Can't Be

Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age.

One of my earliest memories was of getting lost in the forest where my clan was staying. I must have wandered around looking for everybody for hours but I just couldn't find anybody. Finally, darkness fell and I was frightened. There were dangerous things in the forest, I knew, and I wasn't old enough to protect myself. When it was dark, I wouldn't even be able to see them coming. Somehow, there was a light though. Somehow I had started to glow and that allowed my worried clansmen to find me and take me back with them. It was my first use of magic and the day that it was decided that I would one day be Keeper.

Clan Alerion already had two other mages, a First and a spare, so I was given to the magically-deprived Clan Sabrae and apprenticed to its Keeper Marethari. Since my own parents were staying with Clan Alerion, Keeper Marethari became like a mother to me. Mahariel had no parents either and no one knew what had happened to them – that is to say, no child did but those old enough most certainly did – so we were often thrown together. She had Tamlen, though, and I my duties so we were never as close as I would have liked.

Everything was so certain back then. My path may not have been my own but living for my people was far more valuable. It almost ended up happening that way, too, but then…the mirror. The Eluvian. Tamlen and Mahariel discovered it when they were exploring ruins that if they had any sense they would have immediately reported to the Keeper. No, I'm being unkind. They were so young and they had just wanted to help. They had no idea what they were dealing with and they just wanted to return a piece of our history to us. I'm the last person who would ever condemn them for that even if…

Things didn't quite work out the way that the pair had expected them to. Tamlen vanished and in all probability he's dead by now. Mahariel was banished from the clan as the only way to save her. She went with that human Duncan who destroyed the mirror and she ended the Blight. It was a hard thing to be separate from her people, I know, and though she did not do so willing she served them honorably. I hear there's even a Dalish homeland again thanks to her, near Ostagar. The land will not be easy to use for a few years until it recovers from the Blight but it is ours and it is enough.

When I found a piece of that mirror, I knew what I had to do. Keeper Marethari didn't agree. She thought that there had been enough death and destruction and that the mirror was dangerous. To some extent, I agreed. The mirror was dangerous. I had to make a deal with a demon in order to even know where to begin, after all. I went slow, though, and I was careful. No matter how slow and careful I was, however, there was always a risk. Something might go wrong. Marethari knew that and didn't think it was worth the risk. I knew that and I politely disagreed.

We will never be able to discover or create anything that could be truly great while we're on the run. Maybe one day if things work out at Ostagar but that days a long way off. In the meantime, all we have is our precious, precious past. We were great once. Some of the things that we were once capable of astound even me and I've been studying this kind of thing for years. It's my job, you see, as First to preserve everything we know about days long gone. I may not be the First anymore but my mission remains.

There is only so much progress you can make in discovering more about your past. I could have simply remembered everything I had learned and taught it to an apprentice of my own one day but that won't ever get us anywhere. It will keep us from losing ourselves further but it won't get us anything new. The Eluvian, however…there was so much it could tell us, so much it could show us. Maybe we could even recreate our own Eluvians one day and each clan could have their own so we could communicate whenever we wanted.

Tamlen and Mahariel suffered so much for this. If we destroyed it, their suffering would have been for nothing. How could I let that happen? As their First and as their friend, I couldn't watch that happen. Keeper Marethari didn't want the Eluvian to claim anyone else and I agreed no other innocents should be risked.

But what about someone who knows what they're doing as much as anyone could? What about someone who is taking all the precautions? What about someone who is willing to lay down their life for the cause if need be? What about someone like me?

I was honestly quite taken aback when Keeper Marethari reacted so strongly. I knew she didn't approve but I thought that if I explained to her what I was doing and why and the kinds of precautions I was taking that she could at least live with it. She couldn't. The practically kicked me out of the clan as long as I was working to do the job of a Keeper. Later, I found out that she had told the others all about me. She frightened them so much that Pol would rather face a Varterral than me.

But I didn't complain – much, I'm not perfect – and I left my clan to give them peace of mind while I worked to ensure our future. We needed this. If we don't move forward and learn more than we'll just keep losing our past no matter how carefully we try to preserve it. Our numbers are shrinking and there simply aren't enough mages to go around.

Keeper Marethari says I'm being selfish. She says that a Keeper's life isn't their own but belongs to the clan. What does she think I'm doing? It's not for my sake that I do this. There is a good chance I will die doing this. Let her think I am misguided if she must but selfish? I really did think that she knew me better than that.

I've devoted years of my life to this project with enemies everywhere I look. Even my friends don't approve or understand. The only one even vaguely supportive is Hawke and it's clear that she's just being supportive because I'm her friend and not because she really appreciates what I'm trying to do. Some, like Isabela and Varric, refuse to take a side even though they do worry about me. I can't blame them for that, I worry about me sometimes, too, and where my quest to restore the Eluvian will lead to. I never forget that I'm dealing with a demon.

