The Perfect Final Fantasy

(Visiting your local software shop, you go straight to the bargain rack. You look at the box art. It features a young male hero brandishing a sword at you amongst the Final Fantasy logo and bears the words "Final Fantasy XXIV." You wonder if they'll ever give up, but at that point your attention is distracted by a new Megaman game. So I'll take the liberty of starting the story anyway.)

Once upon a time in a dimension far, far removed from you . . . aka your PS____ (whatever number Sony gets to by the time this number of FF's is reached- they've got a nice average of three per system going)

Rain: Ahhhh. . . another day in my ordinary, ordinary life. *leaves his house*

Rain: Hello, perfect world! Hello, grass so green! Hello, blinding sun! Hello. . . er, I'll address whatever you are when I get my vision back. . . there we go. Hello, ancient evil come to ravage my town! *whistles and walks cheerfully down the street, ignoring the calls for help and the general sounds of destruction and mayhem behind him*

Gale: *walks out of a random shop on the street* Why, hello, generally-weather-themed-named Main Character!

Rain: And hello to you, Love Interest 1, my childhood friend! And also, because of our friends at the ESRB who deem things appropriate for children, a girl!

Gale: *shouting to be heard over the sounds of destruction in the background* Does something seem off to you today about our perfect, idyllic village, which is totally safe because we're so insignificant as to be totally ignored by the Evil Empire and put up no defenses whatsoever?

Rain: *also shouting* Why, yes! I seem to be talking a lot louder today!

The Ancient Evil: For Holy's Sake! *crumbles a building in between the two characters* ARE YOU GOING TO FIGHT ME OR WHAT? LOOK! I'M DESTROYING YOUR TOWN! I'VE REVIVED FOR THE  FIRST TIME IN 1000 YEARS! For the love of spoon, somebody notice me! NOTICE ME!

Rain: Oh. Okay, I'll fight. *pulls a metal pipe out of the building wreckage in front of him put there by the Ancient Evil*

The Ancient Evil: Er. . . y'know what, on second thought, I don't think I want to fight.  Yeah. In fact, I'm pretty sure my ancient evil spells and the fact that I'm at least 1000 times taller than you are no match for that piece of rusted metal. So I'll just possess your girlfriend and make her attack you.

Rain: Girlfriend? I take exception to that!

TAE: Well, that's what she is, isn't she?

Rain: No! She's my _love interest_. Not my girlfriend.

TAE: Have you heroes been inbreeding since Final Fantasy 1 or something? *snickers*  Anyway, I've got a date for afternoon tea with the emperor of the Evil Empire. So I'll just knock you unconscious now so you can be a threat to me later, all right? Possession would mean cut scenes- you know, animation- and I think we've already overextended our budget with all this text. A battle would also mean animation, not to mention a battle engine.

Rain: Sure, that sounds- *gets whapped unconscious by TAE*

[The screen blurs, and unless you're drunk, this can only signal one thing. . . a flashback!]

Rain's Father: So, honey, what do you want to name our child?

Rain's Mother: I've always wanted a weather-themed name. You know- something cool like Cloud, or Squall, or Lightning. 

Rain's Father: *sarcastically* Oh, yes, that'll work! Name our kid something he'll be teased for for the rest of his life! Can't you just imagine our son, the 40-year-old businessman, sitting at his desk in the office, and the business card reads "Son of Rain's Father, _____." Whatever goes in the blank. A client will walk in and ask to speak to ____, and the receptionist will say, "I'm sorry, but we don't make a habit of keeping the forces of nature inside our building." Our son will be run out of business! Or what if he becomes a weather forecaster! That'll be horrible for him! "And now, we have _____ with the weather report." "Well, from what I can see, we're going to have ____ in the area of our town, but since it's always ____ing anyway there because of the lack of any real animations, my job is pointless. Thank you, I'm going to go kill myself now."

Rain's Mother: Rain's Father, that's a horrible way to talk about our as-yet-unnamed son! From the way you talk, it makes it look like we're trying to censor our entire game with those blanks! How do you know he'll have intense psychological problems later in life?

Rain's Father: Ahhh, shut up, Rain's Mother! You know I'm only saying that because I had that dream in which he has the long and mysterious past from which he wakes up with no memory of what happened in his past except this one, for some reason. . . can he remember things from when he wasn't alive yet?

Rain's Mother: Wait. Why are you sure our child is going to be a boy?

Rain's Father: Well, that's because--- *disk skips in the PS___*--- and when I woke up, I discovered that TAE was defeated and---- *disk skips again as the PS___ tries to read the disk*

Random Square Writer: [from where he/she/robot is sitting at his/her/robot computer in some other dimension. . . personally, I'm leaning towards the "robot" theory]: Heh, I'm a genius. Making fun of Sony AND delaying plot! Pure originality. *watch beeps* Ooh, time to go back to work on Final Fantasy X-5's story. [and back to our "main" story. . .]

[The PS____, now with an AI at least two times the AI of the current PS2- of course, two times zero is still nothing- decides to be smart and just fast-forward to the next non-cut-scene-part with Rain in it.]

Rain: *wakes up on a platform surrounded by water* Huh. Deja vu. Is Square running out of ideas for locations for the main hero to wake up with after being struck in the head? *starts swimming off the platform*

Rain: Helloooooooo? *sees that he is surrounded by rubble and water as far as the eye can see* Something tells me I'm not in my village any more.

Rain: Wait! There's something I was supposed to do. . . hmm. . . if only I could remember it. . . oh, wait! I'm supposed to have amnesia now! That was it!

Rain: Let me try this scene again.

Rain: *wakes up on a platform surrounded by water* This seem somehow familiar. Where am I. . .? I remember my name, but that's it. . . I don't see any monsters in the water, or an ocean floor for the water, so I think I'll go explore a bit. *starts swimming off the platform*

_End of Part 1_

-And on that ominous note, we leave our hero. . . treading water, as a matter of fact.

Rain: Hey! I can't tread water for two months or whenever it is you decide to update this fanfic again! Why do my parents have a bigger role than me in this chapter?

-Because they were killed when TAE destroyed your village, which is what sends you on a murderous rampage throughout the world to destroy TAE.

Rain: Huh. . . that does make sense. . . wait, my village was destroyed?! *pause* Well, had to get it out of the way, I suppose. Was all that the opening scenes? That was quick!

- Exactly. Well, readers, R/R. Or just R, at this time.

Rain: Wait! That thing you said. . . uh. . .the thing you said before the last thing you said. . . it doesn't make sense!

- See you in two months, Rain.

Rain: Agghhh! I'll drown by then! *treads water*