A/N: You know, I recently came across a description of what it is I'm feeling that's keeping me from working on getting GA off of hiatus – Writer's Apathy, which unlike Writer's Block isn't a lack of ideas, but the lack of energy to write them. I know what I want to write for that story, but can't get myself to actually do it. So, in place of that, have another anti-Gaz oneshot project.
Credit needs to go to my good friend Eduard Kassel for this one, both for helping me flesh out the story and for contributing a bit of writing to it.
Anyway, other than that, Happy St. Patrick's Day, and I apologize in advance to any actual Irish people that I might accidentally offend with this story.
Read on!
Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to the franchise this story is based on, and do not claim to, no matter what those idiots behind SOPA think.
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A Wee Bit of Gaz
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The Forest, St. Patrick's Day
"Dib," Gaz growled, "Remind me why you had to drag me into the forest when I should be at home beating my high score on Vampire Piggy Hunter VIII?"
The Membrane siblings were indeed trekking through the forest outside of their hometown, Dib dragging a heavy looking crate as his sister walked beside him, arms crossed and naturally not raising a finger to help. Dropping the crates to take a momentary break, Dib rubbed his arms, the soreness and Gaz's attitude doing nothing to dampen his enthusiasm as he explained.
"I told you Gaz, there are reports that at least one leprechaun immigrated to this area during the Potato Famine, and since they're so long-lived, he could still be here. Plus, it's St. Patrick's Day, when leprechauns are known to be most active. So, this is the best chance I have to catch one!"
"Why the interest in leprechauns anyway? You after some Lucky Charms?" Gaz asked, sarcasm dripping off her words as Dib rolled his eyes.
"No, I'm after this leprechaun's pot of gold," he explained. At Gaz's raised eyebrow, he shrugged, "Hey, my fights with Zim can get pretty expensive – especially since I get blamed for all the property damage – and Dad refuses to give me funds. So, I figure a pot full of gold should keep me going for a while."
"Right. So, back to my original question, why did you drag me into this?"
"Well, I'm gonna need some help to set my trap up, and an extra pair of hands might come in handy carrying the pot back-"
"I want half," Gaz interrupted.
"What?" Dib asked, blinking as the statement caught him off guard.
"You want my help? Well, on the off chance you actually know what you're talking about, then I want half the gold."
"Wha, but, you, I don't – fine, you know what, okay," Dib sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose, "Half should do me fine for a while. Let's just get set up, okay?"
With that out of the way, they got to work setting up the equipment Dib had brought with him. Which was to say that Gaz somehow talked her way into "supervising", as Dib did all the actual hard work of setting up and camouflaging a cage trap that would spring and close around anything that triggered the pressure plate in the center, and then sound an alarm to announce its catch.
"And," Dib concluded explaining the setup, "It's all made out of wrought iron, so the leprechaun won't be able to use his magic to escape."
"Uh-huh," Gaz said, totally uninterested as she began regretting agreeing to take part in this. She could already see how this would play out, and was wondering how many deer, rabbits, or other wildlife Dib would catch by accident before giving up… or more importantly, how many she'd put up with before beating him senseless and going home. "So, what are you going to use as bait? Or were you expecting this guy to just randomly walk into this thing?"
"Of course not," Dib scoffed, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a clear bag, "I'm going to use these!"
"…Are those chocolate coins?" Gaz asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Hey, with the gold wrapping on, you can't tell the difference from a distance," Dib defended himself as he carefully placed the coins in the center of the trap, "And I'm betting that with a leprechaun's obsession with gold, he'll come straight for them and spring the trap before he realizes what's wrong. Now quick, hide!"
Gaz merely rolled her eyes at her brother's stupidity and slowly followed as he ran off to hide in the underbrush.
"Oh, I almost forgot!" Dib exclaimed as Gaz sat down next to him. He then reached into his backpack, and to Gaz's surprise, pulled out a pair of green stovepipe hats with tacky felt four leaf clovers stitched on the front. He placed one on his head and held the other out to her. "Quick, put this on."
"No."
"But you have to! It's St. Patrick's Day!"
"We're not Irish, and even if we were, I wouldn't wear something that stupid," Gaz said, batting the hat out of her brother's hand.
"No, Gaz, you don't understand," Dib said as he picked the hat back up, "Leprechauns aren't just more active today, it's also the day when their magic is most powerful. But if we wear green, we'll be protected. Now come on, put it on for your own safety."
