Kirks VO: Space the final fron- *crash*
JJ Abrams: What the hell, cut!
The cast and crew look in the narration booth to see Kirk pinned underneath Spock, who appeared to be sucking off his face...
JJ: cut...hello, guys cut... I'll come back later
Kirks VO: Space, the final frontier, these are the voyages of the Starship Minnow, with Gilligan, the Skipper too, the millionaire and his wife-
JJ: CUT *rubs temples* who the hell switched the script with the Gilligans Island script?
Spock suddenly appears, with Kirk over his shoulder looking triumphant.
Spock: It was me, mwahahahahaha it was all just a distraction so you would leave the poor unsuspecting captian alone. *Spock turns and runs out tripping over the ugly little deformed thing that hangs out with Scotty.* SON OF A BEACH!
JJ: CUT! Damn it.
Now our favorite captian is strapped to a chair in the narration booth, there are padlocks on the door and a very pissed J.J. Abrams is about ready to have a seizure.
JJ: ALRIGHT, WE DO THIS ONE MORE TIME.
Kirk: *sigh* usually only Bones gets to tie me up.
JJ: *Chokes on Redbull* WHAT WAS THAT?
Kirk: ummmm *clears throat* Space, the final frontier, these are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its continuing misson, to get as much booty as possible HOLLA!
JJ: *sob* I could've directed porn!
Old Sulu: Really? Oh my (A/N this is a reference to a commercial he did for sharper TV. Look it up funny as hell. Its funny, cause he's gay in real life...YOU KNOW THERE WAS A STAR TREK BEFORE 2009. *SCOFF*)
Vulcan is falling apart, the cameras are rolling, but where is Spock?
J.J Abrams: I'M SINGING IN THE RAIN, JUST SINGING IN THE RAIN, WHAT A GLORIOUS FEELING!
Spock: Actually you're singing in a shower.
J.J Abrams: *screams like little girl and is shocked at Spocks ability to appear out of nowhere* SPOCK WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Spock: What the hell am I doing? I don't know, your the jackass that just beamed one of the most important characters down to a planet thats turning into a bigger black hole than Star Jones! By the way! *Spock suddenly gropes the director who emmits a very girlish squeek* THAT MY FRIEND IS A GLORIOUS FEELING!
J.J: *slides down the wall of his shower crying*
Kirk: I GOT YOUR GUN
*nothing happens*
JJ: Well are you going to shoot him or what?
Kirk: Um no, we only just got to second base...freaky ass.
JJ: *stares*
Kirk: Oh you meant his phaser, I thought you meant his fun gun.
JJ: Fun gun?
Kirk: you know the old saying, this is my rifle, this is my gun, this is for fighting this is for fun.
Romulan: I'm really not opposed to either being used
JJ: *sniffle*
Spock: it appears you've been keeping valuable information from me.
Kirk: well, if your father wasn't such a homophobe I would've told you sooner, but if you don't want to stay with us the twins and I will just go to Bones' house *Kirk holds his stomach and sashays away*
Spock: Baby wait come back *chases, no wait he skips to go get his lover captian*
JJ: FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST CUT!
Kirk: *looks around the engine room* Scotty? *silence, Kirk checks the water filtration system* He's not there.
Scotty: I thought you were a doctor...
In front of Scotty there is the rather disturbing image of Bones dressed in Christine Chapels nurse outfit holding a hypo to Spocks bum.
Bones: Ummmm
Spock: *completely unphased* well, could you at least hold the camera if you're gonna stand there? The tripod broke.
Scotty: HELL YEAH!
Kirk: Bones, strap on. I mean strap it, I mean tie it. I mean...LINE!
JJ: BUCKLE UP YOU BLOODY FOOL!
Kirk: Alright, Jesus I'm not even in my seat yet!
Bones: *snicker*
Bones: GOOD GOD MAN LOOK AT YOUR HANDS.
Kirk: *smiles and bats his eyelashes* All the better to grope you with my dear
JJ: Cut!
Bones: GOOD GOD MAN LOOK AT YOUR HANDS.
Kirk: *stares at his swollen hands fascinated* You know what they say! *Kirk excitedly looks down his pants, his sudden enthusiasm dissapears* THEY LIED!
Bones: *snort* No shit Sherlock.
JJ: CUT!
Its a naturally ugly desert part of Iowa, the sound of Beastie Boys' Sabatoge fills the air. Instead of the beautiful antique red corvette, Jim is driving a beat up hunk o' junk.
