Stupid Sexy Sighs

By Cybra

A/N: Happy birthday to Sanji! This is based on a plotbunny I shared with d-hizzle of tumblr.

Disclaimer: One Piece belongs to Eiichiro Oda.

Zoro had never really paid much mind to the idiot cook when they weren't fighting or the moron wasn't swooning over the ladies. The blond seemed to be much the same way in regards to him, seemingly content to let the swordsman be unless he was in the way (by the cook's definition) or bothering one or both of his precious ladies. This mutual, unspoken truce had the pleasant side effect of things staying unbroken on the Merry up until one or the other crossed the invisible lines they'd drawn and got under each other's skin. The resulting damage meant the sea witch would, in turn, yell at them, and Zoro's impossible debt would soar even higher without the aid of Nami's ridiculous interest rates. Really, keeping the truce going was as much for Zoro's wallet as it was for his sanity.

But that was before the night he heard the low and sensual sigh coming from the galley: "Luffy..."

The voice was easy enough to pick out. Zoro had long ago learned to recognize every crew mate's voice,

but Sanji was so much of a ladies' man that Zoro could hardly believe the sigh he'd heard had come from the cook's own lips. So he paused and waited to see if the sound would come to him again or if it'd only prove that he was starting to hear things.

A moan came from the galley this time, sending a shiver up Zoro's spine and a rush of blood to his groin. That sound shouldn't be allowed to exist. It tripped every primal instinct, inviting images of entering the galley to provide whoever was in the galley (likely the slim cook though he still couldn't quite believe it) with some physical company. It was practically a mating call.

Another sigh followed by a groan, the latter a wordless plea that things wouldn't have to end. Zoro caught his breath quickening. The sounds appeared to be the cook's if the voice was anything to go by. As disturbing a thought it was that the blond idiot could make allowances to pleasure himself in the galley so close to the food he treated as well as if not better than the ladies, it did make sense. Merry wasn't very big which limited the options of where one could go to get a little relief, and the galley was the cook's domain.

That, of course, didn't prove that the person the cook was likely fantasizing about was—

"Mmm…Luffy…"

Well, that proved two things tonight: One, the cook wasn't as perfectly straight as he liked to appear, and, two, apparently fantasizing about their idiot captain got him off. Certainly not what Zoro would've expected. Nor did he expect to be turned on by the sighs and moans and throaty invocations of the future Pirate King's name. (Clearly, he needed to visit a brothel the next civilized island they came across if the cook's voice could get that reaction out of him.)

As curious as he was, Zoro crept away from the galley to go find his own quiet spot to relieve the ache between his legs. What crew members did to make the long weeks on the open ocean more bearable was their business as long as the participants weren't hurting any of their nakama and could still do their jobs. It was a policy the swordsman had lived by since he'd first gone out to sea, and just because it was the cook masturbating to fantasies of the captain didn't mean that policy had to change.

He'd just have to be more cautious of when to go by the galley in the future lest he hear those moans again.

Sanji wasn't playing fair.

Really, that was the only thing Zoro could say about the whole situation. The long-legged blond seemed like his normal moronic self despite the fact that every day this week Zoro had heard him moaning Luffy's name late at night. Even worse, the noises the cook made during his fantasies were starting to invade Zoro's fantasies.

And now? Well, this was just cruel.

It had started out innocently enough (well, as innocent as two men going at each other as if they wanted to murder each other could get) when Sanji actually managed to wrap his legs around Zoro's torso, pinning his arms to his sides. The blond had given him the biggest shit-eating grin he could manage so that Zoro could still see it out of the corner of his eye. Stupid cook. The fact that he'd eeled himself under Zoro's guard and grabbed him like this from behind only further infuriated the swordsman.

He went rigid as Sanji leaned forward to hum in his ear, the sound bringing back to the forefront of his mind every time that week he'd heard the same sound in a less-seemingly-innocent position. "Why so tense, marimo?"

Zoro didn't care how graceless it was or how much it broke their own unspoken rules of fighting. He ran towards one of the Merry's walls separating the girls' cabin from the outside world. He whirled about, intending to squish Sanji between the wood and his own body, the cook doing exactly as predicted and launching himself into the air to avoid the hit.

The swordsman didn't even care that his unprotected back slammed into the wood, causing it to creak and Usopp to start screaming that he couldn't keep patching up the Merry for stupid things like this. He focused on the deck, trying to calm himself only for Sanji's shoes to land in view as the cook touched down from his jump.

"What the hell was that?!" the cook demanded, one hand reaching towards him.

"Don't touch me!" Zoro snapped, smacking that hand away with a backhanded strike and not caring how strange it sounded. Anything to distract the cook long enough for the swordsman to slip away and take care of a growing problem.

