My eyes readily scanned over the files that were placed on my desk. Organized and categorized just how I liked and demanded it to be. The lines of words told me a story and the picture of the bones sang to me in a way nothing else could, in a way that no other person could possibly understand. They spoke to me, not in the literal sense of course but in the metaphorical. They told me stories of where they grew up, the injuries they had in the past, sometimes even the way the person died but in the end a story was told, and I was blessed with telling the story to those who could not hear.
The pictures in front of me were from a 16 year old female that was viciously strangled and her neck snapped as the postmortem blow. I could tell from the cracking of her hips and the jostling of joints that she was held down, forced to endure a kind of cruelty I would wish on no human. From the staining of several pieces of bones I could tell blows were rained down upon her like gunfire in a warzone, hairline fractures across her skull and torso were proof of this.
The details in the words were just as what I had come up with, a brutal rape and murder for this poor 16 year old. I sucked in a breath as I continued to read, she had been locked in a trunk after her demise and said vehicle dumped into a pond, forever forgotten and ebbed away by times wrath. Memories poured through me as quick as lightning as I gripped my desk tighter and tighter, feeling the smooth wood underneath my fingers, but soon I was calm once more and my breathing back to normal.
I really had to stop doing that…Identifying with various things in cases, such as the car. I was thirty three, I could deal with whatever could come my way, I was a grown woman and an independent one at that. I didn't need anybody any more than I needed a cigarette or alcohol, I wasn't dependent upon anything except my job so I could continue living at the current level that I was. No, I didn't need to identify with every case that came through those doors. But in the end, I couldn't help but identify with similarities of my teenage years with those that did go through.
Of course none of my colleagues knew of my abuse in the foster care system, well, none of them except Angela. Even now saying her name brought a smile to my face, the somewhat bubbly, fierce, protective Angela was the closest I had to anything resembling any relationship. She was the first one to pierce the walls I had carefully crafted around myself, and the only one to get to the center where my true feelings and emotions lay. I was truly grateful to have Angela in my life, but sometimes I wanted more from her…More than I could ever have, more than she should know.
I am…attracted to the same sex. Nobody knows this, not Booth and certainly not Angela, the prime candidate for my crush. Well, the only candidate. She was perfect in my eyes, her anatomy was physically pleasing to me, and her voice drew me in whenever she spoke no matter what it was about and her eyes…The eyes that captivated me since I had first met her. They were bright to me, so magnificent and auburn. I truly couldn't find a single fault with her, I was captivated by everything she held out on the table and every day I constantly wanted to know more about her.
Then the pang of pain resounded in my heart. My eyes closed and a shaky breath escaped from between my lips. I could never have Angela; I could never have this magnificent beauty. I could never hold her, never kiss, never make love to, I could never do anything a couple would do for she was not the same as I, and she was not inclined towards the same sex. Every day the thought of someone else being able to touch her or just simply hold her hand was pain inducing to me. Jealousy was a new emotion for me as well, never have I felt the sting of it as I watched her boyfriend's kiss her or touch her intimately.
Though I'm not really surprised at the course of action life has taken against me. Almost the entirety of it, I have been alone. Utterly alone, abandon with no love and no hope. Only these last few years have I slowly become recognized, but not truly loved. I fear love is now outside of my grasp, but I guess I shouldn't really fear that either, if anything I should feel acceptance. Ever since my family left I knew I'd be alone, left to fend for myself against a cruel world. So now I just hide behind a false wall of friendliness and hopefulness, trying not to make my friends worry too much, especially Angela.
I growled low in my throat at the depressing thoughts and furiously rubbed my eyes, trying not to cry or tear up in the middle of the Jeffersonian. The last thing I needed was for people to worry and to worry about me no less was something that could not happen. The thought of making them sad, of making them worry was almost just as much pain as watching Angela carry on with her significant others. No, this could not happen and I will not allow it to happen. Taking a deep and calming breath I moved the papers away, my work ethic currently now ruined.
I lifted my head up and looked around my office, seeing the various Christmas decorations Angela had insisted we put up. A small tree was in the corner, shining brightly in various colors as ornaments hung off from its synthetic branches. More Christmas lights hung around the corners and little trinkets and snowmen were sitting on the various shelves and desks I had around the office. Angela had furiously insisted on decorating my office, wanting me to get into the spirit of things. I had a suspicion she did this for the fact I would be alone tonight, alone tomorrow and alone on Christmas day. I snorted; I would be alone for 365 days, not just three. Surely Angela knew that, but even then my heart warmed at the care she took.
Another reason why I fell in love with her.
