The ice is getting thinner
DISCLAIMER: You and I both know that this procrastinating author own nothing (from the anime to the characters).
Warning(s): Yaoi-MaleXMale-BoyXBoy-BL/cursing/sad attempt at writing humor/romance/uke-ish Hayato/OOC(?)
Author's notes: My first KHR & yaoi fanfic so BE NICE. Oh, and by the way, the sequel's already published here in f f dot n e t. It's called Screaming infidelities. Copy-Paste this link (remove the spaces) - ( http : / / www. fanfiction. net / s / 4811435 / 1 / Screaming _ infidelities ) or just visit my profile page.
-Betaread by tootalltygerlil.
It was unfortunate that when Gokudera Hayato thought his day would be as normal as any other day, the baseball freak just had to ruin it and then remain unaware of his misery.
He woke up that morning, readied himself for another day of assisting the Tenth… and of course, do school stuff on the side. Paying attention in school would give him another reason to go over to the Tenth's house and tutor him. The right-hand man must be reliable and resourceful, right? Unlike some baseball nut he had the misfortune of being acquainted with, who would rather run about the field and swing his stupid bat. Not a day passed by when he silently (and sometimes vocally) wished the metal club would hit the idiot's head instead for once. This usually resulted in another déjà vu interrogation from Tsuna, asking him why he still treated the other guardian so rudely even though they had gone through numerous life and death situations. And as usual, Gokudera would fail to give him a proper answer and divert the Tenth's attention onto another topic, preferably their algebra homework.
It was odd, but despite the animosity he was always showing towards Yamamoto, he really couldn't explain why the mere presence of him made him want to tear his hair out. The 'right-hand-man' issue was out of the question since Yamamoto had no desire to claim the title from him. Perhaps the fact that his 100-kilowatt smile could easily melt any girl's heart, ticked the Italian off. What he really hated to admit, even to himself, was that smile even melted his. He didn't know when it started but lately Yamamoto had this knack of grinning like an idiot during every argument they had and eventually Gokudera would rest his case with a sharp scoff. Really, it was getting quite annoying.
When he tried to pursue another pointless fit of rage, Yamamoto started laughing it off and slung an arm over a seething Gokudera's shoulder. What made it so wonderful though, was the fact that Tsuna was looking at them with this distinct contented smile on his face. Sadly, this forced him to shut up and let Yamamoto drag him around like that until they reached Tsuna's home. The whole time, desperately trying to ignore the sudden wild thumping inside his chest..
He'll ignore it, as long as the Tenth was happy, he told himself, even in his sleep.
But enduring it in school was a different story. It was already as annoying as it is when they're walking home together, but having the whole class see the odd camaraderie between them was the last straw.
Thus, the unfortunate Monday morning in school occurred.
He was sitting quietly in his chair and automatically Yamamoto took the seat next to him, which he believed to be Hiroki's, a particularly uninteresting classmate. Already sensing another tirade of his daily baseball talk, he quickly told him to go bug someone else… mainly another sport's-minded idiot who'd be interested. Gokudera wasn't surprised when he found a flock of girls already surrounding Yamamoto the moment he walked away. A hollow feeling formed in the pit of his stomach as he watched the baseball nut receive yet another love letter from a girl in a different class, which intensified when Yamamoto pocketed the stupid stationary instead of putting it aside as he used to. Still in denial that he was upset over that little detail, he forcefully diverted his attention and glared at the quiet kid at the corner instead.
Tsuna was talking to the Sasagawa chick again in the next room, so there was no other choice but to sit there and enjoy his time alone. Well, until a bunch of girls disturbed his peace.
"Ah, Gokudera-kun…" One girl was blushing so much that he could almost hear Ryohei screaming 'extreme' somewhere in the background. "Um, you know, your favorite band's having a concert this Sunday." Her tone being sickeningly sweet, she showed him two tickets. "I have a spare ticket so… I thought I should give it to Gokudera-kun. Would you go with me to the concert?" Gokudera stared at the ticket with mild interest, wondering how the hell this girl knew about his favorite band and why she went so far as to buy him an expensive ticket. Ever since Bianchi's poison cooking, he knew girls were just downright weird.
Gokudera sent her a baleful glare, followed by a scowl. The girl gasped and turned awfully pale, recognizing a rejection coming. This wasn't the first time Gokudera refused her advances and after having been rejected by him so many times. Reading his body language now, she knew he was about to say 'fuck off'.
