Lost and Found
Chapter One

Something was wrong, she knew that much at least.

Something was very, very wrong.

Raven pried her eyes open and stared at the blinding white light that practically burned her eyes. She winced and pulled away, burying her face into the stark-white pillow beneath her head. Around her she could hear the sounds of machines trying to keep her alive - beeps and barks to monitor every aspect of her body. Raven shifted, her head heavy and filled with broken memories and phantom sounds that didn't quite make sense. She clenched her hand next to her side, the muscles and bones aching and creaking with the movement, as if her body was healing but much slower than it usually did. Nothing… nothing felt right.

Raven wracked her thoughts, trying to piece together exactly what happened, and how she ended up here. The last thing she remembered was… was what? She remembered hitting her head. She remembered Blood, standing over her spouting out nonsense. She remembered another follower of the Word of Trigon muttering something thick and viscous in the back of his throat, but then… then her memories went blank. No lights. No sounds. No words that she had to try and piece any of this together. There was nothing there but darkness and pain. So much pain. As though her soul was being stripped from her body one thread at a time.

Raven sat up and held her head in her hands, wondering how in the world her spine could hurt so much. It felt like someone was trying to pull it out of the back of her head, and every part of her seemed to vibrate with pain. She ran her fingers through her hair and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. There was something at the back of her memory, a spell or a whisper, or… or something. She couldn't put her finger on what was wrong, but she knew something was - she didn't feel right.

"Raven!"

Dick's voice sounded like a rock in the middle of a storm something she could cling to while she was tossed around on wild waves, and she forced her eyes open to look at him. He was standing next to the bed she was on, his face contorted into an expression of worry and frustration, and that made her realize that there was something wrong. She swallowed and turned to him, the pain in her head melting into a dull thump that seemed to bleed into every part of her. She took another breath, her ribs aching as she moved.

"Dick… what… happened?"

He looked at her, but there was nothing in his eyes. No, that wasn't quite right. There was pity in his eyes. Sorrow. Apologies. There were things in his stare that Raven didn't know how to name, only that she saw them and she didn't want to. It felt like darkness was wrapping tight around her, but this time she didn't see that shadows pull towards her like they normally did. The room stayed blindingly bright, and nothing around her stuttered or cracked. Her heart picked up speed, and the monitor behind her beeped in unison.

"Raven…" Dick's voice was soft, his sentences swallowed by the stillness in the room. "How are you feeling?"

She pursed her lips, her eyes narrowing. She thought for a moment that she felt the burn of her magic at her fingertips, but it was never there. There wasn't the crackle of power running through her, or the rush of spells that came so easily, there was… there was nothing. Just an aching void where there had once been magic and power. She swallowed, her throat sore, and glared at him. "That's not what I asked."

Dick winced and he looked away, as if he couldn't bear to look at her while he spoke. "There was… I… I… Blood… and…" He stumbled over words, his voice cracking and breaking as he fought to find something that made sense to her. He had probably rehearsed this a hundred times, and yet when he actually had to tell her the truth, he was weak.

Raven kept swallowing breaths, uncertain if she was going to hyperventilate or not. Her head felt dizzy, full and empty at the same time, and she couldn't pin down what was wrong with her. She knew something was wrong, knew that there was something she needed to fix inside her, but she didn't know what it was. She reached out for the comfort of her shadows again, but nothing moved. She was still bathed in light, still not herself. Raven's hands shook, and she looked up into his face, a slow realization settling in her chest.

"My… my powers?"

Dick looked back at her for just a fraction of a second, and then turned away, saying nothing.

That did nothing to ease her fears, and panic started to strangle her, force her forward whens he didn't even understand her surroundings. "Dick… what happened to my powers? What happened to me?"

He finally looked back at her, his expression telling her everything she needed to know. "I don't know." His voice was barely above a whisper, and he finally met her stare. "I'm sorry, Raven… I don't know."

Raven just sat there, swallowed by the bright, sterile lights of the room, and without her staunch control to keep herself together, she wept.

Five Weeks Later…

"I swear it reeks like church after he leaves." Dick cringed as a shiver ran down his spine and he settled next to Raven on the sofa, kicking his feet out in front of him. "Constantine smells like incense and bad spells."

