Suicide, Trains, and God

"What are you doing?"

I looked up from the ground as if I just now had realized he was standing before me, but I had heard the snow crunching under his feet as he approached. "Killing myself."

"Oh." His dark eyes looked around for a moment before finding mine. "Can I join you?"

"I don't see how I can stop you."

Slowly, Fang sat down next to me on the train tracks, sighing a little bit. And for a few minutes, neither of us spoke. Then I found my voice, though it was slightly shrill.

"How did you know where I was?"

"I heard you get up."

"Why did you follow me?"

"I dunno."

"You shouldn't have."

"Why do you care? You're dying anyways."

I let that set in for a second before answering. "Yes. Yes, I am."

When I was younger, I always thought that it would storm as I died. That the sky would open up with sounds of thunder for its anger and rain for its tears, but none of that happened. It was almost as if the world didn't care that the great Maximum Ride, saver of the world, was dying. It was pretty fitting too, seeing as I didn't care about the world either. Not anymore.

A loud owl hooting from somewhere in the dense forest that laid before us made me frown. Well, I guess someone is sad that I'm dying.

"I always figured that you would have children before you died," Fang told me randomly. Though, if ever there was a time to get random things off your chest, before you died was preferable.

"Children are annoying."

"Eh," was his simple answer to this. The moon above us was casting a weird glow on things, making us both look tinted a little. Or maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me. One or the other.

Since he got to say something off the wall, I took my own turn. Though honestly, mine was way worse.

"Remember when we were eleven and you ran off? Where did you go?"

He didn't even take time to think about it. "To the city."

"Why?"

"I thought that I was going to be able to live on my own. It didn't work. I came back."

I wanted to be mad that he was willing to just leave me, but then I remembered that over the years, he had left me numerous times. In his defense though, I was planning on leaving him also tonight. Only mine was permanent.

Again, silence overcame the two of us. It made sense, seeing as the two of us had spent the majority of our lives together. Nothing the other said would matter, really, because we already knew all there was to know about the other. That's why we'd never work together.

"There's no mystery."

"In what?"

"In us," I told Fang softly, sighing. "That's why we never have gotten the timing right or the relationship right. We're hardly friends really, when you think about it."

"I don't see it mattering much," Fang said, staring up at the sky. "Since we're dying and all."

"Yes. Yes, we are."

So we sat there again, in the darkness, awaiting the train to come by and run us right over. Fang had taken to settling into the snow, as if trying to get used to its cold. It was going to leave a big wet spot in his jeans, but I suppose so would the pee. You know, 'cause he's gonna lose control of his bladder or whatever when he dies. Least that's what I've heard.

"I don't believe in God."

I glanced at Fang, but he was still staring into the darkness that was the dense forest before us.

"Then what do you think's gonna happen? When you die?"

"I think," he began slowly, but then stopped for over a minute. "I think that this whole world has been a complete and utter fabrication of my imagination and that when I die, I'll wake up to the beginning of it again. And I'll just keep living it over and over again, for all of eternity."

I let that sink in for a moment before I decided to just go ahead and debunk that little nugget of Fangy goodness.

"That can't happen, Fang."

"Oh?"

"Of course not. That would mean that you're the main character of everything. You're not. I am. I'm the leader. I'm always the leader. You're just a follower. They don't make successful movies and videogames about minor characters, do they?"

He thought for a moment before saying, "That one movie about Catwoman was pretty good."

I blinked. Then, slowly, I said, "You're still not the main character. Sorry. Your belief is a lie."

Again, he was quiet for a moment, as if thinking. Then he asked, "Then I take it you believe in God?"

"Of course I believe in God. What else would I believe in?"

He just shrugged. "Guess maybe we don't know everything about each other after all, huh?"

The snow was falling softly and I wrapped my arms around myself as I got goosebumps. I told myself that it shouldn't matter, the fact that I was cold, because pretty soon I would be dead anyways. Still, a feeling is a feeling and just like pain, you can only fight the cold off for so long.

"If you believe in God-"

"I do," I told him, clenching my teeth, though that was due more to the temperature than anything else.

"-then you know that you're going to Hell, right?"

"What?"

Fang nodded slightly, his too long hair falling in front of his face. It looked like he had dandruff, the white snowflakes sticking out in the black tangles. He hadn't been combing it, I don't think.

"Suicide is a sin."

"In what way?"

"You're killing something, right? Yourself? Murder is breaking a commandment. And without just cause."

I shook my head slightly, wrapping my arms tighter around myself. "There's a passage in the bible that says that if something causes you to sin, you have to cut it off. Pluck it out. My brain is causing me to sin. I have to kill it."

It was his turn to blink, which he did for a moment, before shaking his head again. "That was a metaphor, I'm sure, for something else."

"What do you know anyways? Huh? And if it was a metaphor, why not just write it out as it was meant to be said? Instead of all complicated? So that even a simple person could understand? So there was no confusion?"

"Because it's a book of make believe used to fool-"

"Shut up, Fang! Just shut up!"

That got him to be quiet. For awhile anyways. We did have a limited amount of time left anyways. The train would be coming any minute.

"When have you even read the bible, Max?"

Since she died.

"Since we've been staying with my mom."

He grunted at that. He didn't like staying with Dr. Martinez. I had explained to him how it was only temporary, as the Flock needed some place to regroup after…after what had happened. Temporary was bleeding over into forever though and he had mentioned this many times. The way I see it, it's someone else's problem now.

"I think," Fang began, but then paused again. "I think that if there is a God, you had better hope that you don't get sent to Hell."

Again with the blinking. That time though it was more because I had a speck of snow in my eye. Once that was done with, I glanced over at him.

"What?"

"You heard me." He shook his head, his hair going everywhere. Ugh. "You're not even remorseful for the things you've done, are you? I've known you since we were kids and I didn't even know you believed in God. No. If you die, you're not going to heaven, if it's real. Accept it."

I couldn't.

"Oh, and you are?"

"Oh, no, I'm burning too. But at least I don't act all high and mighty about it."

I pulled my knees to my chest then and rested my head on them, not wanting to look or talk to him anymore. That was okay though, as Fang was a man of many words for once. Right up till the end.

"It's not your fault, Max," Fang said after I didn't speak for at least ten minutes. Maybe more. "It's not."

"I don't know what you're-"

"Angel died of an expiration date. You can't fight that. You can't plan for that. You just have to accept it. It wasn't your fault. None of it was your fault."

And with that, he jumped up, shoving his hands into the pocket of his hoodie, and headed off. I wasn't going to let him go as easy as that.

"What about the train?" I called after him. That hardly put a stop to his walking though.

"There hasn't been a train on these tracks in years. I know it, you know it. We've been living with your mom for over six months now and I haven't heard a single whistle."

"But-"

"Sit out here and freeze to death if you want, Max. That's your purgative," he said with a shake of his head. "Come back to the house when you've finished feeling sorry for yourself though. The Flock needs you."

He stopped then, but only for a moment as he added, "I need you."

I turned my head down then, after he was gone, and cried for awhile, out there alone in the woods. Even the owl didn't hoot.

Then, when I was done, when I was finally done, I got up and headed back for the house. After all, it was time to move on and leave my mom behind again. The Flock needed me. Fang needed me.

And most importantly, I needed me.

I wanted to write some Maximum Ride stuff, but I didn't have anything to write. I found this with some of my incomplete work. It was either do this or another one-shot I started where Fang actually does kill himself. This won out.

Also, does it snow in Arizona? I'm assuming it does. In Texas, we get snow sometimes. A lot recently. I'm assuming Arizona's the same way.