Let me just say, Shane Dawson is awesome. He has great comedy skills, perfect timing in comedic situations and scenarios, and rerunning gags that never get old. So here's a little tribute story to his undisputed greatest character, Shanaynay.
Deep in the heart of an unnamed ghetto, Shanaynay was busy looking at the jewels of some Mexican man.
No, not those kinds of jewels. It was a Wednesday, and she don't work that shift Wednesdays.
These were bling, rings, necklaces and such, and they were being sold at discount prices by the Mexican man. Some were 10% off, some 15% off, some as far as 50% off. Shanaynay knew very well that a lot of these were stolen or probably belonged to some dead pimp who got his ass shot by a mercenary stripper hired by a rival gang to hide a concealed gun somewhere on her body. Considering all they wear are G-strings and pasties, you can probably guess where. I hope she washed it first. And kept the safety on.
But Shanaynay herself was not bothered by these things. They happened all the time in the ghetto. And as exciting and terrifying as they made life, she had grown somewhat accustomed to them. Almost to the point of being bored with them. Recently she had been thinking about going on a vacation, taking a break from the backstreet scene and going to a far-off country, where she could stay in a crappy hotel, get impregnated by HIV-raddled foreign dudes, and eat foods that would give her a shitstorm of diarrhea. Yeah, all those good things…
"Senorita, would you please buy something and go?" the Mexican man said.
Shanaynay looked up indignantly. "Don't you rush me. I can stay here and look at your products as long as I want. And why you tellin' me to hurry anyways? Ain't no one else here."
A homeless lady with missing teeth who was sitting nearby, wrapped up in a dirty blanket, raised her hand. "I'm here."
Shanaynay looked at her. "No, honey, I meant people."
The lady stared at her, then dejectedly retracted her arm.
Shanaynay turned back to the man. "So what, you don't like black people? Think they bad for business? Little racist-ass Messican."
The man looked at her confusedly. "You are…a black?"
She narrowed her eyes. "I'm light-skinned." She looked back down at the products and muttered under her breath "Like Vin Diesel." Then she spotted a ring with a cat's face composed of different-colored diamonds on it.
"Ooh, ain't that just the cutest little shit?" Shanaynay cooed. It was SO kawaii! She knew she had to have it. "How much for the cat ring?" she asked.
"Uh… Just so you know, that ring was found in a dead hooker's throat because an angry, abusive, and drunk husband shoved it in there in his sexual rage and she choked to death on it."
Shanaynay tried to remain calm with the man's ignorance. "Lemme repeat my question: How much for the cat ring?"
"Four hundred dollars."
"Four hundred dollars for that fucking cat? Jeez, if I wanted cat bling that bad I could just beat up a little Japanese girl and steal her I Love Kitty merchandise! And you know how much that would cost me? Zero fuckin' dollars, mm-hmm! So you know what that's what I'se gonna do! Imma go mug a little Japanese girl! Have that on your conscience, George Lopez!"
She started to turn around when the man said "Wait!" She turned back around to face him with her hands on her hips.
"For you, I bring price down to three hundred-ninety dollars."
The ghetto woman smiled and walked back over to the stand. "Well shit, since you'se throwin' deals out an' all I guess I'll buy it. Just let me get my wallet out…" She stuck her hand in her pocket and looked at the man. "You know, a long time ago they didn't have paper money like we do today. They had to pay for jewelry with their own precious metals. Gold for gold, y'know? Of course, if you couldn't pay for it in gold, you could always pay for it"—suddenly she pulled out her gun and pointed it to his head—"in silver."
The Mexican's eyes went wide and he took a step back. "W-What are you doing?" he asked, stunned.
"Fucker, I wasn't born yesterday! Three hundred-ninety dollars? That's just a ten-dollar difference! Now if you had brought it down to three hundred-eighty-five, then we might've been gettin' somewhere."
"B-But that is just five dollars less!"
"And that's five dollars I could've used for a Subway sandwich," Shanaynay reasoned. "Feelin' kinda hungry…"
"Please! You can't shoot me! I have a wife and 26 kids! And I'm a priest at the church!"
