First of a collab series by gypsy rosalie and seashell77. And we had way too much fun writing this. This is what you get when you put two insane writers in the same room late at night with lots of tea and sugar at hand. We got to wondering how each of the Boswells became what they were when the show started, and had a great time working out amusing ways of portraying the adventures of each one. This is a prologue to those adventures.

Set pre-series 1, just after Freddie left. The title comes from a line in Series 1 Episode 4.

The atmosphere around the Boswell dinner table wasn't quite right. The five siblings sat around, eyes darting from their Mam to the empty space which their Dad should have been occupying, all of them fearing the worst yet not daring to ask and confirm it.

All except...

'Where's Dad?' Billy asked in his tactless, slack-jawed manner.

'Well...' Nellie looked down at her clasped hands. Joey looked at their Dad's empty space and back to his tense mam. A sigh escaped through his teeth and he shook his head.

'Well,' he sighed. Jimmy's face creased as he looked at his eldest brother, then his mam and then the empty seat.

'Well,' he said shortly, placing his hands neatly on the table in front of him.

'Well,' Aveline echoed, her lip trembling as the realisation came crashing down on was a pause, during which they looked at Jack.

'Oh...yeah...well,' Jack said, trying to pretend he too had figured it out. Billy eyed the whole lot of them, and let his gob take the lead.

'WELL WHAT?'

'Billy!' Joey hissed.

'WHAT?' Billy shot back. 'WHAT ARE YOU ALL WELL-ING AT?'

'I'm afraid I have some bad news,' Nellie began hesitantly.

'Did he...?' Joey's question was answered with a sad nod.

'With...?' Aveline's shrill enquiry was answered similarly.

'And we're...?' Jimmy's head shake was also answered with a small nod.

'So...?' Jack added, arranging his dumbfounded features into a solemn expression.

Billy flung his fork to the table and got to his feet, something which they'd all hoped he'd grow out of by the time he reached his teenage years, but which was still a regular part of his routine.

'Why's everyone talkin' in 'alf-sentences?!' he demanded, shooting what he thought should be a menacing glare at everyone. 'It's like everyone knows summat I don't! All this 'so'-ing and 'well'-ing and 'with'-ing—it's like you're all talkin' another language! And all I asked was where's Dad! It's a simple enough question—why am I bein' ostra...ostrac...ignored?!'

Joey's mouth had been set in a thin line throughout this speech. He stared at his little brother until the lad stopped yabbering. 'Have you done?'

'Well I'- Billy's tirade was halted with a raise of Joey's hand.

'Billy,' Nellie sighed. 'Marriages don't always last forever; sometimes people see fit to break their sanctified vows.' There was a brief pause as Nellie frantically crossed herself. 'Sometimes, son, when times get a bit hard, mammies and daddies might not always see eye to eye. And sometimes...'

She put her hand on Billy's shoulder as she continued, a tear forming in the corner of her eye which she brushed away.'Sometimes...well, daddies get a bit of a wandering eye, and rather than staying to help their family through the troubled times...THEY RUN OFF WITH GREAT TROLLOPY LARGE-BREASTED IRISH TARTS AND ABANDON THEIR FAMILY! THAT LILO LIL,' she fumed, tossing her head and throwing her hairstyle off-balance, 'SHE IS THE MOST TROLLOPY TART THAT EVER TROLLOPED HER WAY INTO EXISTENCE! WHEN SHE WALKS, HER KNICKERS FLASH WITH RED LIGHTS AND ALL THE SAILORS COME CRAWLING OUT OF THEIR STUPOUR! HER BOSOMS FLOUNCE ALL OVER THE PLACE AS IF THEY HAVE A MIND OF THEIR OWN! AND YET YOUR FATHER PREFERS THAT GREAT, COMMON IRISH—'

'Okay, okay,' Joey reached out to wrap his arm tightly around her shoulders. 'I think he gets the point.'

'I just want to make sure he knows WHAT SORT OF WOMAN—'

'Mam,' Joey warned again. 'He gets it.'

'Oh...so Dad left us?' Billy looked dejected at the news and shuffled his feet loudly. After a moment of shared sorrow he raised his head, tilting it to the side and squinting a little. 'But who for?'

'Billy...' Joey warned as Nellie bristled, ready for round two.

'Well what are we going to do now?' Aveline's bottom lip trembled.

'We'll find a way Princess,' Joey assured her.

'We're all on our own now, we either fight or we fall.' Nellie's words rang out like a battle cry. 'We'll stick together as a family, and not let in any irish trollops!' The last two words were spat out like a bad taste.

'I'll get a job,' Jimmy piped up, puffing his chest out in pride. 'I can get a briefcase and shiny shoes...'

'We're a family, we must each go out and contribution.' Nellie said decidedly. 'There are no jobs, no wage packets-'

'But I'll have to change my name...Jimmy is not a name for an office placard...' Jimmy muttered to himself.

'THERE ARE NO JOBS, NO WAGE PACKETS,' Nellie continued, raising her voice to drown out Jimmy's musing. 'So we'll do what the rats did, go secretly and quietly.'

'Rupert...' Jimmy tilted his head to the side, rolling the name around on his tongue. 'Rupert Boswell...'

'We're not going to get jobs,' Nellie said for the third time. 'You saw how much your father brought home as a docksman.'

'Rupert Boswell...'

'There's a cartoon bear called that!' said Billy.

