Monday September 18th

6.00am

Was woken up by the lovely sound of Mutti and Vati having an argument. It must be child abuse to wake me up this early. Maybe I could snuggle down into my bed and have a little zizz for a while.

2 minutes later

Fat chance. Libby has decided to pay me a visit with all her 'fwends'. I now have Charlie Horse sticking up my bum-oley and Scuba Diving Barbie almost poked my eye out a moment ago.

Oh good, Libbs has a new friend; a mouldy tomato. She keeps calling it Tommy. Maybe I can get her to go back to her own room.

5 minutes later

After trying to reason with Libby, and getting scratched on my arm for my trouble, I've given up on going back to sleep. May as well cleanse and tone while I'm up.

I have to have a strict routine now that I am the girlfriend of a Luuurve God.

La la la la, my skin will be as gorgey and smooth as a baby's botty. Minus the poo.

15 minutes later

Bloody hell, I look so fresh faced and shiny it's scary. I think I will practise my nostril breathing. Ommm. It is vair calming. At this rate I will be so relaxed that I may even be on time for school.

10 minutes

Time for make-up, just in case Masimo decides to say "Bonjourno" on the way to school. I must go for the natural look.

Sooo, some foundation, three coats of mascara, bronzer and a tiny bit of eyeliner.

8.15 am

Jas is sitting on her wall fiddling with her fringe. How annoying, early morning fringe fiddling. She almost fell off the wall when she saw me.

'You're early.'

'Yes, Jazzy Spazzy, I know. Now let's celebrate with some Viking Disco Inferno!' After a burst of disco dancing we started puffing up the hill, with Jas complaining that the dance messed up her fringe. Rave on, Vole Woman.

I didn't say that out loud because she can be vair violent.

Five minutes later

The bushes that we're walking past are rustling suspiciously. I hope it's not the Blunder Boys.

10 seconds later

Dave and Tom just leapt out of the bushes. Jas, of course, screamed and then went over to Hunky and was all over him like a rash. I think they were talking about voles or owls or something. Dave sidled up to me and put his arm through mine.

'Good morning Kittykat. I must say your nungas are looking particularly perky this morning.' He is so rudey dudey!

I said with sophisticosity 'Dave, do not talk about my nungas that way.'

'Ah, you know you love it. And besides, how can I help myself when you're such an enticing Sex Kitty?'

It really is hard to have the hump with Dave. I smiled at him and remembered to put my tongue behind my teeth and suck my nose in.

Dave and Tom walked us to the gates of hell (a.k.a Stalag 14) and Dave gave me some number 5 (!) in front of Hawkeye before walking off to Foxwood. Hawkeye lost her rag and barked at me 'Nicolson, setting a bad example for the younger students, take a bad conduct mark and a detention. And get that make-up off.'

The Titches were walking past and said to me 'Cor, Miss,' and winked.

I don't think it is a bad example when I get complimented on it.

Assembly

I'm all red because I had to scrub my face in the tarts' wardrobe.

Slim is rambling on about some utter bollocks.

'Disgusting the way you girls roll your skirts up. In my day our skirts dragged along the ground. Disobeying the one-inch-above-the-knee rule will result at burning at the stake, thumb screws, etc.'

Rosie is plaiting her false beard and has started nodding along with what Slim says. The rest of the Ace Gang and me started nodding too.

We were forced to stop when Wet Lindsay came sliming over and threatened us all with a detention.

Slim's still raving on.

'And now, Herr Kaymer would like to share some exciting news with you. I must say, Form 10 A will be most thrilled to hear this' Something that Slim thinks is exciting? Oh god, we'll probably have to join Girl Guides or something. The amazing thing is, Jas would probably think that IS exciting. That is how sad she is.

Herr Kaymer came on the stage with Miss Wilson behind him. Oh what larks, I bet they're getting married. But why would that involve us?

Wait – unless they want us to be bridesmaids. It would probably be a corduroy wedding and we would have to wear knee high socks and knitted jumpers and speak German and –

'Guten morgen girls. Miss Vilson and I have something sehr interesting to tell you. You vill be going to America for a week accompanied by Miss Vilson and myself...'

Wait, what?