"It's fine." Raven shrugged, picking at her nails. The aching feeling in her chest spreading out until it threatened to consume her - again. It was a recurring feeling now, the low dips of sadness that eventually led to acceptance. Up and down. Up and down. Her human emotions were a rollercoaster she didn't want to ride anymore. Sighing, she looked down into the thick packet Constantine had given her, more out of concern for her mental well-being than an actual fix to her problems. She chewed on her lower lip and read her name printed on a label on the envelope. "It could be worse. Once he smelled like actual death for a whole two hours until a spell wore off."

"Gross." Dick's lip curled back in disgust and he cocked his head to the side, looking down at the envelope. "What's that?"

For a brief moment, Raven considered not telling him. It would be easier to say nothing at all, she felt alone in this anyway, so why should she trouble Dick with her problems? Besides, he had his own to worry about. Her fingers ran along the edges of the envelope and she sighed, finally looking up at him. "An acceptance letter and welcome packet. Constantine helped me fill out my college application."

Okay, that was a bit of a stretch, actually. He had coerced someone who owed him a favor into creating false documents about her so she couldn't be traced back to… what she had been before. So, now she could do normal things like get a job and go to school and learn how to file taxes. All the things Constantine told her to get used to while he looked for a fix for her. There was still no ETA on a cute for her lack of demon and all the powers that came with it, and that probably meant the worst now.

"Where… where are you going?" Dick shook his head, wincing. "To school, I mean. Where are you going to go to school?"

Raven looked up at Dick and saw the concern rest heavily on his face, even though he tried his best to hide it. She thought he would be excited to get her out of the tower and out of his hair, but he actually looked… disappointed. He looked like someone had punched him in the gut, and he stared at her for a long moment, waiting for a response that he wasn't sure would come. Raven looked away, running her fingers through her hair and trying to focus on anything other than that darkness that was spreading through her veins.

"Just to the local college. I… I thought it might be okay if I stayed around for a little? I mean, what if my powers do come back? I'd like to be part of the team again." She wrapped her hands tight around the packet as if it was the only thing anchoring her here to this moment, and sighed. Everything felt uncertain, as if the world was crumbling under her feet and she wasn't sure if she'd find solid ground again. "I know we've got some new recruits, and I just… I don't really have anywhere to go right now, so… is it… is it okay? I-"

"Raven." Dick turned to her, his eyes dark. He looked hurt that she had approached him with that kind of caution, and hadn't told him the truth. "Did you… did you honestly think that I wouldn't want you here? With the rest of the team? You're… you're part of our family. Of course we want you here. Of course. I just… I want to help you however I can." He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed, fighting to find words that made sense. "I want you to feel good again… I know… I know that I can't fix this and make things better, and I know that this is a wound you might never heal from-"

Raven didn't want to admit to him or herself that Constantine's own opinions were starting to lean that way.

"-but no matter what, I want to be here for you. We all do. You're our friend, and we love you." He leaned closer to her, resting his hand over her own. His touch was warm and comforting, and everything seemed to still around them. "I don't ever want you to think that you don't have a place here, and I don't ever want you to think that this isn't your home. We care about you. I care about you, and I want to help however I can."

Her heart turned over, and for a moment Raven could feel the emotions well inside her and tears prick her eyes. She wanted to believe him so bad. She wanted to trust him, wanted to think that things were going to be okay, but every part of her was screaming that this was a lie. There was nothing that could fix this, or help her. She was human - frail, fallible, broken - and she was going to stay this way for the foreseeable future. Right now, she could barely help her team with ops, and she nearly got Gar killed on a mission last week. She was helpless and hopeless, with nothing to save her or her teammates from herself.

"I… I need some time, Dick." Raven pulled her hand out from under his, and she made her way to the door. "I need some time to think about… this. About what this means."

Dick looked like he wanted to protest, like there was something else waiting to be said. He stood up, shifted, and finally nodded silently. It was acceptance of her situation - an understanding that there was nothing he could say that would make this right. And, honestly? Raven wanted it to stay that way. She didn't want him to try and fix her, when she didn't even know how she was broken.

"I'm going out… I… I don't know when I'll be back."

"But you'll be back, right?" Dick followed her for a few steps, his voice just above a whisper.

She nodded, more out of defeat than acceptance. "Where else do I have to go?"

Dick reached out to her, but pulled his hand back. She had asked for space, and he was going to try his best to give it to her. "You always have here, Raven. Your home will always be here."