Indeed, Gokudera thought of rejecting the poor girl, only until he found Yamamoto looking at them. That annoying thumping sound in his chest renewed with vigor the moment his green eyes met brown. He was looking at him in a way that he had never seen before. The baseball freak just twisted his lips in a strange look that was half amusement, half exasperation. And just in a blink of an eye, Yamamoto was smiling again as if it never faltered and flashed him a thumbs up as if goading him to accept the girl's invitation.
Gokudera's lip joined his eye in all its twitching glory, 'Damn-it! What the hell's wrong with me??' In these moments, he longed for a cigarette. But since the professor would arrive any minute, he'd have to wait until lunch break.
"Gokudera-kun?"
Gokudera's gaze shifted from Yamamoto to the bold girl, who's name was still unknown and remembered why she was talking to him in the first place. When he glanced at Yamamoto again, the idiot was already in deep conversation with his own stalkers. For the faintest, briefest of moments, Gokudera hated himself fiercely. The way he was acting was unacceptable, even if he himself had no idea what was going on between him and Yamamoto.
"Fine." He took the ticket, ignoring the girl entirely as he stood up and went outside, 'Fuck this, I'm going out for a smoke.' He was, however, unaware of the pair of brown eyes that followed him until he disappeared beyond the door.
ooo
The last thing Gokudera wanted on a Tuesday afternoon was to see Yamamoto.
Especially when his eyes were heavy with lack of sleep and snot dripping out of his nose in the most possible degrading way. It was shameful in a sense that, the baseball nut, who had always been taller… and physically active, now stood on his doorstep looking healthier compared to his sickly self.
If he remembered correctly, the only person he informed about his flu was the Tenth. Come to think of it, he wouldn't be surprised if the whole famiglia's were already aware of his condition.
"What are you doing here?" His voice cracked and sounded not so nasty, much to his dismay. If he wanted Yamamoto out of here, he'd better talk with conviction. But since his body wasn't cooperating at that moment, Gokudera gave up and hoped his glare would suffice.
"Yo! Gokudera! I heard from Tsuna—"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm sick, answer the damn question." He demanded quite irritably, crossing his arms.
Yamamoto laughed and adorably scratched the back of his head. Gokudera inwardly cursed after putting adorable and Yamamoto in the same sentence.
"I asked my dad to make you some soup." He lifted the hand carrying a plastic bag, "It'll make you feel better."
The Italian wanted to say, 'You could've just brought me medicine, idiot.' but since Yamamoto's dad made the soup, he couldn't find the will to insult the man's way of thinking. Not to mention that he was extremely touched that the baseball nut would do something like that for him. Not that he would say that out loud to him. Some things are better left unsaid.
"Fine." Gokudera grumbled and opened his door wide open, allowing his unwanted guest to enter his apartment.
Once Yamamoto stepped inside, he felt the sudden change in the temperature, "Whoa, it's cold in here. Is the heater turned off?" He slipped off his shoes and walked across the small room.
"No. Heater's not working." Gokudera lazily waltzed in and moved to the kitchen as he started searching for something to put the soup in.
"Why? You should've paid someone to fix it, it's freezing in here." Yamamoto rubbed his arms to emphasize his point.
"I don't have the money to fix the damn heater… Hell, I don't even have the money to pay for next month's rent." His dad refused to send him money until he returns to Italy. He knew his dad's conviction wouldn't last long. Give him a month or two and he'll start sending his son's luxury again.
His internal diatribe was followed by a messy sneeze, which made both him and Yamamoto wince.
Yamamoto walked up to his side and grabbed the pot he was holding, "Go lie down, I got this." Expecting a fuss to be kicked up, Yamamoto was surprised when Gokudera handed him the pot silently and did as what he was told. It's not everyday you encounter a much solemn version of the fair-headed Italian.
Gokudera sat at the low-table and laid his head down and to the side so he could easily watch Yamamoto busy himself around the kitchen. Looking through the curtain that was his messy hair, he tried not to look like a lovesick school girl wanting something more than just friendship. He was pretty sure that he, Gokudera Hayato, was crushing on the stupid baseball freak, much to his utter horror. He could no longer ignore the abnormal thumping of his heart whenever Yamamoto was around. A simple smile and a dumb, luminous laughter can easily make the Italian flush like a girl. He didn't know how… he didn't know why… it just happened… no matter how cliché it sounded. He accepted it, even if his pride and ego was at stake.