Herr Kaymer was drowned out then by our screeching. I could make out Rosie yelling 'HOOOOORRRRNNN!,' Jas babbling to Mabs about the wildlife and Ellen saying to Jools 'Isn't that, like, erm, in, like, America?'

Slim was saying 'Settle girls, settle.'

After a zillion years everyone finally shut up, but Ro-Ro had pulled out her pipe and was sucking on it noisily. Slim's chins were in full wobbling mode when she said the most shocking thing; 'On your upcoming trip, the boys from Foxwood will be joining you. I expect you all to behave maturely.' When she said that she looked at me. When do I not behave maturely around the lads? I'm a vision of maturosity aren't I?

My thoughts were rudely interrupted by the noise that had broken out again. It was absolute pandemonium. One girl actually fainted and had to be fished out of the crowd by Miss Stamp. I bet she was going to take her to her office for some "quiet time".

Rosie had actually gotten so excited that her beard was stuck to Ellen's skirt zipper. Poor Ellen kept getting biffed by the Viking Bride whenever she tried to move. I thought I would die laughing.

Lunch

The talk of the school is the trip to Hamburger-a-go-go land. The Ace Gang all ran up to Herr Kaymer and gave him a group hug at the end of assembly.

He was saying 'Veally girls, there is no need to thank me. It vill be fun.'

After that we did some celebratory Viking Disco Inferno for him. I like to think he appreciated it. This is what I like to think.

Anyway, it is vair exciting. Mabs, Jools, Ellen and Rosie are quizzing me and Jas about when we spent time with the Hamburgese. Ellen was raving for all of England.

'So, erm, is it, like, do you?'

I said 'It has to be this decade, really.'

Rosie said 'We must visit Gaylords. We have to ride bucking bronco stools, my chummettes. They have horns.'

I said 'Oo-er.'

Rosie just looked at me then adjusted her beard, took a long suck on her pipe and skipped (yes, skipped) away.

German

Painting my nails. I've gone for Vibrant Plum. Herr Kaymer is vair unobservant.

Mabs is putting on bronzer and Jools is ironing her hair.

Herr Kaymer is reading about the Kochs. They are, once again, eating spangleferkals. It worries me how many sausages this family eats.

I lifted my hand off the desk.

Herr Kaymer said, 'Ja, Georgia?'

I said, 'Do you think they have Kochs in Hamburger-a-go-go, Herr Kaymer? If they do, do you think they have big Kochs or little Kochs or both, like in the book?'

The class was in an uproar. Rosie looked like she was choking.

The funny thing is that Herr Kaymer didn't know why everyone was laughing.

'Ach, I think not Georgia. I haf not seen any Kochs in America, only Germany.'

Rosie fell off her chair.

Walking home

Dave and Tom were waiting outside the gates when we got out. For some reason, I was glad that Masimo wasn't there. I don't know why.

Dave said, 'So ladiez, did you hear? We shall be trekking through the land of panties soon enough.'

I said, 'I know. It will be horrific.'

Hunky said, 'I think it will be a great experience for us to learn about another culture.'

I said, 'There's not much to learn. They just say "howdy" and smile a lot.'

Jas gave me the evils and said, 'This time I might get to see some wildlife. Not like last time, Georgia.'

I put my face really close to hers and said, 'Jas, are you implying that my Vati and Uncle are not wildlife?'

Vair amustant, if I do say so myself. Which I do. Because I am myself.

20 minutes later

Just me and Dave now. I told him about the Koch incident and he laughed like a loon on loon tablets. He really has a gorgey laugh. It gives me the horn, actually. Down red bottom!

We're walking with our arms linked. Completely friendly. Because that's what we are. Friends. Just a pair of friends. Who occasionally do more than linksies. By occasionally I mean frequently. And by do more than linksies I mean number 6.

Dave said, 'So, how are you and the Handbag Horse?'

I said, 'Masimo does not carry a handbag. And we are good. No, better than good. We're great.'

'Does he ever lend you his handbag?'

'You know as well as I do that he does not have a handbag.'

'We don't know that. He might have one that he uses when you aren't with him.'

'He doesn't.'

'Does.'

'Doesn't.'

'Does.'

'You're mad.'

'No, YOU'RE mad.'

Dave started doing tickly bears. I spluttered and tried to make him stop.

Then, something weird happened.

