"Because he is Toris, and you are not. That is all I need to say."
With that he turn to leave the conference room. I froze. Don't show weakness. Don't show weakness. I repeated the mantra until I thought I could hold myself together, if only for a little while. I tried to walk forward, but I found myself staring at the carpeted floor. I started shaking. Then I realized the shaking was the sobs escaping. Net, net. Vanya, Vanya would not love such weakling as him. Net. I tried to stop crying, but I only manage to choke them back.
It hurt. It hurt so incredibly bad. Like he had cleaved my heart with branding rod. It was becoming hard to breath, not even the air wanted me to live. I clenched my eyes shut, to keep the tears inside, but they fell anyway.
I sucked in a shaky breath, trying to calm down, and stood up. I had to lean against the wall, but I managed.
Eventually I made it home, but it only made things worse. As soon as I closed the door, I saw the vase of sunflowers I was going to give him. They're his favourites. He loves them.
"Loves them more than me." I fell to my knees, just barely catching myself. The sobs wracked my body without mercy, forcing my forehead to kiss the cold floor. This is what you get. This is what you deserve. I shook my head, trying, trying so hard to dispel the thoughts.
"I-I will f-f-fix this" I stammered out to myself, "I will fix this." Each word punctuated with a sob. I knew I wasn't the best person, I didn't always make the right decisions. But damn it, I freaking tried. I tried to be whatever Vanya wanted, tried to be the best person I could be. For him. But it wasn't enough.
"Net," My voice strong, "I will never be enough, for V-Vanya" I broke again on his name. Why do I feel like I've shattered?
"Will I ever be whole?" I murmured to the ground. Is it possible to be after this type of pain? I cradled my face with my forearms, the cloth covering them becoming soaked. Will it ever stop hurting?
My thoughts become jumbled and my head ached. I thought of how much I loved him, and then I would think of those words. Those words that meant I would never have who I loved most.
"What's the point now?" I braced myself for another round of vicious sobs, then I blacked out.
Bol
My eyes fluttered open. I was still in front of the door. I stood up and pointedly ignored any thoughts that even suggested his presence. I made my way to the kitchen and grasped the handle of a cabinet to open it. I groped blindly for the bottle.
"There you are." I cooed. I popped the top and took an unknown number. I smiled. I walked myself into my bedroom and laid down. A few tears escaped, but most were held back with the happy thought that I might not wake up to this torment.
"Please," I prayed, " Don't let me wake." My voice just a murmur.
Then the blackness took over.