Leather and Green
A screwy joint effort between J.T. and Strategos
Chapter One
The lava glowed dully beneath the black rock of the castle, casting soft yellow dancers against cavern walls and moss eaten stone with its murky light. It shifted like a massive, liquid scab across the surface of the dead, haggard land; the few animals that skittered across the barren world poisoned and deformed by the darkness inside them. Well, except the Shy Guys, but the less said about those freaks the better.
Within the confines of this gothic castle, glowing like an impious fetus at the center of its mother's womb, and that was a disgusting description, Yoshi huddled in a corner, the healthy jade of his skin a startling, almost rude contrast to the dull blackness surrounding. Apart from the throbbing lava moat and…the Shy Guys…Yoshi was a living rainbow unto himself inside a thunderhead, trapped.
Bowser, sitting upon his gothic throne and rather liking all this doom and gloom and how many times more we're going to say gothic, briefly cast down his garnet glare at Yoshi, that pathetic green booger on his carpet. If Bowser had carpet, anyhow. Francesco, his interior decorator, had removed it temporarily and replaced it with marble. Bowser was afraid to stand, the floor was so damn slippery and his feet…well, since Mario caught the plague, he hadn't been fighting much. His feet were smooth now. This had pain and falling down written all over it…
"And then what happened, Sir?" Yoshi meekly inquired, watching those…Shy Guys…skittering to and fro all around the damn chambers. It was making him nervous.
Bowser's train of thought (no matter how miniscule it might be) was interrupted by Yoshi's voice, and he again cast a deadly glare at the small dinosaur. "I was thinking. I didn't tell you to speak. Where did I leave off, then?"
Yoshi was quick to reply, volunteering the details readily. "You left off at the part where that brat of yours goes sulking to his room and somehow thinks up some brilliant plan to take over the world. Or something like that, Sir."
"Brat?"
The green dinosaur corrected himself. "Baby. That baby of yours."
For a moment, Bowser's angry, broad features adopted a look of stunned revelation. "Where did I get him, anyway?" He stood, peering under the seat cushion of his throne. "Is there a Mrs. Bowser around here I should know about?"
Then, something incredible happened. Or at least, something unexpected. Yoshi, our green, fashion senseless reptile, opened his mouth to answer the question, but, one of those…Shy Guys…popped up and did it for him. "There is no Mrs. Bowser around here, Maaaster, just usssssss and…." His eyes (I think they were eyes) darted to Yoshi. "…him, Sir. And that boy of yours, too….."
Bowser and Yoshi were both silent for a moment, a little disturbed that one of those creepy little bastards had actually spoken. Bowser went back to searching for his non-existent wife, dismissing the masked freak with a wave of his hand. "Yoshi, kill." He continued speaking only after the Shy Guy's raspy screams died to bloody gurgles, and he cast a pleased glance in Yoshi's direction. "Anyhow, yes. Baby Bowser went about to his room and plotted for a good few hours, and…well, I don't quite know how, but he ended up taking over a place called Russia." He gave a wistful, heavy sigh. "My son is a commie."
Yoshi blinked. "Kamikaze, Sir?"
"Commie, you daft little twit!" Bowser hissed, just as his son went flying past the window shrieking, "I REGRET NOTHING!". Bowser furrowed his brow in worry as his son audibly splashed into the lava. "Alright, a communist kamikaze…"
Shaken by Bowser Junior's display of patronage for his country, the dinosaur (the little one) was silenced again, or at least, (imagine if you will) momentarily. He scampered closer to Bowser, close enough to catch the scent of old leather and tortilla chips that wafted from the bigger dinosaur's direction. If Bowser is not a dinosaur, speak now or forever hold your peace.
Silence? Good. Then I am right. As if there was a doubt. Anyway…
"You must be very proud of him, Sir." Yoshi whispered softly, resting his head on the almost non-existant lap of Bowser and purring.
"I'm going to eat him one of these days." Bowser set a heavy hand against Yoshi's side, running his thumb along the shape of the little dinosaur's saddle.
"Good Lord!" Baby Bowser's screams were audible, barely, from just below the window. "It's fucking hot, I tell you! The pain! How it scalds me! Father! Father, I fear I am not long for this world! I love you! I love you!"
"Someone shut the window!" Bowser shouted, "And if he isn't dead within five minutes, fish him out, I suppose…"
That…Shy Guy….who was supposed to be dead (but wasn't) on the ground, next to that fucking huge throne next to that FUCKING huge window, sat up and started to talk…again! "I'lllllll do it, Maaaaaaaster." The pathetic peon whined, picking himself up off the ground and dusting his bright red robe off. He liked his nice, poofy red robe; you couldn't see the bloodstains on that. He was lucky.
Bowser was becoming annoyed with these inane goings-ons. He rose from his gothic (that's three times!) throne, tucking Yoshi under one arm like a little green football with a fat head. "I am becoming annoyed with these inane goings-ons," he announced, and the redundancy of my paragraph struck three Goombas dead in one fell swoop. He laughed, because the pain of others amuses him, before returning back to the task at hand; which consisted mostly of stomping that damn Shy Guy into the smooth marble floor. Francesco would scold him. "Bah. I hate these things…oh, stepping on this irritating little bitch reminds me…Mario won't be coming to 'rescue' you, will he?" Bowser muttered, sauntering carefully from the throne room with Yoshi still snug under his arm, trailing nasty little Shy Guy guts on the floor behind him (the little prick is still alive, you know).