He stopped tickling me and looked into my eyes. And I looked into his. It wasn't awkward or like when I look into Angus's eyes, it was nice. I couldn't help myself.

I leaned over and snogged him.

He was shocked for a second, but then he put one of his hands on my face and the other one on my waist.

He nip libbled and I sort of moaned. He pushed me up against a tree and we kept snogging.

He moved his lips and snogged my ear. He does ear snogging! It felt really nice and I went all jelloid.

Then, he suddenly stopped. Boo, stop stopping!

He was staring somewhere. I turned around.

Masimo was on his scooter, looking at us. He looked really sad. He turned on his scooter and drove away.

At home

I'm full of confusiosity. Snogging Dave felt so right, but I'm with Masimo. Well, I think I am. And the Dave snogging wasn't even a matey snog; it was a deffo phwoar snog. How did this happen? After I've finally got the Italian Stallion I go and snog Dave. Why, why and thrice why would I do that?

In my head I can hear Jas saying, 'Tart.' Shutup, shutup imaginary Jas.

3 minutes later

Great, Libbs has come barging into my room with Cross-Eyed Gordy in one hand and Tommy the tomato in the other. She threw Gordy on my bed and climbed in.

'Gingey, Tommy did something naughty.'

'What did he do, Libby?'

'He put Angus in the freezer. Dear, dear. Naughty Tommy.'

Oh bloody hell.

I ran downstairs and saw Vati lolling on the couch eating ice-cream straight from the container. Wearing leather pants. Alone. I wonder where Mutti is.

'Vati, when did you get that ice-cream from the freezer?'

'About five minutes ago, why? What have you done to it?' He looked at me suspiciously.

Why am I suspected of everything around here? It's unfair. I'm a scape-whatsit.

'I have done nothing to it, Vati. But it will do something to you. It will increase the size of your arse.' I said it light-heartedly, but Vati went ballisticisimus.

'DON'T USE THAT SORT OF LANGUAGE IN MY HOUSE! YOU NEED A KICK UP THE ARSE!' That's a bit hypocritical.

I said, 'Ah, but then you would have to get up and, let's face it, if you did that you would a) have to move and b) split your pants trying.' He just mumbled and groaned.

I said, 'Did you see Angus in the freezer?'

Vati said, 'Why would the bloody cat be in the freezer?'

I didn't bother answering and just went over to the freezer and opened it. As soon as I did something covered in ice and fur leapt on my face.

Angus was freezing.

I pried him off my face and put him on the floor. He was shaking from being so cold. I grabbed a blanket from the washing pile and wrapped him in it.

Aww, he looks so sweet and innocent and – 'Ow, you furry freak!' Angus suddenly moved his head forward and bit my nose, so I dropped him.

He hissed at me and jumped out the window.

Vati said from the couch, 'Don't make so much bloody racket all the time.

This is the sort of parenting I have to put up with.

2 minutes later

Looking in the mirror. Blimey my nose is red. I think it might be swelling up. I look like a clown.

1 minute later

The doorbell is ringing. I wonder who it is. Vati yelled out to me, 'Get that, Georgia!'

Maybe if I pretend to not hear he will answer it.

10 seconds later

It's still ringing.

'Georgia, get the door, for Christ sake!'

I went downstairs and opened the door. It was one of our beloved boys in blue. And Mutti.

She was all giggly and holding on to his arm.

What fresh hell?

'Hello ma'am. Is your father at home?'

'Yes, unfortunately. VATI, COME HERE.'

Vati said, 'This better be important.' After a million years of him puffing and groaning he finally came to the door and saw Mutti.

'Bloody hell Connie. Had a bit to drink, has she?'

'A "bit" is an understatement, sir. I found her a few streets away, sitting on the ground talking to a tree. When I tried to pick her up she started hitting me with her handbag and saying, "How dare you interrupt my husband and my alone time, this is a private party". She then proceeded to kiss the tree and call it Bob. You are Bob, I take it?'

Vati's face was vair, vair amusing.

'Er, yes that's me.'

I said, 'How Mutti mistook a tree for you I will never know. Most trees around here are thin.'

Vati said, 'Shut up.'

I very nearly reported him for child abuse right there and then, but I restrained myself.

