`Wait, where you say you've been?
Who you been with?
Where you say you're goin'?
Who you goin' with?
S-I-M-O-N-E.
Bay kept seeing those letters every time she closed her eyes. Simone – goddamn Simone. And Emmett – goddamn Emmett.
But it wasn't just those letters she couldn't get out of her head. It was Emmett himself. It was Emmett with his gentle hands and those eyes that reached into her soul, stealing away her breath. Emmett who was standing here in front of her, watching her tears with sorrow in his eyes as though he wasn't the one who had caused them.
Bay, he signed, say something. Say anything.
"What am I supposed to say? I'm incredibly grateful you slept with my enemy."
You're angry. You should be. But please don't give up on us because I'm an idiot.
"You are an idiot." Bay would gladly agree to that. "But I can't stay with you knowing what you did."
I'll earn your trust back. Emmett swore.
Bay glanced away from him. She couldn't look him in the eye. Not now; not when she was about to cut their final ties. When she walked away tonight, she couldn't see herself walking back. She had to let go of him.
"That's not how it works. If we stay together I'll constantly wonder. Whenever you aren't right next to me, I'll be consumed with who you're with, where exactly you are, and if you're telling me the truth about all of it."
I'll NEVER lie to you again.
"But I'll never trust you again!" Bay burst out.
But I love you.
"But that wasn't enough." She shook her head. "I wasn't enough."
You are enough. You are everything.
"No! If I was, we wouldn't be having this conversation! Don't you understand, Emmett? This is goodbye." Her breath caught in her throat. This was it: no more us, them, him – it was all over.
Bay –
But she turned around. She wasn't listening to him anymore.
Keep me on my toes,
Keep me in the know.
Bay found herself returning to Emmett's murals. Every time she looked at the pictures – so beautiful, heartfelt, and utterly painful – she missed him more than she could ever possibly voice. Her logical side told her that he hurt her and that she shouldn't want him but the rest of her denied that voice. The rest of her was begging to return to his arms, to waltz back into the folds of his heart and remain there until the end of time.
But life wasn't like that.
She couldn't just go back to Emmett, even though she was sure that she had never wanted anything else more in her entire life. The want to be next to him was overwhelming at times – it crawled into her brain and stayed there. It stayed so that she couldn't sleep, so that she couldn't eat, so that she couldn't do anything without seeing his face everywhere.
She moaned in frustration, placing her hands on her hips. She glared at the canvas in front of her. It was Emmett but not. He was too shadowed, too dark, to possibly be her glowing Emmett with the childish smirk.
But this, she realized, was how she saw him now. She saw him as dark, as tainted with the reek of betrayal. He had hurt her and she didn't think that she could ever let go of that. He had been the first person to break her heart. There had been other boys – ones who she had cried over, thrown temper tantrums over, and carried on as though they had broken her heart – but she had never felt the rip like she had with Emmett.
Because Emmett was also the first boy she loved.
She had never fallen in love before. It was dizzying, terrifying, but she had loved every moment of it. She had loved being in love with him. She had loved how he had smiled and how his fingers spelled out his feelings (there was something the artist in her adored how he could create thoughts with his hands). She loved the way his lips scorched her skin and how she had heard his voice (as clunky as it had sounded she hadn't heard anything as beautiful since).
She had loved him but he had broken her.
Wait, keep me in your skin,
Keep me in your chest.
I'll wait for it to start,
I'll wait for it to end.
Emmett couldn't take his eyes off of her. Though he was here for Daphne he couldn't ignore the fact that Bay was right here. His dark haired beauty, the one that still ruled his heart so long after she had said her goodbyes, was just several feet away. He could stand up, cross the yard, and find his arms around her.
If only it were that simple. If only he could walk into her studio – walls thrumming with loud music – and put his arms around her waist, his chin on her shoulder, her long curls caressing his cheeks. He wished he could thread his fingers through her paint splattered ones. He wished that he could cradle her tightly, feeling her heartbeat thrumming through her – one of the only things he had ever longed to hear.
But what could he do to change her mind? What could he do to piece them back together? He had taken a sledgehammer to their relationship and he knew that he had probably done far too much damage for them to ever be repaired.
But he longed for it to be different. He longed for a new beginning, or the beginning they had already had. Had it only been such a short time ago that she had smiled at him like he was her world? Had it only been a short time ago that she had loved him?
