Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, or the song that inspired this one-shot, My Immortal by Evanescence.
Today was the day. I would die today. I had already decided. My life was gone. My love. My heart. My reason for anything. I was going to die today. I didn't quite know exactly how at the moment, but I knew that I would. I knew that I would die on this day, because I would be the mastermind behind my 'untimely' death. Suicide.
I never considered it before Edward left. I never considered my self a depressed person either, but look how that changed. Depression wasn't what it was, there is no single word. Its everything. Desperation, anger, deep sadness, heartbreak, but the strangest was the numbness. I could feel all these things, yet, I was still numb. Feeling but unfeeling. I guess it's more of a just not caring kind of thing.
When Edward left after the birthday disaster, I wondered around the woods for days. No one found me. Eventually I curled up into a ball. No one found me. I was starved and parched. No one found me.
I was on the edge of what I assumed to be death, when I was found. The bushes cracked, the grass swayed, and the air swooshed.
"Bella." The voice had whispered. I'd only heard it a few times in the past while. Jacob Black.
After Jacob found me, I was taken to the hospital. I was not treated by Carlisle. They were gone. I knew that. They would never come back, I knew that to. But it didn't stop me from waiting.
Waiting for their return. It was something I was still doing. Now. At-least I had been. But in the last few months,the pain has grown. People try to convince me that they won't be back. I believe them now. No hope. Without that sliver of hope, my whole existence unwound its self into meaningless threads, no longer a tapestry. My tapestry had been a nice yellow color for most of my life, until Edward came. Then it turned into gold. When he left however, a few strings came undone, the edges frayed. It turned blacker every day. But now, my tapestry was all threads, broken beyond repair. Soon the threads would be singed into nothing. I would no longer exist.
When Edward left, I stopped talking. I haven't uttered a single word since that day....except his name. My father tried to ship me off to my mother, but I wouldn't go. I ran away for a few hours, before he found me on the streets. He never brought it up again.
I was dead. I would soon be dead physically as well. I didn't feel like living, not without him. I didn't want to be here. Life was nothing. Life wasn't living. Not if I couldn't have Edward with me. I did understand why he left. He didn't love me anymore, maybe he never had. But I don't believe that, I know he had at some of me knew, he still did. I couldn't be enough for him, I always knew that. Fate didn't seem to think we should be together either, neither did Edward in the end.
Love wasn't something I could turn off. When I gave my whole heart over to Edward, that was it. You can't reverse something like that. So did that mean that he never really gave me his heart? I suppose not. I know he loved me, but to what degree I'll never know.
So here I am. Standing on the cliff over looking La Push beach. The water looks black from here, swirling around. That's how I feel. Perfect suicide weather. I knew it would hurt Charlie, but frankly, I didn't care. He would get over it. I couldn't get over this. When Edward left, I became selfish, no longer my selfless self from before.
Looking back down into the water I noticed just how high up I was. The rocks looked painfully sharp, I hope it wouldn't hurt to much. I may be suicidal, but I'm not a masochist. I rocked on my heals, ready to take the plunge, I threw my arms out.
"Bella! What are you doing! STOP!" I heard Jacob yell out.
He came into view, sprinting over towards me. Before he could reach my spot, I threw myself off the cliff.
Down, Down, Down.
It was dark. It was painful, even after my prayer not to be. It wasn't immediate. It was very disorienting.
It wasn't how I wanted it to be, but it got me the end result I desired.
As the blackness took me over, my only thought was ' Edward. I understand. I love you. I'm sorry.'
I broke my promise about keeping myself safe.
I was finally left in peace.
I was dead.
EDWARDS POV
"Thanks for coming Jacob, Billy. I know you never got to get close to her, but it meant alot that you tried." I heard Charlies rough voice come from inside the house. The house where my love lived. My Bella. I had to come back. I was going to beg her to take me back, if it was the last thing I did.
I left her so that nothing would ever happen like it did. No vampires, no monsters. All daisies and sunshine for my Bella. I left so she could have a normal human life. But I was a selfish creature. Living without her wasn't living, it was dying. So I came back.
But now as I sat outside the house, I was confused. There was Black everywhere. People dressed in black. Black, black, black......death. Someone had died, but who? Maybe Charlies friend. Or his friends wife, Sue.
