Their Story
She doesn't like being back at McKinley. It kind of sucks all round. She wonders briefly if this is what returning home after some natural disaster or military invasion is like; sad memories and pain, and the knowledge that nothing will ever be the same.
But the she stops her self because Finn is just a boy, and she's just a girl and they aren't together anymore and she did break up with him and it was her fault but still. It's Finn. How can she not care? Like really. Her not caring about Finn is, like, impossible and it's never going to happen so whatever.
"You're having one of those moments aren't you?" Kurt asks as they stand near his old locker.
"What moment?"
"One of those moments where you're having this internal monologue because you like to think that someone, somewhere is listening to what you want to say rather then what you do." He explains it as though he knows the feeling and considering they're basically the same person, it's probably not that hard to deduce that he's had his fair share as well.
"Well since you know me so well. I was just thinking about me not liking being back here."
"Four years of being underappreciated and neglected then told during our senior years that our futures were now so we had to live them. For the record, worst piece of advice I've ever gotten."
Rachel just shrugs. "Life goes and so shall we."
"Will we? Really? Because at the moment I still feel like that closeted gay kid that was lying to himself about the quarterback having a crush on him." Kurt shudders. "Not that I'm thinking of him like that considering he's my brother and all but still. Before that whole 'parents getting married' thing. Life was a whole lot easier."
"Where would be the fun in that though? We needed to grow up so we can fulfill what we called destiny."
"You being on Broadway and me being a world famous fashion designer?" Rachel nods her head. "Well I think we still have a ways to go, but I can see the finish line. It's just gonna take a very good pair of glasses."
"So you actually can't see it at all?"
"Basically, yes."
"I don't like being home Kurt."
"And the saddest part is, we still consider this place home."
Avoiding Finn seems like it should be something easy to do; McKinley is a big school and she is a small person so naturally, avoidance is anything but.
It's not her fault she hears the loud beating of drums in the choir room fifteen minutes before the shows about to start. And it's certainly not her fault that her curiosity always seems to get the better of her. And yeah, she could've turned around and walked away once she'd entered the choir room and seen him sitting at the kit, but he didn't have to look up and they totally didn't have to have some pretty hot eye sex.
So yeah, none of it's her fault. Especially when they end up half naked in his office, hair mused and sweet kisses being exchanged.
"I missed you so much," he whispers against her skin.
"I know. I missed you too. But shouldn't you be getting everyone ready?"
"I'd rather be with you. You know that."
She sighs softly and disentangles herself from him "But I don't need you Finn. They do. So what you need to do is go out there and be the director and leader they need." She walks away from him and out the opposite door.
"I thought this is what you wanted." Finn calls out after her. "I thought you wanted me to stand up and be a man. For me to be more like Brody."
"I never wanted you to be like Brody, Finn. I want you to be the best version of you, and I must've thought somewhere, that you'd be that person if you grew up," she replies. "But maybe it's not just you that needs to grow up. Maybe I need to do some more growing up myself. I'm sorry Finn. I'm so sorry." She continues walking away, as far away from him as she possibly can.
"We could've done it you know," he says. Her heart clenches because they both know he's lying and in some ways, that hurt far more then either of them realized. "We could've made it work. But you just gave up on me and on us. I never pegged you for a quitter Rachel." He's lying to himself and he's lying to her and she just wants to curl up and cry and pretend that tonight never happened. It hurts her that he thinks she's giving up, it hurts her more then he'll know. Can't he see he's doing this for him? Not to hurt him, not this time, but to save him from the life he'd end up living and the resentment that she never wants to be directed at her.
"What would you do in New York, Finn? Work at the nearest garage; work at the corner store or at some coffee shop? How is that any better then what you'd be doing here? You gave me my freedom, now I'm giving you yours. You'll thank me for it eventually." Her world vomit spews out with a bit more bite then she thought, but she's been so god damn sick of him lying, and not just to her. This time she does actually continue down the hallway and doesn't stop, even when she hears the sound of his fist driving itself into the closest locker.
The worst part is, even if she'd wanted to, she honestly doesn't think that there's anything she can do.
She leaves the next day, earlier then Kurt because he wants to stay with his family a bit longer, but she does have either Brody or Cooper meeting her at the airport, but after their last fight, she's guessing Brody will be playing the avoidance tactic so Coop will probably meet her.
Four years ago, she would've found it strange that she had three close guy friends (even though one was completely gay), and not one of them was Finn. She'd always thought Finn would be one of those people she stayed in contact with, or at least tried to once high school was over, even if they did break-up. Reality could not get much more different then, she thinks to herself as she takes a sip of coffee.
She'd never been a big coffee drinker before New York, she always had enough energy to get her through her high school day. College is more of a challenge. She has to get up early most mornings for school, she practices in her free time and then she has to make sure that she and Kurt are eating somewhat decent food. A task, which to her, is easier said then done when she thinks about it since they're both out of the apartment so much during the day and when they get home all they feel like doing is watching Real Housewives and eating takeout.
"Hey there midge," the all too familiar voice of Cooper Parker whispers as she enters the baggage claim area. "Have fun in Hicksville?"
If there's one thing about Cooper Parker that she notices every time she sees him, it's the eyes. While they're not a certain color of amber, they are a very bright blue to the point she where swears they glow depending on the light, and paired with his tanned skin and shaggy blond hair, he's always been someone she's had trouble looking away from. Even when he was being an obnoxious ass; a side of his personality that showed more then the big softie she knew he was.
"It's not Hicksville. It's Lima."
"Like the bean and the city in Peru? Someone should've though of a more original name."
"Because Hicksville is so creative, and it's not as if I haven't heard it all from Cassie before."
Coop laughs good naturedly. "Good to have you back midge. Missed your Diva moment and drama with Cassie; Brody hasn't known what to do with himself."
Brody and Cooper were roommates, until Cooper moved out because some rich family member died and left him with a ton of money so he could rent his own place. Still, the boys had stayed close, and when Brody and started showing an interest in her then started sleeping with Cassie, he'd been quick to introduce her to all his friends in order to gain some of her respect back. It hadn't really worked, but hey, she got a friend out of it and she ended forgiving Brody enentually.