A cough immediately brought me out of my deep musings and turning I seen a grinning Booth in my doorway, holding a package in his hands. I groaned as I turned towards him, and couldn't help but smile slightly at his chuckle as he pulled up a chair across from me. He smirked as he placed the package on my desk, and I leaned down to open up a drawer, withdrawing my own. Booth and I did this every year, swapping gifts. It became a kind of small tradition; we would just simply buy each other a relatively small but thoughtful gift and then go on about our merry way.
Booth grinned like a little boy as I handed him his present.
"So what'd ya get me, Bones?" He said, shaking the box with a child-like curiousness. "Phone? Gun? Something goooooood?" He drawled as he smirked at my annoyed look.
"I got you something appropriate for you Booth, just as I hope you did for me…" I said, giving a slight warning as he chuckled, tearing at the Christmas tree wrapping, revealing a plain brown box. Booth looked up at me slightly, arching a brow at my now apparent grin. Opening said box his eyes went wide, his jaw slack and a rush of air escaped his lungs. He gently placed the box on his lap and tenderly reached for what was inside; a flask.
Though this wasn't just any ordinary flask, it was engraved with "Rangers Lead the Way" in fancy-typed letters, along with his unit name and number, and on the back of the black-metal flash was Booth's full name along with his rank. He tenderly ran his fingers over it, not quite sure what he was seeing was real, before he looked up at me, placed the box on the table, and slammed into my arms for a bone crushing hug.
I grunted, surprised. Booth wasn't one to usually be emotional like this, but it made me smile warmly at my partner and brother-in-all-but-blood.
"Thank you Bones, thank you so much." He mumbled into my shoulder, and released me, sitting back down to admire the craft. "Though, I'm afraid my gift isn't quite as good as the one you gave me…" He said, suddenly embarrassed. I merely waved away at such thoughts; anything Booth could have gotten me would be wonderfully thoughtful. Smiling at him, I reached for the present and paused, now noticing the dolphin wrapping paper. I smiled bashfully at him, like a little girl would her parents for wrapping her presents in pink, before gently tearing away at the paper, revealing a small little box; a jewelry box.
Glancing up at the big grin Booth now wore on his face, his hands still holding the flash, I opened the small little box and nearly dropped it in my surprise. Sitting on a white pillow-like function was a silver necklace with a silver dolphin that had sapphire eyes and fins. The chain was a single strand and I couldn't help but smile brilliantly at the man before me. We have been partners for some years, and he never ceased to amaze me at the thoughtfulness of his gifts.
"Thank you, Booth…It means a lot to me." I said and stood up, still smiling, and gently took the necklace from the small box and put the two sides around my neck, hooking it into place. I couldn't help but hold the dolphin in my hands, admiring the craftsmanship.
"Look, Bones…Something's been bothering me lately." Booth suddenly said, and immediately I felt my stomach drop at the pain that was to come…The pain that was to come for Booth. "And, I really need to…Tell you a lot of things, things that I can't get off my shoulder." He said, looking exceedingly more nervous than he did a few minutes ago.
"Booth…" I started.
"No, listen, Bones I need to tell you this, to get it off my chest and to get some sort of peace of mind." He said, his leg jittering uncontrollably on the ground. I sighed, sitting down across from him and looking him in the eyes, afraid of what was to come, what I knew was to come.
"Are you a lesbian?!" He suddenly stated, his voice rising to new levels. Suddenly my face paled and my breath hitched once more, but this time in shock. I had thought…I had thought he was going to say something along the lines of "I love you" or confess his feelings. At this, I couldn't help but laugh, ignoring his indignant look.
"Bones I'm serious! Are you?" He asked, suddenly aggravated. I stopped my laughter and sobered, looking at him.
"Why do you ask?"
"B-Because! All you ever do is stare at women when you think I'm not looking, I've never seen you look at men the same way, I've never seen you with a man well alone bed one." He stated, listing off several facts he had observed and I couldn't help but blush and pale at the same time.
"I-I-"I stuttered, before he interrupted me.
"Look, I'm a religious man and all but if you are I'll accept that Bones. Sure, it may take some getting used to, and it'll be kind of awkward for a little bit but I still think of you and the squints as family." Booth reassured, gently patting my leg as I closed my eyes and controlled my breathing.
"I-I…Yes…I am…" I replied weakly, shaking now. How could he figure me out so easily? I tried, I tried really hard to keep it to myself, I tried to keep my reactions to beautiful women at bay, I tried to hide them and lock them up so as to not be judged by those I cared about. One of my greatest fears, being rejected for being who I was, and even now that fear was broadcasted upon my face, and Booth easily registered it. Leaning forward he gathered me into his arms and hugged the life out of me, whispering reassuring words into my ear.
