for the thriver era
"Ally?"
As soon as she hears his voice, her mind goes blank. It's been almost a year since she last heard that voice, except last time it was yelling at her in their final argument. Now, it's soft, sweet, like the maple syrup he likes to drown his pancakes in. She almost wishes it was the same raw, cracked, crying voice she remembers; it would've been easier to hear.
She looks up at him slowly, and all of a sudden her mind is reeling with flickers of flashbacks. The way the sunset made his blonde hair look like it was glowing on their first date; the way those arms felt wrapped around her as they drifted off to sleep every night; the way those hazel eyes sparkled when he told her he loved her for the first time; the way that tiny, nervous smile turned into a grin that took up his entire face when she told him she loved him too.
"Austin. Moon. Um, hi," she stammers. "What - what are you doing here?"
"Well, I, uh…This is my girlfriend's favorite café, and I'm getting her coffee to surprise her." He sheepishly holds up the coffee cup in his hand, suddenly avoiding eye contact. She's almost relieved.
"Right," Ally says, staring down at her half-eaten croissant. The half in her stomach feels like it's turned to stone. Of course he would find any opportunity to show her how much better he's doing than she is since the breakup. "How's that going?"
"It's going alright," he says. At least he has the decency to sound a little uncomfortable. "We moved in together about a month ago, so…"
"I'm happy for you," she says quickly, picking up her trash off the table and throwing it in the bin beside her. "Well, good luck. Nice to see you again. Bye."
She leaves before he can have a chance to respond.
As soon as she's safely locked in her car, she breaks down in tears. She clutches the steering wheel, and then her nauseous stomach, and lets the tears roll down her cheeks and fall into her lap. She hasn't cried like this since…well, since that night. So she lets herself cry away all the pain, all the resentment, all the loneliness until her throat is raw and she runs out of tears. She pulls out her phone with shaking hands and debates calling someone. Her mom? Her best friend? But just thinking about recounting even that short interaction makes her sick to her stomach again. Instead, she just drives home, back to the apartment they used to share.
She's pretty much wiped the place clean of any memory of him. Still, after today all she can think about is how many times they sat snuggled up in this exact spot on the couch, how instead of sitting wrapped in a blanket numbly staring at the TV she was sitting wrapped in his arms laughing at some silly joke he just told her. She tries to remind herself of all their problems, all the issues that came up during that last fight when they were screaming at each other from opposite ends of the living room at two a.m. It helps a little: she remembers how immature he was, how often selfish, how he stopped showing her he even cared. But she also remembers those nights they'd spend having giggly staring contests with only the moonlight sneaking into their room between the curtains to see each other.
She tries to reason with herself that she's just lonely; she doesn't miss him, she misses being in a relationship. That one actually does work, and it's enough to get her functioning a little again. She gets up off the couch and cleans the entire apartment, once again washing away any trace of him that still might linger.
Two weeks after the encounter, she can almost convince herself that she's forgotten about it; it didn't affect her life in any way other than her breakdown that day.
Well, that's what she thought, at least.
When she hears three soft knocks on her door at midnight on a Thursday, she almost doesn't open it. It very easily could have been a knock on one of her neighbors' doors, and how embarrassing would that be, to open the door only to find that it was just Apartment 410's bootycall, or Apartment 414's midnight shame-pizza deliveryman? It also could've been her imagination, or the building settling, or a ghost, or a murderer. But for some reason, she opens the door anyway. Surprisingly (or maybe not), it was none of those things.
He's clearly drunk, holding onto the doorframe with one hand for balance. His other hand clutches the handles of a duffle bag. He looks disheveled, with wrinkled clothes and his hair sticking up in all directions. His face is red and his eyes are bloodshot and puffy, probably from the alcohol, but she notices tear streaks on his cheeks.
"I – I didn't know where else to go," he manages, his voice breaking pathetically.
She's so overcome with worry for him that she completely forgets about the whole him-being-her-ex part. She grabs his arm and pulls him inside, shutting the door behind him.
"What happened to you?" she asks, helping him sit down on the couch. He drops his bag at his feet.
"Piper, she…" He trails off and leans forward, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes. "I walked in on her and some guy."
"What were they doing?" she asks. She's making an effort not to jump to the worst case scenario.