"It's good to be back," she agrees.
They walk in silence out of the airport and then hail a cab. "So, did you have any run-ins with the dreaded ex?"
"No. And Finn isn't dreaded, I just don't like talking about him with you especially since you can't keep your mouth shut and I have no doubt that whatever I tell you will end up in the advice section of the NYADA Bulletin." Cooper was the writer in chief of the NYADA Bulletin since he did a double major with NYU in journalism. He wrote the self help section and usually used her personal experiences as a guide for what he should write.
"Not true. I'm a good friend and wouldn't blab about you to the rest of the student body."
Rachel snorts. "We both know how likely that is, don't we?"
Cooper rolls his eyes. "I don't know why you ask me to pick you up from the airport when all you're going to do is insult me."
"Well someone needs to keep your ego down."
"Says the Diva."
"Well it is a name I wear with pride."
"We all know you and Rachel got it on in the choir room, so you're going to tell me what else happened because I highly doubt that Rachel would've just walked out on you post sex without saying a word."
He glances up at Kurt with a frown on his face and grumbles something that not even he can make out.
"I'm sorry," though he doesn't even sound sorry, "I don't speak caveman any more then your mother does and since you won't talk to her, then you get to talk to me and I won't even tell her what you've told me."
So yeah, that's a lie because his mom worries to much about him and the general direction his life isn't going and to be perfectly honest, he doesn't really want to talk about it because talking about it would make it seem real all over again.
"We had sex, she told me stuff, I told her stuff, and she walked away. Again. I'm really not in the mood to talk, so just leave me alone Kurt. Ask her when you get back to New York, I'm sure she'd love to bitch about how much she hates me."
Kurt scoffs in annoyance. "We both know that she doesn't hate you, Finn. It's highly unlikely that she'll ever hate you, but she is growing into herself and until she's finished learning what she needs to learn, you can't be there with her."
"Is that meant to be a pep talk? Because if it is then you totally suck."
Falling into routine after Kurt gets back is easier then she thought, add to that their strange addiction with Real Housewives and everything seems like normal. Only there are two large, purple elephants in the room that are called Finn and Blaine and neither know how to deal with it. Sure, she's gone through break-up after break-ups with Finn before, but before they were still in high school and they shared the same friends, saw each other in glee and around the school and even then, they still sometimes talked over the phone if they needed to do something for glee together.
This time though, there's not contact at all. She supposes it's easier in some ways; she doesn't have to see him, or hear about what he's doing (who he's doing, when that becomes the case) and there certainly aren't any awkward run-ins at the corner store.
But the hopeless romantic side of her wants to hear how he's doing, just in case he's thinking about her like she thinks about him, and she wants to have an awkward run-in with him, just so she can see those amber eyes and the smile she loves too much.
She wants to have it all, but she knows she never will because she's not that girl, even though she could've been. If only she just said yes.
He kind of hates being the director of the glee club sometimes. Like, when he walks into the room they all turn to look at him so they can begin the lesson. He doesn't like that much; he wants to be apart of that, instead of standing on the outside looking in. Like Jake, Marley, Kitty and Ryder; with all the unresolved feelings and secret crushes and chemistry between the four, he realized he'd rather be in the middle of the drama then be left with the aftershocks when it was over, like the sate of limbo he thinks he's in now.
He mentions it to Artie one day, when they're working on songs for sectionals. Artie gives him a puzzled look then laughs openly.
"You think its strange watching their lives unfold, how hard do you think it is for the rest of us?" Artie asks him. "I mean, the rest of last years seniors aren't, for the most part, living in the same state as us and they're still causing drama. Santana and Brittany, Kurt and Blaine, you and Rachel." Artie lists of his fingers. "We're still all on the outside looking into that, and we probably always will be, because we'll always be a really dysfunctional, borderline incestuous family."
She gets a job working at a little café near NYADA that she and Kurt had been meeting up at, and Cooper got her an audition with some company or another. She goes in for the read through, gets a call back and then is asked to sing. The director looks her square in the eye and tell her that she's not pretty enough and that if she got a nose job and grew five inches then maybe they'll consider her for a part. She calls Cooper and yells at him through her tears until Kurt finds her alone in the apartment and they get drunk thanks to the champagne Brody had brought over for them to celebrate Thanksgiving with.
Rachel drunk dials him over Thanksgiving, since she and Kurt are staying in New York with Kurt's boss and Rachel's NYADA friends.
"Hello? Finny? Finny Bear?" Rachel slurs. "Oh, I shouldn't call you that because you don't like it. I just wanted to say hi because I drank a little liquid courage and I wanted to talk to you- oh, the world's filled with bright golden stars, and I feel really tired so I'm just going to-" she's gone. Just like that. She's not really gone, he supposes since she's still in New York and alive, but the phone call changed something within him, it changed part of his feelings towards her and her can't quite identify it yet.
The next call comes on a Wednesday. A heavy beat is pumping in the background, and he can barely here her over all the loud voices that are trying to compete, but she tell him she loves him and that she's sorry for breaking his heart, again. Then she hangs up.
The third, to twelfth phone calls come every couple of days and if it weren't for the lack of money and sectionals three days away, he would've flown to New York, kicked Kurt's ass for letting her go out and get drunk every other night and made sure she stayed sober. As it is, he can't do any of that stuff, so he resorts to telling her dads because they've always been strict with alcohol consumption especially when it came to a light weight like Rachel who only had to drink a wine cooler to be drunk and a shot of vodka to be smashed.
Anyway, her fathers promise to do something about it, and then they thank him for everything. He knows what they mean. They're thanking him for not marrying her, they're thanking him for putting her on that train, and they're thanking him for leaving New York days after he got there.
He hates that everyone thinks he did such a great, noble thing and then he hopes that he can do something that's even better someday, but he doesn't think that'll be anytime soon.
