"Shhh shh it's ok now," I whisper softly, trying to settle Levi's quivering shoulders under my fingers. I can feel all of the tendons and the long, thin collarbones twitching with each angry sob that Levi is trying to contain. "I've got you," I assure him. I shift my body to support his small frame better, in case he needs it.
It is the day that Kenny Ackerman killed Sammy. I had arrived in Levi's pathetic little Underground home, only to find it empty. No one home. Sitting and waiting for Levi to show up is always nerve-wracking. It gives me too much time to wonder what situation I'm about to encounter.
This time it's Levi, age 17 or 18, coming home on the knife's edge between fury and complete emotional despair. His face is tight and swollen from a fresh beating and his shoulder hunches down to nurse bruised ribs on the left side. I had to bite back my own rage at that. Kenny always liked to kick him, he'd told me on many occasions. After beating them down, Kenny loved kicking the shit out of his boys.
If there's one thing I've learned about my commanding officer over the years, it's that he can take more shit than anyone in the world and keep a straight face. He always tries to contain it, but this time he's failing.
"I hate him! I fucking—" He chokes on it, the anger is too raw. His shoulders buck forward with it, making him twitch out of my grasp. "He did it like it was nothing! Like Sammy hasn't been with him his entire life!" His hair flicks wildly away from his face with every manic shake of his head. Kenny has put Levi through personal hell, but killing Sammy is too much, apparently.
The older boy had never been a friend to Levi, per say. He was brash and vain—a fool. But he was a human life none the less.
"Levi—" I venture, but he's not ready to listen.
"No, no, he's—" He waves a stiff and trembling finger around and licks his lips, turning this way and that, needing to direct his anger but finding nothing to satisfy him. It builds and builds until he breaks down. He squeezes his eyes closed and cries through clenched teeth. When he starts to fall, I help him sit down beside me. "I'm gonna kill him. I swear to god."
"Yeah," I say, "we will." I give his arm a tough squeeze—I'm with you—and nod at him until he nods back strong.
"Yeah. Fucking kill 'im."
"We will."
"When?" There's no budging in his expression—he's back to steel now, tears already vanishing from his eyes. He's right: this monster needs to die, and I've been itching to do it for a long time. To finally rid Levi's world of Kenny Ackerman would be a blessing—not just for him personally, but for the entire Underground population. If we plan this right, we could succeed. I know it.
It's when my lips part to speak that I realize I've gone slow. Everything is turning cold and thick as the oil of time drags me back.
"When?" he repeats, far away.
Not yet, I think, annoyed. I just got here! We have to plan! I have to help him! I try desperately to blink and clear my vision as the darkness grows thicker, but I'm so slow that by the time my eyes open again I'm already back.
It always takes me a few moments to adjust once I arrive, whether coming or going. The search for Levi is the only thing that orients me through time. Here I find him right away, lying beside me. His black head of hair looks shiny and soft, bits of it strewn over the white pillow.
Thank god, I think, coming back to my senses. He is facing away from me, asleep. I roll closer to him, carefully situating my top arm over his side and breathing in the smell of him. Black tea and linen. So different from how he smelled just moments before…
"When was it this time?" Not asleep. He doesn't even sound tired. I wonder vaguely as I trace circles onto his side if he had been awake long, just waiting patiently for me to return from his past.
I swallow before speaking. It's normal to us now—talking like this, as if it's not completely insane—but I still feel like some of these topics are too sensitive. The things I see and the things we do, both in the past and in the present, are far from casual conversation.
When I do speak, I'm careful to keep my voice soft and steady. "It was the day Sammy died." I can feel more than see Levi nod into the pillow. He makes a long exhale. I wish I could see his face. He probably turned away from me on purpose, knowing that I'd been somewhere sensitive this time.
"How'd you sleep?" I ask in the silence that follows.
"Tch. Cheeky brat." Levi rolls over in a second and plants his mouth firmly onto mine. He tastes like mint, which answers my question. He's been up for ever, then.
"I'm sorry," I mumble into his mouth. He'd complained about it before: that I'm loud and tend to sleep talk. "I always wake you up."
Levi pulls his head away slightly and settles into the crook of my neck. "It's fine. But if you slack off during our training maneuvers today, I'm going to beat the shit out of you in front of everyone, understand?"
I can't help but chuckle at that. Lately, Levi has been giving me a hard time in front of the other Survey Corp members. He says it's disciplinary, because I'm a lousy soldier, but I'm pretty sure that he only does it to diffuse any suspicions that people may have about us. Which—being that my friends have finally joined us on the field—is becoming a major concern.
"You're not going to be laughing when my foot's in your mouth," Levi gripes, starting to get restless in my arms. "Now get off of me and go get ready for the day," he orders. I obey with a groan.
I hate to leave in the morning. It's the worst part of the day. To untangle myself from him, to leave our sanctuary and go about my day having to pretend that I had never even been there is like torture. But I can endure it for him.
