Title: Halfway Home
Disclaimer: I don't own a thing. The characters belong to J.J. Abrams, Bad Robot, ABC, and Touchstone.
Rating: PG
Summary: Sydney's halfway home. Spoilers from Almost Thirty Years and Phase One.
*****
It is late in the day, the sun is setting and I am driving away from its burial into the earth, where it will rise only to renew itself the next day. And I can't help but notice the way that the sun's birth and death in a day mirrors my life in its entirety.
The chill of the wind gives me an involuntarily shiver and I am reluctant to roll up the window. The wind is much more than a force of nature, it is like the catalyst to my mind replaying memories from my past.
I am alone now. The night is so soft, so quiet, and all that I can hear are the sounds of my tires running over the exhausted asphalt of an old forgotten road and the wind whipping in and through my ears, echoing the sentiment that my life has been a vacuum since the day I was born.
Images cascade through my mind at a rapid rate, almost proportional to the speed that my old rugged truck is moving in the direction of my fate. It was five years ago today, that SD-6 was defeated. It was three years ago, that Vaughn told me he was married. It was a year ago, that my father died at the hands of a man who has been the bane of my existence since I can remember. And it was two days ago, that I took that man's life and I sent him straight to the hell that he built for himself over the span of thirty five years.
There are no regrets, not now. Everything is finished. I laugh at that thought. God, it amazes me how easily I lie to myself nowadays. Regret implies that the action I took in a particular situation would be reversed if given the chance. I don't regret a single day. I learned a long time ago, that I can't blame myself for everything. The fact that I have made mistakes is no secret, however, others have to take responsibility as well. God knows, I have enough guilt. I don't need the extra torture. Saying everything is finished, well, that is the lie. But today of all days, I hope to rectify that, and just live my life. It seems for so long that I have been taking the same roads, the same paths, and the only thing that it has brought me is pain, death, betrayal, and loss.
The only direction I really ever loved, that I felt like made a difference was the decision to allow myself to love him. He was the factor. He was the one. He gave me more in four months, than I could ever imagine. He was the single greatest moment of my life. I have lost people in my life. I have buried people, but nothing, nothing made me want to give up more than losing him. When we walked away from each other three years ago, it was a mutual decision. We have never done anything without the other since we met. And walking away took all the strength that we had. I wouldn't take that back, not a day do I regret letting him go. It was the best possible option at the time. Nothing could change the decision he had made. And as I looked at him for the last time, I knew that I had never loved him more. I know people couldn't understand. But you see, one of the many things that made me love him is his sense of morality and the man that would have left his wife to be with me, would not have been the man that I fell in love with. I knew he felt the same way about me. I just remember asking God that night, why? What had I done that was so wrong, why was I being punished? However, as my father always said, if you sit around asking the world to be fair, then you are wasting time and precious moments in life. You accept and move on. Leave it to my father to get blunt and to the point. He was right though.
I think about all of the people I lost in my life; my mother, Danny, Emily, Francie, Dad, Will and Vaughn. The last two not by death, but because of the life that was thrust upon me. I didn't even choose this life, it was given to me, and now I am being punished by it. Will left L.A. shortly after he was released from the hospital. I haven't seen him since that night five years ago. I talked with him once on the phone, but there isn't a lot to say between two people who have lost so much. Sometimes I wish I had never met him, and not for my benefit, to relieve some pain of mine. No, I wish that for him. He was right, I ruined his life, not intentionally, but that guilt I still carry with me, just like Francie's death haunts me to this day. However, the awful truth about being a spy, the fact that you were trained to compartmentalize, that stays with you, and that is the only thing that gets me to the next day. My mother died when I was six. Irina Derevko is still out there, but the last time I saw her, she saved my life. Sark is no longer a concern thanks to Derevko. As she pulled the trigger, and he lay at my feet, the only thing I saw in her eyes for the first time since we met as adults was love. So, I let her go. It was a goodbye. She had finally proven her love for me, which was enough for her and ultimately, for me. I know that is selfish, she caused so much pain in her life, but I was so tired of the hate, the revenge, the justice.
As I come out of my revelry, I notice that the sun has finally set for the evening, and the night invades me, invades my soul. It threatens to engulf me, but the only thing that keeps me from giving into the darkness is quite simply, Vaughn. Still to this day, I love that man, I love everything about him. There hasn't been anyone since him and I don't want anyone else. There are moments in life that you experience which leave a lasting impression on you. He is and always will be the most important part of my life. I have made my peace with it, well, on some days anyway. Sometimes I wish things were different, that I wouldn't have been taken from him or that he hadn't been taken from me. However, you cut it, we both were cheated. We both know that. Today is different though. Today will change everything. Today is my forever.
