A/N: This is for Iris (aka: meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee). I apologize for the length, but I had a difficult time locating another fairy tale as short as Goldilocks and the Three Bears. The Three Little Pigs text is not original—I adapted it from dltk-teach. And, of course, Stephenie Meyers owns the copyright to her incredible human-like vampires, half-vampires, and werewolves/shape-shifters.
Another Bedtime Story for Nessie
Reneesme climbed onto Emmett's lap, crushing his magazine in the process. She held up a book. Emmett glanced at the cover and grimaced: Romeo and Juliet.
"Don't you have something a little more age-appropriate?"
She gave him an indignant look but produced a slimmer book from her tiny back pack. She raised her eyebrows at him: is this what you consider age-appropriate?
Emmett cracked open the book and quickly counted the pages. It looked short enough…
He turned back to the first page and began to read: "Once upon a time there were three little pigs named Peter, Patty, and… why are you shaking your head?"
Reneesme let out a long sigh, suffering sigh and placed her hand against Emmett's cheek. She showed him an image of himself, Jasper, and Edward.
Emmett chuckled. Rosalie had called him a pig on more than one occasion. He cleared his throat and began again:
"Once upon a time there were three little pi—vampires--named Emmett, Jasper, and Edward, who left their mommy and daddy to see the world."
Reneesme showed him an image of the three Cullen brothers with camping gear waving goodbye to Carlisle and Esme.
Emmett didn't want to think about the last time he had gone camping. Damn grizzly bear…
"All summer long, they roamed through the fields and woods, playing games and having fun."
Reneesme showed the Cullen brothers arm wrestling (Emmett always won that one), racing (Edward winning), and play fighting (Jasper, of course, winning that one).
"None were happier than the three little pigs—I mean, vampires-- and they easily made friends with everyone they met.
Wherever they went, they were given a warm welcome and never had to worry about where they would sleep."
Emmett snorted at that, but Reneesme showed them meeting Rosalie, Alice, and Bella (all dressed like princesses, he noted.) "Taking a little artistic license, are we?"
Reneesme gave him a flat stare so he continued: "But as summer drew to a close, they realized that people were starting to prepare their homes for winter.
The three little pi—uh, vampires—decided that they too needed a home of their own to keep them safe and warm through winter."
"Peter, the first little…vampire, was the oldest of the three." Emmett looked down at Reneesme. "Edward?" Reneesme nodded.
"Edward, the first little vampire, was the oldest of the three. (Emmett rolled his eyes. Edward was eternally 17, for crying out loud! Both he and Jasper were technically older than Edward.)
"He decided to build a straw hut. 'It'll take only a day! Then I'll go have fun and play,' he sang enthusiastically."
Emmett shook his head. "That doesn't sound like Edward at all."
Reneesme pursed her lips but nodded her head in agreement. Emmett might not be the oldest, but he did like to have fun and play.
"The others disagreed. 'It's too fragile,' they said disapprovingly, but Peter—I mean, Emmett—refused to listen."
Emmett muttered, "Yeah that sounds like Edward and Jasper all right." Reneesme giggled.
Emmett scanned the next passage and snickered. "Who's Patty Pig? Edward or Jasper?"
Reneesme thought about it, chewing on her bottom lip; then she showed Emmett an image of Jasper.
Emmett nodded. "He is kinda girly." Renesmee frowned at Emmett and showed him an image of Jasper in a soldier's uniform.
Emmett patted Reneesme's arm lovingly. "That was a long, long, looonnng time ago, sweetie…
before Auntie Alice got her claws into him and emasculated him through shopping therapy."
Reneesme rummaged through her back pack and pulled out a dictionary.
Emmett stopped her when she flipped to section E. "Uh, maybe we should get back to the story."
"Jasper was the second little pig." Reneesmee interrupted by patting Emmett's cheek. She was shaking her head.
He laughed when she showed him Jasper wearing plastic vampire teeth and a Count Dracula cape. "Sorry, I forgot."