He still loved her. She was still everything to him. But she was done with him. She had walked away and severed all of her ties to him. Yet, he still felt tied to her. She was still his anchor in the sea that was his life. He doubted that would ever change. When someone made you feel like that you never forgot it; you never got over it.
Bay was his beginning, middle, and end. She was his novel.
But she had already written the last page.
Keep me on my toes,
Keep me in the know.
Are you sure that you want to be here? Daphne asked.
Emmett glanced around him, drawing in a deep breath. No, of course he didn't want to be here. But she had practically begged him to – if he was uncomfortable in this setting, she was doubly so. The Kennish's looked natural, dressed to the nines in their formal attire and circulating around the hotel ballroom for whatever fundraiser this was. He and Daphne, they didn't belong here. They were obviously outsiders, simply looking in to the lives of the rich and famous.
You have to be here. It's not fair that you have to suffer alone.
Daphne followed his gaze. Bay looks pretty.
Bay always looks beautiful. Emmett countered.
Are you ever going to let her go? Daphne asked. I told you – she's been dating.
Emmett sighed. It doesn't matter. She deserves to explore her options. She'll discover that I'm right for her.
What if she doesn't?
Then I'll wait until she does.
Daphne gestured – subtly, however, this wasn't the type of establishment that you pointed in – to Bay, who was laughing loudly with Toby, a pretty girl in a green dress, and a good-looking, unfamiliar boy.
Does she look like she's waiting on you? Daphne asked.
Emmett set his jaw firmly. She'll come back.
But when I looked at her,
I thought of only you.
If only there was proof I could use to show it's true.
"Leave me alone!" Bay cried, throwing her words at him like knives. "I can't take this anymore!"
Bay – just hear me out.
"Bullshit." Bay snapped. "Everything is bullshit. I don't need you to feed me lines or tell me your version of events. I get your version of events – you were angry, blah blah blah; Simone was there, blah blah blah; it didn't mean anything, blah blah blah; I'm the only thing that matters to you, blah, blah, BLAH!"
That's not fair!
"What's not fair is you sleeping with someone else!"
I get it; you're still angry –
"Damn right I'm still angry!" Bay spat, ignoring the rest of his signs.
I would take it back.
"I would hope so."
All I wanted was you. All I want now is you. Can't you come back to me, let me prove myself to you?
He was stepping closer and closer to her. Bay flattened herself against her car, unable to think or breathe. She knew that look in his eyes – he was coming to kiss her; to hold her. She wanted it to happen, she missed his lips and his touch, yet, she didn't know if she was ready for it. She wasn't sure if he could hold her without her wondering if she felt like Simone felt.
Bay, Emmett signed but that was it. The next thing Bay knew, they were twined around one another. Limb for limb, breath for breath, she couldn't get enough of him.
We were young,
We were in our teens.
It wasn't real love,
The tips of his fingers caressed along her collarbones and down across her ribs. He felt her stomach dip as she sucked in a breath, all of her muscles tensed. He moved back along her body, resting himself over her still form. He braced himself on either side of her, running his large hands across her delicate face. She looked so beautiful; laying in his childhood bed, her exotic hair spread across the pillows he laid his head on every night.
He tapped his lips against hers, before pecking at her nose. He traced under her eyes and across her cheekbones. Her dark eyes were filled with sorrow, lust, and something that he couldn't identify – something that he hoped, prayed, was love.
Her thin hands slipped over his shoulders, resting on his shoulder blades. Without saying a word, she gave a sharp tug, her chipped nails digging into his flesh. He felt the urgency that she did – the need to become one with her, to hold her like she deserved to be held.
And so, he kissed her deeply and took them both to another place.
Spent behind bars.
Oh it's sad to think,
We just let it be.
Prisoners of love.
Bay found herself, as she always did when she was thinking too much, in her studio covered in paint. All she could think about was last night – last night spent wrapped in Emmett's love. It was there she had given him the final part of herself to him – her heart, her love, her virginity. But now she felt empty. She had given so much to him but what did she keep for herself?
And his touch, oh! It had scorched her, had thrilled her, and it had gutted her. Yes, she had been with Emmett, and yes, that had meant the world to her. But her world had been broken and empty. He had still hurt her and she still felt the pull of that pain when she least expected it.