Before I know it, I have reached the driveway that will lead me to my sanctuary. The asphalt is traded in for gravel. It is a beautiful cabin up on a hill, about a mile off of the main road. It is secluded and yet not lonely. The lights are on, and there is a warmth reaching out to me. There is a part of me that is so happy to be here and the other part, well, it knows my heart will break again. I take a moment to sit there in the truck, the engine has been shut off, and for a minute, I hear nothing. It is quiet. You have to strain to hear anything out here; however, there are soft strains of music pouring out of the cabin. I try to make it out, but just the simple fact that it is the only thing I can hear is comforting. Ironic, I think, once again, that for 14 years I have lived nothing but a life filled with noise. Peace, that is the way I can describe it.
And that is when I see him. He has stepped outside, and off the front porch. I reach for the handle and step out carefully. I shut the door, and now all I can hear is the echo of the door shutting, the quiet rhythm of a song in the distance, and my heart beating almost out of my chest. I swear, I just heard him smile, if that is possible. God, this man is beautiful. I feel my blood just warm at the sight of him. He is in my blood, and every time my heart beats I can feel him in my veins, racing through my heart and emptying into the rest of my body. He is the first to speak.
"I didn't know if you would come?"
"I didn't know either. Why did you ask me to come up here?" And as I ask that question, I ask myself the same question.why did I come up here? Because he is your sanctuary, he is your world, he is your life, and he is your safety.
"Because the last three years without you have been the worst years of my life. I tried Sydney, I tried to love her. I failed her. I haven't been with anyone else since I married her, but everyday I cheated on her, because I was in love with another woman. And I pushed her away, Syd. She left me, but the truth is, I was never really with her. I am not a man worthy of anything good, I have caused nothing but pain to so many, and I especially don't deserve a second chance with you, but Syd, I had to try. I had to know."
"Had to know what?"
"I think you know what?"
And that scene that played out in the Joint Task Forces Center so many years ago, rings through my head.
"I need you to tell me."
This man who is so torn, so defeated, barely standing in front of me, flashes me that crooked smile, the one that always tore at my heart.
"You need me to tell you what? You need me to tell you that I haven't slept in three years, wondering where you where, who you were with, if you were even alive. You want me to tell you that for the last seven years of my life, I have dreamed of nothing but being with you for the rest of my life. You want me to tell you that I have loved you since the first day I met you, and that the first time I kissed you, I knew I would never love anyone the way I love you. I have made mistakes, mistakes that have cost us both so dearly. If this is the last time I ever see you, if you never forgive me, at least you will know how I felt about you. At least, you will realize that I love you more than anything else in the world, and maybe that is all I get. After everything, maybe I am lucky to just get the chance to tell you. But something in me, knows that you and I were meant to be. Whether it was for four months or the rest of our lives, I don't know. God knows, I am going to love you for the rest of mine. Syd, what I am trying to say is that there is nothing that I want or need more in this life, than to be with you. Please, Syd."
I stand amazed. I have imagined this moment for so long it is almost foreign to me. I look around at the view on top of this hill. I can see nothing but vast amounts of land surrounding us, but off in the distance, I swear I see outlines, that look almost like humans. And for a split second, I imagine that Danny, Emily, Francie, and my Dad are looking at me, and they are all smiling. There is a peace when I see them, a peace that surpasses all understanding. And then they fade back into the darkness of the earth, and I turn my head towards him, my eyes filling with tears. He is just standing there, hands at his sides, and I know that if I don't walk into his arms tonight that both of us will surely die. Because I realize that everything this man has just said to me, I felt all of those things too. And if I don't walk into those arms tonight, I don't think I will make it. The past is the past. So many people have fallen by our sides, we have lost so much, but right now, I have the chance to change my luck. I have the chance to choose my life, to choose my own version of happiness. So I say the words that I know he has wanted to hear, because this isn't about me forgiving him. I owe him to tell him the truth. I should have said these words years ago. Everything that stood in my way then, is gone. And I am tired of fighting my love for him. I am so tired.
"You broke my heart, you know that?"
He hangs his head, and sighs, and begins to respond, but I cut him off.
"You did. You broke my heart that day on the pier." He is surprised, but I press on, because I have needed to say this to him for over 7 years now.
"When you said those words to me, when I touched you for the first time, God, you broke my heart. I knew that I would never be the same. You took everything in me, and then you gave everything back to me. The first time you kissed me, the first time we made love, the first time I woke up beside you.you broke my heart again and again. Because I have never felt anything like that before, my heart was so full, but it hurt so much. I don't think that a person is suppose to love that much. But God help me, I do. I love you so much. So if you are asking me what I think you are asking me. I'm in."
As I stood there, tears streaming down my face, I swear I see a rebirth. The man who was so broken, so defeated just minutes before, comes to life. And he wastes no time, walking to me, reaching for me the whole time, hands searching for home. Until now, I was always halfway home. When he reaches me, I realize that finally and thankfully I am home.