Her dads visit for the weekend and immediately raid the apartment for any and all signs of alcohol. They don't find anything because she never had that type of stuff in the apartment since she doesn't like drinking at all. She knows this puzzles them, but then they assume that she has friends who take her to parties and only ask that she doesn't drunk to much because her liver probably can't take it considering her size.
She doesn't bother correcting them since she doesn't actually drink, ever, unless someone's brought home champagne or wine (Brody or Cooper depending on what they have to make up for) and even then she knows t only drink a little because otherwise she'd probably have alcohol poisoning or something. She doesn't tell them because she knows that they'll just tell Finn to ignore her whenever she calls because she's just faking being drunk because it's easier then talking to him when she's acting sober.
And yes, she knows its wrong because she was the one to break up with him and yes she's probably really annoyed him with her constant calling but at least she gets to hear his voice every few days.
She groans as she flops down on her bed once her dads finally leave and Kurt joins her.
"I think we should get drunk tonight. Just for the sake of being drunk," Kurt tells her. "Then I have an excuse to call Blaine and abuse him."
She frowns at him and then reaches for the phone, calling Brody. "Sounds like a very good night with a very painful morning."
Blaine asks him if he's heard from Kurt and Rachel at all one morning before school starts. After getting over their differences last year, they'd become pretty close, what with their significant others being all but joined at the hip. But since the break-ups, it had become increasingly hard to find any common ground whatsoever since neither particularly felt like sharing their relationship woes.
"Rachel's been drunk dialing me for the past two weeks or so," he tells Blaine. "I told her dads and they flew up to see her but apparently there wasn't any signs of alcohol in the place and Rachel didn't even look hung-over. Why?"
"Kurt drunk dialed me last night and spent an hour telling me how much he hated me. I've never heard or seen Kurt drunk before, and I just wanted to know if you knew anything."
"Can't say I do man; Kurt and Rachel will both be fine, so don't worry too much." It's the only advice Finn can give Blaine. "But why didn't you just hang up?"
"Because he hasn't talked to me since Grease and I miss him to much to hang up on him like that."
For the record, Finn totally gets it. Hasn't he been doing the same thing with Rachel?
He wins sectionals again, thanks to Mercedes, Mike and Santana who are all home for Thanksgiving, despite it having been over two weeks ago. Puck's there as well, accept all he does is try and reign in Jake when he gets to pissed off. They all go out for dinner at Breadstix's because there all adults now and adults don't go out and party with their students.
"So, Finn," Santana begins. "What exactly are you planning on doing with your life? Applied to any college yet?"
"No. Why? Should I?"
Santana raises her eyebrows at him. "You're joking right? Please tell me that you know you can't keep coaching the glee club forever. Especially with no qualifications. Therefore you have to go to college or risk ending up like Puck."
"Hey, at least I've been getting laid recently. When was the last time you got some?"
"At least I stick to my age bracket. When was the last time you slept with someone under the age of thirty? Anyway, why haven't you applied anywhere Hudson?"
"Because college isn't for me. I just, don't really get it."
"Do you want to end up like a Lima Loser? Because the only way you'll be able to get out of this town is if you go to college."
"What do I do with some random degree Santana? I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I sure as hell wouldn't know the first thing about choosing an actual career path."
Santana smirks at him. "You still want Rachel right? Then man up, apply to schools and get a freaking teachers degree so at least you'll be able to do something you kind of like, right?"
She was right, of course. He did kind of like teaching, and a teaching degree could get him a stable enough job to support himself. "Okay, fine. What do I have to do?"
Santana's a bitch. It's something that he's known for most of his high school life, but having her on his ass about his applications being due in a week, and then making sure he actually does them? Massive pain in the freaking ass. Like seriously, it's Santana and she's being bossier then Rachel ever was. Maybe because she just doesn't care like Rachel did, but then that begs the question as to why Santana was helping him in the first place.
"I like helping people," she says simply when he finally plucks up the courage and asks her. "And I couldn't help Britt until it was to late, and now we're both heartbroken."
"How does helping me fix that?"
"You and Rachel still have a chance. You two, as sickening as you are, have the type of relationship I see old people who've been married for decades have. You just need to get to the stage where you're able to love yourselves like you love each other." She pauses for a few moments. "But if you breath a word of this, I'll castrate you."
She stops the whole 'drunk dialing Finn' thing once she hits midterms. Cassie's being an even bigger bitch then normal because apparently Brody chose Rachel over Cassie and she's not really happy about it. Which means that for Rachel, she has to make up for her teacher not liking her at all by blowing said teacher out of the water with her amazing vocal and dance abilities. She kind of does it at least because Cassie didn't fail her or anything, but she didn't get the highest marks in the class overall.
Still, she's pleased with her progress and the promise of Winter Break makes her skip out of class once Cassie's dismissed them, even going do far as to throw a 'merry Christmas' at her instructor. Brody and Coop decide to take her out for dinner, followed by a party that someone at the dorms is throwing in honor of surviving the first semester.
The party itself is fine, until she suddenly feels really light headed and she turns to Cooper with a frown on her face. "I don't feel well, Coop," she whispers to him, reaching out to grab his arm. "Like, I feel really, really bad."
She wakes up next morning to the news that Cooper and Brody had brought her home once they realized that she'd been drugged and that when they'd brought her home, Kurt had been on Skype with Carole and Kurt and she really wants to throw up now. Kurt merely laughs and asks her what she wants for breakfast.
Well, if he's cooking…
After missing out on Thanksgiving, Rachel and Kurt both agree that they have to go home for Christmas and by extension Rachel's birthday since they're only about a week apart. Her dads meet them at the airport and drive both her and Kurt home because it's not like there was any point in two sets of parents driving to pick up their children. They drop Kurt off, and she sees Finn's bedroom light on, a shadowy figure standing near the window, while Burt and Carole both greet Kurt at the front door. Her dads pull away, and she silently wishes him a happy Christmas.
She doesn't do much for Christmas since she's Jewish and all, but she does get a visit from a few of the old glee club members. They'd been going around singing Christmas carols to raise money for costumes when they'd knocked on her door and her dads, recognizing most of them from the wedding, invited them in for hot cocoa and non-alcoholic, vegan eggnog.