It worked, the baffled blond staring at him as if Zoro had somehow cut off his own arm which then started to grow into another Zoro like a starfish. Seeing his chance, the swordsman retreated from the impromptu battlefield.

He really, really hoped they reached an island soon.

Long legs coiled around him like boa constrictors, locking him in place as he leaned over the other man. A moan escaped the cook's lips, Zoro not kissing him until the sound was through. He adored that sound, wanted to hear more of it and its equally-seductive brethren.

Instead, he swiped at the blond's throat with his tongue as he pushed his way inside. The cook gasped in momentary pain before releasing a blissful sigh. Those thin hips ground against him, and Zoro started to slowly thrust in and out, allowing the cook to get used to the sensation. It resulted in the most delectable groans and panting.

"Say my name, cook," Zoro ordered, threatening to pull out completely which made Sanji groan at the likely loss.

That blue eye gazed at him, clouded and unfocused as he tried to writhe his way back into position.

"Say my name or we're done for today."

Those gasping lips parted and breathlessly intoned—

"Luffy, you bring that back right now, or I swear I'll be replacing half your meat with vegetables!"

Zoro jerked awake, smacking his head into the mast. Groaning, he rubbed at the sore spot and looked around.

Yes, this was definitely still the crow's nest.

No, the idiot cook wasn't wrapped around him and naked.

Yes, his dreams were now upping the ante when it came to his obsession with the cook's stupid sexy sighing.

And, no, not a single island in sight.

All he could do was bang his head against the mast in frustration.

"Luffy…! Ah…!"

There were new noises and ways to say Luffy's name tonight, and with them came a decided spike in Zoro's blood pressure.

Today had been a rough day. Not one, not two, but three sets of very persistent Marines had taken up pursuit today. They hadn't even gotten to stay on the island long enough for Zoro to find someone to help him forget about the damn noises Sanji kept making late at night in the galley. (Noises he most certainly wasn't intentionally trying to listen in on and definitely wasn't disappointed about not hearing on the nights when the cook didn't make them.) Even more fun, all three sets of Marines hadn't been the usual grunts. Not quite big names but they'd been much stronger than the Marines the crew often encountered. The Straw Hats had won, of course, but not without injuries. Chopper had had his hooves full taking care of each crew member in turn.

The worst had been when Sanji had been sent flying due to deliberately taking a hit intended for Nami. He'd flown through three brick-and-mortar buildings before he'd finally come to a stop midway through the fourth. Chopper had been amazed nothing had been broken though Sanji had clearly hurt like hell. His movements had been that much stiffer for the rest of the day even with Chopper giving him a mild painkiller so he could still cook (against the little doctor's wishes). Though, to be honest, something in the way Chopper had fussed over Sanji seemed a bit excessive to Zoro.

"Luffy!"

This last shout sounded painful yet it held an underlying note of pleasure. As if whatever Sanji had imagined hurt as much as it brought relief.

"Sorry, sorry!" a new voice yelped.

Zoro's eyes widened, jaw dropping.

No.

No.

It couldn't be.

"Here, what if I did this?"

"Ah! Ha…ha…! Ah…"

That familiar little laugh. "Better?"

"Mmm…yes, Captain…" the cook purred.

Up until this point, Zoro had never bothered to peek into the galley. He'd told himself it was to respect the cook's privacy (which it was!), so he'd never thought that maybe someone else really was in the galley with the cook. He certainly never would've considered that person would be Luffy himself.

Tonight, however, he had to look and see for himself just to reassure himself that he wasn't hallucinating…or was it to prove that he was?

Regardless of the reason, the swordsman carefully crept up to the porthole, flattening himself against the wall just to the right of it. He listened intently to see if Sanji had noticed but the sounds from the galley didn't pause for a moment. Okay. On the count of three, he'd take a quick peek.

One…two…three!

He turned and stole a glance inside, flattening himself against the wood again with a soft thump.

"Eh? What was that?" Luffy asked, bewildered.

Sanji gave a noncommittal hum as an answer before giving a whine of wordless begging for more of the captain's attentions.

Luffy, however, wasn't the only one who was baffled. Zoro stayed straight forward out at the sea, his jaw slack and his eyes wide with the left one occasionally twitching.

Had…had he really seen what he thought he'd seen?

Another sigh from the cook hardened his resolve (among other things). Zoro waited a minute or two for the sighing and moaning to fully resume, the only two occupants of the galley clearly distracted, and looked in the porthole. He couldn't see much with just a single candle lighting the space. However, he did see the captain's back with that infernal straw hat blocking a clear view of the cook. Sanji's jacket lay forgotten a foot or two away from his right hand peeked out from beyond the hat's wide brim, fist clenched on top of the wood. Luffy seemed to even be bent over him, rocking back and forth as Sanji leaned over the tabletop.

Zoro's brain stalled as he gaped.

Sanji and Luffy.