Anders has and it's cost him. He almost killed that mage-girl he was trying to save. Hawke stopped him but since he would have went through with it if she hadn't been there, I don't think he's managed to forgive himself. Spirits aren't literally the embodiment of the virtues or vices they aspire to. They're like people, just denizens of another world. There are no pure good spirits just like there are no pure good human or elf or dwarf. You always have to be careful. Anders thought that since his spirit stood for justice and because they were friends that allowing it into him would be okay. I could have told him that he was wrong but he doesn't need anyone to tell him that now. Now he's painfully aware.

He keeps telling me about what it's like when Justice takes over. He also claims that Justice and he are the same and how they both can be true doesn't make much sense to me but then, I'm not possessed. He thinks that I'm going to be, though, and I suppose it's sweet that he's trying to help. He's really not and is only scaring me, but he's trying and that's more than I can say for Fenris. Although since Sebastian wants to turn me and Anders in to the templars and Fenris wants no part in it, that may be a little harsh.

The arulin'holm wasn't enough to fix the Eluvian. I needed more information. I'm not a fool, I knew that there was a good chance that the demon would just use the opportunity to try to possess me. That's why I invited Hawke and her collection of highly deadly friends. I didn't want to die but that's what has to happen when a Dalish becomes possessed. It's the only way we can justify not allowing our mages to be locked up by the Chantry, we need another way to deal with problems. And I would never risk my clan.

I don't know how Keeper Marethari knew what I was planning on doing. She couldn't possibly have beaten us to the demon as she would have had to have left after we did and we took the shortest route. She must have taken the demon into herself before I arrived. I sent no warning that I would be coming, however, so who knows how long she was an abomination before I killed her?

I can't believe it. I honestly can't believe that the Keeper, the wisest person in our whole clan, could be so stupid and ignorant. She said that she was trying to protect me, that the demon was lying to me. She said that if I had managed to fix the Eluvian all I would have done was brought the demon to the mortal world.

I don't know if that's true. Even if it was, it doesn't make what she did any less appalling. If the demon managed to escape without a possession than my heavily armed friends and I could have killed it the way we had to kill the demon-possessed Keeper. If it had possessed me then my heavily armed friends would have had to have killed me. I wouldn't like that outcome very much, to say the least, and it would have been hard on my friends but they already knew that it might come to that. They were prepared to respect my decision.

Keeper Marethari wasn't. She wanted to protect me like I was still a child. For better or for worse, I was no longer her responsibility; Clan Sabrae was. It's all well and good that she wanted to protect me but hadn't she always taught me that a Keeper's life was not their own? And yet, when it came right down to it she threw hers away to try to save someone who never wanted it and may not have even needed it. Is her new First ready to take over? I don't know. The clan banished me because they believed me responsible for Keeper Marethari's death. I didn't fight them on this. It wasn't my fault but I already knew that I could never go back. I'm too different now and they're too mistrustful. I let them believe what they would about what happened to the Keeper. If they knew the truth then it would destroy them and set a horrible example. It was such an ignoble end to such a wise leader.

And that's not the worst of what she did. Since I have no idea how long she had secretly been an abomination, I have no idea how long she was secretly putting them all at risk. At any moment she might have snapped and tried to kill them all. Just because she didn't doesn't make what she did okay. And even if the clan had hunted her down like they've done every other time the situation has come up, innocent lives would still be lost. And for what? To protect me? I didn't need her protection and I certainly didn't want it.

Keeper Marethari's biggest fear concerning the Eluvian was that more death and destruction would follow. Well, thanks to her more death and destruction did follow and Clan Sabrae lost a Keeper. My only hope was that fixing the Eluvian would make things better for the Dalish people. Aveline says that I should focus more on the present but that's what I'm doing. The Eluvian isn't just another piece of lost lore. If I managed to fix that, I could improve the lives of the Dalish in tangible ways. The ability to communicate alone would be well worth the price.

I don't know what would have happened if Keeper Marethari would have left well enough alone. Maybe I would have succeeded and saved us all but, realistically, there's also the possibility that I would have failed and become possessed myself. I'll never know. What I do know is that I'm stuck with the Eluvian. The demon was the only one who could have helped and he's dead now. Now, every dark day Clan Sabrae has had since the humans told Tamlen and Mahariel about the cave the Eluvian was found in was for nothing.

Now I can never fix it. It's hard to comprehend what it feels like to have something you've devoted years of your life to come to nothing and to do so unnecessarily.

I'm not ready to forgive the Keeper for what she's done yet. I know she was just trying to protect me and she may have even saved my life but…she ruined everything.

Now I have no purpose and nothing to go back to, just Hawke.

Something tells me that isn't any safer than dealing with that demon.

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