She meets the new members, who remind her of a younger self. She can see the new Finn, Quinn and Puckerman and she wonders how long it will take until they're having another pregnancy scare. That being said, she isn't blind and the new her and the new Puck seem to be a lot closer then the originals ever were. She laughs at the irony of it all and by the end of the night, when she curls up in bed; she's in way to deep being back in Lima that she calls Finn.
He answers on the first ring. She doesn't speak at first because she's way to nervous and neither does Finn, but she can hear him breathing.
"Hi. Merry Christmas." She finally says.
"Merry Christmas to you to." He replies. "How are you?"
"I'm good. What about you?"
"I'm good too."
"So we're all good then, that's good." She giggles a little because she's tired and Finn just makes her want to laugh and she can't really because then things might get weird.
But who's she kidding? Things are already weird.
"I want to see you, Rachel. Like, really badly. It doesn't have to be anything more then two friends going out and getting lunch together." It's a sudden request. It takes her a few seconds to process exactly what he's said, and before she knows it, she's agreeing to their plans to meet at the Lima Bean tomorrow morning.
When they hang up, she can't help but feel the slightest bit of hope that maybe, this time, the timing will be right.
He's at least an hour early to the Lima Bean. He was at home, just sitting around talking with Kurt but all he could think of was how much he wanted to see Rachel. So he left an hour early and sat in his car for half of that, then finally went inside because it was cold and he hated being cold.
Rachel appears fifteen minutes later, wearing jeans, knee high, high-heeled boots and a brown leather jacket. Her hair still had those blond bits in it, but they were shorter then the last time, and her hair was curled the way she used to do it in high school. He smiles at her as she sits down.
They talk about New York and Lima, the different schools, how the clubs doing and what his plan for Regionals is, and when they've exhausted all topics, they stand up to leave. Instead of going their separate ways immediately, they wonder around the streets of Lima.
"So, the drunk dialing? I thought you swore off all drinking?"
Rachel laughs a little. "I thought I did to, but living in a city where two of your closest friends are twenty-one and will by you drinks if you want, it's always so very tempting."
"Like Brody and that other guy that brought you home the night you were drugged?" he asks coolly. "It seemed like a regular occurrence."
"Well its not. Brody and Cooper are just friends and sometimes, when they come and visit, they stay the night, on the couch or in my bed while I share with Kurt." Rachel explains her voice slowly getting louder and her words getting faster.
"I'm just making sure that they aren't taking advantage of you or something Rachel. I'm allowed to be concerned." He defends, looking down at her.
Rachel's eyes narrow. "You're allowed to be concerned are you Finn? Once you know that there are guys in my life you become concerned. Right, but while you're away thinking about whatever it is you needed to figure out with your life, you weren't concerned once. Or were you only concerned about what I would think of you and not what I was actually up to."
"I was worried!"
"Then why didn't you come back? Why did it take you four months to talk to me? And don't you dare tell me that you wanted to give me my freedom or give me space because we both know that's complete crap." Rachel's voice is harsh and bitter and completely unlike Rachel that he can't think of a response. "You know what; you're exactly like your father."
It's like a slap to the face, or like being winded or something, because those words really hurt; they hurt more then her parting 'we're done' in the auditorium, they hurt more then when she told him she kissed another guy, twice. They hurt more then when he was telling her that they weren't getting married and that he was setting her free.
"You run away as soon as you get scared or have some sort of problem. You hide behind this fear of being a Lima Loser and you know what Finn, you'll end up exactly as Quinn predicted. You'll grow old and work in Burt's tire shop and you'll run glee club for Mr. Schue because that's all you think you're good at."
"Who are you? I don't even know you anymore." He shakes his head, trying to sort through everything that had just happened. And he fails at it because it's gonna take him days to process what he's just said, and what she's just said, and now he's pretty sure that any hopes of a reconciliation will have been vaporized with the way they're glaring at each other.
"I grew up Finn. Maybe you should do the same." Rachel turns and stalks away, but she's wearing high heels and he's always had longer legs then her so in a few strides he's caught up to her and has spun her around to face him.
"You don't get to walk away. Not this time. I'm going to talk and you're not going to interrupt and when I'm finished you can have your say." Without giving her the chance to speak, he continues. "I waited four months to talk to you because I wasn't right in the head. I wasn't in the right state of mind to be with you because I'd just shot myself in the thigh after sixteen days in the army. And yeah, I could've called but what would you have done if I'd told you that I'd been shot? You'd have come down and demanded to see me, and then you wouldn't have stayed in New York like you were supposed to do. And I am nothing like my father because my father was a drug addict who left me and my mom high and dry, and only cared about the drugs. I left you because I love you more then I've ever loved anyone in my life, including my mom, and I knew that I had to see if my future was in the Army. Clearly it wasn't, but at least I know that now."
He doesn't yell or scream or knock over chairs but he does stand straighter once, he's done. It's like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders but now it's all out there, hanging between them, waiting for the moment when it can explode.
"Thank-you for loving me as much as you do," she whispers. "Thank you for telling me all that."
"That's all you have to say? Thank-you?"
"I don't know what else to say." Silence falls between them again but its not tense or awkward, it's almost calming.
"Seriously Rachel, say something more then that; break out into song and dance if you have to, but just give me a reaction or something so I know how you're feeling."
She hesitates for a moment before answering. "I feel like I'm not good enough for you. I guess I've always felt like that, but you're just too good for me. I know you think that that's not true, but you've already said that you don't know me anymore; I don't think I'll ever be that girl that you knew. I think I'm becoming everything I've ever despised in a person. And that scares me so much because I don't want to become like her. I don't want that future for myself and I don't want to be that bitter and jaded and borderline alcoholic teacher at the fancy arts school. I don't want that. I don't want to be her."
She's crying when he pulls her into his chest, wrapping his arms around her and kissing the top of her head. "If you're so scared of becoming like them, don't become like them. It doesn't seem that hard to me. Be your own person, make your own rules. Don't make the same mistake they did. You're better then that and everyone in this town knows it."