30 minutes later

After Vati apologised for Mutti's behaviour a thousand times and Mutti tried to kiss the officer, the policeman decided to not bother pressing charges for drunk and disorderly. I think it was when Angus jumped from a tree onto his head that he chose to leave.

Vati tried to pick up Mutti but he put his back out. In the end, Mutti stumbled to bed and Vati forced himself to get off the floor and return to the couch.

5 minutes later

Now, back to my problems. What do I do about the whole kissing Dave fandago? I know; I shall ring my bestest pally Jas.

2 minutes later

I've snuck downstairs and rang, but it went to message bank.

Perfect, just when I need to talk to Jas she decides to not answer the phone.

Who else is there? I can't call Ellen because it will take ten years, Mabs is good but I don't really want to tell her or Jools. That leaves Rosie. No way will I be ringing her. She is too mad and viking-ish. No, no and thrice no.

1 minute later

Phoning Rosie.

'Bonjour.'

'Rosie.'

'Oui.'

'It's me.'

'And it's me too.'

'I need your advice.'

'Doesn't everyone?'

'No, they don't, because you are a mad Viking Bride-to-be-in-eighteen-years.'

'That is true. Now hurry up, because I'm knitting a beard. They don't knit themselves you know.'

I heard some scuffling and 'Sven, get off. I can't piggy back you, I'm on the phone.' Then there was squelching noises. Erlack.

I slammed the phone down.

4 minutes later

I really don't know why I bothered. Back in my bed of pain now. In Telly-Tubby jimjams. Alone and confused. And possibly Luuurve God-less.

8.27 pm

The doorbell is ringing again. What now?

I went downstairs and opened it.

It was Masimo.

Oh my giddy god and I didn't even have any make-up on! And I was in Telly-Tubby pyjamas.

'Cara, can we go for a walk?'

'Erm, just a, erm, second.' Oh lovely, I had turned into Ellen.

I raced upstairs and put on jeans and a t-shirt and did quick mascara and lippy. My hair was a mess. I pulled it back into a ponytail and ran downstairs to Vati.

I said, 'Vati, I'm going for a walk.'

He said, 'Be back by eleven.'

I ran back to the door.

Masimo said, 'Let us go to the park.'

10 minutes later

Masimo hasn't said anything. We're just walking in silence. I want to say something but I don't know what.

He suddenly turned to me and said 'Cara, I like you a lot. And you like me, yes?'

I nodded like billi-o.

'But I see you with Dave and I think you like him too.'

For some reason I couldn't get my mouth to move

'So, I think you have to make choice. Me or Dave. You cannot, how you say, see us both.'

He wanted me to choose? Between him and Dave? My brain was telling me to say 'Masimo, Masimo, I pick you!', but something was stopping me.

I said, 'So you're saying that if I pick you I can't be friends with Dave?'

He said, 'Yes.'

I took a deep breath and said, 'Masimo, I'm sorry, but I can't stop being friends with Dave. I can't pick you.'

Why did I say that? What am I thinking?

Masimo said in this bitter voice, 'I knew it. Lindsay was right. You are just a child. I should never have picked you. Your nose is too big.'

I just smiled my full flaring-nostril smile and said, 'At least I don't have a handbag.'

Masimo went sensationally red.

I burst out laughing. 'You actually have a handbag!'

He said, 'I am still too good for you. I should have picked Lindsay over you.'

For some reason that didn't make me sad at all.

I said, 'You're right. You and Lindsay deserve each other. At least Dave has a personality.'

Masimo laughed, but it wasn't friendly. 'We shall see. You will come running back to me. They all do.'

I said, 'You're wrong. I love Dave. Now that I see who you really are I don't even like you. Arrivederci,' and walked away.

In bed

I can't believe I said all that. And I can't believe that I'm not even sad. I feel like this massive weight has been lifted off my chest. I am vair proud of myself.

I broke up the Italian Stallion. The Handbag Horse. I broke up with him.

I don't know why I didn't trust what Dave said about him in the first place.

I can't wait to tell Dave that Masimo actually has a handbag! He will laugh so much at that.

And I can't believe I said I love Dave. Does that mean I want him to be my official snogging partner? Do I actually love him?

I think deep down I've always know the answer to both of those questions.

Yes, of course I do.