Sanji and Luffy.

And they were…on the galley table…!

Unable to fully wrap his mind around the idea, Zoro abandoned the scene.

"Say my name, cook," Zoro rumbled, leaning down over the bent-over form of Sanji. "Say it, and I'll let you come."

Sanji panted, sweating and fingers clawing at the galley's tabletop, ruining his nails. He moaned, begging for release, but Zoro held him firmly as he continued to rock against the cook.

"Ah…ha…ha…"

"Say it, cook."

Sanji jerked in the swordsman's hand, finding no relief, so he blurted out a name: "Luffy!"

Zoro stared down at the cook writhing beneath him. "Lu…ffy?"

"Yo!" Zoro jerked at the hand that landed on his shoulder. He turned to see Luffy there, a huge grin on his face. "I can take it from here, Zoro!"

Mechanically, Zoro got off of the cook, gaping as Sanji had gone limp during the exchange. Luffy stepped in to replace Zoro over and inside Sanji.

"How's that?" the captain purred to the cook, sounding much more mature than Zoro was used to.

Sanji gave a pleased moan louder and stronger than anything Zoro had managed to pull from his throat.

"This is a nightmare…It's got to be a nightmare…" the swordsman told himself as his captain—the man Zoro would've sworn had never even heard of sex—brought the cook to his limit with only a few motions when it had taken Zoro the good part of an hour.

"No shit it's a nightmare, stupid moss head."

Zoro fell out of his hammock, landing face first on the floor of the men's bunk. One shiny black shoe was in front of face. His eyes followed the path up those long legs to where Sanji struck a match to light the latest cigarette in who knew how many today. (Really, it was no surprise that Sanji's lighter had run out of fuel two days ago what with the way the man chain smoked.) He waved his hand to blow out the match as he took a deep drag of the lit white cylinder.

"You awake now?" Sanji asked, sounding more bored than concerned.

Zoro snarled at the cook, getting to his feet and glaring at the blond. Not that Sanji seemed to give a damn. "What the hell do you think you're doing?! Watching me sleep?!"

Sanji tilted his head back, releasing a stream of smoke from his mouth over Zoro's head. Then he tilted his head forward and glared directly at the green-haired man. "Breakfast."

"Huh?"

"You didn't show up for breakfast. Nobody skips my meals, shithead," Sanji said coldly. Not surprising. He took feeding people very seriously despite all the blond's many faults. "I came down here to drag your ass up to eat and found you muttering about some nightmare in your sleep. That and you kept saying my name." Sanji grinned. "I'm kicking your ass even when you're asleep. Good to hear."

"In your dreams, curly brow!"

"Ohhhhhh?" Sanji quirked one of those same eyebrows. "Then what else could've shaken up the Demon of the East Blue so badly?"

"Shut up!" Zoro stormed past Sanji to start climbing towards the deck. He ignored Sanji's mocking chuckles and the way his face felt hot.

A week after obtaining knowledge of Sanji and Luffy's late-night activities, Zoro had to be quietly amazed by how low-key the pair kept it. Luffy still tried to steal food off of his nakama's plates along with beg for extra snacks and portions. Sanji still would yell at the captain and literally kick him out of the galley when he lost his temper. The whole thing was so normal that Zoro wondered if it was meant to look that way.

Really, he had no idea that Luffy even knew the concept of discretion much less be able to keep a relationship a total secret.

After a night of avoiding his favorite listening spot near the galley, Zoro returned, hoping to gain more insight. Luffy was usually very quiet…or maybe it was just the distracting nature of the cook's stupid sexy sighs that made it more difficult to hear him. Regardless, the swordsman had managed to uncover the routine.

Sanji would work late in the galley doing extra cleanup or prep work for something that would be cooked in the morning. That was normal even before Zoro had heard Sanji's pleased moaning the first time.

On most nights, Luffy would enter the galley after everyone except the person on watch had gone to bed. The lights would dim to that of a single candle. Then there'd be the sound of clothing being shed and the noises that haunted Zoro's fantasies would start up. The brief glances he stole had the pair leaning over the galley table together or Luffy holding Sanji in his lap as his hands wandered about. What exactly they were doing was obscured by the dim light along with how Zoro never seemed to position himself in a spot that allowed him to see anything but the pair's backs.

Zoro pretended to sleep as he mused over it all. Really, he'd known for a week, but the cook and the captain? He still couldn't quite comprehend it. Then he'd started thinking about how much it could work.

On the surface, there was the simple fact that Luffy loved food and Sanji was the one who made the food he loved. Therefore, Luffy loved Sanji by extension. Even though he claimed he hated how Luffy would just gobble the food down, Zoro had seen how Sanji would periodically affectionately smile in the captain's direction, just quietly reveling in the way that Luffy enjoyed his cooking.