He lifts his head out of his hands and rolls his eyes. "They were making daisy chains. What do you think they were doing, Ally?!" He sniffles and wipes a few new tears off his face. "I'm sorry," he says quietly.
"I'm sorry," Ally tells him, resting a hand on his arm. "What'd you do after you caught them?"
"Asked them to kindly pause while I packed my stuff and got the hell out of there. She was crying, I think. I don't remember, it's kinda all a blur. I grabbed whatever drinks I could find on my way out and just started running. Next thing I knew, I was getting out of a cab here."
Her heart aches for him. She can't imagine loving somebody only to catch them with someone else. As much as he hurt her, she wouldn't wish that fate on anyone.
"Well…if you need to stay here – "
He looks at her, those big puppy eyes so shattered that she finds herself hugging him. He freezes for a second, but then he wraps his arms around her and buries his face in her shoulder.
"I'm so sorry, Austin," she whispers.
He tightens his arms around her, and she loses track of how long they stay like that.
He's still asleep when she leaves for work the next day. She writes a quick note explaining in the nicest possible way what happened last night in case he doesn't remember and telling him to make himself at home until she gets off work.
She manages to leave work a couple hours early, and she half expects him to still be passed out when she walks in. What she doesn't expect is a vase of fresh flowers on the counter, a croissant from the café they reunited at on the dining table, and a very shirtless Austin Moon deep-cleaning the kitchen and appliances.
"Um, hello," she says, setting her purse and keys on the counter.
He jumps in surprise and turns to look at her, eyes wide. "Ally. Hi. I, uh, I was gonna be gone by the time you came back. I just wanted to do something to thank you for letting me crash here last night – "
"It's okay. Did you find somewhere to go?"
"My parents moved to Georgia a couple months ago and Dez is out of town for a few weeks with his fiancée – er, fiancée-to-be. I'll probably just stay in a hotel until I figure something out."
Her heart reacts before her brain has time to. "You can stay here," she says before she can stop herself.
He looks at her after putting his shirt back on. "I couldn't do that to you. You've already done more than enough for me in the past twenty-four hours."
"Do what to me? You're cleaning my kitchen."
"I mean…if you really don't mind. You can kick me out."
"Don't be ridiculous. We're both civil adults. You can stay here."
She's not sure why she's trying to convince him. Just seeing those eyes hurts her. But he's clearly hurting more than she is right now, and it's in her nature to help anyone and everyone she can. Even if that means letting her ex stay in the apartment they used to share. She immediately dismisses any question of genuine lingering feelings. She refuses to go down that road.
That night, he gives her more details about the situation. As they sit across from each other eating takeout at the dining table, she's painfully reminded of all the nights they've done this before.
"She called me today. I didn't pick up, but she left a super long voicemail. She was crying, like she's the victim." He rolls his eyes and chews his food angrily. "Turns out she barely even knew the guy."
"Well…at least it was only a one-time thing," Ally tries.
"No," he says, "she said it's been going on for about a month. I don't know how she didn't bother finding out anything about him, but that's just the way it is, I guess."
"I'm sorry," Ally says.
"It's not your fault."
"No one deserves to get cheated on."
"Thanks," he mutters.
It only takes about another day for them to fall back into old routines. He gets up early and makes breakfast, they eat together, and then he works from the couch while she gets ready in her room in an attempt to force herself to treat this like any other Saturday. His best friend gets back in town in just a week, so she knows this arrangement is nowhere near permanent, but the normalcy of it throws her off regardless. If she didn't know any better, she would think they were back to permanently cohabitating.
"Hey, Ally? Can I ask you something?" he says when she walks back into the living room.
"You just did," she replies. "What's up?"
He swallows, avoiding her eyes. "Well, I was just wondering…was I, um…good?"
She knits her eyebrows in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, when we were dating…did I…y'know…satisfy you?
She feels the heat rise to her face. "Austin – "
"I know, I'm sorry," he says in a rush, his face turning bright red too. "Stupid question. I shouldn't have asked. You don't have to answer. I just…wanna know if it's me, or…"
She sighs as soon as she sees the pain in his eyes. He's staring at his lap and fiddling with a loose sticker on his laptop.
"Austin, it's not your fault she cheated on you."