"If you don't get that thing out of my face, you'll be digesting it," Gaz growled, "And it won't be going in through your mouth, got it?"
Paling slightly at his sister's threat, Dib relented and put away the hat. "Fine, but at least stay behind me; the fact that I'm protected should shield you if I block it."
"Whatever," Gaz said as she got as comfortable as she could.
An hour later, she was just about ready to bash her brother's head in from boredom and call it a day, when there was suddenly the sound of metal crashing into metal, followed by the shrill sound of an alarm going off.
"Yes, it worked!" Dib shouted, pulling out a remote and pressing a button, killing the alarm, before jumping out of the underbrush towards the site of the trap. Grumbling to herself, Gaz got up and stretched her sore limbs, before following her brother, expecting to see him releasing some disgustingly cute animal that had been caught by accident. Instead, her eyes widened wide enough to reveal the brown orbs within at the sight that greeted her.
Dib was happily hopping in triumph around the now closed cage, within which was contained a two-foot-tall man with pointed ears and a red beard, wearing a hat much like the one Dib was sporting, as well as a green coat, green pants, and pointed black shoes, who was ranting in an Irish brogue. In other words, the stereotypical image of a leprechaun.
"Huh, so he was right," Gaz thought, "Guess there's a first time for everything… wait, that means there really is a pot of gold. Hmm…"
"This is great, Gaz!" Dib cheered, "The trap actually worked! Now I can get that gold and use it to fight Zim, and you can, I dunno, buy more games or something. But still, isn't this-"
WHACK!
The leprechaun in the cage stopped his rattling of the bars as he watched Dib hit the ground in a heap, and Gaz drop the branch she'd just hit him over the head with.
"Well," he said after a moment, "I can't be saying that I saw that coming."
Gaz shrugged as she walked over to the cage and glared down at the leprechaun. "It occurred to me that gold gets divided one way better than two. So hand it over, or I leave you in there to rot. Your choice."
The leprechaun blinked as he looked up at her.
"Is that what this is about? Ye want me gold?" he asked, "Tch, I hate how commonly known this is… alright, lassie, ye let ol' Paddy out of here, and ye have me word that I'll give ye me gold."
"Oh, you better," Gaz threatened, as she picked up the remote Dib had dropped and pressed a button, causing the sides of the cage to fall away. Paddy stepped away, putting some distance between himself and the iron that had confined him.
"Well?" Gaz demanded.
"Hold your horses, lassie, Paddy gave his word, and Paddy will honor it," the leprechaun said, before snapping his fingers. There was a flash of light, and Gaz found herself holding… a mug of beer?
"The hell is this?" Gaz demanded, glaring at Paddy.
"That be a glass of genuine Leprechaun Gold Ale, the finest drink this side of the Emerald Isle," Paddy said with a smirk, which fell off his face as Gaz threw away the glass, which shattered somewhere in the underbrush.
"You were supposed to give me real gold, you freak!"
"'Ey now, ye think I be rich? If I were, would I have bothered with these here coins your friend there used as bait?" Paddy asked, "When the stories say we Little People be giving our gold to anyone who catches us, it's always been the ale! It be ye humans who twisted the story to be about actual gold. Now, if ye excuse me, I'll be on my waAAGGGHH!"
Paddy was cut off as Gaz grabbed him by the throat and lifted him up to her eye level.
"You think I'm stupid or something? Well, I'm not falling for such an obvious trick. Give me the gold, or I'll plunge you into a nightmare world of no waking!"
"GAGH!" was all that Paddy was able to say due to the pressure on his throat, his eyes bugging out of their sockets as Gaz increased her hold on him, until…
POP!
Gaz blinked in surprise as the leprechaun she was holding popped like a balloon, exploding into what appeared to be green confetti, which sprayed over her from head to toe. Staring at the spot where the leprechaun had just been, she vacantly opened her hand and let a handful of confetti get blown away by the breeze.
"Great, that was a total waste," Gaz growled, a sound that intensified as she attempted to brush the confetti off her clothes and hair, only to find it wouldn't come off, "What the hell? What, is there super glue on this stuff or something? Terrific, now I'm going to have to spend all night getting this stuff off… Dib, wake up!"
She emphasized her last statement with a kick, which jolted her brother awake.
"Guh, what hit me? …Gaz! What happened, where's the leprechaun?!"
"Bigfoot knocked you out and grabbed him," she responded half-heartedly, as she continued to brush at the confetti.
