What Frodo really thought
Chapter 1: A Long Expected Party
It all started with Uncle Bilbo – well I call him Uncle he's really a cousin, something or other removed, ( I wish someone would remove some of my cousins but more about that later.) Anyway the old boy is getting on a bit, and like a lot of old people he can be difficult. He seems to expect me to do most of the work around here and he barks out orders day and night. "Frodo get the door!" "Frodo make the tea!" "Frodo open the window!" "Frodo there's a terrible draft in here!". Give me a broom and I'll stick it somewhere and sweep the floor as well! I think you get the idea?
Anyhow he had this ring he brought back from one of his excursions some years back and it could make you invisible; a very neat trick that. I suspect he was using it to spy on some of the hobbit lassies when they were undressing – the old pervert!
To tell the truth he was a bit obsessive about it but I put that down to his normal eccentricities although normal is probably not the right word for Uncle Bilbo. Still he is 111 next week and there is going to be a huge party but the downside is lots of relations you would rather not see; still there will be plenty booze and lots of grub.
I was getting fed up of being in the house what with uncle's grumbling and an endless stream of people coming and going - can't they read? The note on the gate was supposed to keep people out - fat chance! So I sneaked off for a quite read and an eyeful of this month's centrefold hobbit lass –very tasty. But I had no sooner got comfy than I heard singing – well I say singing, it was really more of a mutter bearing a very slight relation to a tune. It could only mean one thing.. the Wizard was back – damn!
This guy Gandalf is serious trouble' if you don't keep on his good side you are liable to end up sitting on a lily pad catching flies with your tongue, so I put on my best smile and did the old "you're late" routine. (we do this every time he passes through). I brought him up to date with things and he scared some of the village kids by setting of fireworks as we went past. I swear to you this dude has never heard of Health and Safety. I made my excuses before we got back to the house and disappeared down the pub for a well-earned drink.
The day of the party came and I'm sitting with Sam. I quite like Sam but the guy has some issues he needs to work through. I swear he's stalking me, every time I turn around there he is – with that idiot grin on his face. I made some fairly broad hints to him about paying more attention to girls and in the end I had to shove him into Rosie Cotton's arms. I decided to make a getaway while he was busy and ran straight into Uncle Bilbo who by that time was a little the worse for wear, having been on the ale and I suspect some of the Gaffer's moonshine as well. He did that thing that drunks do while they're still at the happy stage of telling me he was very fond of me. Next he would be crying on my shoulder and trying to hug me so it was probably fortunate that my idiot cousins, Merry and Pippin, chose to set off the firework Gandalf had been planning for his finale. He got them washing dishes which kept them quiet for a while and Bilbo decided to give a speech. Of course he felt he had to do a party trick so he used his stupid ring to disappear. I think it would be a lot more useful if you could use the damn thing to make other people disappear and I could give you a few suggestions…..
Chapter 2: Ring a ding!
Turns out the old boy has scarpered and left me the house and just about everything else. Call me Mr Suspicious if you like but I just knew there would be a downside. Turns out he left me the ring of invisibility …Good you think? Think again! The ring belongs to the Mr Big of the bad guys in Middle Earth but Gandalf despite him claiming to be wise only suspected this recently. I mean Uncle Bilbo had it since before I was born and the daft old wizard never figured it out till now! Anyway just in case some of the evil henchwraiths come knocking and inform me that "Mr Sauron ain't happy" I have to make a run for it. But get this; Sam is coming along too. So not only do I have an evil ring and bad guys after me I also have the over affectionate Sam to contend with. Gandalf has gone AWOL so I set out anyway and just to compound my recent run of bad luck I am run over by my two idiotic cousins Merry and Pip. (remember what I said about removing cousins?).
We walk over some fields, we walk some more then we walk. We get chased by the men in black, we run, then we go back to walking. My blisters have blisters. We get to the Prancing Pony where we are supposed to meet up with Gandalf. Instead after getting patronised by the innkeeper Pippin gets drunk starts gabbing, and when I go to stop him I fall and the ring lands on my finger. Then things get freaky. Even in my experimental days when I smoked more than Longbottom leaf I never had a trip like this one. There is this eye surrounded by fire and weird voices. I remove the damn thing only to be grabbed by a very scruffy tall thin guy who drags me upstairs. I am now seriously alarmed.
Turns out scruffy thin guy is a friend of Gandalf and after half scaring me to death he insists we all spend the night in one room and …one bed! So Merry, Pip and Sam all pile in – I'm not having any of it so sit on the edge with my arms folded. Strider (Name tall thin guy says he is called t) sits in the chair. Round about midnight, Mr Sauron's Hench wraiths turn up and start screaming the place down. I find out later they tried to make kebabs out of us. Anyhow we get the story about these bogymen form Strider – as if we weren't un-nerved enough.
