I ran. Ran faster than I ever did before.
Not just because there was about to be a massive explosion, but because I just wanted to get the hell away from there.
Throughout the entire time I've been in this godforsaken wasteland I've experienced many horrors. Empty and barren vaults that make me think of what's going to happen to my own vault if I didn't succeed at finding the water chip and stopping the Master's Army. Mutated creatures that ranged from large rats to dogs and people spliced together to create unholy abominations. Desolate ruins of a world from a bygone age.
And the Master himself. My God. Something so disgusting, hideous, and outright insane that I held back every bit of survival instinct I had in order to calmly convince him that his plans to change the world were flawed. He responded by setting the Cathedral to self-destruct and therefore, killing himself. The truth was too much for him to bear.
I went behind the wall of a mostly destroyed house to take cover from the blast. It probably wouldn't be strong enough to hold completely, but hopefully my power armor could make up for that.
Soon, I heard the explosion. Sounds of windows shattering, the sounds of cries and screams of the cultists who were outside the Cathedral. Part of me felt bad, but then I remembered these same people were willingly giving their lives to serve the Master, and the feeling almost immediately passed.
As expected, parts of the wall fell off. But thankfully, it was able to hold. Soon, it was over.
It's over…
I walked out to look at the results of the destruction. The Cathedral was no more. There were bodies sprawled across the ground, many of which are horribly burned from the blast itself or ripped apart by the shrapnel and debris.
I took a deep breath, turned around, and looked for someplace quiet to collect my thoughts.
I went into an old empty house. It was still intact mostly. Save for the broken stairs, the rubble, the creakiness of the floors and the pile of feces left behind by what I presumed were rats.
I found a chair in the corner, I got out of my power armor and just sat down.
I blankly stared at the floor. Looking back at everything that has happened to lead me to this point.
All I was asked to do was find a water chip. All because the one we had previously was faulty. The Overseer could have picked pretty much anyone else but by some bad luck, or perhaps good luck now, he chose me.
Things didn't seem so bad initially. I found a nice little town in the form of Shady Sands and even met Ian, who at first came along just to help with the Radscorpion cave, but chose to help me out a bit longer. Soon he chose to stay with me and fought with me to the bitter end.
Others joined us. Tycho, Dogmeat, and Katja. Despite all the nasty things I've seen they were able to help me and became the closest friends I've ever had. I was always a bit of a loner in the vault, and really I only chose to have these people help me out of necessity. That and I liked reading about dogs and thought it would be fun to have one around. Seeing as how we never had pets in the Vault.
It didn't really occur to me how much they meant to me until one by one, they died horrible painful deaths to the Super Mutants. Ian burned to death by being hit by the blast of a flamer. Tycho was mowed down by a minigun. Katja was blown to pieces by a rocket launcher. Dogmeat tried to limp away after fighting with a super mutant only to be split apart by a laser blast from that same mutant. The bastard was even laughing about it. I took great pleasure in killing him in particular.
And that's not even counting the other people who gave their lives for my sake.
Two Paladins from the Brotherhood of Steel gave their lives to help me destroy the Mariposa Base. And some members of the Followers of the Apocalypse attempted to help me destroy the Children of the Cathedral, but died horrible deaths as well.
So many people died for my sake. All so I could save my own Vault. Even when I return home, their deaths will forever loom over me.
Home…
I looked down at looked at my blue and yellow vault uniform. I kept this on underneath my armor the entire time to remind me of what I'm fighting for. And I remembered.
It was over. I could finally go home.
So I went back into my power armor, and I began to make my way back to Vault 13.
Over the next few days I suddenly felt chills and shakes. All I could think of was that I wanted more Buffout. I took some of that stuff over the course of my time out here to help me carry and move things. As I wasn't naturally strong. Even with the power armor I took Buffout to make things easier on myself.
I craved more. I was about to reach down into my pack to take some more, but I stopped.
I realized that I was addicted.
Dammit. Dammit dammit dammit.
The entire trip home was maddening. I desperately wanted to get my fix, but I fought back with everything I had. Once I get home, I'll get treatment. The vault's doctors will help me through not just this but all the things I've experienced out there. I could slowly but surely reintegrate myself back into my life there.
Soon my thoughts about the Buffout were over taken by my thoughts about what I'm going to do when I go home.
Now that I've killed what is essentially an entire army and overcame many other things, perhaps I could finally find the courage to ask out that one pretty girl I bumped into and briefly talked with at the Vault. Being a loner, I didn't have much in the way of friends. I talked with people, but I kept myself at arm's length and chose to stay in my room. Watching holotapes of old movies, reading old books, and generally keeping to myself.
