Attack of the Mary-Sue: Twins
A/N: This is an idea I got from a birthday card that I made for a friend of mine. Hahhaha. Oh my God, I just about died when I had to draw the Mary-Sue. Anyways, nothing in this fic should offend you, unless... of course... if you like Mary-Sues. So, if you want a good laugh, Read and Review!
I
It was dark. The time of night when every sound was magnified about ten times. Hogwarts was supposed to be in session. However, not one student ever even thought about leaving their common rooms in the middle of the night.
There hadn't been any classes for a while. Even Fred and George Weasley missed McGonagall's classes and strict rules.
Sleep was rarely found. Their voices echoed through the stone hallway. Even the ghosts stayed inside secured rooms. Hell, Peeves wouldn't even look that them. It was truly a nightmare.
And that was why Fred and George Weasley were trembling ever so slightly as they crept through the secret passages of their beloved school. The twins were stepping in time, their hands occasionally brushing against each other.
They were on a very important mission. They came to the end of the dark tunnel and Fred squeezed George's shoulder. He whispered into his twin brother's ear.
"Now or nothing, old friend."
George put his hand on the cold stone wall.
"We can do this."
Fred nodded, cracking a smile. The two twins pushed the hidden portrait open and stepped into the Kitchen.
The two looked to the left. Then to the right. Then to the left again.
All clear.
The two teenage boys quickly moved silently. Creme puffs, peanut butter jars, bread, wine, orange juice, everything. Crackers, pudding, apples, cherries, cakes, and cookies. Everything that the twins could get their troublesome hands on.
Fred was helping George shove the third gallon of milk into his backpack when they heard a sound. It was terrifying. If their bladders had been full, they would have wet themselves.
"Fred..."
The twins froze.
"George..."
They turned slowly to see it.
Two beautiful girls. Perfect. Their eyes were bright purple, their hair cotton candy pink. They were wearing identical outfits, white summer dresses that came down to their mid thigh. Their faces... perfect. Their legs, long and slim. Their breasts at least a C cup. Not too big, not too small.
Perfect.
The twins backed up, abandoning the food.
"Um... um..."
The two perfect twins blushed at the same time, their hair glistening in the candle light.
"Oh, George!" The one girl sighed his name. "Oh Fred!" There went the other. "We love you!" They leaped into the air, hovering. Their dresses flapped in a way that was revealing and made you want more. "Take us! Make us yours!"
George and Fred clung to each other and screamed as they charged, flying at them, arms open, bodies wanting. The Weasley boys hugged each other.
"Fred, we've been through a lot, and I want to tell you that I love you, mate!"
Fred tightened his grip on his dear brother.
"Same here!"
They waited for the pain. They waited for the disgustingly wet kisses. The terribly cliche romantic moments. They waited for their souls to be taken.
It never happened.
II
Fred was the first to open his eyes. He saw the most beautiful sight in the world.
The twins that were in mid air were wide eyed. The one had a sword sticking out of her stomach. The other was glowing green. The suspension only lasted for a second. Their bodies hit the floor.
Fred saw Hermione Granger fall with one, withdrawing her sword when they both landed on the stone. George saw Draco Malfoy smirking as the limp form of the girl smacked on the floor. He had used the Avada Kedavra curse. The bodies of the perfect twins burst into white sparkles.
The Weasley twins heard Hermione panting, her mouth open. Their eyes traveled up and down her body. She was wearing a ripped brown skirt and bikini top. On her stomach were blood red stripes that began at her hips and shot upward to her ribs. The same stripes were on her face. Three on each cheek.
Draco was wearing ripped up black slacks. The twins got the creepy chill of a feeling that there was blood on them. He had no shirt on, and had the same war paint on his stomach and face that Hermione wore.
"Wow. Thank, mate, that was a close one!"
George hugged Hermione, lifting her up and making her giggle. George tossed her to Fred, who caught her and spun her around. The prefect was beaming and hit the boys.
"Fred, put me down this instant!"
She was fighting her laughs as she scolded them and Fred let her slide out of his arms. He did raise his eyebrows when he saw what she was wearing under the ripped up brown skirt, however.
"Wow, Hermione, boy shorts, huh?"
The prefect glared at the twins, who were high-fiving each other and laughing like hyenas. Draco crossed his arms as he cleared his throat, stopping the laughter and mirth for the moment.
"Ahem, maybe you two should move so we have food."
The twins glared at the Slytherin snob.
"Aw, shove it, Malfoy."