Finn drops her back at home after her little mental breakdown and she immediately calls Cooper because he's more of the big brother then Brody who has a tendency to go to the 'I'll help you get over your ex with sex' place.
"Do you think I'm self destructive? Because I just did a personality test and it said that I have self destructive tendencies." It's not the strangest thing she's asked him, and it's not as if Cooper actually cares.
"Self destructive how? Like you want to ruin your life or…"
"As in I fight hard for what I want, the get it, then I inevitably know that I'm going to screw it up so I then try and fight my hardest to push it or them away. Does that make sense?"
"Honestly?" Cooper asks. "No. I don't think you're self destructive, I just think that you like the dramatics of it all because we both know that this part of your life story will make reading your memoirs all the more interesting."
She laughs at that because it's so true. She'd better start writing now if she wanted to remember all the emotions she was feeling.
He doesn't get a chance to talk to Rachel until New Years, when the Berry's hold their annual party and countdown. At first he doesn't see her, but then he realized that Kurt would be with her since they hadn't seen each other in a few days, at least not since they got back. When the pair finally remerge, Puck has to slap him on the back in order for him to pick his jaw up off the floor.
"You better hope she doesn't step out like that in New York. It's a wonder she's stayed single." He doesn't want to respond. Her dads use this party as a sort of, business gathering so of course it's kind of semi formal and she's dressed up nicely. But if this is her 'it's my dads New Years party' outfit, then he's scared what her 'lets go out around New York and party' outfit looks like.
They don't talk until just before midnight. She's gripping onto his arm claiming she has sore feet, but he's seen the heels she wears and honestly doesn't think that's possible anymore. She's not drunk either. So the only reason he can think of for her clinginess makes him smile.
"Do you think the timing's right?" she asks him.
He glances at his watch. "It's fifteen minutes to twelve, sounds right doesn't it?"
"That's not what I meant. Do you think the timing for us is right? Do you think that we are where we need to be in order to make this relationship work properly." While she's talking, he feels a lump form in his throat.
He knows he has to be honest here, because otherwise he'll ruin everything. "I think we both know that the timings not right. The fact that we have to ask should say enough about us."
"I know. I was just-"
"Hoping that it might be."
"Yeah."
They kiss at midnight, and for a while into the New Year. It feels right, and simple. They both know its not.
Returning to New York is harder then she thought. Not only does she miss Finn, who she'd been spending more and more time with other the last few weeks, but she loves having a room to herself with proper doors and walls. Also, her dads have a fireplace that they keep burning all night long so she's never cold. She misses that warmth. She and Kurt only have one heater, but the apartment is so big they have to crowd around it in order to feel any heat.
Anyway, classes start back up on the Monday, and by the Wednesday Santana's sleeping on their couch. Yeah, who would've thought.
"I dropped out. I just couldn't do it anymore. Sure college seemed fun, but it just wasn't right for me," Santana explained as she settled on the couch.
"So you just dropped everything and moved to New York?" Kurt had asked incredulously.
Santana nodded her head. "Exactly."
So far, the three of them living with each other had gone reasonably smoothly. Of course, there was only one bathroom, and three high maintenance people, so mornings became a bit of a chore. But they hadn't killed each other yet, which had to be a bonus.
She visits Quinn a week after Santana moves in mainly because she needs to get away from Santana's snarky commentary on her relationship with Cooper and Brody. Apparently she doesn't believe that Rachel's just friends with them both.
Quinn meets her at the train station and she can honestly say that she's never been happier to see Quinn. However, Quinn wasn't alone in her small apartment.
"He's just visiting, I swear," Quinn whispers to Rachel as they sneak out of the apartment once Puck's fallen asleep on the couch.
Rachel scoffs and rolls her eyes. "You don't just visit someone you had a baby with Quinn! Especially not when you live on the other side of the country! Clearly he still has feelings for you!"
"Do you really want to go there Rachel? The last time I checked, you and Finn had more unresolved feelings then everyone in the glee club combined." Quinn takes her hand and leads her around to a park. It's midnight, but they're near enough to campus that security is still out. They take a seat on a bench and settle and Quinn turns to face her. "I'm not going to pretend that I think you guys made the right decision about anything, and I've heard his side of the story and I can get where you're coming from, but I do think that Finn had the right to be angry. However, I am willing to be an impartial observer and need someone to listen to your problems."
"I honestly feel fine about everything. Other then that mix up with Brody the night that Finn showed up on my doorstep, I've never felt more sure about my feelings for Finn."
Quinn sighs. "So what are you going to do? Just wait around for him to get his head in the right place? That doesn't sound very healthy to me."
"On the contrary, I know that I love him, but that isn't going to stop me from going out and being with other guys. And there's nothing stopping him from doing the same."
"So you wouldn't be mad, at all, if you found out he was dating someone?"
"Quinn, have you ever had one of those moments, where everything just feels right? Like, it doesn't even matter that it's not how you wanted everything to be, it still feels right?" Rachel turns to face her blond friend who's studying her carefully.
"When Puck came over and he told me that he's slept with Shelby, we just laid in bed, not saying anything, fully clothed. I guess that was the closest I've come to a moment like that."
Rachel smiles. "That's how I feel at the moment. Always imagined that Finn and I would end up together in New York, and while that has happened, it hasn't happened in the way anyone though it was going to, but I just feel at peace. Like I know that everything will work out as long as we let it happen naturally."
"The three other times you two have dated hasn't happened naturally?" Quinn jokes. For all intents and purposes, she supposes that, no, they hadn't really happened naturally because there always seemed to be a catalyst being added to their chemical equation. If Jesse, Santana and Brittany hadn't have happened, obviously they would've broken up, but would there have been a reconciliation at the end of sophomore year? If Santana hadn't told her the truth about Finn's virginity, would that have changed anything.
As much as the people in their lives seemed to be a catalyst for change, all the things they'd been through had made them strong enough to overcome this obstacle in their lives.
