about it. She sighs deeply and sets it on her pillow. She knows the answer to that question. It's because, with Brittany, it's never just anything.
Ever since Finn passed away she feels like her life has been in a tailspin. She misses high school and everyone in it, but that part of her life is over. Finn dying has punched that fact right into her gut. She feels the tears start to form at the corners of her eyes and blinks them away.
She knows she loves Brittany, so much. More than she's ever loved anything. But she thinks they've drifted so far apart that they'll never be able to recapture what they once had.
That doesn't mean she can't find what that had with someone else right? Love isn't a finite thing. As much as it enrages her to think about Brittany loved Artie and Sam too.
Even though Brit did say she loved her more than she ever loved anyone after she broke up with wheels. And she sure bounced back quickly from her break-up with monkey butt lips, even cracking jokes about his still growing long hair "He doesn't even wash it, at least Jesus had the excuse of shampoo not being invented yet." That doesn't mean she loved them any less than Santana does it? Maybe her love with those two was just different from theirs.
Look at her and Dani. Santana likes the girl, she really does. And she thinks that in time they could become something special. It's just… hard. She's not used to putting in a lot of effort. Sure, her and Brittany had times when they had to work at their relationship, but with Dani it's a constant thing. And it's weird because they haven't even done anything besides occasionally kiss. She keeps telling herself it's because she wants to take things slow, but if she's being honest it's not that at all. Dani doesn't know how to place her hand on her hip right on that spot that drives her crazy. How she hates having hands tangled in her hair. How she likes to start slowly and build, not dive right in. She knows she's being unreasonable. That Dani would be more than willing to learn those things if Santana would just give her a chance, but she doesn't want to give Dani a chance. She wants easy. She wants effortless. She wants Brittany.
What does this all mean? Is it ever going to get easier? Is this her life now: comparing everything and anyone to Brittany? What happened to their relationship? Since things happened with Dani and Finn there's been no communication. She thought that if they broke up they would still be friends. And yeah it goes both ways, but Brittany's always the first one to reach out. Is not being willing to move on what having a soulmate means? Is it possible for you to not be your soulmate's soulmate?
Santana decides to stop torturing herself. She really isn't up to performing tonight, and she knows Dani, Rachel, Kurt, and Elliot are more than capable of going on without her. She sends everyone a lame text about how some illness suddenly came on.
I hope you feel better soon, we'll be thinking of you 3
- Starchild
awe :( I wanted to try out our new duet. you better get well before sunday because we WILL be doing it then. luv ya
~ Kurt soon to be Anderson
I thought you were acting a little weird. Do you want me to come over? I'll bring some soup and we can have a movie marathon or something.
-D
After her eyes settle from the epic roll they did at Kurt's signature she texts Dani back;
That sounds awesome, but I think I just need some sleep. Don't worry about me, go have fun, one of us should :)
-Satan
Okay, text me if you change your mind, I'll be right over. And satan really :p
-D
Ugh, she's never letting Kurt use her phone ever again.
Rachel doesn't text back and Santana figures she got caught up with something at the damn school with the most annoying acronym ever, or that broadway show she's in, or maybe she's still working, or is she helping Kurt set up for the band? How Jewish Barbie finds time to breath let alone do all that makes zero sense.
She contemplates taking out her laptop, but decides against it. She's had enough of flipping through old pictures and videos. She decides to make the first move. She has to at least try to have the girl in her life in some capacity, because the way they are now is making her miserable.
It isn't until the third ring that she starts to panic. What if she doesn't answer? What if she does answer? What if she's on a date? What if-
"Hello?"
Santana's mouth goes dry. She really didn't think this through.
"Santana?"
"Hey, Brit."
"Hi, did you butt dial me or something?"
"No, I just… I don't know. I really wanted to talk to you, but then realized I don't know what to say. If it's a bad time-"
"Don't go, I'm glad you called."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
An awkward silence falls between the two. Neither knowing how to break the ice. Brittany is the first one to speak up.
"How's the band going?"
"Fine."
"Getting ready for your show tonight?"
"How did you know about that?"
"Rachel makes sure to send out Facebook invites every fifteen minutes. Doesn't she have like 12 full time jobs? I had a hard time just keeping up with school, Glee, and Cheerios, how does she do it?"
"It's Rachel, who the hell knows how that girl manages to do anything."
"I know right? It's starting soon isn't it?"
"Yes, but I'm not going. I took the night off."
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah."
Santana doesn't think the other girl needs to know the reason, so she quickly changes the subject.
"So how's school going Miss Ivy League?"
"It's hard, but I'm managing. I actually have this huge paper due in a couple days."
"Oh well, you should be working on that, I can go."
"No, I needed a break, that's why I'm so glad you called."
"What class is it for?"
"Women's Studies."
"Sounds like my kinda class."
"Now how did I know you were gonna say that?"
As they continue to talk they fall back into a familiar routine and another silence occurs, this one not at all awkward.
"So, how are things with Dani?"
It's the first time Brittany has ever mentioned her and it puzzles Santana. Why does she want to know now?
"Um, pretty good."
"Cool. Well, I should really get back to that paper. Thanks for calling, I missed this."
"I did too, and how bout you call me when you get that paper back and let me know the awesome grade you get."
"I will. Bye San."
"Bye Brit."
Suddenly everything clicks into place. Brittany asking about Dani. Brittany sounding relieved when all she said was "pretty good" and quickly ending the call. She didn't reach out, not because she didn't care, but because of Dani. Santana realizes she isn't the only one who doesn't know where she stands. She lays her head on her t-shirt covered pillow, willing sleep to come. Tomorrow she's going to start trying to figure out how to mend things between the two of them, but not tonight. Tonight she's just going to dream about her.
Hundreds of miles away there's a girl also laying her head down on her pillow. Where hidden underneath is a picture of her favorite person sleeping in her favorite t-shirt.