The simple act of kindness was enough to melt and at the same time break Gokudera's heart. Watching Yamamoto now reminded him that the feeling was not mutual and his love will remain unrequited until he gets over him.
As easy as it sounded, Gokudera knew it would probably be the hardest thing he'll ever have to do.
So caught up with his own internal battle, he didn't notice when Yamamoto sat next to him and delivered him his chicken soup.
Being next to him, feeling his warmth, which was nonexistent in his god-forsaken apartment, made him feel dizzy. Pushing against his elbow, Gokudera sat straight up and took the spoon. He could feel Yamamoto's eyes following his every movement, even when the spoon disappeared between his lips.
"How is it?" Yamamoto's eyes were wide as he asked.
It didn't surprise Gokudera that the soup was delicious. Hell, every food the senior Yamamoto prepared tasted the best to him. "It's… good." He truthfully said before stuffing another spoonful down his throat. "Thanks."
Yamamoto looked smug, a contrast to his sigh of relief. "No problem."
Gokudera knew he was blushing when he caught Yamamoto staring at him. It was odd how his eyes were telling him 'only for you'. Perhaps the fever was getting to him, giving him pointless illusions.
"You don't have to sound so happy about it." Gokudera grumped.
There it was again, that infuriating megawatt laugh. "But I am. I was half expecting you to throw the soup at my face."
Gokudera was appalled and then glared, "I'm not that ungrateful, you idiot." He leaned away from the table and slouched sulkily while Yamamoto kept on laughing. It was an irritating ringing sound in Gokudera's ear that he wouldn't mind tolerating until he fell asleep.
Yamamoto lifted his chin and cocked his head to one side, smile gone. "Hey, Gokudera?"
The Italian looked up, trying to focus heavy-lidded eyes towards warm brown ones. "What?" He pushed the now empty bowl away from him and sat with his hands supporting himself from behind.
"Yesterday… that's the first time I've seen you talking to Aiko."
You're one to talk. Yesterday's the first time I saw you stuff a fucking love letter into your pocket, bastard. Of course, that was again left unsaid and instead he asked, "Who?"
"The one with the tickets."
"Ah," Gokudera finally recalled that fine morning when he, without thinking, agreed on a date with some unknown girl and then went out to the rooftop to smoke despite the rain. "What of it?" he shrugged at him rather laconically.
Yamamoto explained without tact, "Well I'm glad you're finally noticing the people around you. I guess that little speech I did when we were in the future worked after all."
Gokudera looked up at the other guardian, who was eyeing him with a guarded expression. There was something odd with the way Yamamoto was looking at him but then again, just like yesterday, he couldn't figure out what was off. Whoever made up that expression, the Italian thought irritably, should be hunted down and shot.
Was it just his imagination or did Yamamoto's smile seem skewed?
"Oh! And Fujiko-chan gave me the same ticket. I guess we're all going for a double date then." The Italian blinked a few times and then seemed at a loss for words. The pain in his chest was evident and if he listened closely, he could hear his heart breaking. Whoever this girlwas, she must've wished for an early death… or probably a severe insult bashing. And since when did Fujiko become Fujiko-chan, anyway?? "I hope you don't mind us tagging along. It'll be fun!"
Yes he did mind, but Gokudera wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of knowing that his insides were churning with a low heat of jealousy, "I'm not exactly jumping for joy, baseball freak." Gokudera reminded with a grunt.
It was in those moments when Gokudera wished Yamamoto were after the right-hand position. At least he would have a reason to hate him.
ooo
Friday morning found Gokudera watching Yamamoto swinging his bat again.
"Tenth, why do we have to watch this crap?" Gokudera gazed lazily at the baseball field before them.
Tsuna smiled, "It's been a long time since the last time I've seen Yamamoto play. I'm sorry for dragging you into this."
Gokudera shook his head in agitation, "N-no! That's fine! Anywhere the tenth goes, I'll follow!"
Tsuna shook his head and left the conversation hanging since the game was about to start (and he didn't want to hear anymore 'Right-hand-man' drabble from Gokudera).