"I just thought, maybe I'm just not good enough in bed or something."
"I'm sure that's not it."
"You're sure that's not it because she shouldn't have cheated on me and you don't really know what to say to make me feel better, or you're sure that's not it because I'm the best lover you've ever had?" he asks her.
Despite how annoying the question is, she finds herself smiling a little, especially when she sees the tiny smile creeping onto his face. "I'm not gonna dignify that question with a response," she tells him.
"Then I'm just gonna have to assume it's the latter," he warns.
"You do what you gotta do," she says. He is sorta right. She hopes he doesn't see her sudden longing for him in her eyes.
That night, as they sit across from each other on the floor eating takeout at the coffee table, she's painfully reminded yet again of what used to be. He's been quiet for a while, and she can tell by the look on his face that he's searching through his memories for something that he did wrong.
"The relationship was doomed anyway," he finally says decidedly, examining a noodle hanging off his chopsticks. "The magic kinda disappeared."
"If you go through life looking for magic, you're gonna end up disappointed," she says.
"I'd like to think that's not true," he says, watching as the noodle on his chopsticks falls back into his takeout container. He sets his chopsticks down and meets her eyes. "The magic never went away with you."
Her heart pounds against her chest. He felt that too? "We broke up," she manages. "Isn't that kinda the definition of the magic disappearing?"
Austin shrugs, in that way he always does when he says something a little whimsical but he knows it makes sense anyway. "I think we broke up because the timing just wasn't right, not because any magic went away. But that could be just me."
"What do you mean?" she asks, trying to steady her breathing.
"I dunno. I like to believe that everything happens for a reason. That's what makes the whole thing with Piper a little more bearable. So I think you and me broke up because it wasn't the right time yet and we both had more growing to do before we could ever be compatible."
"So you think we could be compatible in the future?" she asks incredulously. Even though she misses him more and more by the second, that seems like a bit of a long shot. "We got in screaming matches over nothing."
He shrugs again. "I'm not trying to convince you. I'm just saying that losing you and then being with Piper I learned that what I felt for you was unique. What we had doesn't just happen every day."
She swallows. "You were the first person I ever felt safe being myself around," she tells him slowly. "You were a breath of fresh air after all my crappy exes before you. Do you think that's magic?"
"I know you do."
"How could you possibly know that?"
"Because I know you, Ally." She opens her mouth, but he interrupts her (like he has a tendency to do). "But it doesn't matter. What's past is past. Everything happens for a reason, and we clearly broke up for a reason. I just…thought you should know that what I felt for you was a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love, and I'm glad that I spent it on you."
She feels her cheeks heat up. "I loved you too, you know. I wanted it to work. More than anything."
He nods, picking up his chopsticks again. "I suppose it's our faults for rushing into it when the timing wasn't right. If we had just waited – "
"But we didn't."
He presses his lips together in a tight line. "Right." Then he stands up and throws away their empty takeout containers.
She immediately feels guilty. "I didn't mean – "
"No, you're right. No use dwelling on the past. What matters is the future."
And with that cryptic sentiment, he walks off to the bathroom to shower.
"If it's hurting you, kick him out. You don't owe him anything."
"Trish," Ally whines into the phone. "I don't want him to leave. That's part of the problem."
"Ally, you know you're my best friend and I love you, but you know he makes you kinda crazy. And right now, you're acting crazy. You two broke up for a reason! You drove each other nuts! Don't do this to yourself again. And besides, he just got out of a serious relationship that crushed him. You would just be the rebound," Trish says.
"He's only gonna be here a couple more days. The things he's been saying and doing…it feels like – "
"No. Don't do that," Trish says. "Don't overanalyze or let yourself fall back into this again."
"I still love him," Ally says matter-of-factly. Her heart pounds – it's the first time she's admitted it out loud. "Or, maybe I just fell in love with him again. Either way, every time he smiles I get butterflies like a thirteen-year-old. We have magic, Trish."
"That's something he said, isn't it?" Trish asks knowingly.
"Maybe. But he's right."
"Well, what are you gonna do about it?"
"That's my problem. I don't know. Anyway, I just got home. I'll talk to you later."