"I promise I won't think any less of you, Bones." He whispered. "I just wanted to know and confirm my suspicions." I couldn't help but smile into his shoulder, my heart warming at his love for me. But then a thought came crashing through my mind.
"Does anyone else know?" I suddenly asked, pulling back from the hug, my eyes wide.
"No, no one else does." He said, searching my face. He suddenly grinned. "NO one else is as good of a FBI agent as me, Bones!" He jested, puffing his chest out and causing me giggle, lightening the mood. Pulling away we smiled at each other, grateful for the more than friendship we had between us.
"What are your plans for Christmas?" I asked, sitting back in my chair. His face suddenly lit up like a Christmas tree and he grinned as he told me, even though I knew the answer already.
"I have Parker this year, so it's going to be great! What about you?" He asked, his smile slowly disappearing as I didn't answer him. Honestly, he should have known what I did every Christmas; sit at home and drink until I pass out. It was a…Tradition. I told him as much, but he continued to insist on wanting me to spend time with either him or one of the other members of my team. Even now, his mouth opened before I cut him off.
"No, I'm quite happy with what I do every Christmas Booth." I stated firmly, a glare working its way up. "So please, don't worry about me Booth go and have fun with Parker."
"If you say so…" He muttered, before standing up and giving me a quick hug. "I have to run by the office to finish off some papers, I'll see you after Christmas, Bones."
"Bye, Booth!" I called out, before sitting back down at my desk, staring at the paperwork that I myself had yet to do. Just when I was going to finally do my paperwork a knock alerted me to someone at my door. Sighing, I turned fully to expect Booth had forgotten something only to stop, my blood freezing slightly in my veins. It was Angela.
She was wearing a green skirt that hung loosely along her creamy thighs. A similar green shirt hugged her torso completely, showing off curves and mounds that made my mouth almost water at the thought of what lay beneath. Her brown hair was let loose around her shoulders and those eyes of hers…They seemed to stare into my being and I couldn't help but blush even more as she sat down across from me where Booth once sat, crossing her legs and grinning. I couldn't help but glance at what she had in her hands, a present. I smiled slightly at her, before reaching into the same drawer that had Booth's present.
"Merry Christmas, Sweetie!" Angela chirped and my blood pulsed for a second time. Silently I berated myself for being such…a teenager. It was like those stereotypical teenage crushes that I had, even the smallest forms of endearment caused me to act like a fool around this woman…And I couldn't help but love it.
"Merry Christmas, Ange." I replied, smiling at the bubbly artist. Grabbing the present, I handed it to the now excited woman. She gleefully tore apart of the paintbrush wrapping paper and looked inside the rectangular box. Opening up the lid to the box Angela suddenly stilled, her eyes wide. I myself started to fidget, thinking I may perhaps have gotten her the wrong kind of gift, but this was for naught as she suddenly placed the box on my desk and flung her arms at me, a squeal on her lips. I marveled at the fact my body didn't automatically go into defense mode, as it did with anyone else who touched me. I smiled and wrapped my arms around her and smelled the sweet perfume. It smelled of berries and other things I couldn't tell, but it was Angela.
"Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!" She happily replied over and over. The gift I had gotten her had been a set of expensive oil paints I had got from a fancy art store, the same set Angela had been salivating over but could not afford. I smiled brilliantly at her once again. I would have bought Angela a car if I could get more reactions out of her…Hell, I would have bought her anything. Suddenly she started fidgeting and I raised a questioning brow.
"My gift doesn't seem as…glamorous now, but…" She trailed off, holding the box out to me. I smiled, thinking nothing could ever be bad if it came from Angela. Gently wrapping off the paper I blinked, my eyes wide as a second shock came to my being today. Sitting in a clear box was a medium-sized smurfette, but this one wasn't the true-blue one that I usually got from Booth. It had tiny little artistic butterflies and designs stitched into the fabric with "Sweetie" written on the back. I couldn't help but have my heart soar at the customized gift Angela got me. Repeating her actions earlier, I leaned forward and hugged her, though not as energetic, it was still out of the normal for me. I didn't usually engage in physical contact with other people, but Angela brought out the best in me I suppose.
"I thank you, Angela." I whispered, back in my own seat and fiddling with the clear box as I stared at her, a bigger smile on my face now.
"It's no problem!" She smiled, but then her face turned serious. "Bren…What are you doing this Christmas?" She asked with a worried glint in her eyes. Even though she asked it, I couldn't help but grit my teeth and snarl.