The separate teams were already hunched together and exchanging strategic ideas. When that was over, everyone dispersed in different directions on the field. But instead of proceeding to their baseball positions, they went outside the field and appeared as if they were searching for something.
"Yo!" Yamamoto came running over to them, much to both Tsuna and Gokudera's surprise.
"Err… what's going on? Why is everybody leaving?" asked Tsuna while looking around.
"Ah!" Yamamoto grinned, "Well, it's tradition that you get a good-luck kiss before the game starts."
The Vongola boss and his right-hand-man both gawked at Yamamoto's blunt explanation, "I've never heard such tradition before." Tsuna said.
"Me too." Gokudera seconded.
Yamamoto just… well, laughed.
"Then why are you still here?" Gokudera questioned, even though he was a little upset over the fact that the idiot was kissing girls before each freaking baseball game!
Yamamoto looked at him and said, "You see, there's no need for me to running around if I could get it right here, don't you think?"
"Ha?" Tsuna was not prepared and neither was Gokudera, on what would happen in the next few seconds.
Yamamoto grabbed Gokudera's head between his massive hands and kissed both of his cheeks.
"Hiii!! Yamamoto—what are you doing??" Tsuna had a panic-attack and looked like he was about to faint.
Gokudera was stunned… embarrassed… and then finally downright furious. He punched Yamamoto as an initial reaction followed by a scandalous scream, "What the FUCK are you doing??" He felt humiliated, most especially since Tsuna was right there to witness everything. Speaking of which, Tsuna had already passed out. "Tenth!" Dutifully, Gokudera went to Tsuna's side, trying to revive him.
Yamamoto rubbed his sore cheek, "Haha! I thought it was custom in Italy to greet someone with a kiss. I don't see why you're so upset about it. You are after all, an Italian."
"SHUT UP!!"
ooo
Gokudera planned to ditch his "date" on Sunday.
He decided that seeing Yamamoto with another girl would not be healthy for his mentally retarded well-being. So not going to the concert, even if it IS his favorite band, was a wise choice.
So, when Monday morning came, he was not surprised at all when Aiko came up to him and slapped him in the face. He didn't say anything and accepted the assault since it was in very way, his fault. He allowed the girl to cry in front of him and throw obscene insults at hi, until she had had enough and turned away.
What hurt the most, was when he looked up and caught Yamamoto gazing at him in pity.
Gokudera hated that look.
He would've much preferred him laughing like an insane maniac than looking down on him like that. Gokudera knew Yamamoto was disappointed in him because he was supposed to open up and let people into his enclosed shell called PRIDE.
Needless to say, he was quite the selfish person that day.
ooo
"I'm sorry." Yamamoto told Gokudera when Tsuna left them on the rooftop for some Reborn business.
Gokudera was halfway to finishing his sandwich when he heard the unexpected apology. "What for?"
Yamamoto smiled wryly, scratching his cheek, "Well, for messing up your date with Aiko-chan."
Gokudera almost spat his juice, "What??" Why was the idiot apologizing to him? He's the one who's supposed to do that, not the other way around! Ugh, gross. He thought irritably when the juice somehow ended going up his nasal passage.
"I know I shouldn't have persisted with that double date thing. I know you would have been scared on your first date, so…"
"Excuse me?" Gokudera sounded downright insulted at that one.
"… I thought coming with you would be a great idea."
"W-wait! Hold it you babbling idiot!" Gokudera reached over and covered Yamamoto's mouth to shut him up. "On the count of five, I'll remove my hand and you'll have to use your common sense and talk slowly, understood?" When Yamamoto nodded, Gokudera counted and then did what he promised. "Alright, start over."
Yamamoto looked away in mild embarrassment. Apparently, he blamed himself for screwing up Gokudera's date because he couldn't leave him alone with other people. He purposely asked Fujiko to watch the same concert so he could arrange an innocent double date, which painfully backfired since Gokudera decided not torture himself and ditched the concert.
What kept swirling inside that fair head of his was, 'Yamamoto only dated Fujiko so he could watch over him.' It's amazing how one confession revealed a thousand things.
To Gokudera's horror, he felt his chest and throat loosen again and his heart lift. Don't even think about soaring, you traitorous bastard, he told his heart mentally. Don't. Even. Think about it.