Ally hangs up the phone and walks into the apartment. Austin looks over at her from the couch and smiles. "Hey ba – Ally." He clears his throat. "Accidentally called you Bailey. Don't know why I would do that since my ex's name is Piper, but…"
She sees how much he's floundering, so she decides not to call him out. She's lost count of how many times she's almost used her old nicknames for him since he's been staying here.
"We all say weird things sometimes."
"This is true. Hey, do you wanna go to that café? I know it's a little late for coffee, but I think I need to go there to kinda start cleansing myself of her, and I'd appreciate the company."
"Sure," Ally says, smiling a little. "I'm proud of you for trying to move on."
"Thanks," he replies, standing up. "I'll drive."
They walk outside to his car, and as they drive in silence to the café, she can't help but stare at him. He's got an easy smile on his face, one hand on the steering wheel and the other resting between them, and the wind coming through his rolled-down window is rustling his hair. His eyes are sparkling in that way she grew so used to when they were together, and she misses him so much it hurts.
As soon as they park and he looks over at her with those dimples, she can't take it anymore. She unbuckles her seatbelt, grabs his face, and kisses him, squeezing her eyes shut to try to block out any possible consequences of her actions. But instead of pushing her away and getting mad, he almost immediately kisses her back. Her chest fills with a feeling she can only describe as magic in itself, and the feeling spreads to the rest of her body.
She starts pulling away, but he follows her and reconnects their lips softly. "I want you," he mutters against her lips after a couple more seconds. "I want you back, Ally."
"I didn't mean to do that," she whispers.
He leans his forehead against hers and takes one of her hands off his cheek and moves it into his hair. She combs her fingers through it without thinking, and all she wants to do is kiss him again.
"Please, Ally," he whispers, pressing his lips to hers again.
She gives in and kisses him back – just because she misses him so much – but then she comes to her senses and pulls away again, far enough to look at him.
"Austin, we fought all the time."
"We've grown," he says. "We've both changed. Matured. There's a reason I ran into you and there's a reason Piper cheated on me. This is the right time. I know it. Can't you feel it?"
Being with him has always felt right, and now is no different. But she's scared; she's not sure if she'll be able to handle losing him again.
"This time will be different," he says, reading her mind. He searches her eyes hopefully. "You're it for me, Ally. If it isn't you, I don't want it to be anybody else."
She swallows. How can she possibly argue with that?
Seeming to read her mind again, he leans in and kisses her. She instinctively tries to move closer to him, but the console between the two front seats in the car makes it difficult.
"I love you," he breathes. Those words sound so right coming out of his mouth, that she can't even bring herself to be shocked that he says them. "I've always loved you. You are my magic, Ally."
She pulls away from him again to look him in the eyes. She has to make sure he understands how serious she is. "I love you, too," she tells him. "And I miss you. And I want you back."
He smiles at her – one of those smiles she adores, the kind that spreads to his whole face and lights up his eyes. She realizes in that moment that he was right all along: they're meant to be together, or as 'meant to be' as they can be in the real world. Maybe they got the timing wrong on their first try, but this time every single star in the universe has aligned for them. And if, for some reason, this isn't the right time either, they'll just find their way back to each other, again and again and again.
hey so i thought i'd give a little life update for any of you who care and/or don't follow me on twitter:
1. i'm almost done w my freshman year of college (i think last month was like 6 years on here? that's crazy?) and it's been kinda awesome but also kinda hell. you know how that stuff be
2. i've made some amazing friends, including a cute boy who lives right down the hall from me. it was basically love at first sight and we became best friends within a couple weeks which is awesome but there's been hella drama so that's ass (see below)
3. i've been in a terrible love triangle w the boy from (2) and a girl i've been close friends w since second grade and it's ugly and truly exhausting
4. my life has literally become consumed w (2) and (3) so that's basically all the updates i have, however if anyone cares, my story w the boy is literally just a shitty fanfic w a bad ending, BUT there have been a lot of cute individual moments that i will definitely be using in my writing (ex: he definitely said "it's you. if it isn't you, i'm honestly done") ((it wasn't me, and he wasn't done, but that's neither here nor there))
anyway i haven't written an author's note this long in years, but i figured i kinda owed it to you guys for anyone who cares about my life to kinda let you know what i've been up to lol. thanks for reading and sticking with me all this time! i love you all!