"Cassie sucks," Brody complains, sitting next to her in the dorm showers. The showers were definitely there place. Since Brody still lived in the dorms which were obviously closer to NYADA then the loft, she often spent any free periods she had in his room, practicing, or sitting in the showers once she got tired of the parties that seemed to be thrown every week.
"Well you would know that first hand," Rachel jokes, referring to the brief, yet surprisingly intense fling Brody had had with the cold dance teacher. "Speaking of hands, she mentioned something today about how good you were with your feet, then mysteriously lacking in the talented hand department."
Brody glares at her while she laughs at her own joke. So maybe she'd had a shot, she was at a party and she was feeling stressed after her conversation with Quinn the day before. "Are you manic depressive or something because you totally couldn't get out of bed yesterday morning because you were so depressed over watching the Notebook and now you're totally not depressed because you're paying me out about something you promised never to mention in public."
Rachel glances around surreptitiously. "We're alone Broody, so technically we're not in public."
"This bathroom is a public place therefore we are in public."
"Alright Broody, you win this round. I'll stop talking about skill levels of any kind."
"Will you stop calling my Broody?"
"Nope."
Kurt and Santana are both really, really, bad at dealing with break-ups. And that's putting it mildly. By the time February comes around, both have sunken into varying states of depression upon hearing that their former significant others have started dating other people. Of course, the only reason they know this is because of Jacob Ben Israel's blog which is basically the McKinley High version of Perez Hilton's website, but still. And so close to Valentine's Day as well.
"Manic depressive, eating disorder and normal depressive," Kurt says, pointing to Rachel and Santana in turn. "I always knew we'd make a great team." He's joking, of course. Ever since Brody had started calling her manic depressive in front of Kurt and Santana, the nickname had stuck, so Rachel had been quick to nickname them all something as well.
"At least we can wallow together," Rachel adds. "You know how you were asking me for my New Years resolution. I'm prepared to tell you both now."
"Please tell me it doesn't include Finn."
"It doesn't include Finn, Santana. I've decided that I'm not going to let someone dictate my life just because I have a self destruction switch that seems to be flicked to on permanently and a bit to much pride."
"And because you have this pathological need to make people feel pain so you can feel better about yourself," Kurt adds.
"I wouldn't say feel good, more like 'I know feel like we're even and that makes me feel good'."
Santana snorts into her drink. "Yeah, because that makes so much sense Berry. Maybe you actually are manic depressive or something."
"Why does everyone think I have some form of depression. I'm the happiest I've been in a while, thank you very much."
"Oh please, don't give me that crap. You're not even getting laid!"
"I don't need sex to be happy Santana. Maybe you should try it."
"I'm honestly thinking of dating girls from now on. Like seriously, Blaine has put me off guys. Do you know how many girls have asked me out?" Santana and Rachel glance at each other and burst out laughing. "Seriously! I'm not even joking."
"Don't change yourself just because some guy who wears to much hair gel screwed you over. Men totally aren't worth it. That's why I switched teams."
"Love hurts," Rachel says simply. "That's how you know it is real. And sometimes, the people you love hurt you more then others."
Kurt turns in his chair to look at his best friend, a small smile tugging on his lips. "Thank-you, lovely. But pray tell, what exactly went down between you and Finn over the break?"
She shrugs in reply. "We came to an understanding about our relationship."
"Wait, you and Finn have actually talked about all of your issues? Because that conversation would take at least a hundred years."
"When was the last time you talked to Blaine about your issues Kurt." Rachel retorts, glaring at Kurt. "At least I'm able to have a conversation with my biggest problem." Rachel retorts, slapping at his arm. "Besides, Finn and I don't have that many problems, it was more a matter of the timing being terrible and it just not suiting where we are in our lives."
Kurt sighs. "Finn never cheated on you, though. You don't know what it feels like to find out that the person you love most was with someone who you've never met because he was lonely."
Rachel takes his hand and squeezes it gently. "I know how it feels to be told that the person who you were saving yourself for has actually already lost his virginity to the girl who was making my life a living hell. And I know what it feels like to be the person cheating. It sucks, and I can't imagine what Blaine feels like because I could never have had sex with Noah, the boy is basically a walking STD. All I wanted to do was explain to Finn why I did what I did. Then I had to go and watch him date Quinn, the girl who did far worse then I did. And yeah, it sucks, but you need to get over it and move on."
"How?"
"By admitting to yourself that you'll love them forever, but you know that it'll never be the same because something between you broke. Then, you love the memories you have of the good times."
"Is that how you dealt with Finn, the three times you broke up?" Santana asks softly. "Because the moment you're over Finn Hudson is the moment we've all lost hope for finding the one."
Quinn invites her to New Haven for Valentine's Day because she feels lonely and would rather spend Valentine's Day commiserating with her best friend then go to a singles night someone at her school had thought up. They meet at the train station again then drive back to the apartment in relative silence. Until they drive straight past Quinn's apartment building.
"My mom rented a cabin for Christmas, but the church arranged a cruise that left the week before Christmas, and then they stayed at school for the holiday, so she changed the booking over to my name, and I took it for this weekend," Quinn explains. "It has three bedrooms so we don't have to share a bed like last time, and we'll have room for your bags as well. Plus it's kind of near the beach so we can go there if you want." Never mind the fact that it's still winter so it's freezing.
"Why didn't you invite Santana and Kurt then? You've been saying for weeks that you want to organize something with them."
"Because I invited some of my other friends." Quinn replies vaguely.
Rachel's eyebrows shoot up. "Define 'other friends' and by that I mean, please tell me you didn't invite who I think you've invited."
Quinn remains silent. It's an answer enough for Rachel, who promptly groans and leans her head against the headrest. "It won't be that bad."
"Why did you invite me then?" Rachel all but wails. "You could've had a nice private Valentine's Day together."
"I invited you because you're my best friend and I haven't spent that much time with you since graduation because we've both been to busy and I know that you won't have a free weekend until at least April with all your school work."