'Well all right, NOT Rupert!' Jimmy snapped, and then his eyes glazed over again. 'Charles...'

'Anyone who wants to survive,' Nellie said, as if neither of them had spoken, 'makes their own money- with the help of that Social Security place. Get on that tomorrow, Joey.'

'Right,' Joey clicked his tongue and nodded.

'And you'll go secretly and quietly, like the rats did...'

'But we're people!' Billy interrupted. Joey chucked a bread roll at him.

'Get what you can, how you can, and trust no-one.' Nellie folded her hands, quite proud of her speech, then unfolded them to raise her finger and add a post-script.

'Especially not cheap, common Irish TARTS!'

'Charles Boswell...' Jimmy said.

'And you are not changing your name!' Nellie shouted.

'But I'll never get a job with a common name like Jimmy!' He protested! 'Employers look for sophisticated names like Edward, or Albert, something that looks good on a business card...something like...' Jimmy's eyes went wide. 'Adrian!'

'Thank you for blessing me with this family!' Nellie appealed to the heavens. 'Thank you for giving them such interesting lives to be so caught up in that they don't listen to a word I say!'

'Adrian?!' Food fell from Billy's mouth as he turned to his older brother. 'What do you wanna be called Adrian for?'

'Because it is a name of note, a name which precedes a chap, and says something of his class and sophistication and...' he stopped to pick a breadcrumb that Billy had sprayed over his jacket sleeve. 'Upbringing. You will now all call me Adrian Boswell.'

'I think this is hardly the time and place for you to be makin' drastic name changes,' Joey said. 'In case you didn't notice, we've got a crisis 'ere, and we need to work out how we're gonna sort it out.'

'You can just as easily sort out a crisis calling me Adrian!' the now Adrian insisted. 'And if you want me to help you sort things out, I'll co-operate better if you use me new name!'

'As you wish,' Joey rolled his eyes, 'now can we get back to the matter at hand?'

'Yeah, you're bein' distracting, Jimmy,' said Billy.

'Adrian,' he was stiffly corrected. Joey fixed them both with a stern look before the bickering recommenced.

'Now, we need to focus on the manner at hand. As mam said, there are no jobs, so we need to figure out how to keep the bread coming in.' Joey announced. ''Ave we got any ideas?'

'We could offer our services as trained mercenaries!' Billy almost choked on his food in his excitement. 'I could quit school and-'

'QUIT SCHOOL?!' Nellie screeched.

'I don't think that's necessary son.' Joey put a hand on his mum's arm as she crossed herself.

'Well now that I have a respectable name-'

'We've got a van; we could move things from one place to another for people.' Jack cut Adrian off.

'That's more like it, someone with sense.' Joey clapped his brother on the back. 'We'll keep that in mind, what else?'

'How about we build a car which can fly?' Billy was wide eyed with the possibility.

'Well if I were to get a briefcase-'

'We could sell some of our things?' Jack suggested.

'We could do, we could do...' Joey muttered deep in thought. 'We could sell other peoples things too.'

'Do ya mean stealing?'

'No son, not stealing.' Joey said in an oily voice. 'Simply procuring items for a niche clientele.'

'How would we convince people to do that?' Adrian scoffed.

'We'd sell it on their behalf son, we'd sell it on their behalf.' Joey tapped his nose.

'What if-' crumbs fell from Billy's mouth.

'Billy, if this has summat to do with robbin' the bank, we don't wanna know,' Joey cautioned.

Billy slumped down against the table, muttering.

'Well now, what've we got so far?' Joey reviewed. ' Sellin' things...'

'A respectable job...' Adrian said.

'Movin' things...'

'A respectable job...' Adrian insisted.

'Okay, a respectable job,' Joey humoured him, 'and I'm gonna go down the Social Security tomorrow and get a booklet, check out how much benefit we're entitled to. That covers the three of us, Billy's too young and too daft to actually do anything useful...'

'I can quit sch—'

'That just leaves you.' Joey fixed his gaze upon Aveline, who stopped filing her nails and shrugged guiltily.

'I haven't thought- oh, Joey, I can't go around movin' furniture and sellin' manky old things! It'd ruin me image! I'm a beautiful girl, aren't I?'

'Well then,' Joey said, 'what contribution are you going to make?'

Aveline shrank down even more guiltily. 'I don't know.'

'That's because she can't actually do anything,' Adrian muttered.

'Well at least I'm not holdin' us up suggestin' ridiculous name changes, Jimmy!' Aveline retorted.

'Eh! Eh!' It fell to Joey to play peacemaker once again. 'It doesn't matter, all right? You just sleep on it, Princess, and let us know when you come up with somethin'. Okay?'

It was about three weeks later, after the drama of Freddie Boswell leaving had died down, Billy's several attempts to drop out of school had been thwarted, Adrian had gotten himself his 'respectable job' (or rather, a job in the real estate company with the worst reputation, which he nonetheless flaunted) and the household was beginning to run smoothly, that Aveline came downstairs to breakfast, triumphant.

'I can help out too Mam, I can use my body to earn some money.' Aveline offered. There was a tremendous clang as the rest of the family dropped their cutlery as one, Joey and Adrian staring open mouthed at their sister while Nellie hurriedly crossed herself.

To be continued...we are working on a series of sequels to this, each providing the amusing account of what a different little Boswell did in order to earn some money. You can probably guess from the ending who's first...