Jim: wooooooo *a young Jim is fascinated by the amazing speed of the machine, a whole five miles per hour*
Cop: *walking by car* Citizen, pull over.
Jim: No *sticks out tongue*
Cop: *whips a taser gun out of no where and shoots the little bastered* what? I asked nice, and this is the future, shit happens.
Jim: *having a seizure while the tiny metal forks stick out of his tongue* ugh
JJ: Wow, I didn't think Spock liked chicks.
The cast and crew watches curiously as Spock and Uhura make out in the elevator, when the scene ends Uhura and Spock walk off set holding hands.
JJ: wait, I thought you liked guys.
Spock: I do.
JJ: So why are you kissing her.
Uhura: I used to be a man.
JJ: WHAT?
Kirk: Can you imagine when she was getting a sex change, 'do these ovaries make me look fat' *Kirk mimicks his friend in a high pitched voice*
Uhura: *using awesome ninja skills pulls a spork out of nowhere and lunges* DIE YOU SON OF A BEACH!
Kirk: Bonesy! *Kirk proceeeds to run from the room before crashing into Nero, who falls to the ground*
Nero: *groan*
Kirk: *eyes the fallen Romulan with interest* so...you're wife is dead right?
Nero: Yeah why do you ask...no NOOOOO *the Romulan begins to screech and cry as Kirk draggs him away by his feet* I played Prince Hector in Troy, Brad Pitt killed me isn't that humiliating enough? NAHHHHHHHHH
Everyone: *stares in confusion as they hear Neor sobbing*
Amanda(Spocks mommy): Oh shit *she jumps into her sons arms just as she is about ready to fall, everyone is surprised to see her when they're back on the Enterprise* did you just see that I almost died!
JJ: That was the point, you die and then Spock is emotionally compromised.
Amanda: I die, just so Spock can loose his title of captian? Screw that *suddenly she falls to the ground apparently dead*
Spock: *stands behind his dead mother with an innocent face trying to hide his phaser behind his back* oh no she's dead, ok lets work on the elevator scene!
JJ:...well than... *JJ stalks off silently in hopes of finding burbon and hookers nearby*
"AND THE LOVE YOU GAVE ME NOTHING ELSE CAN SAVE ME S.O.S!"
Everyone raises their eyebrows in a Spock way before heading to the narration booth. Spock is tied up to what appears to be a dentists chair, belting out Abba songs with the Captian. Spock's line came up, after refusing to sing he was tasered in a very sensitive area...
Spock: WHEN YOUR GONE, THOUGH I TRY HOW CAN I CARRY ON?
Bones: haha, kids a saprano.
Pike: Wouldn't you sing saprano after that?
Kirk: YOU NEVER LOVED HER
Spock: Indeed *holds up hand as if strangling Kirk*
Kirk: *gag, wheeze*
JJ: What the hell are you doing?
Spock: I'm using the force, now shut up this is fun
Kirk: *still being groped reaches down and makes a groping motion with his hand*
Spock: *squeek*
JJ: *gag*
Kirk: YOU NEVER LOVED HER *he winces knowing that he is about to be mauled*
Spock: I...*sob* I never appreciated her, you're right *Spock throws himself on Kirk hoping for a hug*
Kirk: Um, bi-polar much?
Spock:*shocked and apparently offended Spock pulls back and slaps the captian* HEARTLESS BASTARD!
Uhura: I'll be monitering your frequencies
Kirk: OOOOO SOMEONES GOT IT HOT!
Spock: *whips a phaser outta nowhere and shoots the prick right in the forehead*
Kirk: oof! *falls to floor, not dead* ouch
JJ: CUT GODDAMNIT, IF YOU HAD KILLED HIM WE COULD'VE AT LEAST FAKED MUTINY!
Kirk: *looks up ready to yell at the director but finds himself fascinated by the throbbing vein in his forehead* wow, if we stuck a dart in that would you like, impload?
JJ: YOU JACKASS *leaves in hope of finding a pub nearby*
Pike: Did you take of the parking brake.
Sulu: whoops *blushes* my bad!
JJ: Cut.
Spock: *appears out of nowhere* how much horsepower does this thing get?
Sulu: 14,980,312,492
Pike: not bad.
Spock: *nods*
JJ: *eye twitches*
Yeah, it was random, is there more? I have no idea. I was thinking maybe a kareoke party, but any suggestions are welcome. BTW JJ Abrams is the director of this Star Trek.