A/N: Have a Bolin/Asami/Eska(/Desna?) love triangle… square… circle mess thing. I don't know. I'm done with Boleska humorfics now, I swear. If the next episode inspires another plotbunny, I'm going to murder it with a blunt axe before it has the chance to see the light of day. Like really, am I not capable of writing serious fanfiction anymore? I sat down to work on some Kekkaishi and InuYasha fics and ended up with this. I guess that's what sudden new episodes after a year plus of being Korra-deprived will do to me. And also staying up literally all night. That probably had something to do with it as well.

No, I haven't gained the rights to Korra since I last wrote for it.

"Lovers in triangle not on square." (-Confucius)

Bolin took a deep breath and stepped forward, willing himself to be confident. Which was much harder than it sounded, knowing what he was about to do was the first step in the wildest and most dangerous stunt he'd ever attempted. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and by now he was nothing if not desperate. His heart hammered in his ribcage like a drum. Why was it that it was easier to face a cheering (or booing, depending on the situation) crowd of tens of thousands of pro-bending fans than it was to face a single girl?

"Asamiiiiii!" Bolin called as he strode over to her. She glanced up from the paper in which she seemed to be totally absorbed, obviously sparing him only a fraction of her attention. That was good. Distractions were good. He reminded himself to act as casual as possible. "Nice weather we're having today, isn't it? It's very… cold. And… snowy. Again."

"Mmhmm," she agreed noncommittally, looking down again at the piece of paper in her hand. "Do you need something?"

He kicked nervously at the ground. "Need something? Pfff! No, of course not! Can't a friend just come to chat every once in a while?"

This, more than anything, seemed to catch her attention, reverse psychology in all its unintended effect. She put the paper down with a sigh. "Bolin, you're acting strange. What do you want?"

He'd been trying to play it cool, but now that the raccoon-cat was out of the bag, there was no use denying it; he'd have to get to the point sooner or later. So Bolin dropped all pretenses and blurted out, "Will you be my girlfriend?"

Damn it. Five words in and he already needed a redo. This was why Bolin's mouth got him in such trouble all the time! His eyes widened to twice their normal size as he continued. "OH! I mean, not - you know - not my girlfriend girlfriend. Because we're just friends, right? So not my real girlfriend, just, you know, my 'girlfriend.'" He punctuated the last word with air quotes and looked up at her hopefully, apparently deciding he had offered a sufficient explanation.

Asami, who had listened with growing concern to each rambling word, blinked in incomprehension. "Bolin, what in the world are you talking about?"

"Eska!" Bolin cried, as if her name alone would clear up everything. "She won't quit blood-sucking!"

Asami took a deep breath and put her hand rather gingerly on his shoulder. "Bolin, please explain. From the beginning this time."

This wasn't turning out to be quite as easy as he'd hoped it would be. "Eska wants me to go back to the North Pole with her to live in icy bliss. But I don't want to because Mako says she's a leech. So I need you to pretend to be my girlfriend so that I can get rid of her."

Well this, at least, made marginally more sense, though she was still very unclear on the details. She suspected she'd remain that way even if she asked again. Asami pursed her lips. "Can't you just… you know, tell her it's not working out?" she suggested. "You shouldn't have to resort to deception."

"I've tried breaking up with her. She's not very receptive to the idea."

"Breakups don't have to be mutual," Asami pointed out. "Actually, they're usually not. Just tell her it's over and quit hanging around with her. There's no need to bring me into this."

Bolin shook his head. "You don't understand, Asami. She won't take a hint. Even a really big one, like 'I really like you, but I think we ought to stay friends. It's not you, it's me.' That's a classic breakup line, right? But when I said it to her, she gave me this creepy laugh and then got really serious all of a sudden and threatened to freeze me in a block of ice and feed me to dolphin-piranhas if I ever said it again!"

