I Didn't Want to Need You
Summary: He drowned himself in memories and guitar riffs because that's all he could do now. Based on Heart's "I Didn't Want to Need You"
1990.
Baby, I never gave my heart to anyone, oh no
Used to think that love was a game...
As the record softly belted out Heart's Brigade, a record breaking album this week, Steven Hyde couldn't help but let his mind wander along with the power and emotion in Ann Wilson's voice, drowning himself in memories and guitar riffs. Music has always been his sanctuary, it has always given him a catharsis; a home when he was homeless. Steven Hyde was a man of Zen, now and forever, but when it came to music, and if he was safely isolated from the world outside of his tiny worn down apartment, then he let it go; the tears of a broken heart, the tears of a broken man. Steven Hyde was a broken man and it's been that way for almost thirty years- he was never complete; the mere product of a drunken mishap, Steven Hyde was someone no one ever gave a damn about. That is until he moved in with Forman and his family. For a moment in time, he felt wanted. But he never felt needed - that is until he met the cheerleader with the mismatched eyes. Up until he met her, gotten to know her - in both the literal and biblical sense - Steven Hyde never believed in love.
He hated her, or so he made it appear. Steven Hyde made it clear on the surface, for nearly four years, that he hated everything about her; it was a way of coping with the very foreign feelings he felt whenever she was around. And he most certainly reasoned to himself that his rage towards Kelso's moronic womanizing behavior was not because he hated seeing the beautifully annoying girl cry but because he hated having her cry to him. Yeah, for four blissful years, he had it all figured out. Jackie Burkhart was simply a nuisance, not the specter of his sexual fantasies and certainly not "the girl of his dreams." Steven Hyde didn't need annoyingly shallow cheerleaders; he craved loose women or women of substance. He wasn't sure. But he knew, this girl, this angel, devil, whatever she was, was something addicting and he could not take that taste because he knew himself too well; once he started, he would never want to stop.
I used to make it just for fun
And then that fateful summer came along. The summer when Kelso, for the final time, ruined the girl. The fateful summer where Steven Hyde would do what he always feared - open himself up to someone else. It was hot, sweaty and The Price of Right was on; they were horny and attracted to one another. Lips collided with one another, flesh met flesh and he became addicted to her and her vanilla scent and the scent of her naivety and innocence. He finally broke and she finally got what she always wanted; a taste of Steven Hyde and for the next three years, they were addicts. But, this summer was simply the beginning, an introduction. Feelings were there but not apparent to either party; Steven Hyde just figured it was pure sexual frustration and once Kelso decided to show his moronic face again, the little euphoria that was Jackie would be taken away for good. So he made damn sure it lasted because he was unsure if he would ever get to taste her, savor her.
But he was shocked when she picked him over her "love." He was genuinely surprised when she looked him into his baby blues protected by his glasses- his security blanket- and told him "I choose you, Steven." She was the only one whoever used his first name in such an endearing manner. It was then Steven Hyde knew he had to have her, there was no going back; she was his heroin, and boy, did he light himself up.
When we spent the night together
Didn't mean it meant that much
Now I just can't live without your touch
But of course, insecurities came about. He became bitter, angry, jealous. And it was all because of her history with Kelso, the biggest moron to ever walk into his life. It was because of Kelso that he lost her for good, the reason he became the way he became. He strayed with the nurse because he was so certain that Kelso, once again, has proven, to be a douche and seduce what is rightfully Steven Hyde's. The question from all this, one that has been haunting Steven Hyde for a long time, is when did he fall for her? When along this tumultuous relationship did he look at Jackie and realize that he cannot breathe, survive without her touch?
Once again, his feelings were there the moment he met her.
But it wasn't until he lost her when he realized how much he needed her, craved her annoying presence. He couldn't imagine how he lived life before her because she brought so much color and warmth into the cold, black and white atmosphere he lived in and once he felt her colors, he never wanted to give it up.
He never intended it to all be this way.
He never intended to his life end up ten times worse than it was before she came.
He didn't intend on needing her as much as he did
I didn't wanna to need you, no
I didn't wanna want you like I do
I didn't mean to fall
Didn't wanna care at all
If Steven Hyde was anything, it was prideful. He can at least admit to that. He knows that the reason why he couldn't stay that night was because he was an arrogant, selfish, prideful bastard. But he could've stayed. He did have the capability, he just chose not to think, chose not to feel, chose not to fight for the woman he loves, the woman he was -and still is- willing to spend the rest of his life with.
He still remembers a certain conversation with Mrs. Forman one fine summer day...a couple summers before the fateful summer.
"Mrs. Forman, I cannot like her, she is everything that I detest in a person...If I like her then shoot me now."
A nervous, signature Kitty Forman laughter, then a finger gun "Bang. Bang."
It was from that conversation and from that date that Steven Hyde should have known that his fate was sealed, that from that moment on, he was no longer in control, he no longer had a say, he no longer could mold the world to his liking; Jackie Burkhart had him wrapped around her little fingers and mismatched eyes.
I didn't wanna need you
Like I need you now
Steven Hyde lives an empty life now; eleven years past and he still cannot let go. She has left her mark, and she has taken his heart all the way to god knows where. Steven Hyde finds no meaning in being an angry, paranoid burnout anymore if there is no one to share that part of himself with, if there is no one to play charades for.
Instead, he's a drunk; Steven Hyde is a bitter drunk, a nasty drunk- he is Edna reincarnate and that only makes him more bitter.
With Jackie, he was a different kind of man, a better man; without her, he is a shattered shell. This is what he can conclude from this remembrance of love lost as the song crescendos into the bridge.
I've always been free
To leave when I wanna leave
But it's not up to me anymore
I didn't wanna need you ...
He was too damn old to still be heartbroken over something that happened a decade ago; too damn old to care about a girl who no longer existed in his world. Steven Hyde was too old for anything anymore. He is thirty, but feels like sixty. It's too late to change the past. And so this is all he can do- get drunk and throw on some cheesy rock record. He drowned himself in memories and guitar riffs because that's all he could do now.
I didn't wanna to need you, no
I didn't wanna want you like I do
I didn't mean to fall
Didn't wanna care at all
A/N: Okay I just needed to write this because I've been on a That 70s binge again and plus, I really love Heart and this song and thought it suited Hyde and Jackie. So this little exercise came from the product of rock n roll.