"What? That doesn't make any sense – sasquatches all migrate to Quebec this time of year," Dib stated, before trailing off as he finally took note of his sister's current state, "Why are you covered in confetti?"
"Never mind. Come on, we're going home," she responded curtly.
"But-"
"NOW!"
"Okay, okay, geez…"
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The Membrane Household, Later That Night
Gaz muttered obscenities to herself as she stared at her reflection in her bathroom mirror. After many unsuccessful attempts to remove the confetti, she had tossed her clothes in the laundry and hopped in the shower to wash away the rest of the confetti in her hair. However, as the shower had failed to work at all, she was starting to think she'd have to just throw that outfit out.
"Whatever's keeping this stuff in had better wear off by the morning," she muttered as she slipped into her pajamas, "If not, Dib's going to be sorry – it's his fault I was out there in the first place."
With that thought in mind, Gaz returned to her room, switched off the lights, climbed into bed, and shut her eyes. All the while, she ignored the itching, tingling sensation in her scalp, and not noticing that the "confetti" in her hair had started to glow.
XXXXXXX
The next morning, Gaz yawned as she sat up in bed, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. As she removed her hands, she looked around, frowning as she did so; for some reason, everything seemed a little bigger than it had the previous night. Reaching up to rub her eyes again in the hope of clearing things up, she froze as she noticed the bright green sleeve her arm was sporting. Staring at it for a moment, she suddenly reached down and practically ripped her comforter and bed sheets off, revealing that rather than her pajamas, she was wearing what appeared to be her normal outfit, except in various shades of green, with a pair of pointy black shoes on her feet.
"What the bloody hell is this?!" she shouted, a hand reflexively shooting up to clasp over her mouth in shock as she noticed the thick Irish brogue her words had been tinted with.
"What the hell's going on? I sound like… oh no," she thought, before reaching to her bedside table – which seemed further away than before – yanking open a drawer, and pulling out a hand mirror. Looking into it, she was greeted by the sight of what was definitely her face, but at the same time not. Her straight purple hair had turned red and curly, and poking out from it what were unmistakably pointy ears. And most shocking of all were her widened eyes, which rather than golden-brown were now vibrant green. Taking into account this, her clothes, and the irrefutable fact that she was now much shorter than she had been before, she was faced with only one conclusion.
She had turned into a leprechaun. She was a freaking leprechaun!
"This cannot be happening!" Gaz shouted, throwing the mirror aside. Before she could do anything else, however, she heard several mechanical whirring noises. Looking up, she saw that her security dolls were all active, standing and turning to look at her, eyes glowing.
"INTRUDER DETECTED," one announced in an electronic monotone. It took her a moment to realize what it was talking about, and when she did, she felt a rare shiver of fear run down her spine – they didn't recognize her, and she had programmed them to attack anyone who entered her room and wasn't her or her father.
As they began to march towards her, she indulged in a rare moment of panic and did the one thing she could think of.
"DIB!" she shouted.
A moment later, Dib – looking barely awake himself – burst into the room.
"Gaz? What is it? Is something wr-?" Dib asked trailed off as he took in what was happening, gaze locking onto Gaz. Despite herself, she felt a moment of hope; for all of his stupidity, his obsession with the paranormal was a boon here. Surely he'd realize what had happened and-
"Wow, another leprechaun!" Dib exclaimed. Gaz facepalmed.
"This is great! I don't know why you're in my sister's room, but if I could just have a few minutes of your time-AAAHHH!" Dib started to say as he walked into the room, only to be assaulted by the dolls as he did so. After all, despite the other registered intruder, "attack Dib" was their default setting, so that overrode everything.
Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Gaz took the opportunity to flee her room, rushing past the mound of dolls mauling her brother and out into the hallway. When she did, she considered her options – obviously, Dib wasn't going to be of any help. Her only other choice seemed to her to be her father; it probably wouldn't be too hard to convince him that her transformation was the result of some stupid experiment of Dib's. Sure, she didn't want to end up a public spectacle again like during the whole "pig girl" thing, but she'd lived down the humiliation before, surely she could do it again. And it beat being a leprechaun for the rest of her life.
Rushing downstairs, she approached the nearest floating video-screen.
"Call Dad!" she ordered it.
However, rather than connecting to her father, or even the familiar "please hold" message, the screen flashed red.
"WARNING," the screen announced, "VOICE PRINT MATCH NOT FOUND FOR MEMBRANE FAMILY MEMBERS. INTRUDER ALERT."