For him, I could endure anything.
I have to stop in the doorway as I go, I can't help it. "Heichou?"
"Hmm?" He has his back to me, putting on clothes. I can't help but stare at the muscular lines of his body.
"Did we kill Kenny?" The way his body tenses up is answer enough, but he tells me anyway.
"No."
By the time we get our first break from training, we're all physically wiped out. Jean is sitting in the shade of a big tree, resting his head on his knees. Armin is doubled over, close to vomiting. Connie and Sasha are lying in the grass, their chests heaving in disjointed rhythms. Even Mikasa is notably sweating.
Levi wasn't kidding, he's not anyone's favorite person today. This was the training from hell, and I was getting it worst of all.
"Fucking prick," Jean coughs out, still trying to get his lungs back. "I thought we were done with boot camp."
I shoot him a frustrated little glance, which he could take as an agreement rather than a reprimand.
Some of the older Survey Corp members walk by us in a cluster, chuckling as they go. The tallest one, who I recognize from my first few days here, calls out in a jerky, sing-song voice, "Welcome to the Survey Corp, kiddies! He's a charmer."
I manage what I hope looks like a confident wave in their direction, despite how my heavy and drooping my limbs are feeling. Being that I've been here the longest out of us younger soldiers, I know everyone at least a little and I'm actively trying to be a more pleasant, likable person. I know that a lot people are wary of me—considering my condition—so I can't afford to be as brash as I used to be.
Mikasa's terse words bring me back to the group of younger soldiers, "Who does he think he is, treating you like garbage?"
"Huh? Who?"
"Levi Heichou," she spits his title like a curse and I feel my face flush. Before I can think of something to say in his defense, Armin pipes up from behind me,
"Well, he is Humanity's Strongest, Mikasa."
"Humanity's Meanest, maybe," Connie sighs.
"Humanity's Snarkiest, most Self-Absorbed, you mean," Jean counters, sounding a bit more sure of his breaths now.
"He treats you like trash," Mikasa comes again, her tone even more dark and monotone than before, which is never a good sign. "I wanted to kill him at your trial. And now to finally get back to you and see how he treats you—like a monster!" She shakes her head, swallows, and starts again. "He looks at you like you're an animal. It's unbelievable!"
I shake my head. "He's…" What can I say in his defense that Levi wouldn't be angry if he overheard? He's always on me about keeping our relationship an absolute secret. "He's not bad, Mikasa. He's the Lance Corporal. He's just doing his job to help protect humanity. It's not fair for us to question him."
Apparently that isn't a believable argument coming from me, because she takes a step closer, her eyes baring into me as she lowers her voice. "Are you ok, Eren? Tell me. If he hurt you over this past month, I'll make him pay."
"No! No, he hasn't. I'm fine, Mikasa. Really." As if you could…
The bend in her mouth tells me just how dissatisfied she is with all of my answers, but I don't want to give her any more time to question me about him. I turn back to the group and suggest that we go get some water to drink before training starts up again. Connie and Jean come with me.
It's a long walk through the HQ grounds to get to the well and we're tired. I could that feel my body has been heating up to regenerate, making my muscles mend and grow stronger. The cut on my face from one of Levi's disciplinary lashings is already gone, too. But the other two are not as quick to bounce back as I am, and they make themselves feel better by grumbling—mostly about Levi.
"He's a hell of a lot worse than the other commanders. He's fucking cold, man!" Connie complains a little too loudly.
"Yeah, well they say he was a mob boss in the Underground," Jean says, much more quietly. "You can't expect him to be civil."
"You'd think they'd have a better screening process for the military. I didn't think I'd have a thug as my commanding officer."
That's it, "He's the best damn soldier in the world," I start. It comes out in a baited growl, but Jean talks right over me, saying,
"If there were a screening system, you'd be back in the fields, too, Connie. And no way Eren makes it in, either."
At that, Connie laughs and gives me a friendly elbow to the ribs. "Oi, Eren. Has he been riding you this hard since you got here? Or just putting on a show for us?"
My stomach does a flip. "Uh…" That's too close for comfort. I can feel my face turning pink as they smile and watch me, waiting for a joking response to a joking question.
"Oi! Eren!"
It's Levi's voice from afar. I have to hold back my sigh of relief. Where is he? I look along the fields until my eyes finally find him, stalking toward us, looking genuinely miffed. Oh, well. He could come over here and punch me in the face and I would be thrilled that he showed up to save me from this conversation.
"Break time is over," he is snarling. His steel grey eyes show nothing up disdain for us all. "Get your good-for-nothing asses back to the training field. Or do you want to let your comrades get eaten by Titans while they stand around waiting for you all day?"
"Sorry, sir," Jean mutters, turning back at once.
"Tch."
"I'm sorry, Heichou," I say as I pass him. I keep my head down as I go, knowing that if I risk looking at him he'll be mad at me tonight.
And tonight, I need him to be in a good mood.