Chapter One
Ironhide: Prime, you're going to beat Megatron's ass. You're the best!
Optimus: Yes I am, Ironhide. I've waited a long time for Megatron to challenge me a one on one fight. I'm gonna kick his ass!
Chip: What if Megatron cheats?
Wheeljack: Heh! Heh! There's no way he's gonna fucken cheat, not this time!
Spike: But he will! I mean they don't call these guys Decepticons for nothing!
Wheeljack: Fuck that's supposed to mean? That their deception… devious… deceitful… deceptive!
All the Autobots laugh.
Spike: (mutters something under his breath)
Sparkplug: Stop saying stupid shit, Spike!
Chip: But what if Megatron does cheat…
Optimus: Chip, Megatron is not going to cheat. According to Cybertron law, if one cheats in mortal combat, one will lose his honor. Megatron will not want to loose his honor.
Ironhide: There! You see Chip? It's all a matter of Cybertron law! Besides, you don't know anything about Cybertron law.
Chip: I know a little…
Ironhide: Oh shut up!
Trailbreaker: Hey Optimus! You know what you need for the battle?
Optimus: What's that Trailbreaker?
Trailbreaker: What you need is a force field!
He activates his force field around himself.
Wheeljack: He doesn't need that! He's gonna beat the shit outta Megatron!
Optimus: OK. Put down the force field, Trailbreaker. It won't be necessary. I'm gonna beat him by myself.
Huffer: So now you're going to fight Megatron?
Optimus: Yes Huffer. I, Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots, keeper of the Autobot Matrix of Leadership, am now going to take Megatron's fusion cannon and shove it up his ass!
Eerie silence.
Optimus: And with his arm still attached to it!
Another eerie silence.
Ironhide: Well hot-diggity-dog!
Chip: Wait! Just give me about twenty minutes and I can get Teletran-One to monitor the battle to see if Megatron's cheating or not.
Optimus: Don't worry Chip. He's not going to cheat. Autobots lets go kick some Decepticon ass!
The Autobots transformed and drove off following Optimus.
Starscream: The Autobots come, Mighty Megatron!
All Decepticons: BOO! BOO!
Megatron: At last Prime we face off in a mortal combat match.
Optimus: So it is Megatron!
Megatron: I hope you upgraded your weapon arsenal, Prime.
Optimus: You're ready for the scrap heap, Megatron!
Starscream: Fuck you Prime!
Megatron: Big words for a robot that can't even fly!
Optimus: I'll show…
Megatron: Thundercracker, pull a jetpack from your ass and give it to Optimus Prime!
All the Decepticons start laughing.
Optimus: You look like the face on a Quitesson's ass!
Megatron: Ooh! I never heard that one before. My entire reputation is ruined because of you pathetic Autobots!
Soundwave: Autobots inferior; Decepticons SUPERIOR!
Prowl: Fuck you!
Chip: This reminds me of the Roman gladiator fights, eh Ironhide?
Ironhide: Huh?
Chip: Earth history!
Ironhide: Ah shut up!
Megatron: I'm going to beat the shit outta you, Optimus Prime!
Ironhide: Well I hope your ready to get your ass kicked, Megatron!
Megatron: After I kick Prime's ass, I'll crush your spark Bumblebee!
Ironhide: What the fuck? I'm not Bumblebee!
Optimus: Let's go Megatron!
Megatron: Let's shake on it!
An electric pulse soars through Prime's body as they shake hands.
Optimus: A hand buzzer Megatron? So lame!
Megatron blasts the ground that splits apart and Optimus almost falls into it.
Optimus: ARGH! Asshole! You wanna play dirty? Take this!
He picks up a large rock and throws it at Megatron who teleports while leaving a hologram in his place. The rock hits the hologram as Megatron appears behind Optimus.
Chip: Hey! Megatron was never able to teleport before!
Megatron then launches sound waves at Optimus, knocking the Autobot leader to the ground.
Chip: Now he has sound waves?
Ironhide: Chip, shut up and watch the fight.