"Jasper was the second little vampire. She…," Emmett snorted, "… I mean, he, decided that a house of straw would be too cold during the winter
(and bugs might get in!)" A black widow named Maria? Emmett thought. "So he went off in search of twigs and wood to build his house.
Clunk! Clunk! Clunk! It took him two days to nail his house of wood together."
Emmett looked down at Reneesme. "What kind of vampire takes TWO days to build a simple wooden house?"
She giggled and shrugged; then she showed Emmett building her a tree house. He grinned at her. "Heck yeah. We'll do that tomorrow!"
Emmett found his place in the story and continued. "Jasper finished, looked at his house and thought to himself, 'Well…, it's a little wobbly and maybe it isn't my VERY best job…'"
Emmett pointed at the picture and said, "Ya think?" Reneesmee giggled. "'…but it's supposed to be warm this winter so it should do."
"Edward quietly voiced his opinion that the house didn't look sturdy enough to stand up to wind, rain, snow (or bugs)." Classic Edward... Always so critical...
"Emmett teased that Jasper had wasted a whole day searching for wood when he could have been having fun playing with him.
Jasper turned and sang out, 'It only took an extra day. Now I can go have fun and play.'" Gay, completely gay, Emmett thought.
Reneesme nudged him. He noticed the letter A then D and then another D flash in his mind.
"Who told you that?" Reneesme showed Emmett an image of Bella.
Item 1 on tomorrow's agenda: build Nessie a treehouse. Item 2: prank Bella like she's never been pranked before…
Reneesme showed Emmett A D D again. "Okay, sheesh…where was I…" Emmett scanned the page and picked up the story:
"Penny Pig…oh wait.., Edward Vampire was the youngest of the three and being the youngest loved to play as much as Emmett and Jasper did.
But he remembered what his mommy and daddy had taught him growing up. His daddy always told him, 'We don't expect you to be perfect Edward.'"
Emmett thought that maybe Jasper should have been Penny Pig. Wasn't Carlisle always telling Jasper they didn't expect him to be perfect?
Emmett wished he could have a free pass to suck some human blood. Everybody deserved a steak dinner every once in awhile, right?
Emmett saw A D D and could have sworn he heard an air raid horn accompanying the flashing letters in his mind.
Emmett twisted his finger in his ear and then continued to read: "And his mommy always added, 'We'll always be proud of you as long as you've done your best job.'"
Emmett made a gagging noise, but stopped when he saw Reneesme giving him a look he'd seen from Edward enough times over the past fifty-plus years.
If he wasn't careful, Nessie was going to be a stuffed shirt like Edward. He decided that tomorrow, he was going to build a tree fort, not a tree house,
and he and Nessie were going to throw water balloons on unsuspecting family members.
"So Edward Vampire sighed and thought, 'It will take time, patience, and hard work to build a safe, warm, comfortable house. I've never done it before…'"
Emmett stopped reading and cracked up, his shoulders shaking. "'…and I'm a little nervous.'" Emmett continued to laugh.
Renesmee placed her hand against his neck and showed him a question mark. "Private joke." Emmett shook his head and started to read again:
"Edward went to the library and took out some books about building houses. He spent two whole days reading the books before he decided
that a house of bricks would be the best choice." Emmett frowned. "Why didn't he just google it or purchase blueprints online?" Reneesme shrugged.
"Edward spent another whole day collecting supplies. A day to lay the foundation. Another to pour the cement. Yet another to stack the bricks and
four more to put on the roof and paint. Just to make sure that he'd tried his best, he decided to take a few more days to build some cozy wooden furniture to put in his house of bricks."
Reneesme showed Alice decorating Edward's house. Emmett raised his eyebrows. "What about Jasper?"
Reneesmee tilted her head up at Emmett; he saw she had a questioning look on her small face.
"Well… Alice and Jasper…they belong together and you have Alice decorating Edward's house, not Jasper's."
Emmett watched Renesmee tap her mouth with her forefinger as she considered this dilemma.
She placed her palm against Emmett's neck and showed Alice decorating all three houses. She glanced up at him, expectant, waiting.
"It's only fair," Emmett agreed, "Jasper's feelings might get hurt if Alice was out decorating some other man's house."