"Charlie, she meant alot to everyone. She was the purest person alive. After he left, she just collapsed. I tried, I really did, but she didn't want to live anymore. It was a choice Charlie, she was already dead. It's better this way." a voice replied. Jacob Black.
Who died? What happened? It was suicide. Why would they do that? Who left?
"I know Jake, I know. I guess I never grasped how much pain she was really in. I thought she would move on, get over it." I heard Charlie clutch Jacob's shoulder.
Suddenly an image came into my head.
Bella crumpled on the floor of her room. Her head was down on her knees, and she was clutching herself so hard, trying to breath threw her sobs. "Edward, Edward, EDWARD!!" Her voice cracked.
Before I could process that image, another came to me, from Jacob's mind.
Bella standing on top of a cliff rocking back on her heals. The vision got closer to her face, but it was to late. She launched herself over the cliff into the deep purple black waters of the beach, screaming one thing all the way down. "Edward"
I was brought to my knees. I understood now. Bella never had a normal life after I left. She was in pain, lots of it. My leaving only caused her death to speed up. Maybe she was right, her time was up with the van. It had really been a pointless attempt to save her life, over and over again. Anyway you cut it, I caused her death.
Bella.
My Bella.
My love.
My light.
The only thing I had. I made her think I didn't love her. I pushed her off that cliff! I mine as well! I killed my beloved...and I hadn't even known about it.
Pain gripped my dead heart, and I swear if I didn't know it was impossible, I would have said I was having a heart-attack.
I looked up at the house, and I spotted it. The window. The one I had crawled through countless times. The one that no longer would hold my Bella inside. But I had to go.
I launched my self up into the tree and swung through the window.
Immediately her scent assaulted my nose. My throat alight with that familiar tingle so much stronger than the others. I looked around her room. It was exactly the same, except there was no radio. No CD stacks. No iHome. No books on her shelf that used to be full. I walked over towards the floorboard where I had put her things when I left. The pictures, the tickets.
I pried it open. It was still there, but now something else was added on top of it. A letter.
'Edward'.
I picked it up and gently sat down on her bed, in shock. She found it. She knew about it.
My curiosity got the best of me, and I opened the letter.
Dear Edward,
If by chance you are reading this, you know I broke the promise. You know I killed myself. I didn't really though. I was already dead the moment you left my life.
Edward, I don't know how much you ever really loved me. I don't know the extent. But I know that you did love me, atleast for awhile, and I am grateful for that short amount of time. Because no matter what you believe, that was the best time of my life. With you.
I never stopped loving you. Just know that. I failed to exist after you took the best part of me away. You ended up taking my soul anyways, funny how that works.
I know you were so much more than I could ever hope for. I could never hold a candle to you. I love you.
My Edward.
My beloved.
My only.
My good vampire.
My everything.
Mine.
You turned me into a selfish creature, but for that I would thank you. Because if you hadn't, I couldn't very well off myself with the thought of hurting Charlie, but I can now. I can live in peace. I can be out of pain. There is no Heaven for me, even if there is no hell. You were the only heaven I would be interested in.
I know you must be angry with me, maybe even yourself. But don't be. I understand what you did, I forgive you. It took me awhile to realize it, but you left FOR me. To keep me safe. I think you pushed your emotions away and really did stop loving me. But part of me knows, deep down, you still love me. With everything. I understand now. But it doesn't bring any relief. I died not because of you, but for you.
I love you Always,
~Bella
My eyes welled up with pools of venom, tears that would never fall. Bella thought I didn't love her. But yet she knew, she knew I did. She understood. That is the most I could have asked for out of this situation. At-least before she died, she understood.
My actions my have been wrong, but my intents were good.
At-least my Bella saw that.
At-least I wasn't a monster in my love's eyes.
She died knowing.
She died loved, and loving.
It was more than I could ever ask for. But now I know what I had to do.
I looked back at the house as I exited. My phone started blaring, but I ignored it. 'Alice'. I ran as fast as I could to the airport. The guy at the counter saw me. "One ticket to Volterra, Italy." I rasped.
"Just one way? We have a discount for a-"
I cut him off, "One way. I'm not coming back."
and with that I grabbed the ticket and walked away. Not looking back.
Here I come my Bella.
A/N: Yeah, I've never written angst, so it's something new. I don't even know if that's what to call this lol. So I hope I didn't do to bad....I think I need to write a fluff piece after that!