In which 17 becomes a park ranger
The man coughed into his hand, drawing his colleague's attention to the presentation. They all seemed to be rather bored and out of it, and he was only at the 12th slide.
"If you don't understand the migration cycle of the spackle-beaked heron, how are you going to know when to assure a proper nesting area safe from striped jackal foxes?" he stated, rather upset. A clicking noise sounded incessantly from the table as Joe played with his pen, the paper in front of him completely empty. Which was still better than Dave, who was drawing little circle patterns on his.
None of them were taking this job seriously enough!
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.
Great, Bob finally arrived. Only 20 minutes late, as well.
Sure enough, Bob walked in, looking rather roughed up and holding a reluctant teenage boy by the arm.
"Who's this?" the man (who was actually named George, but had no reason to reveal his name before) asked, holding the pointer in his hands worriedly.
"This kid right here is going to be the newest member of our team!" Bob beamed at him, sounding rather excited. The boy didn't seem to share his feelings, as his eyes kept darting around the small room with displeasure.
Everyone stared at him, then back at Bob. Surely, he must be joking.
Bob grabbed George's green ranger hat and places it on the kid's head, the oversized article falling down to his ears and covering his large forehead completely, which was an improvement, to be fair.
"See, already fitting in!" Bob smiled.
The teen removed the hat and threw it to the side carelessly. It broke a window and kept going.
"Why do you want this boy to join us?" George tried to get their conversation back on track.
"I'm probably older than you" the dark haired 'boy' whispered under his breath.
"Guys, you should've seen it! I was tracking down these poachers in the south region of the forest and-" Bob started his story, flaying his arms with enthusiasm.
"You were SUPPOSED to be at the meeting" George retorted.
"Like I said, I was doing something important" Bob continued undeterred, receiving a groan from his superior. "I managed to find the guys just as they were trying to shoot an endangered pink dinobird and I tried to stop them, only to be outnumbered and taken hostage"
Why did he still sound happy while saying this?
"And then out of nowhere, this guy shows up. It's like he appeared out of thin air, like a specter!"
"Just because I move too fast for you doesn't mean I'm a ghost" the kid mumbled again, rolling his eyes.
"And?" George raised an eyebrow.
"And then he saved me from the poachers! You should've seen him kick the crap out of them, it was so awesome!" he gestured with a couple of demo kicks and punches of his own, hitting a chair and a lamp in the process. "He managed in a minute what'd been taking us 5 months!"
"What were you even doing out here in the middle of the woods, anyway, boy?" George addressed him for the first time.
"I'm 17" he pointed at himself, getting thoroughly annoyed with the word "boy" as his only identifying feature.
"I'd rather know your name, not your age" George pointed out, feeling a little nervous as he noticed the kid glaring daggers at him.
"Fine, it's Jinzoningen Juunanagou. 17 for short. Happy?" the teen with a number for a name insisted.
"Sorry I asked."
"Look, just humor me, ok. Not like I'll be here for long."
"Alright, still, what were you doing all the way out here?" Joe added from his seat, still toying with that annoying pen.
"I was on my way to East City"
"That's on the other side of the planet! In the complete opposite direction!" George scratched his head in confusion.
17 raised an eyebrow and pulled out a map from his pocket. East City was indeed to the west. Oops. Well, can't blame him for being lost this time, right? Right? 18, don't you dare. He wasn't lost, he was only checking to see if she was! Good thing she wasn't around to hear about it this time.
Where was she, anyway? He hadn't seen her in a while.
She just went to powder her nose and was away for the past…umm…5 years?!
Oh.
It suddenly dawned on him that maybe she ditched him for some reason. Noseless bald midget related reason.
He should be worried about her safety, but he knew that if she went down, it'd be with a dozen military officers and 6 fighter drones underneath her foot. He'd probably see her on the news if that happened.
"Well, shoot. Now it'll take me like, 2 hours more if I keep going in this direction." he mused, everyone staring at him incredulously upon declaring that he will circle the globe in a couple of hours, on foot.
"Wait, you can't leave!" Bob grabbed his arm with a pleading look, getting back in the conversation. "You saved my life! We could use your strength and resourcefulness! Please, come join our group."
17 frowned deeply.
"What do you guys do, anyway?"
"Pointless Powerpoint presentations" came a reply from the crowd. George stared at the group menacingly. Who said that? Who dared to say that?
"We're Park Rangers!" Bob smiled, adjusting his badge. "We keep the wildlife safe from poachers and protect the forest and nature alike!"
17 stifled a laughter and it came out like a cough.
"Ok, sure, no way."
"We're willing to pay you handsomely!" Bob tried again.
"Wait, who's WE? I'm your boss!" George grit his teeth at his colleague who spoke in his name.
"Sounds tempting, but I dunno…" He could use the money for a new car, sure. But he could also steal them both and avoid this entire situation. Decisions, decisions.
"You also get your own car!" Bob insisted.
"Getting warmer" 17 bargained.