But there was more to it than that. Luffy was their leader and could be incredibly selfish. Sanji was the cook, a position intended to serve the rest of the crew, and could be giving on a borderline insane level. They both fought solely using their own bodies even though Luffy had powers and Sanji had none. Sanji was always the first to jump in after Luffy started drowning. Plus who knew the full story of what had happened while Luffy had been pressganged into service on the Baratie?

The more Zoro thought about it, the more he had to admit that the pair complemented one another well. He had no real claim on the cook (not that he wanted one!) but those damn sighs had been useful in helping relieve some of the stress of not being able to spend some time on land in the company of a woman. Knowing Luffy was the one responsible for those sounds rather than just a perverted cook's fantasies of the captain, well…somehow he felt jealous and couldn't put his finger on exactly why.

And each night he listened to the cook and the captain's late night activities, the closer he came to snapping.

Then one night he did.

They'd been so close to making port but Nami had decreed the rocks surrounding it too dangerous to sail through at night. Therefore, with a chance to finally rid himself of the need to listen in so close yet so far away, they'd dropped anchor.

He'd headed towards the galley to steal some sake when, again, those sighs reached his ears. He should've walked away. At the very least, he could've at least hidden in his usual spot to listen until they were done.

"Luffy…" Sanji practically purred this time.

That maddening need to know why, how, and for how long this had been going on for overrode Zoro's better judgment. He boldly opened the galley door and stepped inside.

It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the dim candlelight. What he saw made his jaw drop.

First of all, both young men were fully dressed aside from Sanji's jacket resting on the table. Sanji was leaning back against a grinning Luffy as they sat on the pulled-out bench. Luffy's arms snaked around Sanji's torso as one hand held one of Sanji's and the other deftly massaged away at it before working its way up Sanji's wrist.

Luffy grinned up at Zoro as he continued his ministrations, a boneless Sanji resting comfortably in his arms. "Hi, Zoro!"

It took the swordsman several minutes to find his voice. The scene in front of him was so at odds with his expectations that he couldn't even think of how to form a coherent sentence. "What are you doing to the cook?"

"Helping!" came the chirped response as if it should've been obvious.

"...How...?"

Sanji gave a lazy sigh as Luffy's hand continued massaging its way up his arm. "Just take your booze and go, marimo. I...mmmm..."

Whatever the cook was going to say next was lost forever as Luffy seemed to hit a sweet spot and the cook's thought processes apparently abandoned their previous tasks like school kids being told they could go home early.

Zoro swallowed hard at the blissed-out look on the cook's face as another of those stupid sexy sighs snuck past his partially-parted lips.

Luffy kneaded at Sanji's shoulder for a minute before working his way back down the cook's arm. "You wanna help, too?"

Zoro swallowed dryly, his mind once again drawing a blank. He couldn't believe just how wrong he'd been with his assumptions. It took a few tries before he managed "With what exactly?"

Sanji started to protest but further melted as Luffy's hands released his hand and turned their attentions to his collarbone.

"Remember that huge fight last month with those duck guys?" Luffy asked cheerfully. "Sanji got really banged up, and Chopper said he needed medicine but we'd have to get it at the next island. He told me what to do so that Sanji didn't have to take as many pain pills until we could get what he needed. Something about them not being as good the more you take them, I think…? Ah well."

Duck guys? Oh, the Hawk Pirates. (Really, whoever had drawn their Jolly Roger had done them no favors.) Now that Zoro thought about it, they'd been an excellent crew to test their strength against as they continued their trip along the Grand Line. If he remembered correctly, the cook had taken a lot of punishment from the second-in-command though he'd kept going with his job after the battle was over.

"But Chopper didn't have time to get the ingredients at the last island," Zoro realized, the pieces clicking into place.

Of course Sanji would have this done at night where Zoro and the girls couldn't see his weakness. Of course Chopper had seemed more concerned than normal in the aftermath of those Marine attacks. His patient had been fighting while still injured and had been thrown through multiple walls while doing so.

The cook's primary weapon was his own body. Luffy was, in essence, helping him perform weapons' maintenance.

The nagging mystery solved at last, Zoro went to the cabinet and reached in for a bottle of booze.

"You sure you don't wanna help, Zoro?" Luffy asked innocently as Sanji nuzzled Luffy's neck, purring, as those fingers kneaded away at his collarbone.

Zoro shook his head vigorously as all his blood started making its way south. Grabbing a bottle without looking, unable to tear his eyes away from the scene, he left the galley in a hurry. Only when he was outside did he realize that he'd grabbed one of the frou frou wines Sanji preferred instead of sake. He reached for the doorknob, wanting to head back inside and get a real man's alcohol.

"Mmmm…don't ever stop..."

On second thought, Zoro could use a cold shower more than sake right now. Tomorrow morning couldn't come soon enough.