But this girl, I only talked with her once, but for some reason I couldn't stop thinking about her. I've always had trouble with girls and rarely did I ever act on my feelings. To me, it felt impossible.
Now though? Should be easy as cake. What's one girl compared to that of something like the Master? If I could change his ways then I could totally ask a girl out for a drink. Maybe even more….
Plus, I was a hero. That would make things even easier! I began to feel more and more excited to go back home as the days rolled by. It helped distract me from everything else.
Before I knew it, several more days have passed. And I finally arrived at the cave leading to my vault. It felt so long ago that I first came through here. Absolutely terrified out of my mind. The giant rats, the darkness, and the initial reaction to seeing the sun and sky for the very first time. It all felt so overwhelming.
Now? It's merely a pleasant memory. I walked down the cave, took a left and eventually saw the familiar door with the number '13' on it.
By this point, my shakes and chills have gotten worse, and I was finally relieved to be back. As soon as I get inside, right after I hug my mom and dad, I'm going to go straight to the doctors and they'll help me. Everything was going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home. I'm home! I'm home! I'm HOME!
And then, the vault opened. Not even before I made it thirty feet in front of it. Were they all waiting for me? To surprise and congratulate me?
No, it was just one man. One man I've grown to resent and despise over the time I've been out here.
The Overseer.
The one who sent me out to begin with. The one who sent me back out to do the impossible right after I already got him that stupid water chip. I argued with myself that what he did was reasonable. That it was for the good of the vault. But I still hated him.
He walked up to me. Having to look straight up at my face because the armor I was wearing made me a good two feet taller.
He had a relieved look on his face.
"You've done it!" he said with a smile and tired and haggard sounding voice.
"That's…. wonderful. Amazing! I'm so proud of what you accomplished, what you've endured."
I was about to thank him before he started talking again.
"There's no way the people of the Vault can ever thank you enough for what you've done. You saved all our lives. Who knows, maybe even saved the human race."
As nice as this was all to hear, I just wanted to go back inside. I just wanted to see my parents, the few friends I have, and the doctor. And then perhaps that girl. But again, before I could say anything, he sighs.
"Yes… That makes the rest of this even harder."
Huh?
The smile on his face disappeared, his expression becoming much more serious.
"Everyone will want to talk to you. Every youngster will look up you, and want to emulate you. And then what?"
I took a few moments to process what is happening. He can't possibly be doing what I think he's about to do. Could he?
He looks straight at my face. His brows furrowed.
"They'll want to leave. What happens to the Vault if we lose the best of a generation? What if we are the only safe place in the world? You just gave us back all these lives…"
No…
"I can't take the chance of losing them."
NO!
I was screaming inside my head. But I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Suddenly that scared little boy that came out of the Vault resurfaced within me. I was no longer the proud and confident man who bested the worst the Wasteland had to offer. It didn't matter what I did. What the Overseer says goes and there's nothing I can do about it. Why? Why? WHY!?
"I've made a lot of tough decisions since I took this position. But none of them harder than this one. You saved us, but you'll kill us."
Kill? I'll KILL them?
"I'm sorry. You're a hero… and you have to leave."
...
The Overseer slowly turned around and began to walk back to the Vault.
All these thoughts swirled around my head. I couldn't focus on anything anymore. The world was crumbling around me.
I can't go home.
I won't be able to go back to my room and watch my favorite movies and read my favorite books again.
I won't be able to see my parents again.
I won't get treatment for my addiction.
I won't be able to talk to that girl.
I can't go home.
I'll kill everyone if I do.
I'll kill everyone.
I'll kill everyone?
Kill?
Kill.
Kill you…
No...
I'LL KILL YOU OLD FUCK! I'LL KILL YOU!
Suddenly, the Overseer fell on the ground. Half his body was blown up. His entrails were slipping out of his body as he was pathetically crawling towards the Vault, moaning and crying in pain the entire time. He attempted to bring himself back up, his head looked straight at the open entrance to the Vault, shaking and fidgeting the entire time. Eventually, he fell back down. All his blood flowed out of his body. He wasn't moving anymore.
What happened?
I turned my head slightly to my right.
A gun. My gun. In my hand. It was pointing straight at the Overseer.
Oh no.
No no no no no no no no no no.
Nononononononononononononononononononononononono!
