16.08 Spousal Privilege
"Listen, I've learned two things in my fifteen years here, that's for you, one – you can't take this job home with you," Fin said seriously.
"Working on that," Amanda replied and rolled her eyes.
"Two, that you can't take anyone from this job home with you," he said.
"Okay," Amanda replied.
"I just want you to take care of yourself," Fin said.
Amanda agreed to that and said that she's trying.
Fin absentmindedly turned and looked at Olivia's office, where their Sergeant was working. He kept on looking at her and thinking how much she meant to him and how she has broken the unspoken rules he just explained to Amanda and most importantly how breaking those rules have made her the person she is today.
"You speaking from experience?" Amanda pried.
Fin just kept on looking at Olivia through the open shades in her office, but he didn't say a word.
"You talking about Liv?" Amanda asked once she realized who Fin is looking at.
Fin turned his eyes to Amanda, but he kept his silence. He wasn't entirely sure if it was his place to say something and he was also sure that Olivia would not approve Fin sharing any of her personal information, but he might be willing to risk that anyway, because Amanda deserved to know who Olivia Benson really is. Or rather who she used to be.
"You and Liv?" Amanda asked with her eyes wide open.
"No, not me and Liv," Fin said quickly. "Olivia was always forbidden fruit," he added truthfully.
"So she had a relationship with someone else from the squad?" Amanda asked in surprise – the job seemed to be her husband and to her knowledge, Olivia rarely dated.
"No. Not quite. Olivia was partnered with Elliot Stabler before I came here and the partnership ended just before you came – they were together for over 13 years. There were pools around here about when they were going to hook up, most of the people thought that they had slept together at some point, but even if they did, it was never confirmed," Fin explained.
"So Benson was chasing after her partner?" Amanda asked with slight confusion.
Fin shook his head.
"Elliot was married and Liv would never come between that. I know they cared deeply for one another, but we never knew if it was romantic or just platonic. Every time someone came to picture for Olivia, Elliot managed to drive them away. I get him, because most of these guys did not deserve Olivia, but I'm not sure if Elliot did either.
In my opinion Elliot was terrified to lose her and even the prospect of sharing her probably made him lose his mind and he had to keep her all to himself, Olivia didn't seem to mind much. Seemed like it was enough, but at the end I don't think it ever was. They were always in sync, every move, every step, they could read each other minds and they knew exactly what the other was gonna do. Once Liv and El were forced to see a psychologist to determine if they are fit to work together, Cragen told me that the psychologist determined that they were too close, but they couldn't be separated, because that would be even worse. We're all seeing the result of their separation now," Fin spoke.
"But you're sure they never slept together?" Amanda asked, sounded to her like it might have just happened. Sounded like on some level it was similar to her and Nick. Then again it sounded nothing like she and Nick.
"I don't know about that and it doesn't matter. For those two, it was emotional, they got too close, both of them took work home and for them work meant each other. I know that Elliot has spent the night at Olivia's place many times. I've seen them together and they were unbreakable. The most miserable I've ever seen them, was when they were not working together," Fin explained. He personally thought that they never slept together, but he wouldn't be surprised if they did.
"There were times, when I couldn't even imagine one of them leaving the other. It would destroy them," he continued, then made a pause to look at Olivia. "And it did break them," he said sadly.
Amanda too looked at her Sergeant, who had her glasses on and she was reading a report on her desk. From her point of view Olivia had always been just the same and she found it hard to believe that she'd been anything else.
"I don't know about Stabler, but I know that the sergeant sitting behind that desk is not the fearless badass detective Olivia Benson I met here fifteen years ago," Fin said sadly. He had a front row seat to all Benson and Stabler drama, but he also had a front row seat to Benson without Stabler and he was not liking the view. As much as he disliked Stabler, he still wished Elliot was here for Olivia's sake. He missed the friendly banter and the wordless communication those two shared.
"I feel sorry for you and Nick, because I'm not sure if you'll ever get to meet the Olivia Benson I knew for a decade. I hope you will, but I doubt that you ever will," Fin said sadly, he was thinking back to the times, when this squad was so different.
"You think they ever slept together?" Amanda asked bluntly. She wasn't sure if she'd have more or less respect for her commanding officer if she'd broken the line Amanda herself was close to breaking or not.