Strider tells us we are" going into the wilds" whatever that means, I soon find out …more ****ing walking! And not just through nice green fields either. There are swamps, there are midges, there is snow and all the time Pippin is moaning on about how hungry he is. I must admit though my little cuz has a point. We either get apples flung at our heads with worrying accuracy, or burnt deer, Bill the pony is beginning to look quite tasty and if we go on much longer I suspect even Sam will begin to look quite appetising.
Remember what I said about kebabs? I know what one feels like. We stopped for the night in these ruins of an old fortress. And what does our scruffy hero do? He only goes and has a look around leaving my idiot cousins and Sam in possession of sharp weapons – not the wisest of moves. I decide to have a nap but wake up to find that, just in case the nasty wraiths have any trouble finding us, the boys have started a fire. It has the desired effect and fairly soon the nine men in black turn up for a cosy campfire roast using us as the marshmallows. I try to be inconspicuous but discover too late that putting the ring on makes me more visible to these guys – now I know what a pincushion feels like. I have vague memories of the scruffy hero turning up and beating the wraiths off for a while and then he decides he will try a little Strider type first aid. This consists of him chewing up some leaves and putting it on the large hole in my shoulder – talk about hygienic!
Chapter 3 Time Out
I'm a little confused as to what exactly happened next. Either Glorfindel rode with me to Rivendell and Gandalf caused the Bruinen river to temporarily drown the wraiths or Arwen did all of it. I must have been really out of it not to know which, even if some elves do look a bit androgynous (more of that later).
So I'm in Rivendell and for the moment in a nice comfy bed, the downside is that Gandalf finally showed up and is smoking right next to me! In a sick room! I ask you! Also Sam is rather over-pleased to see me and holds on to my hand for a very long time. Lord Elrond (the head honcho around these parts) gives me a very nice welcome so for now things are looking up. You would think by now I would have guessed that this meant that events were about to take a downturn but I am still a glass half full kind of hobbit. Actually I am more of a 3 glasses full hobbit but I digress.
Uncle Bilbo is here as well and the old boy is looking..well… old. He could seriously do with some anti-wrinkle cream but it hasn't been invented here, also elves don't need it being immortal.
Sam is packing up ready to go home and that sounds good… if we can get back without walking all the way. Some dudes turn up as it transpires Elrond has called a secret council. I get an invite so do Gandalf and Strider who has taken some time out to have a bath and wash his hair. It seems that Arwen, Elrond's daughter is his girlfriend but, get this, Elrond is also Strider's adopted father so the guy is actually in love with his sister! No wonder he usually looks so miserable.
Chapter 4 The Council of Elrond
I don't know about you but if I was organising a secret council I would have it in a locked room with trusty guards on the door and patrolling under any windows. Not so: Elrond, who is unaccountably counted amongst the wise, has his 'secret council' out in the open with lots of pillars and bushes for people to hide behind.
Present at this shindig, apart from the aforementioned, are some dwarves, a rather classy looking man who despite travelling a long distance looks a lot cleaner than Strider ever managed, and some very pretty elves. One is so pretty that I have a little trouble working out whether or not said blonde is male or female. Elven clothing is not much help here since Elrond is sporting a rather fetching robe and a shiny headband. Pretty elf is wearing a long top over leggings and I'm still confused over the whole Glorfindel/Arwen thing. Perhaps Strider is in love with Glorfindel?
For some reason in the middle of this secret council clearing there is a small stone bird table but there are no peanuts or birdseed and if it is a bird table it has been well scrubbed because there are no bird doodas either. I am instructed to put the ring on the table and it attracts the attention of Boromir the classy looking guy. He starts going on about some dream he had and looks set to pick up the ring until Gandalf starts swearing, at least that's what it sounds like. The sky darkens and all the elves get headaches. Then the arguments start. Legolas (the pretty one) starts to defend Strider when Boromir has a go at him (Perhaps Strider is in love with Legolas?). Seems Strider is actually some sort of king! Boromir says his people don't need a king and the whole thing erupts with everyone talking at once. It is here that I make the worst mistake of my life.
I start muttering to myself about Elrond's supposedly inspiring speech, you know the one where he gets to say "DOOM" quite a lot. This is how my (vocal) thoughts are running – "One of you must do this"; 'One of us?' 'I don't here you saying I will take the ring'. The thing is that this last bit comes out a bit louder than I intended because by that point I am sick of the whole business. Unfortunately for me it coincides with a lull in the conversation and the idiots assume I am offering to take the ring. I try to wriggle out of it but saying ,quite truthfully, that I don't know the way but Gandalf is right in there offering to help; swiftly followed by Strider, Legolas and Gimli, who is a dwarf and they all look the same to me. After a moment Boromir makes up his mind to come along as well and the patronising git calls me "little one". I swear I would kick him somewhere painful if I could reach!". Then guess what?, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse Sam and my idiot cousins appear from behind handy pillars and bushes and announce their intentions of joining in this crazy quest. Oh joy!