Somehow, foolishly, she thought that being with him like that would change something. That it would brush away the new feelings, the dark, negative feelings, and bring the old feelings –the positive feelings when she was on cloud 9, when she was in love, when the entire universe was within her grasp and nothing could change her feelings for Emmett – surging back to her.
But it hadn't. She still felt angry and she still felt betrayed.
She looked at the painting in front of her – dark and brutal. There she was, her hands all over Emmett while his hands were all over her, but they were trapped behind prison bars. She wondered what it all meant. Sometimes her thoughts and emotions poured onto her canvas before she knew what her thoughts were or understood her emotions. Her canvases were her visual guide to her subconscious but she didn't always understand where they were leading her.
She and Emmett looked happy in the painting. Whenever she thought of him in her head, she felt happiness. When she visualized him being in the future with her, she felt happy.
But there were the bars. There were the niggling doubts that, though she felt as though she were over his mistakes, the pain would all come rushing back one day. She would be smiling, laughing, and all of a sudden another bomb would drop. Her life would change all over again; her once stable ground disappearing beneath her feet.
She couldn't take everything being stolen again. But she couldn't turn away from Emmett. He meant far too much for her to simply drop all that they had with one another. It was so complicated – she needed him next to her but she needed her space, needed her time to breathe and be herself.
But he held all of the pieces of her.
How could she be herself without him?
It's so easy for it to be,
Something second guessed.
Easy to read,
What is this, Bay? Are we together? Are we friends?
"I don't know," Bay stammered, uncertainty bringing a blush to her cheeks. They were something – they had gone through too much to be nothing – but could she define what they were? Could anyone define what they were?
Emmett tried not to let his disappointment show, but she could see it from the way his eyes drooped before snapping back up to her lips.
"I wish I had something to say here, Emmett. But . . . I don't."
Do you have feelings for me at all?
"You're my friend-"
Bullshit! You come see me in the dead of night, you trust me with your secrets – that sounds like more than friends with me.
"Why do we need to label it?" Bay's voice broke. "Why can't we just leave it like this? Why can't we just enjoy the moment?"
I want to be more than just your 'moment'.
"I don't want to lose you, Emmett, but I don't know how to be more than what we are now." She didn't want to cry, but she could feel the tears beginning to bloom in her eyes, the heaviness of emotion building in the back of her throat. "Please, Emmett. I'm not going to stop seeing you – I need you in my life, God knows why – but I can't have pressure from this."
I'm here for you. However you need me to be.
"And I love you for that," Bay managed a weak smile. She took his hand, squeezing it tightly. "I truly do."
Emmett didn't respond, just pulled her into his chest.
Don't let it become,
A meaningless routine.
It's meaningless to me.
And so, that's how it was. They weren't labeled; not much of anyone knew about them. He continued to be steadfast and loyal to her, while she tried to sort herself out. He was kind and patient with her, while she was a wrecking ball for him. But he didn't care. She was here – she was his. He didn't need anything else from her. She still came to his bed and looked at him and him alone. She laughed at his jokes and smiled at him. Her fingers moved with fluidity as she used his language to spin herself tighter into his heart.
But Emmett didn't know what to think or do. He was in love with Bay – he would always be in love with Bay – but something had to give. He couldn't get caught in this whirlpool of stolen kisses, passionate nights, and unsure if she would come back. He loved being with her, he never wanted their time together to end, but he wanted to feel as though there were meaning in being with her – like they weren't going through the motions like it was some kind of cheap hook-up.
He watched her as she slept, angelic in innocence. He traced her bare shoulder blades and pressed a chaste kiss to her lips. She didn't stir in her sleep; didn't make a sound. He curled lower into the bed, pulling her tightly into his arms. He held her and hoped that a change would come soon – she would wake up and get rid of the half-murmured affections and hesitant advances. They would become them – go back to how they were before he made his final mistake and changed everything.
Soon the creaky emotions would dissipate and leave only their love and passion behind. They would be beautiful again.
Yet, that was not what Emmett woke to. Emmett woke to an empty bed and found out, half an hour later, that Bay had disappeared.
She was never coming back.
I don't own anything recognizable. The song is Crash by You Me At Six. Thanks to my fantastic beta: Noble6.
~TLL~