Megatron launches a missile out of his fusion cannon.
Starscream to Ramjet: He used your missile!
Megatron uses a Seeker gun twice and hit Prime's rear end.
Starscream: That's twice he used my weapons and only once he used your!
Chip: Megatron was never able to do any of this!
Jazz: Shut the fuck up, Chip!
Chip: Megatron is cheating!
Ironhide: Chip, I'm gonna throw you onto that battlefield if you don't shut the fuck up!
Chip: Oh, poor Optimus!
Megatron blasts Prime onto the ground.
Megatron: Now its goodbye Prime!
He launches another missile at Optimus and blasts him to the ground.
Optimus: ARGH!
Megatron: Remember this Prime: don't fuck with the Decepticons!
A mob arises.
Soundwave: Autobots inferior, Decepticons SUPERIOR!
The Autobots start swearing at the Decepticons.
Soundwave: Megatron, the leader, superior!
Starscream: All hail the Mighty Megatron!
Megatron: Now all you Autobots will have to leave this planet and go somewhere in space! Get lost Autobots!
Ironhide: Why don't we beat you Deceptifucks and you go travel in space!
Megatron: Because Cybertron law is Cybertron law!
He and the Decepticons started walking away from the battleground.
Megatron: Now I must attend my party. Energon is on me!
All the Decepticons cheer.
Starscream: Was my null-ray useful for you, Megatron?
Megatron glares at him.
Meanwhile the Autobots are still at the battlefield.
Wheeljack: There's no fucken way that I'm leaving this planet!
Ironhide: Yeah! They can't force us to leave!
Optimus Prime stands up, trembling from the pain.
Optimus: No. Megatron beat me according to Cybertron law. We must comply.
Chip: But Megatron fucken cheated!
Ratchet: Well forget all that for now. Optimus, do you think you can transform?
Optimus: I'll…I'll try…argh…
He started transforming very slowly.
Optimus: Argh!
He farts.
Optimus: Ah dammit!
He continues transforming very slowly.
Optimus: Argh! Fuck me! Argh!
He finished transforming.
Jazz: Now that's what I'm talking about!
All the other Autobots transform and get ready to drive away. Optimus Prime hooked up to his trailer.
Huffer: Do you want me to take that for you?
Optimus: No. If Megatron sees that I can't pull my own trailer, he'll laugh.
He struggles to pull the trailer.
Optimus: You know what? You can take it.
He unhooks himself and Huffer takes the trailer and they all drive off.
Starscream: Hey look! Optimus can't even take his own trailer!
Optimus: You're a true friend Huffer!
They all get to the Autobot headquarters.
Ironhide punches a rock over and over again.
Ironhide: Take this bitch! And this!
Meanwhile Optimus just finishes getting fixed by Ratchet.
Ratchet: There you go! He didn't hurt you all that bad!
Optimus: Yes but he did beat me according to Cybertron law.
Wheeljack: Optimus, are we really going have to leave?
Optimus: I'm afraid so, Wheeljack. I was thinking that we would build a giant spaceship and fly around the universe and look for Energon and stuff, together like a team.
Ironhide: That's sounds boring!
All the sudden Chip did something with Teletran-One which started making all these beeping noises and other sounds.
Wheeljack: Chip, stop fucking around with Teletran-One!
Chip: I'm not just fucking around! Look!
A flash of Megatron combined with all the Decepticons flashed on the screen.
Chip: I got Teletran-One to monitor Megatron to see if he was cheating or not. According to this, he used all the powers of all the other Decepticons!
Ironhide: So Megatron cheated!
Optimus: So he has.
Chip: That's what I've been trying to tell Ironhide the whole fight!
Optimus: Autobots, because Megatron has violated Cybertron law, we will not leave!
The Autobots start cheering.
Wheeljack: So now were gonna beat the shit outta all those Decepticons!
Optimus: We're going back to Megatron and settle this once and for all! Autobots, transform and…
Chip: Go fuck the Decepticons up their assholes!
Eerie silence.
Optimus: I was going to say "Roll out".