Author: Antigone a.k.a. Anty
Email: antigone@everymail.net
Homepage: http://antychan.tripod.com
Pairings: Kamui x Kotori, Fuuma + Kamui
Keywords: Angst, Kotori's POV
Rating: R
Summary: About the meaning of being lonely.
Disclaimer: The characters belong to CLAMP. I, unfortunately, don't.
Feedback: Is what I live for.
Special thanks to my betas Cocoa and Emily-chan. This story is for Kouri Arashi. I apologize that I broke off contact once my life got complicated. I still adore you.
The First Of All Pleasures
© Antigone; August 2002
If somebody asked her what's unique about being with him, she'd answer that he never calls out her name. Hasn't, whenever they have been doing this. Kotori is for the aftermath, for the preceding moments of anguish, for the bitter truth beyond sweet oblivion. It's not for his loved one. It's not for the moment a high-pitched "Kamui" is escaping her throat, her slim fingers digging into the skin of his back.
Kotori is for the daring move from one room to the other, for the times they try to be quiet and hope that no one else is awake. She shouldn't bring it up now. Not while their sanctuary protects them from the emptiness that is their existence, not while she tries to forget that it's hers, a lot more than his.
When it comes to Kamui, she is selfish. She knows Fuuma loves Kamui deeply. She knows that he wants to be with him. And she knows it won't be, because of her. Humans can seldom change who they are, and almost never what they feel. Whom they love, whom they desire, whom they want to be with.
Until now, she has said nothing.
But this time, as she can feel his hips quiver a few last times... as he buries his face in her neck, eyes closed, the all-familiar name working its way up from his throat in a needy moan... this time, something that she's been trying to push from her heart refuses to go away. Something deadening. Something much, much worse than guilt.
Shame. Along with the ridiculous need to apologize.
She doesn't want to break the magic, but as she can feel his warm, puffing breath against her skin, she knows that she has to, at least for now. Their encounters wouldn't be magical anymore if he could no longer bear the sight of her face. She starts to slowly stroke the sweaty nape of his neck, then stares up at the ceiling, exhausted. "Anou... are you disgusted with me?"
A cool rush of air streams across her torso as he quickly detaches his chest from hers. Both her hands drop from his body and come to rest on the futon. He looks down at her, a surprised look on his face. "Kotori...?" The question falls from his lips in a whisper.
"Yes, because I need this so much...," her eyes are stinging and she can feel tears forming at the insides of her lids, "...and I know you need him, too. But I'm so unlike him, so weak, and I couldn't ever protect anybody... Not even myself from wanting this, and not you from feeling obligated to give it to me, because of what we are." She reaches out to him and his searching eyes leave her face and glance sideways, to the hand cupping his cheek. "I'm so sorry," she says. "I'm so sorry that I can't change."
Slowly, he raises his left hand, takes her fingers in his and starts kissing the inside of her palm tenderly. "I'm not disgusted with you, Kotori," he murmurs into her hand. "How could I be? How could I despise you for taking what you want more than almost anything in the world, when I wish you could give me what I'm giving you? If you were able to, I'd come to you gladly. I can't begrudge you this, and I would never consider it." He leans forward and presses a soft kiss upon her lips. "After all... we feel the same, and I'm glad I can share this with you. You're the only one who understands."
She thought that she would be relieved by these words. She thought that somehow, an entire range of mountains would be taken from her, that a rush of happiness would wipe the weight on her heart away, grind it to pieces and scatter them on the bottom of her soul, where they would no longer matter. But it never happened. All she can feel is a dull, gaping sadness that spreads to moisten her cheeks and to dampen his eyes.
"Because you miss him as much as I do," and her voice is pained with the knowledge that both their hearts are sick.
There is no need for an answer. Much as their reason for doing this has never really been a question. So she just gathers him into her arms, softly stroking the back of his head; grateful that for a while, he makes the loneliness go away. She can feel him sobbing quietly against her chest and firmly clutches him closer. "I love you," she whispers, faintly pressing a kiss to the side of his neck. "I just wish I could make you see what I see...
(Owari.)
15. / 27.08.2002
Author's notes:
The title is based on Voltaire and Oscar Wilde's quote "Illusion is the first of all pleasures." *coughs* You may now reread from the beginning and be sickened by what this story really is about. (And if you didn't get this, here's the one, ultimate, hint: "Since then, he has already begun to walk the path towards becoming the other Kamui." (Hinoto; X10, page 118.))