Draco scoffed and ran his fingers through his hair.
"What a nice way to say thank you for saving your skin." He sneered. "I shouldn't be surprised. The Weasley family has never had much manners."
Hermione had to move quickly as she threw up her arms, blocking Fred and George from pummeling the boy into the tile. Draco smirked behind her body as her chest heaved.
"Hey! Chill out!" She caught her breath. "We need to stick together if we want to live through this!"
Everyone was still for a long moment. Fred and George finally picked up their bags, shoving some random food until the seams of the bags were about to burst. Still shooting glares at Draco, they slipped into the portrait. Draco and Hermione glanced at each other, not saying a word as they both stepped into the secret passage. They plunged into darkness as they closed the door behind them.
III
"Oy! Food call!"
Fred and George unloaded one fourth of their stash in the Gryffindor Common Room. Harry and Ron quickly rationed it and turned to the twins.
"Hurry and bring this to the rest of the Houses."
Fred and George both gave short salutes as they replied in unison.
"Hufflepuff is next. Then Slytherin, and last is Ravenclaw!"
The Weasley twins disappeared into another passageway. Hermione sat down, drawing a cloak around her shoulders. Ron and Harry quickly came up to her.
"Hermione, are you alright?"
She nodded.
"I got another one today..." She shivered. "I-I never t-thought that I would use f-fencing like this..."
Draco came up behind her.
"It's not like you actually killed something." His wand was at his side. The Avada Kedavra curse was still fresh on it. "They don't bleed." He rubbed his arm absent-mindedly. "They don't have souls. When they die, they just disappear."
Hermione brought her knees to her chest.
"What names did you come up for them?"
Harry and Ron exchanged glaces and the Boy Who Lived pushed his glasses up his nose.
"Well... the name is kind of stupid... but it was all we could come up with."
Draco sneered.
"Well, come on, Potter! Spit it out!"
Harry glared at his rival.
"We call them Mary-Sues."
IV
It seemed like the Mary-Sues had invaded Hogwarts years ago. They just dragged time out. If Hermione hadn't been a fencing expert, then Draco wouldn't have agreed to fight them. He demanded a partner.
So the Pureblood and Mudblood were a team.
All the Gryffindor students were huddled around the fire as night flooded the windows. When everything was quiet, you could hear them. You could hear the Mary-Sues calling for their victim. Harry's name would be moaned, and just a little bit farther away you would hear Draco's name called in that yearning mewl.
Hermione's hazel eyes were drifting shut as she leaned up against the wall, her robe wrapped around her. Every once and a while she would hear the name of Ron, Fred, George, and even Blaise.
Her eyes closed and she let sleep take her.
Draco, on the other hand, was not resting easy.
He was sitting next to Granger and he stared into the Gryffindor fire. He never said it, but the cries of those things haunted him at night. He heard his named moaned, shouted, even screamed in orgasmic pleasure.
Normally this would please him... but not if it was coming from those Mary-Sue zombies!
He closed his emerald eyes. Draco... Draco... I love you... I want you... Take me... He blocked out the infinite voices. He told himself, as his heartbeat slowed, that he would kill them all. Him and Granger, together they would rid Hogwarts of this infestation.
He felt the Mudblood's head rest on his shoulder. He didn't shake her off. He didn't have the strength. He just wanted to sleep and hunt early tomorrow morning. Those were Draco Malfoy's last conscious thoughts as he slipped away into his dreams.
V
Fred and George walked back to the Gryffindor Common Room. They opened the door with grave faces. Harry and Ron bounded up to them, and they lost the skip in their step at the news.
Slytherin lost another girl.
Hufflepuff is still hungry. They can't find Cho Chang.
Ravenclaw is missing three first year boys.
Harry thought of telling Hermione and Draco, but stopped when he found them. The two were sleeping, out cold. Hermione had her robes around her and Draco was just sleeping. The Gryffindor girl was leaning on the Slytherin boy. That's how tired they were.
"Better tell them tomorrow."
Ron nodded, his throat dry.
"Yeah."
VI
A/N: Please... PLEASE review! I thought this fic is funny, and I do think it's funny. Please tell me if you think the same way or totally disagree. Sorry that I stopped it there, but whatever. Oh, and this fic is like a parody. It's not non-stop bashing, but it does poke fun at Mary-Sues. Later on I will touch on OC's, OCCness, Crossovers, and AU's. Flames accepted, don't be shy!
-The Mighty Sword