I dropped my gun, my hands went over my head and face. I began to breathe rapidly. I was struggling to comprehend what just happened.
I killed him! The Overseer! The one everyone looks up to and respects! The one who everyone owes their lives to! I KILLED him!
He was right! Absolutely right!
I'm a monster!
The wasteland has turned me into a monster!
I'm no better than those damned mutants who butchered my friends like animals!
They gave their lives for me! And it was all in vain!
The opportunity they gave me! It was dashed! Completely destroyed!
Perhaps I could have convinced the Overseer to let me back in. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't say anything. Instead I did exactly what someone like the Master would have done in this kind of situation. I murdered him. MURDERED him!
What will everyone in the Vault think? My parents would just look at me in disgust and anger. I always felt like a disappointment to them. Now they have every reason to disown me.
That girl? What reason would she have to be with a murderer? I have no right to talk to her now, let alone live in the same Vault as her.
Now they are all without a leader. And it was ALL. MY. FAULT!
Quickly, I picked my gun back up and ran. I ran as fast as I could. Out of the cave, and back into the Wasteland. Where someone like me belonged. Where someone like me deserved to die. Trembling and shaking somewhere in the middle of the desert in the unbearably hot sun.
Before I knew it, I was out in the middle of nowhere. I could no longer see the cave I came out of.
I got out of my power armor, and I stumbled and fell on my knees.
All this pain. All these thoughts swirling around in me. I couldn't take it. I wanted it all to stop.
I pulled out my gun and placed the barrel between my eyes. There was nothing left for me. Nothing but the end of the barrel of a gun. It would be better if I just died here and let whatever lived out here feast upon my corpse.
What felt like eternity passed by. The gun pointed towards me and my finger ready to pull the trigger. My breaths were shallow and very fast. My eyes frantically looking around in all directions. Just do it already! Just do it! Please! Let me die!
…
…
…
I couldn't do it.
I dropped the gun. I fell onto my hands and stared at the ground and screamed. I screamed as loud as I could. Tears rolled down out of me and fell onto the barren sand. Mucus built up and melted out of my nose. My eyes were red and the world just melted all around me.
…
Eventually. It was all gone. I've become emotionally spent. I sat there for a while. The shakes began again. What I wouldn't give for some goddamned Buffout. It made me strong. It made me capable of anything. If it weren't for it, I wouldn't have succeeded and gotten this far. Without it I was worthless. Dammit! I just want one little tablet! Just one!
I quickly pulled out the bottle and took one.
Soon, I'll go back to feeling like my old self. At least for now. For now.
I turned around and looked at the suit of power armor behind me. It was peering down towards me. Like it knew exactly what I did and was silently judging me.
Damn this thing. Damn technology! Despite all the good it has brought us, it brought us even more pain and misery. It's because of our reliance and abuse of it that the world turned out the way it did. Why people like the Master existed, why I had to be sent out of the Vault. Why I can never go back.
The Power Armor helped me feel strong and powerful. That I could do anything. I was able to fight back against the monsters that killed my friends and threatened my Vault. Despite all that, I hated what it represented. Instead of using it for good, people like the Brotherhood of Steel would rather hide themselves away and use it to fend off petty bandit raids instead of helping people. And now, it was worthless to me.
I couldn't let anyone else find this thing. I couldn't let anyone else use it for their own purposes. After a few hours of walking, I went into a cave and took it all apart. Piece by piece. I took out the microfusion pack and smashed it to bits.
And with that, the power armor was pretty much useless. Once again, I was without armor. I became as small and vulnerable as I was when this whole thing began. Only this time, I actually wanted to die. But I couldn't bring myself to kill myself, so I can only hope someone or something else will.
I decided to stay inside the cave for the night. I watched as the sun set in the horizon. I took out my flask. I took a drink. It was a bitter feeling. Drinking from a flask that was given to me by the home I can never go back to. Even has the same number as it. '13'.
I leaned against the cave walls. I was tired. Both physically and emotionally. I wanted to sleep. Perhaps this was all just a bad dream and I would wake up again in my nice comfy bed I've grown accustomed to for pretty much all my life. I would wake up, eat breakfast with my parents. And then go about the rest of my day doing what I normally did. Nothing would have changed.
But then I remembered all the things I saw in the past half a year. This was no dream. This was a living nightmare. One that I'll probably never wake up from.
I slowly drifted off into sleep. Maybe, I'll have a happy dream this time. Maybe I'll dream of that girl again. Maybe, this will all turn out alright.
Maybe…. I'll say…. Maybe.