"Oh come on!" Gaz groaned, before suddenly being grabbed by a metal arm that shot out from the ceiling and lifted her into the air.
"Greetings, intruder into my domestic dwelling," a recording of Professor Membrane said, appearing on the screen, "As you seem to have broken into my home for no other reason than to contact me via this secure line, I can only assume that you are one of my many obsessed fans. While I am flattered, I am afraid that social norms and laws dictate that I cannot tolerate your actions. Therefore, you will now be removed from my home via this air cannon. Thank you and have a nice day."
"…Air cannon?" Gaz asked nervously, before a tube extended from the wall, which she was unceremoniously stuffed into. Before she could attempt to free herself, the tube closed shut, there was a burst of air, and she was sent flying up the tube. Within moments, Gaz found herself exiting her house through the roof and flying through the sky high over her neighborhood, eventually landing in a luckily (somewhat) open and full dumpster.
Groaning, Gaz pulled herself out of the stinking mess and gently lowered herself to the ground, staggering over to the opposite side of the alley she was in and leaning against it.
"Could anything else go wrong today?" she asked the universe.
"Ye really shouldn't tempt fate like that lass," another Irish voice answered. Head snapping up, Gaz turned to the direction of the voice, seeing the speaker sitting atop the dumpster she had just climbed out of. For a moment, she thought she was looking at the same leprechaun who had done this to her, but she quickly noticed that this one was significantly stouter, had a thicker beard with grey mixed in with the red, was wearing a long fur cape, was holding a golden scepter almost as tall as he was, and most importantly, had a golden circlet crown on his head.
"Now who the hell are you?" Gaz asked.
"Seamus McFlitrock, King of the Little People," he declared, hopping off of the dumpster to land lightly on his feet.
"Oh? Then that means you can turn me back to normal," Gaz said, a snarl twisting her features as she marched up to him, "And if you know what's good for you, you'll do it fast before I-"
SMACK!
Gaz was cut off as Seamus nonchalantly smacked her in the head with his scepter. She fell to the ground, vision spinning, and before she had a chance to reorient herself, she yelped in pain as he grabbed her by the hair and tugged her head back so they were making eye contact.
"Looky here, missy," Seamus said, glaring down at her, "Ye killed one of me subjects. By rights I should execute ye here and now. However, by twist of fate, ye now are one of me subjects, so I'm obligated to help ye.
"As for your current state, there's not much I can do right now. A death curse like the one that changed ye is powerful magic to begin with, and the fact that it was done on the Feast of Saint Patrick only increases its power. It'll have to be on that day again if I'm to have any chance of reversing it.
"So, here's what I'll do. Either I leave ye here, and you spend the next year scrounging and waiting for me to come back for ye, or you come back to me realm with me, and I find a place for you to stay while waiting. Your choice."
He released his hold on Gaz's hair, letting her drop to the ground. She sat there, still somewhat dizzy from the blow to the head, and pondered her choices. She had no way of knowing what would happen to her if she went with this guy, but could it really be worse than spending the next year running around alleys and woods, trying to figure out a way back to normal while avoiding paranormal fanatics like Dib? Besides, it sounded like he was offering a pretty cozy place to stay to make up for what had happened to her.
"Fine," she finally said, "I'll go with you."
"Good," Seamus said, "Now hold on, this'll only take a moment."
He slammed his scepter into the ground and there was a flash of light. When Gaz's eyes cleared, she found that she was now standing in a grand hallway straight out of a Middle Ages movie. Before she could inspect it more closely, Seamus whistled sharply, causing her ears to ring. Moments later, an older looking leprechaun woman wearing an apron and head shawl (both green, naturally) walked in from a nearby doorway.
"Oh, Yer Majesty, yer back," she greeted with a slight bow, during which she noticed Gaz, "Who's this then?"
"Matron, this is the new scullery maid," King Seamus said with a grin, "I'm putting her under your care."
"Scullery maid?!" Gaz practically screeched, glaring up at him.
"Of course," he replied, grin turning evil, "I said I'd find a place for you here. Did ye think you'd just lay about and do whatever you wanted?"
"This isn't what I agreed to, you fat old bas-GAH!" Gaz's insult was cut off by a yelp as the Matron suddenly reached out and grabbed her ear.
"Such disrespect to yer elders!" she scolded, glaring at Gaz, "That'd be bad enough for a few lashes of the switch on its own, but to the King no less? Just fer that, yer first job'll be cleaning out the chamber pots!"