"No, I don't think they did, but I wouldn't be all surprised, if they did. I do think that they are soulmates though. I think they were right for each other, but it's such an unfortunate incident, that they met in a wrong time. And it's sad that the one thing that probably saved Olivia and made her the detective she is today, is the same thing that destroyed her in the end," Fin said heavily.
"So you're saying she hasn't been the Ice Queen all this time?" Amanda asked, surprised.
"No, Liv was happy, she smiled much more and so often her laughter filled the squadroom. There were few instances, when she and Stabler started a paper ball fight, in the end the whole squad was involved, the Captain was furious, but in this job, it's good to have some fun. I think Liv and Elliot helped each other through the grim crimes. Quite often if was Olivia's warmth and motherly nature, that helped all of us," Fin explained.
"It all sounds good and sweet, but that is not the detective I know," Amanda said.
"It is hard for her. Hell, even I couldn't imagine Olivia without Elliot, she must still be feeling it. She let her guard down and now she seems to be scared to do it again. There are still days, when I see glimpses of the person I used to know, but not as often as I'd like. It's hard to watch her now and know that there is nothing I can do," Fin said sadly.
"I thought she hated me, when I got here. She was anything but welcoming. I still get the sense that she doesn't trust me. She trusts you, she trusted Munch and Captain, maybe she has some trust for Nick, but she doesn't seem to have any for me," Amanda said seriously.
"Don't take it personally, but I don't think she will ever trust anyone like she trusted Stabler. And Stabler would do anything to keep her safe. He once ripped me a new one, when I failed to have her back. Man, did I beat myself up, but the rage Stabler had was on another level. Cragen had to send him home so we could get some work done," Fin remembered the time after Sealview. He was still not completely over it and he doubted the guilt ever went away, but Elliot's temper after that was the worst Fin had seen. He doubted Olivia ever knew about it and he was not about to tell her how Elliot nearly ripped him a new one.
"I thought you were never her partner," Amanda was puzzled.
"No, but I was her backup in an undercover operation, Stabler demanded the captain to send him in as her backup, but we all knew he couldn't keep his cool around her. So they sent me. It was all bad, she was assaulted and nearly raped. Had I made it there just seconds later… I don't even wanna think about it," Fin said heavily. Yes, he couldn't let it go, probably never will.
Amanda's mouth was open and she looked at Olivia with sadness and all of her dislike for the sergeant was gone from her expression. "She'd been in that situation before Lewis?" she asked.
Fin nodded sadly.
"But that's not my point. I know you respect Olivia, even if you don't always like her. Just give her the benefit of the doubt. And if you look closely enough, sometimes you'll see a whole other person and that is the Olivia Benson I once knew," Fin said.
"I will try," Amanda said.
"But also taking the work home with you or taking someone from the work with – that will not end up well," Fin concluded. "Also don't ever breathe a word of this conversation to anyone," Fin added seriously.
Amanda nodded – she got the lesson to be learned, but she is not Olivia Benson. She and Nick can be different, right?
Fin held her shoulder comfortingly and then left the room. Amanda stood there for a minute longer and looked at Olivia through the window. Olivia seemed to be oblivious to anything happening around her, her focus was on the report she was reading. Amanda on the other hand might have found some newfound respect for Olivia and she could only wish she knew the person she used to be before her arrival. She was also left wondering if Olivia ever slept with her partner. Only two people knew the truth and Elliot has been gone for years now, but that didn't stop the other detectives from wondering what had happened. Or what never happened. Without knowing detective Elliot Stabler and never witnessing the dynamics of Olivia and Elliot, Amanda became one of them. One of the wonderers. One of the people, who were fascinated by partnership which lasted for 13 years and which never seems to be forgotten.
Amanda wondered how long will the legacy stand? How long after Stabler's leaving will people talk about him and Olivia? Fair guess would be as long as Olivia is in the office and there are still people who remember the duo. For that long there would still be people to tell stories and young aspiring officers to hear. Maybe in a few decades the stories have grown, changed and two detectives are made into legends? But only if there isn't a younger generation to take over their part and become the new dynamic duo, that everybody is talking about. Maybe Amanda could be part of that?
Maybe.
But until then she'll be one of the wonderers and quite happy with that.
With that thought Amanda left as well, and she didn't notice Olivia looking outside towards her. She didn't see Olivia's brown orbs following her over her glasses. And she definitely did not see the smile on her face.