"Well then Via con Dios, bitch."
BOOM!
The Mexican man was blasted backwards by the bullet. Shanaynay picked up the ring and put it on her finger. "I'm sorry," she said, looking at the man, "but I don't care what it is- deals, a board game, a relationship, or one of those Saw torture setups- I do not tolerate cheating." She turned to the homeless woman sitting nearby. "Now tell me: What did you see?"
"I…didn't see anyth-"
"LYING BITCH!" Shanaynay loaded six rounds into the woman. Then she looked at her gun and back at the woman. "Woops, guess I shoulda let her finish first."
Suddenly sirens wailed from a couple blocks away.
"Dammit! Every time!" She quickly stuffed more of the merchandise into the pockets of her blue jean coat and ran off.
Two hours later…
Back in her apartment, Shanaynay found herself furiously scratching the finger she had put the ring on. "Damn this is a hell of a rash! That dead bitch floss her teeth with poison oak or somethin'?" She was just about to head to the kitchen and cut the finger off when she thought of something.
"I know! I'll call Rhonda! That hoe is like the Wikipedia of STDs!" Flipping open her cell phone, she dialed her best friend's number and waited for her to answer.
"Rhonda Honda Yamaha Suzuki Kawasaki here!" came the voice on the other end.
"Hey, girl!" Shanaynay greeted. "Listen, I need yo advice. I just got this new ring from a discount stand owned by a dirty, racy Mexican-"
"Low-pay Jose's?"
"Well he should probably change his name to No-pay Jose now…"
"What do you mean?"
"Uh…never mind. Look, is there any type of STD that's transferred via jewelry and-"
"Who's callin'?" came a voice in the background. "It's not that screwed-up slut girlfriend of Shane's, is it?"
"Rhonda… Who was that?" Shanaynay asked. The voice was annoyingly familiar.
Rhonda's own voice instantly became nervous. "Oh, uh, nothing, just some random pedestrian asking me for the time."
As Shanaynay listened closer, she heard a droning noise in the background, and an angry man saying 'if that little punk doesn't stop kicking the back of my seat, I will literally crash this plane into the ground so everyone on board blows into a million fucking pieces'.
"Girl… Are you on a plane?"
"…Yes."
"To where?"
"Germany."
All of a sudden Shanaynay felt angry. "What the hell are you doin' on a big-ass plane headed for Germany?"
"Well, girl, it's like this: I got two free tickets for a vacation to Germany, right? Me and a friend. So, I used them."
The ghetto woman became even more infuriated. "Uh, Rhonda, just kinda pokin' fun at the obvious here, WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT WITH YOU? You know how many times I've been sayin' to you 'I need a vacation' this past week?"
"93 times."
Shanaynay stared at the cell phone.
"…But, who's counting, right?"
"Why'd you take someone other than me?"
"Uh-" Suddenly there was a muffling noise on the other end, like someone had taken the phone out of Rhonda's hand. Then the voice that had previously spoken came on. And Shanaynay was not at all happy about who she heard.
"Cause she likes me better, bitch."
No… It couldn't be… It wasn't…
"That's right. Your favorite Jewish, purple-haired, cocaine-snortin' psychopath."
"Aunt Hilda…" Shanaynay growled.
"The one and fucking only."
The ghetto woman's eye twitched. "Um, would you be so kind as to hand the phone back to Rhonda?"
"I'll just put you on speakerphone instead."
"Alrighty then," Shanaynay said, smiling politely.
"Yes?" came Rhonda's small voice.
"Oh, HELL NO! HELL NO! You did NOT fuckin' bring that bagel-munching, dagger-tongued piece of shit over me! Rhonda, you are so fucking off my Facebook friends list! I mean, why the hell would you bring a Jew to Germany?"