"I'm not cleaning anything you old bat! Let go!" Gaz yelled.
"Ye will if ye want to eat, lass. Now come along – switch first, and then work," the Matron said, dragging Gaz down the hall.
"Have fun!" Seamus said with a laugh, waving after them, "Look on the bright side lass, it's only 'til next St. Patrick's Day!"
As Gaz disappeared down the hall, Seamus stopped and rubbed his chin in thought.
"Hmm, I wonder if I should have told her that time moves faster here, and it'll twenty years fer us before it's been one on Earth? …Oh well. A few years of hard work and discipline will do wonders for this one's attitude, and if nothing else, it'll be a bit of proper justice for Paddy."
With that thought in mind, Seamus turned on his heel and walked the other way down the hall, humming a jaunty tune.
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The Skool, One Year and Six Months Later (Earth Time)
Dib disliked being in Skool after hours under the best circumstances… well, no, there weren't any good circumstances much less best ones concerning Skool. But rushing through Skool after hours to stop Zim from blasting the moon to turn it into cheese and bring the space mice migration down on them all? Not fun.
Contemplating this, the large-headed boy failed a spot check and ran into something soft but unyielding.
"Dib," the obstruction growled in brogue. From his spot on the floor, Dib recognized the back and posterior of the stout figure in the jumpsuit.
Turning around, revealing the moon shaped pale face framed by an unflattering mane of very curly red hair, was the dreaded new janitor. Mazzie, her nametag proclaimed her, and she cracked open one eye, revealing the piercing green orb one student claimed to have stolen his soul. Apparently he bought it back for ten bucks.
"Mazzie, I am still sorry about the third floor boy's room," Dib apologized again. The Irishwoman growled and planted her mop with a squick. She returned to work, ignoring him.
The woman was almost as scary as Miss Bitters, but the teachers jealously guarded their right to harm children. And since Mazzie was low on the faculty totem pole, she could little more than intimidate.
He had done some checking to make sure she wasn't secretly a shaved Sasquatch – standard procedure. She was an obsessive cleaner, and as far as he could tell she never left Skool, having turned a janitor's closet into a one-bedroom apartment so she could always be on hand to clean the Skool.
She hated the kids for the messes, and was mocked for her near-incomprehensible dialect by those same children, who knew she couldn't actually harm them, even as she seemed to fall deeper into cleaning beast insanity and Skool-food-only induced obesity.
Still, he couldn't help but feel the scornful insane Irishwoman reminded him of someone.
But no matter, he had a moon to save and a horde of space rodents to disappoint!
Gaz watched out of the corner of her eye as her now-younger older brother dashed off down the hallway, probably to stop Zim's latest crazy scheme, which would no doubt leave a huge mess for her to clean up afterwards.
Oh, how she missed the days when she could pound his big head in for annoying her. But the teachers wouldn't let anyone else harm their students, and she couldn't afford to lose her job, not in her condition.
It was bad enough that the stupid King had mislead her about how long she'd have to stay in his realm, but when he'd finally made her human again, he had – as a final joke at her expense – not bothered to restore her physical appearance. If he had, she might have been able to convince people who she was through some technobabble of falling through a time portal or some such nonsense that her father at least might have believed, giving her a shot at some semblance of her old life. But no; as it was, the official story was that young Gaz Membrane had been abducted by an insane fan of her father's, and the simple fact was that if some Irishwoman in her twenties came forward claiming to be her only a year later, she'd be stuck in the Crazy House.
So, with no identity, no money, and no education above a sixth grade level, this was the only job she could get. Besides which, after twenty years of being beaten for leaving something with even the slightest smudge on it, she'd developed OCD towards cleaning. If she got thrown out of the Skool, she'd just end up randomly cleaning stuff on the street like a crazy person. Which was the whole reason she never left the building, leaving stuck in a job she hated, surrounded by people she despised and couldn't hurt for mocking her, and she was going to be here for the rest of her life.
Though on the plus side, as long as she avoided Zim, or opening her eyes too wide while looking in the mirror, she never had to see the color green ever again. Silver linings, and all that.
Hearing an explosion several floors above, she sighed, and finished up on this spot before making her way there to clean up yet another mess.
Such was life.
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End
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A/N: Sorry if the ending's a little lackluster, but I couldn't think of a real good way to wrap it up.
On another note, I don't really know accents all that well, let alone how to write them, so if my attempt at Irish turned into something else, I apologize.
Anyway, Happy St. Patrick's Day, and please, read and review!