Hmm. She'd heard of clingy girlfriends, but this was pretty bad. Still, though. "I'm sorry, Bolin. That sucks for you, but I just don't have the time to be meddling in someone else's love life right now. And besides, relationship problems should really stay between two people."

Well shit. Of all the times for her to pull the my-love-life-hasn't-exactly-been-perfect-either-yo u-know card. Rather than arguing with her, which would be pretty insensitive since his own brother had been involved, Bolin shifted to a new tactic, one that he really hadn't wanted to use. He had promised himself he'd keep it only as a last resort, but her outright dismissal proved that she clearly needed a more self-serving reason to help him. "Well then… do you care at all that you're about to lose your 'natural' assistant, the one who got you on board with Varrick?"

Asami's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Did you just threaten me, Bolin?"

Life just loved throwing knockout blasts at him, didn't it? Bolin had spent his entire adolescent life believing he was pretty good at dealing with girls. Now it suddenly seemed he couldn't do anything right around any of them.

"Uh, no, no!" the earthbender backtracked, panicked by the murderous vibe now radiating in excess from the beautiful, angry girl in front of him. It was unfair, really, that he felt the need to cower in front of every female he interacted with these days. "Don't be silly, Asami. I would never threaten you. Never. Because you get really scary when you're angry. Ah - um! But scary in a good way! I mean, uhh - look, all I meant was that Eska is going to drag me away and you'll never see me again unless you help me do something about it. It just came out wrong. Honest."

The explanation seemed to mostly pacify Asami, who huffed warily. "Bolin, look. I know you're in a tight spot, and as much as I'd love to help you out, I really can't afford to have Future Industries' new partner hearing rumors that I'm fooling around with my assistant. It would make me look very unprofessional."

"B-but Asami… you're the only other single girl I know! And I have to get rid of Eska before she drags me with her to the North Pole and makes me be her slave for the rest of my life! I don't know how to live in icy bliss! So please help me? Pretty pretty please with sugar on top?"

"Oh my God, Bolin, no. Don't you dare start crying on me."

"But Asami -"

"I said no, Bolin!" Her voice was rising in both volume and tone, and tears were now swimming pitifully in his eyes, and it was obvious to both of them that their mutual hysteria meant a conclusion would be reached very soon. It was only a matter of who would back down first.

Asami heaved a sigh of defeat as the first tear rolled down his cheek. Really, she would have to be heartless to say no to this. "Okay," she agreed quietly. "One time only. And we tell no one else."

Bolin lunged at her and crushed her in the biggest bear hug she'd ever received, loquaciously pronouncing his gratitude with words that became muffled as his mouth pressed into her hair. Her heart leapt quite unexpectedly, and with a shy smile she closed her eyes and hugged him back.

The hand-holding felt surprisingly natural, even through gloved fingers. Was this how Mako had felt when he'd dated her?

Bolin cleared his throat and silently chided himself for thinking such thoughts. This was all an act, he reminded himself. One time only, and they told no one else. Those were the conditions. And they were very generous conditions, too. He needed to not screw this up by thinking weird things. He turned his thoughts instead to coming up with ways to repay Asami. He could try his hand at baking, maybe. Make her a cake. He was probably no good at baking, but he'd never know until he tried, right? Maybe he'd make a chocolate cake. Or a spice cake.

Two dark heads appeared in the distance, driving all thoughts of sweets from his mind, and Bolin gave Asami's hand a quick squeeze. "Okay, here we go," he said unnecessarily as he guided her forward. "Act like you like me."

"I do like you."

"No, but act like you like like me. You don't like like me, do you? Or do you? W - of course you don't! That's a silly thought. But just, you know, act like you do." He noticed her raised eyebrow. "What? Am I rambling again?"

The twins were now within earshot, so Asami gave no verbal reply. Instead she turned toward them sweetly, and Bolin focused his attention on the waterbenders as if he'd only just realized they were there. "Oh hey, Eska, Desna. Fancy meeting you guys here!"