Emmett saw that Reneesme hadn't thought about that by the serious look on her face.
Emmett grinned down at her. "Disaster averted…shall we continue?" Reneesme smiled and nodded.
"By the time he was done with his house, two weeks had passed and the leaves outside had taken on their autumn colors.
Edward looked at his little house with pride. Sure, the chimney was a little crooked and the paint had dripped a bit here and there,
but Edward knew that he'd done his very best job and was quite proud of what he'd accomplished.
Emmett, Jasper and Edward spent the next day playing. The two older pigs teased Edward that he'd wasted the whole fall building his house
(and Emmett couldn't resist pointing out that even after all that work, Edward hadn't even managed to get the chimney on straight!)
But Edward was happy with the choices he'd made as he sat in front of his cozy fireplace that night."
Reneesme showed Emmett an image of her father sitting in the cottage in front of their fireplace, reading a book.
"Really?" Emmett asked. "You guys actually light that thing?" Reneesme showed him a question mark.
"Remember the scarecrow?" Emmett asked.
She nodded and showed the Wicked Witch of the East setting the scarecrow on fire with her broom.
"That's how you kill a vampire," Emmett said. He saw the scarecrow's face morph into Edward's and Reneesme's eyes grew wide.
"I'd be careful around that fireplace… remember Hansel and Gretel?"
Reneesme gulped. She showed Emmett a toilet.
"Oh okay, I'll wait." Reneesme slid down from his lap and sped toward the downstairs bathroom.
Emmett snickered. He wondered if he'd be able to hear Nessie's screams the next time Edward decided to light that fireplace.
Reneesme ran into the living room. "Did you wash your hands?" She held them out and Emmett inspected them.
He picked her up and placed her on his lap. "All right… where were we…"
"Emmett wasn't nearly as comfortable in his house of straw. The cold night air crept in quickly."
A wicked grin spread across Emmett's face as he thought, Should have invited Princess Rosalie over…
"Emmett hadn't taken the time to build a bed so he huddled in the corner on a mound of leftover straw.
As the sun rose the next morning, Emmett was starting to wish that he'd spent a bit more time on his house.
As he pondered what he was going to use to cook breakfast with, Emmett heard a knock on the door."
Emmett looked at Reneesme. "I don't cook breakfast!" She showed him that he did, indeed, cook breakfast. "That was your breakfast… I don't eat waffles."
"'Who's there?' Emmett asked... it was awfully early for visitors.
Emmett hadn't been the only one wondering about breakfast. A big, bad, hungry wolf had wandered through the forest.
He hadn't eaten for awhile and a nice young vampire was just the kind of breakfast he was craving!"
Emmett grinned at Reneesme. "Is Jake the big, bad wolf?"
She shook her head. Emmett said, "I think he is." Reneesmee shook her head again. "I think he is," Emmett sang at her.
She crossed her arms and stuck out her bottom lip. "Okay, you picture who you want," Emmett said, and I'll picture Jake!
"'Come out!' ordered the shape-shifting wolf, his mouth watering. 'I want to speak to you!'
Reneesme glared at Emmett. "What?" he asked innocently, trying not to grin.
"Emmett may have been a bit lazy, but he certainly wasn't dumb. 'I'd rather stay where I am,' he replied.
"'Come out now!' yelled Jake fiercely.
Reneesme pulled the book from Emmett's hands and replaced it with Romeo and Juliet.
"Okay, I'll stop… please… " Anything but Romeo and Juliet!
Reneesme gave Emmett a smug look and handed him The Three Little Pigs.
Emmett opened the book. "'Come out now!' yelled the wolf fiercely. 'Not by the hair on my chin-y chin chin,' teased Emmett (after all, what could the wolf do about it).
"Yeah, especially without your pack," Emmett said under his breath. Reneesme narrowed her eyes at him. "I didn't say anything!"
"'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll bloooooow your house in!' threatened the wolf who blew with all his might, right onto the house.
All the straw that Emmett had heaped against some thin poles fell down in the great blast." Reneesme giggled.
"Just for the record…I would NEVER build a straw house," Emmett said.