Disclaimer: I don't own a thing. The characters belong to J.J. Abrams, Bad Robot, ABC, and Touchstone.
Rating: PG
Summary: Sydney's halfway home. Spoilers from Almost Thirty Years and Phase One.
*****
It is late in the day, the sun is setting and I am driving away from its burial into the earth, where it will rise only to renew itself the next day. And I can't help but notice the way that the sun's birth and death in a day mirrors my life in its entirety.
The chill of the wind gives me an involuntarily shiver and I am reluctant to roll up the window. The wind is much more than a force of nature, it is like the catalyst to my mind replaying memories from my past.
I am alone now. The night is so soft, so quiet, and all that I can hear are the sounds of my tires running over the exhausted asphalt of an old forgotten road and the wind whipping in and through my ears, echoing the sentiment that my life has been a vacuum since the day I was born.
Images cascade through my mind at a rapid rate, almost proportional to the speed that my old rugged truck is moving in the direction of my fate. It was five years ago today, that SD-6 was defeated. It was three years ago, that Vaughn told me he was married. It was a year ago, that my father died at the hands of a man who has been the bane of my existence since I can remember. And it was two days ago, that I took that man's life and I sent him straight to the hell that he built for himself over the span of thirty five years.
There are no regrets, not now. Everything is finished. I laugh at that thought. God, it amazes me how easily I lie to myself nowadays. Regret implies that the action I took in a particular situation would be reversed if given the chance. I don't regret a single day. I learned a long time ago, that I can't blame myself for everything. The fact that I have made mistakes is no secret, however, others have to take responsibility as well. God knows, I have enough guilt. I don't need the extra torture. Saying everything is finished, well, that is the lie. But today of all days, I hope to rectify that, and just live my life. It seems for so long that I have been taking the same roads, the same paths, and the only thing that it has brought me is pain, death, betrayal, and loss.
The only direction I really ever loved, that I felt like made a difference was the decision to allow myself to love him. He was the factor. He was the one. He gave me more in four months, than I could ever imagine. He was the single greatest moment of my life. I have lost people in my life. I have buried people, but nothing, nothing made me want to give up more than losing him. When we walked away from each other three years ago, it was a mutual decision. We have never done anything without the other since we met. And walking away took all the strength that we had. I wouldn't take that back, not a day do I regret letting him go. It was the best possible option at the time. Nothing could change the decision he had made. And as I looked at him for the last time, I knew that I had never loved him more. I know people couldn't understand. But you see, one of the many things that made me love him is his sense of morality and the man that would have left his wife to be with me, would not have been the man that I fell in love with. I knew he felt the same way about me. I just remember asking God that night, why? What had I done that was so wrong, why was I being punished? However, as my father always said, if you sit around asking the world to be fair, then you are wasting time and precious moments in life. You accept and move on. Leave it to my father to get blunt and to the point. He was right though.
I think about all of the people I lost in my life; my mother, Danny, Emily, Francie, Dad, Will and Vaughn. The last two not by death, but because of the life that was thrust upon me. I didn't even choose this life, it was given to me, and now I am being punished by it. Will left L.A. shortly after he was released from the hospital. I haven't seen him since that night five years ago. I talked with him once on the phone, but there isn't a lot to say between two people who have lost so much. Sometimes I wish I had never met him, and not for my benefit, to relieve some pain of mine. No, I wish that for him. He was right, I ruined his life, not intentionally, but that guilt I still carry with me, just like Francie's death haunts me to this day. However, the awful truth about being a spy, the fact that you were trained to compartmentalize, that stays with you, and that is the only thing that gets me to the next day. My mother died when I was six. Irina Derevko is still out there, but the last time I saw her, she saved my life. Sark is no longer a concern thanks to Derevko. As she pulled the trigger, and he lay at my feet, the only thing I saw in her eyes for the first time since we met as adults was love. So, I let her go. It was a goodbye. She had finally proven her love for me, which was enough for her and ultimately, for me. I know that is selfish, she caused so much pain in her life, but I was so tired of the hate, the revenge, the justice.
As I come out of my revelry, I notice that the sun has finally set for the evening, and the night invades me, invades my soul. It threatens to engulf me, but the only thing that keeps me from giving into the darkness is quite simply, Vaughn. Still to this day, I love that man, I love everything about him. There hasn't been anyone since him and I don't want anyone else. There are moments in life that you experience which leave a lasting impression on you. He is and always will be the most important part of my life. I have made my peace with it, well, on some days anyway. Sometimes I wish things were different, that I wouldn't have been taken from him or that he hadn't been taken from me. However, you cut it, we both were cheated. We both know that. Today is different though. Today will change everything. Today is my forever.