Yoshi purred, giving a little wag of his [puny] tail and smiling. "No, no. I told Mario I was going on a trip to Isle Delfino and he wasn't to bother me until I got back." He gave Bowser's arm a kiss. "Don't worry."
"I'm not worried." He reached the massive gothic (four!) doors leading to his bedroom, and with a grunt and brief strain, he managed to shove them open against the rust on the hinges. Also, it was a pull door, but if he wants to push it, then we'll let him. He's a big guy.
Once inside the room, which rather looked like a bat cupped its wings into a canopy, Bowser dropped Yoshi smack dab in the middle of the circular bed (that also rotated, if you found the switch). "I hate Mario, that little…uh…" Bowser stared blankly at Yoshi for a moment before he feebly managed to stutter out, "Mustachioed little…guy!"
Yoshi's eyes glinted. "You mean, that fat plumber nitwit with a gut as big as this side of Yoshi Island?" He sat up, kicking his legs over the side of the bed and looking devotedly up at the other dinosaur.
"Right. Yeah. That." Bowser cleared his throat, adjusting the braces on his wrists, biceps and neck. For a moment (we suspect Bowser has ADD), he was distracted by something shiny on the floor, and Yoshi's tiny…paw…hand…thing…rested on the back of Bowser's giant…paw…hand…thing. Reluctantly, Bowser tore his attention from whatever that shiny thing was; and, as the minds of fanfiction readers everywhere exploded violently, Bowser and Yoshi…well, connected faces.
And we move on. If we add details, we will be lynched…but I give you sound effects. (**squishsquish** 'Oh, Bowser, it's so hard!')
-
As Bowser lay panting on the bed behind him, Yoshi sat up on the edge of the satin covered mattress, his 'duties' now fulfilled, and took the time he had to enjoy himself. Contrary to what you perverts might think, the green dude lit up a cigarette. You perverts, thinking he was…enjoying himself….sick, I tell you. Where is your decency?
His big, round eyes searched the cavernous room contently, an uncharacteristically smug grin on his face. Well, it's only uncharacteristic because you can't picture Yoshi having…needs…too. Hey, we all have them.
Eventually, they (his eyes, stupid) rested on the still panting dinosaur behind him, and his grin widened. Also, uncharacteristic of him. "Was it good for you?" His grin became cheeky. "Sir?"
Bowser snorted, gradually pushing his weight until he was properly sitting, the mattress creaking (which it does quite a bit, now that Yoshi's around) beneath his bulk. "Not as good as it could be. That's what eating fruit from the Super Stupid Tree does to you Yoshis, I guess."
Yoshi stiffened, (perverts; I don't mean that his wiener stiffened) the grin wiped off his face and replaced with a withering (work with us, people) glare. His eyes narrowed to slits, and if you think about it, that's kind of scary. "What?"
"If you're giving me a 'withering' glare-" …a brief smirk… "-then you evidently heard me. Yeah. So there."
The green dude turned his head slightly, putting out the now wasted cigarette out…on his tongue…and facing the bigger lizard. "Super Stupid Tree?" he sneered, clearly unamused.
"Yes, Super Stupid Tree," Bowser confirmed, straightening the bedcovers around Yoshi. "Look, you can't possibly expect me to call it the Super…Happy…Tree! That sounds even more gay than Rainbow Road! I'm supposed to be closeted here!" he snapped, "And you, you shouldn't talk…I mean, seriously…I didn't even know Yoshis could talk…hey, look, there's a penny under the bed…"
The little guy snorted back, louder than Bowser before him, reaching up with impossible speed and [trying] to find Bowser's neck. Fumbling for only a few moments, he squeezed the leathery pulp that indeed was Bowser's…throat…*shudder*…and hissed, "It's called the Super HAPPY Tree, BITCH." (Yoshi swore! Omigosh!)
Alright, alright. Let's get this straight (gay, whatever), just for the record, no, Bowser does NOT wear his collar while shagging. That's just…dangerous….Anyway….
"Holy assmonkey, you actually found my neck!" Bowser reached up to feel the skin for himself before he realized he was being choked. He's dumb but we love him. Bowser is special. "I'm sorry already! Geez, stop digging your fingers in like that!"
Yoshi pulled the 'special' dinosaur down (way down) and glared at him, eye to eye. "On your knees and beg for it, bitch." He spat, coldly.
Bowser opened his mouth, either to sneeze, indeed beg, or maybe to recite the alphabet in German, when his door was thrown open. "Father!" Baby Bowser cried, covered in scalding lava, "I live!"
Bowser glanced at him once before he looked back at Yoshi, and whispered, "I'm not sure I even have knees."
"Then grow them, bitch!"
To be Resumed at a Later Time…
-
J.T.: Alright. We will be continuing this, never fret. Please, be considerate to whoever does the housework and clean your brains off the wall, and try and re-attach your jaw. We love you.
Strategos: And remember kids, never ever do this at home. Well, fine. Go ahead. But don't blame us if your parents scold you. So, ha. And ha.
J.T.: Now, if you'll excuse us, Bowser is weeping in the back room.
Strategos: * jumps up * Quick! We must comfort him with PORN! (And mansex!)