"I would've brought you!" Rhonda desperately tried to explain. "But, well, you see…"
Flashback
Rhonda and Aunt Hilda are both inside a sex toy shop called Vibrat'R Us. They are looking at dildos when Rhonda opens up a package of German sausages (she likes to eat dick-shaped foods to get horny). Two tickets fall out, and after picking them up she discovers a message inside saying she's won a sweepstakes and gets a free trip to Germany, and can take a friend.
"I won! I won!" she shouted.
Aunt Hilda looks over to tell the bitch to shut her squealing mouth the fuck right up when she notices the girl has two tickets.
"Say," Aunt Hilda said cleverly, "you, uh, know who you want to take with you?"
"Mmm…I haven't really decided yet."
Then Hilda noticed the ring on her finger. "Oh," she said flatly. "You're probably gonna take your husband, right?"
"Oh, no, he's hardly a husband. I mean, I want to divorce him, but I can't afford a lawyer or nothin'."
This gave Hilda an idea. "You know," she whispered slyly, "I know some pretty good lawyers myself. I could, y'know, hook you up, make sure you get everything while his sorry, broke ass is rotting in the gutter."
"How do you know these lawyers are good?"
"Honey, I'm Jewish. Nuff said."
"Well I guess that makes sense."
"Right. And you know what? I won't even charge! All you have to do is take me on that trip."
Rhonda thought about it. She glanced at her tickets, then at Aunt Hilda, then at a pink dildo, then back at her tickets. "…It's a deal," she said.
"Schweet," said Hilda. She looked over at the person working the register. "I'll take a sample right here, please."
Rhonda raised her eyebrow. "They let you try them out?"
"Well, me personally, yes." Aunt Hilda got out her wallet and opened it up, where she displayed a card like an officer would a badge. On the card it said 'Licensed Vibrator Connoisseur'.
End of flashback
"…Girl, that excuse is lamer than a one-legged dog!" Shanaynay shouted.
"Jealous much, ya little whore?" Aunt Hilda asked.
"IMMA FUCKIN' MURDER YO ASS, HILDA! You hear me? You'll be getting butt-fucked by earthworms six feet underground before the week is up!"
"Is that so?"
"You know it is!"
"And how are you going to do that? The plane is taking off right now."
"I…" Shanaynay had had enough. All the crap, all the boredom, all the cheating, was going to end today. "I'm coming after you!" she yelled into the cell. "I'm gonna hop aboard a plane myself, track you down in Germany, kill you, then enjoy a real-ass vacation! Like, FO'serious!"
"Well in the words of Leonardo Di Caprio, catch me if you can." Aunt Hilda hung up the phone.
Oh, it was on! Shit just got real, shit just got real real. Shanaynay noticed that the itching had stopped, and she looked down at her finger, completely normal as before. It was a sign. The need to go on a vacation had been the real itch, and she had just relieved it.
But the question was, how was she going to make it happen?
"Let's see… Who can I dib off of for vacation money? …My pimp? No, wait, I shot him… Ned? …No, wait, he shot me… Hodini?" This made her laugh. "I'm sorry, but I just couldn't help myself. That bitch is broke as all get-out."
Suddenly her phone dinged its text message tune. Shanaynay checked it and saw a picture message had been sent to her. She looked at it.
It was a picture of Aunt Hilda sitting in a plane passenger seat, flipping her the bird. With it was a text message. It read 'Shane can do better than you, you cumbucket slut!'
This gave Shanaynay an idea. "Ooh! I knows, I knows! I'll ask Shane for the money! He's got plenty, the spoiled little crybaby bitch."
She went into her bathroom, made sure she applied lots of lipstick, redrew her raised eyebrow, and blow-dried her hair. It was important to look nice when asking your boyfriend for money. As she headed for her apartment's front door, however, she grabbed her gun out of her pocket and stopped by a desk. Pulling open a drawer full of bullets, she carefully reloaded her gun.
"Hopefully Shane's in a good mood today," she said as she tucked the gun away into her pocket/holster. "I would hate to force him to give me the money by holding a gun to his pretty head."
So was it funny? Is the dialogue right for each of the characters? Let me know! *=*
The adventure shall continue! (but I don't know when)