Rachel grins at the blond, then freezes. "Who else is Noah bringing with him?"
Silence.
"You didn't. Quinn, please tell me you didn't."
Oh but she did. Not only was Puck there, but a close friend of his that just happened to be named Finn Hudson. Yes, she said she was fine with everything, but seeing him after what happened over New Years? Not so easy when he just smiled sweetly at her as they cooked dinner together.
They'd exchanged all the trivial small talk hours before, when they'd been left to their own devices by Puck and Quinn who had wanted some alone time together. In those few hours, they'd come to the realization that they'd both been tricked into coming up.
"I'm inviting Santana and Kurt to come up," she tells him once she puts the last dish in the oven. "Not that I don't want to spend time with your or anything, but if Quinn and Puck really want some alone time, then they're not going to get it."
Finn laughs. "Where's everyone going to sleep? There's only three bedrooms."
"Kurt, Santana and I can all share a room, we do it anyway."
"How did that happen?" Finn asks. "All I know is that one day Santana was telling me that I was lazy and that I should be applying for college and the next she was leaving Lima to stay with you and Kurt in New York."
"Exactly what you just said. She told us that she just decided to drop out of college so she could move to New York. She's working at a waitress at two different places because she's looking for another apartment. Hey, is it true that Blaine and Brittany are dating other people?"
Finn shrugs. "Nah. Sam, Britt and Blaine are all really close, so Jacob takes the crap out of them for it."
"Good. I've had to deal with to many broken hearted people lately and I really don't want to be the one that breaks the bad news." They fall into a comfortable silence, sitting at the kitchen counter. "So, did you apply to any colleges then? Like Santana told you to?"
"Yeah. A few places. Early acceptance letters come out soon, so I might know as soon as mid-March."
Rachel smiles at him. "That's great Finn. With all the credentials you have from this year, any school would be stupid to say no to you."
"Thanks Rach. It means a lot that you can still be happy for me after everything I put you through." She really should've known that something like this would've come up at some stage.
"It's all in the past Finn. But that doesn't mean that there isn't a future for us."
Finn groans and buries his face in his hands. "So what do we do now?"
"I don't know. I guess that's what we have to figure out."
Turns out 'figuring stuff out' isn't as easy as they thought it would be. They have a lot of stuff to figure out. Three years of it to be exact, and counting if the last ten hours were anything to go by. They've talked a lot about their relationship over the past couple of months he realizes. They're sitting out on the porch, on the same seat with a blanket draped over them and Rachel's leaning into his side with her head resting on his chest. He's tracing patters up and down her arms as she hums a song to herself.
"We're really bad at staying apart," he muses. The humming stops and she shifts slightly so she can see his face. "Look at our track record of break-ups or just being around each other I guess. When normal people would've been avoiding each other, we some how end up doing couple stuff together, even when we were with other people."
She nods in agreement, but remains silent.
"It scares me, you know?" she shakes her head. "I'm scared that I'm going to meet someone who I really care about and you'll have someone that you care about, but then something will happen and we'll be brought back together again, and I won't be able to stay away from you. I as that guy once before, and I don't ever want to be that guy again, even if it means that I can't be with you."
He really is scared. He'd always loved Quinn, not in the same way that he loved Rachel, but more of a friend way, but whenever Rachel was around, all he could think of was her soft brown hair, her warm brown eyes and the way she would sing just for him when they were alone. He's scared because he's pretty sure those feelings won't go away anytime soon. Rachel for her part, is mostly silent as she thinks over his words, and thinks of her own. He appreciates that because otherwise he wouldn't have been able to prepare himself for whatever she may say; heartbreaking or whatever the alternative may be.
"It's kind of funny how much we've changed in the last couple of months," she says her voice soft and whispery. "A year ago, would we even have had this type of conversation? Talking about a future where we're not together?"
"No."
"I'm scared of the same things you are. I used to be scared that one day, you'd meet someone that you loved more then me. I hated the thought of it, but I figured it was the inevitable. I hated the thought of you not loving me enough, or loving someone else more. Now I'm scared that I'll never love anyone but you. I get it Finn I really do." They fall into silence again, both lost in memories and thoughts for the future, whatever it may bring.
He doesn't know how long they sit there for, but she stays curled into his side and he traces patterns on her arms. They don't talk, she does hum though; if he knows the tune, he'll hum along with her.
As the night gets darker, Quinn and Puck return home loudly, jolting them out of their thoughts. Finn doesn't let her go though, choosing instead to wrap his arms around her waist and holding her closer to him.
"I don't care how long it takes, I don't care if we never get out happily ever after and we get married and settle down with other people. But I want you to know that I'm glad I'm sharing this part of my life with you, because I don't think I could've done it with anyone else." Rachel pulls away from him once he's finished talking and stares at him with tears in her eyes. She wipes away his tears and kisses him softly on the lips.
"I'm glad that I get to share my life with you too. Even if we never get our happily ever after together. I'll never forget these moments, or the conversations we've had. I'll never forget you. Promise me that you won't forget me."
"How could I forget you Rachel?" She smiles again. "But I promise to never forget you."
They didn't end up inviting Kurt and Santana. Mainly because they fell asleep once they'd had dinner, and partly because they would've had to have faced the whole 'why are the two of you sharing a bed thing?' questioning that Rachel would not doubt get. There was also the small part of them that just wanted to be alone while they could before they had to face the real world again.
"The real world sucks." He tells her, putting away the dishes from breakfast.
Rachel laughs. "Life's what you make it, so make it right."
Finn turns around to glare at her. "Hey, if you start singing Hannah Montana, I'm out, and you can do the dishes."
"That might be a little hard considering you've already done them for me. Thank you for that, by the way." She's smiling at him with that really big smile like he's just hung the stars or something. He smiles back (how can he not?) and she reaches forward to kiss his cheek. "How long do you have off until Regionals?"
"Regionals are the week after next, so I guess Mr. Schue wants me to take this week off."
"Well you do work to hard, so good on him for basically forcing you out of town with Puck. Wait, do you think he knew what Quinn and Puck were doing?" she tilts her head to the side as she asks him, trying to think about it herself.