"Did Booth talk to you?" Angela started to speak but I cut her off swiftly. "Look, how I spend my Christmas is my own deal, no one else's and the last time I checked none of you actually cared what I'm doing, and furthermore I'm a big girl I can take care of myself and I certainly don't need any pity!" I was on the verge of yelling now, my chest heaving as the anger seeped out of me, and only now noticing the teary eyed look Angela gave me for snapping at her. Standing up abruptly she stormed out of my office, mumbling something I couldn't quite hear as I called out to her.
Growling I swiped something off my desk, only to hear a loud crash of the lamp breaking against my floor. I suddenly hissed as my hand started bleeding, a small piece of glass stuck into the side. I couldn't help but scream in frustration as I pulled out some gauze. Today started off so good and I had thought it was going to end well but…I always seemed to ruin these kind of days, even if it was holiday season. Sighing, I finished wrapping my hand before going to work on the pieces of the lamp that was on my floor. Gently grabbing each piece I deposited them into the trash can before grabbing my purse and essentials, along with the gift Angela got me, I logged out and headed out the door of my office.
Huffing I made it out the doors and into the parking garage of the Jeffersonian and stalked towards my car, anger still evident in my movements. Though the anger was mostly towards myself, making Angela upset had not been my intentions…But tact wasn't always my greatest skill. Muttering under my breath I unlocked the door to my car and got in.
-One hour later-
I smiled slightly as I opened the door to my home, bracing myself for the furry impact that knocked me onto the floor. A wet slobbery tongue ran up and down my face as I giggled.
"R-Rusty get off me!" I laughed as my Husky ceased his licking and immediately sat on his haunches, breathing heavily and having a dog-smile on his face. I couldn't help but return the smile as I sat up and pet his head.
I had gotten Rusty about a month ago. He was abandoned and apparently abused as a puppy and then forced into the animal shelter system, not unlike me. Now he always stood by my side, ready and waiting for anything that could harm us and trying almost constantly to comfort me in ways only animals knew how. I remember the last few weeks spending many nights buried into his fur, crying about the things that I couldn't change in my life. In many ways we've saved each other's life.
"Do you want some food?" I asked, and immediately the thumping of his tail gave an answer to my question as he barked. Laughing I stood up, barely able to get two feet before Rusty bolted towards the kitchen cabinet that held his precious food. Smiling I filled his bowl up for his dinner and perched myself on the counter, staring off as I thought.
I'd have to apologize to Angela sometime soon; otherwise I'd get an earful from Hodgin's or Cam. Though the thought of getting chided by Hodgins made my stomach curl, I don't think I could listen to the clear love in his voice as he spoke of Angela, even though the two weren't together. A whine suddenly snapped me out of my musings as I looked down, Rusty nudging my hand with his ears back.
Smiling I slid off the counter and sat down on the floor, Rusty lying his head in my lap. I slowly petted him, enjoying the comfort he gave to me. We stayed like this for several minutes until I sighed, and eventually got up. I wasn't looking forward to the rest of my day, considering I still had yet to go buy alcohol and food for myself for the next week or so, at least to last me while I laze around and do nothing. I lumbered towards my living room and flopped myself on the couch, debating whether or not I should use the TV I had just bought days prior.
I had gotten it mostly so I could just waste time, since nothing else seemed to take it up anymore. Booth no longer invited me out to dinner or lunch with him, as well as anybody else in the office. I didn't mind all that much, they had lives outside of my own and it would be selfish to take up their time. So I had gotten it to fill in the blank time between hours I was either at work or out doing things. I still had yet to build a collection of movies so I still mostly watched random shows on the television. I sighed once more and lay on my side, slowly closing my eyes to take a quick nap.
-Several hours later-
I awoke with a gasp.
The nightmare that was previously encasing my mind ceased to exist as I bolted off from my couch, sweat pouring down my body. The clothes I had worn to work were now drenched and I shuddered at the chill that stole the warmth away from my person. Shivering I stood up and walked slowly towards my bedroom, my limbs oddly stiffening with protest at every step I took. It didn't take long for me to gather more clothing and head towards the bathroom, so that I may take a shower and ward off the chill of winter for a little while longer.