"Oh, I think you'd look ravishing in uniform!" a sultry female voice came from the back. 17 turned to the source. Impressive rack. The face wasn't bad either, he guessed, he didn't really notice it. Still, those gazongas…showing off nicely through her green blouse…
He suddenly had an epiphany. Looking at her shirt reminded him of 16. The color, not the boobs. Hopefully not the boobs.
16 loved nature so much. If there was anything he learned about the big guy in the short time they spent together, is that animals meant a lot to him. He was so nurturing to all the small birds and mammals he encountered, smiling kindly as he cared for them. And he was kind to him too, trying his best to protect him and 18 from that Cell creature. And now he was gone, for good, and there was nothing left to remember him by.
He felt emotional for a moment. He realized fate brought him here to give him a chance to repay his debt to his friend. That and his terrible coordination skills. But mostly fate.
"Alright, I'll do it" 17 sighed, shaking hands with Bob.
Bob cheered. Everyone else gave an unenthusiastic "hooray" from the back. George was rather confused, but he played along.
"Well, I guess now that that's taken care of, you'll need to don the official Park Ranger uniform" George said taking a suit from a closet to his side and throwing it in 17's arms.
17 looked at the kaki short sleeved shirt and short shorts and frowned. It looked slightly worse than a boyscout uniform.
"I see we're going to have to make some changes around here" he said and grabbed the pointer from George's hands, whipping it against the display screen showing a picture of the jackal fox. The fox lost an eye at that as a large chunk of wall behind itself was smacked off.
Everyone snapped out of their daze and boredom and stared in shock at the absurd power behind the gesture. He had their attention, good.
"First, we need a uniform that doesn't make us look ridiculous"
"But I like my uniform" Dave piped up, sheepishly.
"I'm sure you do, Ranger Smith, but if you want poachers to take you seriously, you need to look like you're NOT chasing bears to recover picnic baskets."
"So what are you suggesting?" George seemed intrigued by his proposal.
"Something up to date. Jeans, black leather gloves, and maybe throw some orange in there as well. You can never have too much orange". He fiddled with his bandanna unconsciously as he said that.
"That is hardly a ranger uniform!"
"Precisely! We go in, incognito! Those poachers won't know what hit them"
"The law states that we have to be identifiable as rangers from a fair distance." George stated, pointing at a thick rulebook he had on the table.
"Alright, fine, write 'RANGER' on an armband or something. Whatever. But I get to decide what the shirts say. And I have the perfect idea for our new organization" 17 smiled.
"We already go by the 'Purry Protectors'." Dave pointed out.
"HELL NO!" 17 almost gagged. "We need something short and catchy, with a sweet acronym. Like this: the 'Astounding Society of Salvation!'" he gestured in the air as if he was showing them a wondrous discovery. "I know I'd get behind that any day"
"I doubt the law allows us to use that acronym" George rubbed his cheek worriedly. "How about MIR?"
"What's it stand for?"
"MIR"
"Sounds good. We'll go with that" 17 smiled, getting a few worried glances his way.
He pointed at the wall again, this time taking care not to hit it anymore.
"Second order of business, less lip and more action. While we're in here discussing fashion, 3 more species of dinosaur went extinct already!"
Good thing dinosaurs were a long lasting species with a bright future ahead of them.
"So what are we supposed to do?" George frowned.
"I'm glad you asked, random underling." 17 pointed at him with a smirk. "We round up every last poacher on the face of the planet, we tie them up and shoot them all!"
Everyone in the room stared at him in shock. George backed away from him a few paces. He made a mental note never to share a room at night with this guy.
"Maybe a plan that involves less murder?" Bob chimed in with a nervous chuckle.
"My god, you are all a bunch of pansies. No wonder you're doing such a poor job of protecting this place!" 17 rolled his eyes at him, pouting. "Alright, we stop at the killing part. Unless we have to." He hoped he had to.
"Thirdly, what is this place?" He gestured around himself at the room "This looks like a clubhouse!"
"Well, it used to be" Joe mentioned, a little embarrassed.
17 shook his head.
"Strip it to the ground, we're starting over. If it doesn't have reinforced steel walls, alligator moats and barbed wire fences I'm not stepping foot on this property again. Professionals, people!"
"...aand barbed wire, got it." Dave scribbled down on his sheet.
"Dave, don't humor him" George narrowed his eyes at him, then turned to 17 "Look, don't you think this is a little extreme?"
"Do I look like someone who's trying too hard?" 17 pointed out, adjusting his oversized bandanna and scratching his neon green socks. "I'm just thinking of ways to improve this place. Trust me, in about a week, we'll be on the news!"
In a week, they made the news. Apparently, torture, arson and terrorism aren't proper methods of keeping a nature park in check.
17 found that out after spending a night in prison. Something he was familiar with by now, seeing as how a couple of burly thugs covered in tattoos and scars waved happily at him when he passed by. Nice people, these guys. One of them even knit him a sweater. He should visit them more often.
He returned to the park with a new understanding of his mission there. He would have to tone down the violence. Well, this was going to be a boring ass job. May as well work in a factory screwing on pickle jar lids.
He was thinking of quitting. He felt sorry for his promise to 16, but he did try his best. He just wasn't cut out for this.