Neither twin wasted any time on a proper greeting. Eska's eyes flitted to Bolin and Asami's joined hands, and she looked back up at Bolin unblinkingly. "Do your hands lack warmth?"

"Lack…? Oh. No. We were just, uh, we're holding hands because that's what couples do, you know? Oh yeah! Eska, I totally forgot to mention to you earlier - I'm sorry, but Asami and I are, like, a thing."

He'd said it much sooner and much more abruptly and much less eloquently than he'd meant to, but really, waiting any longer would only have prolonged the awkwardness. It was good that it was out in the open. Bolin waited for a response, but Eska simply stood like a statue next to her equally dispassionate brother. He wasn't quite sure how to follow up his declaration, so he smiled timidly and stepped closer to Asami, swinging their joined hands to prove his point.

"An object whose name is not known or stated?"

"Uh… what?"

"Does 'thing' possess an alternate definition of which I am unaware?"

"Ohhh, that. A 'thing,' you know? It's another way to say we're, like, going out. Dating. Together. An item." Eska still didn't respond, even though he had already ticked off four synonyms on his free hand. He was starting to run out of ideas. And fingers. "Uhh… lovers? Boyfriend and girlfriend? Help me out, Asami! I- Oh, no, wait, I got it! Heart-benders. That's a new one, I just heard it the other day. You get it? Heart-bending?"

Bolin continued babbling nervously. He was certainly no stranger to breaking up tension, although it was a much easier task when he was not also shouldering an extra three people's share. Why was no one else saying anything? He glanced casually at Eska, and somehow Bolin knew this to be her mad face, even though it looked the same as her happy face and her sad face and her confused face and her fun face, if she had such things. Eska cut him off right as he was about to launch into a literal explanation of heart-bending. "You are implying that you are more than friends with this female?" she asked suspiciously, eyes darting to Asami.

"Way more than friends," Bolin proclaimed, his relief that she had finally caught on momentarily outweighing the cautious part of his brain telling him to not overdo things. "Friends with benefits."

His own words reached his ears at the same time they reached everyone else's, and it wasn't until then that he realized what he had just implied. Not for the first time and probably not for the last, Bolin cursed himself for not having a filter between his brain and his mouth. Why hadn't he inherited the ability-to-think-before-you-talk gene like Mako had? He also possessed no control over his facial expressions, which coursed through confusion, shock, panic, and fear all in the space of a second before stabilizing on embarrassment. Bolin swallowed. It was a nervous gesture, and Eska would probably know it for what it was. But it was better than throwing up, which was kind of what he felt like doing. He willed himself to die of a heart attack. "A-aah-uhhhm, no! I didn't mean it like that! We haven't - we haven't done anything, you know, bad, if that's what you're thinking! We haven't even kissed! We're not- I mean, wait, uh, of course we've kissed - like, duh, she's my girlfriend -"

Bolin looked nervously over at Asami, who seemed to be trying to spread her one hand that wasn't in a death grip with Bolin's over as much surface area of her face as possible. The little of her skin that he could see was the approximate color of a turnip-beet. And with this girl, there was no doubt in his mind: That was definitely her mad face.

This was not the way Bolin had planned for the encounter to go. Pretty much the polar opposite, in fact. He had expected a nice clean break from Eska once she understood that he was in love with another, because even blood-sucking leeches had a heart, right? Of course it was only hypothetical love, because he was definitely not in love with Asami. Not at all. He'd never even thought about them being together, not even one time. Of course not, because she was Asami and he was Bolin and they were just friends and that's all they would ever be, right? But Eska wouldn't know that, and she would give him his happiness back, and they would part ways (preferably permanently) and everything would be wonderful again. And then he might think - only one time, of course - about him being with Asami. Because she was really pretty and had hugged him and had helped him to not be destined for eternal icy bliss with Eska and her tag-along brother. But this was all, he realized, part of a delusional fantasy because life would just not stop with the knockout blasts. Instead of a picture-perfect breakup of which Mako would be proud, here he was stuck trying to un-convince Eska that he and Asami were sleeping together. Or maybe he should have just left it at that. He honestly didn't know at this point which implication was worse.

