This sucks, but it was fun to write. Thanks for Lola and Becca for their feedback. Now read, and be afraid. Be very afraid.
A Day In Rent!Land
By Dulcey
Roger slammed the door as he walked into the loft. He wasn't particularly upset about anything, but fanfic tradition dictated that he had to be mad both when he left and when he came back. From the table, Mark looked up from his camera, which he had been fiddling with for the last two hours, since he was never allowed to have a normal job or any hobbies unrelated to film.
"What's wrong, Roger?" He asked, even though he'd heard the story a dozen times in the last week.
Roger sighed. "Mimi and I had another fight."
This time it was Mark's turn to sigh. He was secretly in love with Roger, as everyone knew, except apparently Roger himself.
"And don't give me that look," Roger continued. "You always give me that look."
"What else should I do?" Mark demanded. "You know the drill. We fight, I run into my room crying, you come after me, and we kiss. We've been doing this for ages."
"Yeah, and I'm tired of it!" Roger exclaimed. "Why can't we do something different for once? Why can't we go anywhere except the Life and this damn apartment?"
Mark looked around nervously. "Roger, don't talk like that. They'll hear you!"
"I don't give a shit if they hear me!" Roger continued to shout. "Maybe I want to go out for once! Maybe I want McDonald's for dinner! And no offense, Mark, but it's no fun kissing you when you haven't brushed your teeth."
"Yeah, well, you stink," Mark sulked. "Don't you ever take a shower?"
"Forget it." Roger shook his head. "I'm going out. I'll take Mimi to Central Park or something."
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Mark warned.
"Oh, don't be such a baby, Mark," Roger scolded. "Nothing's going to happen.
He shut the door quietly behind him. Suddenly there was a loud explosion, a puff of smoke and calypso music, and he vanished from the hall. The next thing he knew, he was lying in bed beside Collins.
"ACK!!" He yelled. "What the fuck happened?"
Collins chuckled. "You defied the fanfic writers, didn't you?"
"But this is just mean," Roger whined. "No offense Collins, I know you're the God of AIDS Information, but that doesn't necessarily mean I want to sleep with you!"
"Then I suggest you behave yourself," Collins advised him, assuming the role of WiseAdvice!Collins.
Roger shook his head furiously, his hair falling into his eyes, and turning into Mad!Sexy!Roger. "Fuck no! Aren't you tired of this?"
Thoughtful!Collins wrinkled his brow. "I would like to be something other than an AIDS pamplet."
"This is our chance!" Roger exclaimed feverently. "They can't possibly stand up against all of us!"
"I don't know about that," Angel added, her head popping out from underneath the blankets.
"Shit!" DirtyWord!Roger yelped, leaping out of bed. Then he realized he was naked, so he yanked the blanket from off the bed and wrapped it around his waist. Then he realized that both Collins and Angel were now naked on the bed, so he threw the blanket back over them.
"Where the fuck did my clothes go?" Roger demanded.
Suddenly the door flew open to reveal Bitchy!Mimi, wearing her usual outfit of black leather and fishnets. "Roger? What do you think you're doing?"
Roger's jaw dropped open. "Mimi, what are you doing here?"
She shrugged. "I don't know! Mark and I were having sex, and suddenly I was here."
"WHAT??" Jealous!Roger bellowed. "You slept with Mark??"
"You slept with Collins!" She yelled back. "And Angel too!"
"That wasn't my fault!" Roger whined. "The fanfic writers made me do it!"
Mimi sighed. "Roger, I don't want to go through this again. There are no fanfic writers and you know it."
Suddenly a bolt of lightning materialized out of nowhere, and struck Mimi dead.
"What did they do *that* for?" Roger complained.
"Roger, this is your chance," Good!Idea!Collins advised. "Mimi died so you could be free to be with Mark."
"But I don't *want* to be with Mark!" Roger complained. "He smells funny!"
"I do not!" Sensitive!Mark cried, crawling out from under the bed, his eyes brimming with tears. "I thought you loved me, Roger!"
Roger looked down and realized he was still naked. Even worse, his member was slowly starting to rise and point at Mark. "Hey!" He scolded, slapping it down. "Stop that!"
He yanked the curtain down from the window and wrapped it around himself. As he was doing that, Suicidal!Mark ran past him and locked himself in the bathroom.
Exasperated!Roger sighed. "Not this again. Can someone else get him out of there?"
Collins shook his head. "It has to be you. You know that."
"Why don't I ever get to talk?" Angel complained. "I never get to say anything!"
"Be thankful you're even here," Collins told her. "Usually you're long dead in these stories."
"Oh, that's right." Invisible!Angel retreated back under the blanket.
"I'm not dead and I'm never here either!" Maureen complained, dropping from out of the air vent because the author was running out of clever places for characters to appear out of nowhere from.
"Me either!" Joanne chimed in, bursting out of the closet. "Maureen and I might as well be dead for all the coverage we get in fan fiction."
"That's because you're not as interesting," Cocky!Roger shrugged. "Can I help it if everyone loves Mark and me the best?"
"Speaking of Mark, shouldn't someone check on him?" Concerned!Collins asked, nodding toward the bathroom. "He's been in there awhile."
"Marky!" Dramatic!Maureen shrieked, pounding on the door. "Are you all right, pookie?"
"Leave me alone!" Suicidal!Mark moaned. "Roger doesn't love me! I want to die!"
"Roger, do something!" Maureen pleaded. "I hate seeing him like this!"
"Oh, all right," Roger sulked, storming over to the bathroom door and tripping over Mimi's body on the way. He pounded on the door even though he wasn't all that mad. "Come on, Mark, we went through this yesterday."
"But I have to do it!" Mark wailed through the door. "The fanfic writers say I do!"
"Mark, you have to resist them!" Inspirational!Roger called to him. "You can do it! I know you can!"
\
Joanne looked at Maureen. "Have you ever seen Inspirational!Roger before?"
"Why can't I be Inspirational!Maureen?" She sulked. "I never get to have an exclamation name!"
"Yes you did!" Joanne argued. "You were Dramatic!Maureen just a little while ago!"
"But I'm always Dramatic!Maureen!" She complained. "I want to be something else!"
"Well, you can't!" Professional!Joanne argued.
They would have continued to argue, but the author quickly grew bored with writing dialogue for them, so they were whisked off to a distant corner of the world where they might yet be.
Meanwhile, Mark still showed no signs of coming out of the bathroom. And as the author was getting tired of writing and wanted to move on to one of her other stories, she ressurected Mimi as a sixteen year old.
Young!Mimi blinked. "What happened?"
Roger glanced over at her. "Hey, Mark!" He called into the bathroom. "Mimi's alive again and she's sixteen!"
The bathroom door flew open and Pedophile!Mark ran out, grabbed Mimi, and whisked her through a conveniently placed door and out of the room.
Roger was so stunned that he forgot to be angry. He turned back to Collins and Angel, only to find them rather busy with each other. Finally, he gave up and went out for a walk. Technically, it wasn't time for his walk until four thirty, but he hoped the fanfic writers would allow him to go early to reflect on the very odd day he'd had. The next thing he knew, he was in bed with Benny.
"Enh," he shrugged, and walked out of the room. As he left, the author crept into the room and climbed into bed beside Benny.
The End