He started walking towards the Head Office-turned-Fortress-of-Doom to tell his boss about his resignation when he heard a scream a way away. He ran towards the source of the sound and he found a wounded Pterodactyl cornered by a pair of shady snickering weirdos that were preparing to cut off its wings to sell them to the medicinal black market.
The girl biologist was there too, for some reason, trying to defend the poor creature. 17 got there just in the nick of time to catch one of the guys sock her one good and forcefully throw her to the ground. He frowned. What a bunch of assholes.
The poachers didn't even notice he was there and kept on going, grabbing the bird. The creature tried to escape their grasp and bit one of them, receiving a slap across the beak for it.
17 felt rage build up inside him. This was going too far!
Nobody gets to hurt 16's bird friends!
He dashed to the guy, punching him straight in the kisser. The poacher went screening off through the woods, smashing through trees along the way till he was out of sight.
The other guy turned to 17 in shock and took out his knife, holding it in a threatening way.
The girl got up on her knees, watching him in awe.
17 picked up the first poacher's discarded gun and pointed it at his partner.
"You can't kill me! That's gonna get you locked up for life AND this place shut down!" the poacher snickered, feeling very confident in his chances.
17 knew he was right. He couldn't just shoot him in the face. But he didn't have to. He smirked at the guy and pointed the gun in the opposite direction, above his own head.
The poacher frowned, wondering where he was going with this.
"Hey, 16, this one's for you, buddy." 17 said, pressing the trigger. The bullet fired at full speed, ricocheting off a bunch of rocks, petrified forest and the "Welcome to MIR Natural Park" sign and hit the poacher square in the ass from behind.
He jumped, screaming in pain and landing on his face, shocked at the sting and at the absurdity of the bullet's trajectory.
17 blew away the smoke from the gun, spinning it around and placing it in a holster at his side like a cowboy. If there was one thing he was still good at, it was shooting stuff. Having a mechanical brain that calculated optimal firing angles also helped a little.
The biologist stared at him, her mouth agape. He suddenly looked so masculine and attractive and not at all like a flat, fashion clueless teenage girl. She realized she had fallen for him, and it wasn't just because of the trauma she suffered to her head. She really wanted to be with him for the rest of her life.
She snapped out of her daze and noticed he'd left her behind, carrying the Pterodactyl in his arms, bridal style.
"Hey, 17!" she screamed after him, running up to catch him.
"Hmm?" he said, turning around to look at her. What did she want now?
"That was very brave of you, sticking it to those poachers like that. I really look forward to our next case!"
"Sorry, there's not gonna be a next one" he replied flatly.
"Wh..what do you mean?" she answered worriedly.
"I came here to tell you people I'm quitting. This right here was my last job. I did it for the sake of a friend. I repaid my debt to him now, so I'll be on my way after this." he pointed at the bird dinosaur he was comforting.
No! He can't quit! Not after she finally found what she was missing in her life! She had to change his mind.
"Please don't leave. I…I love you…" she said in a far too shy manner, blushing from head to toe.
17 raised an eyebrow at her.
"U-huh. That's nice, I guess" he turned around to leave again.
Dammit! She had to step it up a notch.
She grabbed his head and pushed his face into her cleavage. That usually worked in movies. Provided he wasn't gay, of course. Please, God, don't let him be gay!
17 removed his face from her voluptuous ta-tas, being not too quick about it though. He stared at her, eyes as wide as he could muster without looking like a prudish virgin.
"What was that for?" he asked worriedly.
"A token of gratitude for your heroic actions back there." She smiled at him.
17 looked to the side, blushing ever slightly. Goddamn involuntary emotional reaction. Goddamn tight jeans. He coughed into his hand to draw her attention to his face.
Too late for him though, her eyes were faster than his fidgeting. She inwardly let out a sigh of relief. Thank you God, this one isn't gay. Which came as a total surprise for her, all things considering.
"Well, if you thought that was something, you should see what I can do next time!" he boasted confidently.
She laughed, grabbing him by the arm and walking together towards the animal's nesting site.
By the time they left, it was already getting dark. 17 looked around, realizing they were pretty far away from headquarters. He could sprint for it, but she'd probably break her legs trying to keep up with him.
"Hmm, guess we'll have to camp outside for the night" he sighed. The girl hadn't released his arm since this afternoon. She was like a particularly big bosomed leech. Which was a rare type of leech to be sure.
"Well, my house isn't far from here. You can stay the night." She giggled, pulling him towards it.
"Eh, I dunno. I should be going" he tried.
"No, no I insist! You're my guest, after all."
17 rolled his eyes at her. This girl just doesn't know when to quit, does she? What does she think he is, some gullible idiot that will stay by her side just because she suckered him into sleeping the night at her place?
"I'll make dinner for us, You must be starving" she continued.
He wasn't, but he played along.
"Fine, I guess I can stay the night. But only one night, I have places to be!" he raised his finger at her to emphasize his point. He had to go find 18, after all.
10 years and 3 kids later, 17 looked up at the morning sky from the cabin's porch. Oh well, 18 can wait for him one day more.