Reneesme showed Emmett an image of the scarecrow from The Wizard of OZ movie. He was on fire.
Emmett nodded. "Exactly!"
"Emmett dashed as fast as he could to his brother Jasper's house. Jasper had heard the commotion. He ran and pulled the door open for his brother.
The wolf ran after Emmett and shouted, 'Come out and play with me!' just as the door slammed in his face.
'Not by the hair on our chin-y chin chins,' replied Jasper.
'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll bloooooow your house in!' yelled the wolf who blew with all his might, right onto the house.
The wooden house creaked and squeaked and then collapsed like a pack of cards."
Reneesme showed Emmett a house of cards in the trees, blowing apart, as a twister touched down near the Cullen house.
"We're not in Kansas and no, our tree house won't be weak like that." Reneesme nodded and Emmett continued with the story:
"Emmett and Jasper dashed out and were halfway to Edward's house before the last twig had hit the ground.
Edward urged them in, took one last look at the crooked chimney, crossed his fingers and slammed the door.
'Come out here, now! I want my breakfast,' growled the wolf, not bothering to pretend anymore.
'Not by the hair on our chin-y chin chins,' replied Emmett, Jasper and Edward.
'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll bloooooow your house in!' yelled the wolf who blew with all his might, right onto the house.
Nothing happened.
The wolf drew an even deeper breath and blew again. And again! But Edward Vampire's house of bricks with the crooked chimney and drippy paint
was his very best job and it would NOT fall down no matter how hard the wolf blew.
After all his huffing and puffing the wolf was even hungrier than he'd been to begin with and he was not about to give up.
He climbed carefully up a nearby ladder and scrambled onto the roof. Before Emmett, Jasper and Edward knew what was happening, the wolf started to slide down the chimney!
'Yikes!' cried Emmett.
'We're toast!' sobbed Jasper.
'Bacon, actually!' wailed Edward."
"No, Jasper's right, Edward Know-It-All," Emmett screamed at the book. "You guys are burnt… like toast! Mwahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa—"
Emmett looked down at Renesmee.
She was giving him THE LOOK.
He clamped his mouth shut.
Who'd she learn that from? He couldn't remember ever having seen Bella or Alice give Edward or Jasper THE LOOK.
He didn't think Saint Carlisle ever did anything to earn him THE LOOK.
She must have seen it on Rosalie's face.
God knows he'd done enough stuff to earn him THE LOOK.
Emmett cleared his throat and read:
"But slowly the three little pigs realized that the wolf had somehow gotten stuck before he had made it all the way down."
Emmett winced. The same thing had happened to him when he'd tried to slide down the chimney at the Cullen Cabin. Once. At Christmas. With nothing on but a little Santa Hat… ***
"Understanding what had happened, Edward started to giggle nervously." Like the girl he is. He wished Edward wasn't hunting so could hear the insult.
"'I think he got caught in the crooked part of my chimney!'
"Emmett nodded with disbelief, jumped up and threw some wood onto the fireplace. Jasper grabbed the matches and started a fire which was soon roaring.
It didn't take long for the three little vampires to hear the anguished howl of the wolf as he scrambled back up the chimney.
The flames licked his hairy coat and his tail became a flaming torch.
'Never again! Never again will I go down a chimney!' he growled, as he tried to put out the flames in his tail. Then he ran away as fast as he could."
Emmett closed the book. "If this wolf had been a shape-shifting wolf instead of a regular wolf he could have phased into a human,
shimmied down the chimney with no problem, phased into a wolf, and gobbled up those three little pigs."
Reneesme pressed her palm against Emmett's cheek and reminded him that the wolf would have been faced with three vampires,
not three little pigs. "Oh yeah I forgot about that." He grinned at Reneesme. "In that case, the wolf would have gotten his tail kicked!"
Reneesme rolled her eyes shook her head at him. She reached into her back pack and pulled out Romeo and Juliet. Emmett groaned.
A/N: *** reference to fan fic He'll Be Coming Down the Chimney When He Comes posted by anuddaone and acireamos: very funny you should check it out if you haven't read it.