He couldn't believe… how dense the baseball nut really was. The dead quiet was broken only by Gokudera's laughter. Caught off guard by the unexpected laughter, Yamamoto followed it with his own uncertain chuckles. Eventually, when it died down, he was clutching his stomach and his eyes glistened slightly.
As much as Yamamoto enjoyed seeing Gokudera laugh, he was still confused at what brought it on. "Gokudera?" Lately, Gokudera was acting strange. He could no longer read the Italian… he couldn't determine the way Gokudera's mind was working and it frustrated him. He didn't know when this sudden urge to know Gokudera more started but he was sure this type of obsession was not healthy. He tried being less annoying to him by avoiding or cutting-short a pointless argument. It never worked though, since the Italian was determined to push him away.
It worsened when he saw Gokudera start acknowledging his fan club that Monday morning. He knew he should be happy for Gokudera's social progress. He's the one who told him to open up to people other than Tsuna, so why was he…upset? Was it possible that he was only referring to himself? That he wanted Gokudera to talk to him.
It seemed Yamamoto spaced out for more than a minute since the next thing he knew, Gokudera was getting up, about to leave the rooftop.
"G-Gokudera! Wait!" he reached out and grabbed his wrist, pulling him back. "Where are you going?"
Grinding his teeth with his mounting anger, Gokudera spat, "Let go! You can't keep doing this to me!"
"No!" Yamamoto sounded rattled, "Did I do something stupid again?"
"What kind of question is that? Of course you did! But it's none of your business!" Gokudera tugged his arm but Yamamoto secured a stronger grip around his wrist. It was pointless to struggle but he was afraid that if he stayed any longer, every single thing he kept from Yamamoto would slip between his lips if he was not careful.
"You've said that before and it's a lame excuse."
Gokudera growled, "Can't you take a hint and leave me alone??"
Yamamoto gazed at him with undisguised surprise. At the same time, his grip loosened, freeing Gokudera's wrist. "Fine" Dark eyes smoldered dangerously, drawing an invisible shiver up Gokudera's spine.
Gokudera looked up at him, dismayed. This wasn't the first time he saw him this upset and it bothered him, just like the last time.
Yamamoto's mouth was set in a line of grim determination. "Talking to you is like trying to draw blood from a stone. I can't keep up with this." He calmly got up and started to walk away, wishing yet not really expecting Gokudera to stop him this time.
But he did.
"Wait"
Yamamoto stilled but did not turn to face Gokudera just yet.
"It—You didn't ruin anything, I… It was not because of that."
Those last words hung between them in silence. Lifting his gaze from the floor, Yamamoto looked over at the Italian, patiently waiting for him to continue.
Gokudera looked pained as he closed his eyes, forcing out the secrets he kept for so long. "I didn't want to see you with her!" It came out so easily that, Gokudera slapped a hand over his traitorous mouth, eyes wide as saucers.
This time, Yamamoto did turn and faced him, a look of surprise on his face. "That doesn't make any sense." But deep inside, he knew what the Italian said was the closest thing to a love confession as he could get.
A faint flush spread across Gokudera's cheeks as he watched the other advance closer. "Then make sense out of it! I will not repeat what I just said!" He involuntarily took a step back. His palm positively itched to be intimately acquainted with Yamamoto's cheek if he comes any closer. Why can't I just keep my mouth shut and let him walk out of my life?? It's less complicated that way! While Gokudera questioned his sanity, Yamamoto's face broke into a bright smile. Gokudera's heart skipped a beat.
"I don't know about that, but…" As Yamamoto braced himself against the wall, Gokudera swallowed, for his throat suddenly felt oddly restricted. "Guess what? You're not alone."
Gokudera finally summoned the courage to look up and meet him in the eye. He was stunned when he found Yamamoto smiling sadly down at him. "I—I don't like seeing you with other girls either."
Stop! Stop making me feel this way! He wanted to scream but the words were caught in his throat. Instead, he helplessly watched as Yamamoto laid a light kiss on his forehead. It was a mere brush of his lips across his skin but Gokudera felt like his chest would explode any minute.
His eyelids fluttered open, without realizing that he closed them in the first place and he found Yamamoto staring at him.
It seemed his love wasn't unrequited after all.
"You baseball freak! I've been suffering for so long, do you understand?? The least you can do is to kiss me properly!"
END