"Uhhh, so yeah, Eska, Asami and I have to - to go and, uh, do things." Bolin's face reddened. Again. "Not those things! Definitely not those -"

"Bolin!" Asami cut him off in a voice that held much more force than usual, bringing to mind a volcano about to erupt. He realized uneasily that this was the first time she'd spoken during the entire encounter.

Yeah, he was in deep shit.

He could tell not by Eska's expression but by the way she had turned to face Asami that the waterbender was mulling something over. Sure enough: "I am still uncertain about the nature of your relationship with this female, Bolin. However, my brother is in need of a suitable woman. You, Sato Asami, will be my brother's girlfriend."

Asami's eyes widened and her face drained of its lingering unnatural color. Bolin came very close to fainting. "P-pardon?" Asami asked timidly, as if she couldn't quite believe her ears.

"You are attractive, if not amusing," Desna agreed. "You will make an adequate bride."

"Bride?" Then, offended, "adequate?!"

Asami's face decided it needed all the blood back, and watching her as her temper steadily rose and she struggled to find the right words to speak, the volcano metaphor made more sense than ever. Maybe the cake should be a lava cake? "You two are intolerable!" Asami shouted, pointing menacingly at the twins to punctuate her words. Neither showed any signs of remorse. Or of anything, really. "I'm sorry, Bolin, you're on your own."

She tried to take back her hand, but Bolin's grip tightened to the point it was almost painful. "Bolin, what-"

"You're right, Asami! We should be heading back. Yes, it's time to go now." He took a tentative step backwards and pulled at her wrist desperately. He was surprised he could even move, that the fear had not yet paralyzed him. He felt lightheaded.

Asami gave him one long, hard look, and he thought for sure he was done for, but to his surprise the nonbender began walking away from the twins. He went with her willingly. After about ten steps he slackened his bone-crushing grip on her hand, and Asami seized the opportunity, breaking free of his grasp with an impressive tug and running full-force away from the three benders. Bolin briefly considered earthbending a wall to block her passage but just as quickly dismissed the idea. No, that would be cruel. Though deserting him was pretty cruel, too.

Bolin took one last look at the twins and decided to make a run for it too. It wasn't fair that he was the only one waterbent back, even though Asami had also been claimed. Damn it. Why couldn't the less possessive one have fallen for him? Even if the less possessive one was, well, a guy? "Look, Eska, thanks for everything, but I really need to get back to my girlfriend," Bolin tried desperately.

"She is standing directly opposite you, is she not?"

Bolin swallowed. On second thought, maybe that earth wall wasn't such a bad idea. But then again, dragging Asami down with him would at this point do little good for either of them. Save yourself, he thought as he turned back toward his girlfriend. The real one.

"Yes, of course she is," Bolin assured Eska with a smile about as genuine as Shady Shin's business deals. Grudgingly he admitted to himself that Asami may have been right all along, that he needed to work out his relationship problems without bringing other people into it. But damned if he didn't have a single clue as to how to do so. Maybe he'd ask Tenzin. Hadn't the guy dumped none other than the chief of police at one point? Surely he'd have some solid pointers as to how to break up with a scary chick without getting killed. Because he really wasn't in the mood to be fed to dolphin-pirahnas.

But one thing was for certain; Asami was definitely not getting a cake out of him. Even a lava cake.

A/N: I wanted this to be able to fit in with the storyline, which is why I didn't take the Desna/Asami thing any further. Also, this one is a little more kid-friendly than the last, so hopefully I achieved a more canon-like feel. I leave the location of both exchanges up to your imaginations. Anyway, let me know your thoughts, whether they're good, bad, or in between!