He shrugs. "Probably not. Schue's not what really into going behind peoples backs for stuff like that."
"Unless it's to get you into glee club," she teases. "I haven't thanked him for that yet. Remind me to do it when I come home again. But that's beside the point."
"And what's the point?"
"You work to hard. You put that entire musical together in six weeks, and it was amazing, then you got your team out of it's post musical haze and won sectionals. This was while you were basically running the tire shop for Burt and finding time to apply to colleges. You need a break."
"I'm having a break now, Rachel," he points out. "Until Spring Break, I have to keep focused for Regionals."
"Come stay with us." It comes out of nowhere. She just blurts it out randomly, then stares at him with her eyes really big and wide, basically begging him to agree. "The last time you were in New York, I forgot that other schools exist outside NYADA. Schools that have there open days over the next week or so, so you could get an idea of college life and talk to college students. What colleges have you applied to? Just out of curiosity."
"Ohio State, U of M, Northwestern and Penn State." He doesn't tell her that he also applied to NYU and Columbia. He hopes that he'll be able to surprise her with it if he gets in.
"All very good schools," Rachel agrees. He can see that she's disappointed that he hasn't applied to any New York schools. "So do you want to stay for a week or what?"
"I'd love to. Kurt and Santana won't mind will they?"
"Probably not." She replies smirking up at him.
"Did I ever tell you how and why I met Cooper?" she asks. They're sitting on the porch again with the blanket draped over them again. He shakes his head. "Well, a few weeks after we broke up, Brody told me that he'd started a fling with Cassie, my bitch of a dance teacher, who had basically rubbed it in my face up until I left for Lima to see the musical. Anyway, once he'd told me, he called it off pretty quickly or that's what he said, but anyway. In hopes of me forgiving him, he introduced me to a bunch of his friends. Most of his friends are carbon copies of Jesse St. James, but Cooper wasn't like that. He's from California and instead of being just an actor, he wanted to do into musical theater. Coop was pretty laid back, so laid back that he'd let me rant and rave about everything and anything even if meant that he couldn't go to the gym. Once I finally forgave him, Brody thought that I had feelings for him, which I didn't, but Brody wouldn't take no for an answer. I told Cooper about him and he put Brody in his place. Brody came back and apologized. The three of us have been friends ever since. I think you'd like Cooper, he's kind of like you, but kind of like Puck but then he has these moments where I see a bit of Blaine in him. The good parts of Blaine I mean, not the cheating part of Blaine. But anyway, you'll like him."
He kind of loves being in New York with Rachel. He loves being able to hold her hand as they walk around NYU on a guided tour lead by Cooper who is actually pretty cool. He loves being able to hug her and talk to her and just be around her whenever he wants.
It all ends too quickly though and in a few days that seem to go by to fast, he's driving back to Lima with Puck.
Despite the goodbye, he doesn't really feel like it's goodbye. He's still waiting for his letters to come, hoping that he can at get into at least one of them. He doesn't like waiting all that much, especially after the epic let down he had last year when his letter from Pace had arrived. But anyway, he has glee to concentrate on, even if he's not really sure what his lesson for the week should be.
When he gets back he tells his mom that he applied for colleges. She's proud of him, and says as much, then asks him where he applied. Sure he and Rachel are on the way back to being friends and hopefully something more, but he's not sure he wants to share their story with his mom just yet. He's had enough of the pitying looks for a lifetime, he doesn't need anymore just in case something happens between him and Rachel.
"A what week?" He asks, leaning on the car he'd been working on with Ryder and Jake. He'd been complaining to Rachel all week that he couldn't think of any themes for the two weeks leading into Regionals, so she'd suggested a playlist week. "How does that even work?"
She laughs. "It's a week where you get the club to create a five song, or whatever, playlist that they then perform to everyone. The playlist has to be about how they're feeling at the moment though, or how they felt when they were going through tough. I have a lot of those playlists you know."
He did know. Rachel had a playlist for just about every mood and situation imaginable. "Some of you playlists have over a hundred songs on them. I should know, I have them on my iPod."
"You said you wanted new music, so I gave you three playlists filled with music you've never heard before. I've almost run out of space on my phone and daddy bought me a new iPod which means I can get more songs!" he can't help but laugh. He turns around to see his mom watching him carefully, waves then continues talking to Rachel.
"Well you are a music hoarder." He hears her protests over the traffic in New York. "I'm joking, I'm joking."
"You'd better be Finn Hudson!"
"But seriously, how am I supposed to fit fourteen people singing five songs into one week? We'd have to have, like, fourteen songs a day and glee only goes for an hour and a half, plus I have to get in regionals rehearsals as well. There, just won't be enough time for it all."
"You need to relax, alright? Just calm down, focus on regionals then maybe you can think of the playlist idea as a post regionals lesson." She pauses for a few moments. "I have to go, but I love you, and relax."
He sighs. He didn't want to say goodbye just yet. "Yeah, I know. I'll call you later. Bye."
"Bye, love you."
"Who was that?" His mom asks.
"Oh just a friend. What are you doing here? Do you have lunch?" He didn't want to lie, but everything was being kept on the down low for now.
"Yes, I brought lunch. Does this friend have a name?"
"Yes, but it's not important."
"So then it must be important."
"Look, they're just a friend and that's all they're going to be for a while." The frustration is creeping into his voice as he talks. His mom must hear it in his voice and her face turns to sympathy.
"You can move on Finn. If what Kurt's told me is true, then Rachel certainly has." He bites back the laugh. Rachel's 'date' with Cooper had been a cover for her staying the night at Cooper's while he had been there.
"I'm not looking for that again mom. I'm concentrating on myself at the moment, and my friend is just a friend. But if you're really curious, then her name is Cassie." Rachel had jokingly told him that he should refer to her as Cassie if anyone asked who he spent so much time talking to. He'd laughed, but when Brody and Cooper had filled him in on everything that had gone down between Cassie and Rachel, he'd said that he'd do it.