I stepped into the warm spray of water and shivered in pleasure as warmth was finally returned to me. It felt good to wash away the sweat and metaphorical dirt of "the days' work". My muscles slowly relaxed under the spray of water as I leaned my forehead against the wall, thoughts going towards the nightmare I just experienced. It was usually like this every night and it didn't bother me as much as I thought until this one…
It was a terrifying thing, really. A nightmare so old that it barely bothered me anymore morphed into something that made me want to cry and abandoned the cold exterior I had built up over the years and I soon felt them slide down my cheak and get carried off with the water. I shuddered almost violently as memories assaulted me once more. Memories of fists against my face and stomach, feet breaking ribs and forcing me down, hands groping and touching and words that assaulted me mentally…
A few minutes later I bounded out of the shower, throwing up in the toilet as I sobbed. I couldn't take it anymore. The memories were worse this time and they didn't stop, a constant stream…
I sat there for what felt like hours when it was more like minutes trying to figure out what was wrong with me. It was never this bad before. I could easily suppress these things in the past, ignore them if you will but now they wouldn't go away. Even sitting here, shivering in my bathroom naked, I realized I was still remembering things I long ago forgot. I shut my eyes as tight as they would go and tried to suppress the whimper that escaped my lips. This was the tradeoff I had. Instead of close friends and family, protecting them from myself and from my past, I was utterly alone. No one understood what I went through on a day-to-day basis. What I did to ensure that the cuts upon my wrists were hidden, what I did to ensure that I stayed at a healthy weight and not whittle away.
Angela soon coursed through my mind and tears came once more. I wanted so badly to tell her these things that were deeper than even the barriers I put up. I wanted so desperately for her to hold me to tell me things were going to be alright but in the end I knew this would never happen.
Shaking my head, I began to attempt to stand up and immediately felt like I was going to collapse just from doing that. With almost a yell I forced myself up on wobbly legs and made my way towards the door. Grunting once more I stumbled into my bedroom and collapsed upon the bed, uncaring of blankets or clothing as my eyes slowly shut.
-Next Day-
Slowly I regained consciousness and tried to ebb the vestiges of sleep away. Sitting up, I shivered at how cold it felt and realized I was still without clothing. I was lucky this time that my house had an extraordinarily good heating system and not something that was shit, otherwise I would have gotten sick and that could not happen. Sighing, I got up. Sore muscles screamed at me as well as my stomach. I heard a whimper at the door and I almost smacked myself. I had forgotten about Rusty! Cursing I made my way towards the door and was almost tackled to the ground by an excited dog. Smiling I kneeled down and rubbed his head.
"Sorry Rusty." I apologized and it seemed as if he understood me and gently licked the side of my face. Smiling, my mood lifted heavily thanks to Rusty, I made my way towards my closet and put on sweatpants and a simple t-shirt and made my way towards the kitchen.
I set the coffee brewer and looked over at the time, almost dropping Rusty's bowl and the contents in my shock. It was almost 4:00 in the afternoon and I couldn't help but continue to stare at the clock on the microwave. This was a first in almost…maybe 15 years that I had slept in so late. No wonder Rusty was so hungry and I vowed to give him a little extra treat for my negligence. I laughed heartily as I sat the bowl down, almost getting knocked over in the presence of a hungry Husky.
I made my way to my living room and plopped down on the couch, wondering what I was to do with the rest of my day. I couldn't really do all the things I wanted being as how it was…Christmas. My somewhat good mood was killed right then as today slowly set it. I was alone…Once more…On Christmas. Slumping down further into the couch and lying on it on my side, I stared blankly ahead of me, not truly seeing.
I was frustrated now, suddenly. Why am I so bothered now? This was not the first Christmas I spent alone, not the first time I felt alone either. I wasn't even truly alone! I had Rusty with me, a companion, that's all I needed. I didn't need a family; I didn't need friends or a lover. Not on Christmas anyway, and I certainly didn't know what was happening…I felt the tears once more and I wanted nothing more than to scream at myself. I was acting like an emotional little girl. Rubbing my face furiously I sat back up and leaned back, looking at the ceiling.
It was because of Angela, I suddenly thought after minutes of thinking. She had set something off in me; something that scared me yet gave me hope at the same time. I almost jumped when the wet nose of Rusty nudged against my arm. Smiling I looked at the Husky that was my friend and companion and started to pet him gently on the head, enjoying his warmth in this cold and empty house.
"What should we do today, Rusty?" I asked rhetorically and he barked at me, curling into my side. I couldn't help but laugh and relaxed in the couch, almost agreeing with the dog. I didn't truly feel like doing anything. It was a few days until work started up again and sadly enough I was done with all the things the Director had me do. I was bored, now. Nothing to pass the time except maybe read a book, or heaven forbid, watch TV.
I'd have to go out later, though, to buy food and stock the kitchen back up. Maybe buy a few bottles of alcohol to numb myself or help me relax even more. The bars would be open, I knew that. It wouldn't be the first Christmas where I spent "hammered" and gone from the world either, so that was another thing I could participate in.
Smiling down at Rusty, I relaxed even deeper into the couch, slowly falling back asleep.