Before I know it, I have reached the driveway that will lead me to my sanctuary. The asphalt is traded in for gravel. It is a beautiful cabin up on a hill, about a mile off of the main road. It is secluded and yet not lonely. The lights are on, and there is a warmth reaching out to me. There is a part of me that is so happy to be here and the other part, well, it knows my heart will break again. I take a moment to sit there in the truck, the engine has been shut off, and for a minute, I hear nothing. It is quiet. You have to strain to hear anything out here; however, there are soft strains of music pouring out of the cabin. I try to make it out, but just the simple fact that it is the only thing I can hear is comforting. Ironic, I think, once again, that for 14 years I have lived nothing but a life filled with noise. Peace, that is the way I can describe it.
And that is when I see him. He has stepped outside, and off the front porch. I reach for the handle and step out carefully. I shut the door, and now all I can hear is the echo of the door shutting, the quiet rhythm of a song in the distance, and my heart beating almost out of my chest. I swear, I just heard him smile, if that is possible. God, this man is beautiful. I feel my blood just warm at the sight of him. He is in my blood, and every time my heart beats I can feel him in my veins, racing through my heart and emptying into the rest of my body. He is the first to speak.
"I didn't know if you would come?"
"I didn't know either. Why did you ask me to come up here?" And as I ask that question, I ask myself the same question.why did I come up here? Because he is your sanctuary, he is your world, he is your life, and he is your safety.
"Because the last three years without you have been the worst years of my life. I tried Sydney, I tried to love her. I failed her. I haven't been with anyone else since I married her, but everyday I cheated on her, because I was in love with another woman. And I pushed her away, Syd. She left me, but the truth is, I was never really with her. I am not a man worthy of anything good, I have caused nothing but pain to so many, and I especially don't deserve a second chance with you, but Syd, I had to try. I had to know."
"Had to know what?"
"I think you know what?"
And that scene that played out in the Joint Task Forces Center so many years ago, rings through my head.
"I need you to tell me."
This man who is so torn, so defeated, barely standing in front of me, flashes me that crooked smile, the one that always tore at my heart.
"You need me to tell you what? You need me to tell you that I haven't slept in three years, wondering where you where, who you were with, if you were even alive. You want me to tell you that for the last seven years of my life, I have dreamed of nothing but being with you for the rest of my life. You want me to tell you that I have loved you since the first day I met you, and that the first time I kissed you, I knew I would never love anyone the way I love you. I have made mistakes, mistakes that have cost us both so dearly. If this is the last time I ever see you, if you never forgive me, at least you will know how I felt about you. At least, you will realize that I love you more than anything else in the world, and maybe that is all I get. After everything, maybe I am lucky to just get the chance to tell you. But something in me, knows that you and I were meant to be. Whether it was for four months or the rest of our lives, I don't know. God knows, I am going to love you for the rest of mine. Syd, what I am trying to say is that there is nothing that I want or need more in this life, than to be with you. Please, Syd."
I stand amazed. I have imagined this moment for so long it is almost foreign to me. I look around at the view on top of this hill. I can see nothing but vast amounts of land surrounding us, but off in the distance, I swear I see outlines, that look almost like humans. And for a split second, I imagine that Danny, Emily, Francie, and my Dad are looking at me, and they are all smiling. There is a peace when I see them, a peace that surpasses all understanding. And then they fade back into the darkness of the earth, and I turn my head towards him, my eyes filling with tears. He is just standing there, hands at his sides, and I know that if I don't walk into his arms tonight that both of us will surely die. Because I realize that everything this man has just said to me, I felt all of those things too. And if I don't walk into those arms tonight, I don't think I will make it. The past is the past. So many people have fallen by our sides, we have lost so much, but right now, I have the chance to change my luck. I have the chance to choose my life, to choose my own version of happiness. So I say the words that I know he has wanted to hear, because this isn't about me forgiving him. I owe him to tell him the truth. I should have said these words years ago. Everything that stood in my way then, is gone. And I am tired of fighting my love for him. I am so tired.
"You broke my heart, you know that?"
He hangs his head, and sighs, and begins to respond, but I cut him off.
"You did. You broke my heart that day on the pier." He is surprised, but I press on, because I have needed to say this to him for over 7 years now.
"When you said those words to me, when I touched you for the first time, God, you broke my heart. I knew that I would never be the same. You took everything in me, and then you gave everything back to me. The first time you kissed me, the first time we made love, the first time I woke up beside you.you broke my heart again and again. Because I have never felt anything like that before, my heart was so full, but it hurt so much. I don't think that a person is suppose to love that much. But God help me, I do. I love you so much. So if you are asking me what I think you are asking me. I'm in."
As I stood there, tears streaming down my face, I swear I see a rebirth. The man who was so broken, so defeated just minutes before, comes to life. And he wastes no time, walking to me, reaching for me the whole time, hands searching for home. Until now, I was always halfway home. When he reaches me, I realize that finally and thankfully I am home.