Fear of Turning
In the Dark/In the Light
A short seventh year Marauder fic by Leona da Quirm
The Hogwarts grounds were cloudy but warm as students wandered out to flop down on the grass by the lake. This year's N. E. W. T.'s were over.
"Finally!"
Lily collapsed to the grass at the bottom of a beech tree. Dark-haired James floated slowly to the ground at her feet, gazing at her worshipfully, and grinning madly. Sirius strode up, and jokingly shoved him aside, plopping down in front of Lily, and said, "So, queen of the Defense Against the Dark Arts N. E. W. T., how do you block the Arsenius curse?"
Remus, who had walked up behind Sirius without a sound, said near his ear, "Oh, come on, Padfoot. Don't tell me you forgot that one!"
"Remus!" he yelled. "Don't do that! You know we're still on edge from that exam. I hate boggarts!"
"Yeah, me too," said Lily.
Peter, who had just walked up, still trembling slightly, said, "What did you see in that broom closet, Sirius?"
Black tried to grin lightheartedly, and said, "I'll only tell you if you all say what yours was."
"Three guesses what I saw," said Remus lightly. "It's nothing I haven't been facing for seven years, thanks to you chaps."
"The moon?" said Lily. "I wonder what the instructor thought?"
"Actually, he asked me why I was so afraid of Disco balls," Moony said. "I told him it was because next I might have to watch him dance."
Sirius roared with laughter. James and Peter chuckled.
"That was brilliant!" gasped Sirius. "In true Marauder style!"
"Although I have to say I thought better of you, Remus, even after spending all your time with these three," said Lily, but she had been giggling too.
"He had no right asking," said Lupin resignedly. "I was only being rude in return."
"Now, James," said Sirius, "What did you see?"
James blushed. "Doesn't anyone else want to go?"
"What was it, James?" asked Remus. "Why are you blushing? You don't have to be embarrassed. Everyone's scared of something, even the brave James Potter."
"If you must know," said James, blushing an even deeper red, "It was Lily. Yelling at me."
Sirius sniggered. Lily looked incredulous and faintly accusing. "Now why should you be so scared of that?" she asked. "You've stopped doing those things that made me want to yell at you."
Prongs averted his eyes. His ears and neck were now red along with his face. "I try," he muttered. He looked as if he was considering going and jumping in the lake.
Then he turned back to her. "Lily, what are you most afraid of?"
"Lethifolds," she said, and shuddered slightly. "Remember when we learned about them last year? They're so spooky. You can be eaten by one and no one will ever know what happened, not even you. You'd just disappear out of your bed. I was afraid to go to sleep for a week, even though I know they don't live in this climate. I had to make Remus help me learn the Patronus charm."
"Well, it was a great help in this exam, knowing it," said Remus. "I never would have learned it if it wasn't for you. And like I said, everyone's afraid of something. What about you, Peter?"
"I – I don't know," he muttered.
"Come on, Peter," said James. "Promise we won't laugh."
"Th-that's what I'm afraid of," he cried. "I opened the closet door and it wasn't a closet – it was a whole room full of people, laughing at me." He hung his head.
"Oh, Peter," said Lily, "Everyone's afraid of that." She smiled at him.
"Yeah, Wormhead, you should've known that's nothing to be ashamed of." Sirius grinned. "Hmm. Well, I guess that's everyone else." He grimaced slightly. "Well, I am a marauder of my word. All right then, what I saw was…my mother."
They all stared at him for a moment.
"Sirius…" began James, but trailed off.
"We haven't heard much about your family, and we've never met them," said Remus. "But I know that since fifth year you've spent all your holidays at James's house. Sirius, why?"
"That's the year she disowned me and told me never to come back. Don't worry about it," he said, seeing their solemn faces, trying to shrug it off. "I never liked it there anyway." He sighed. "My family. A bunch of purebred sons of bitches, the lot of them."
Lily was too concerned about him to comment on his language. "It's just so horrible when people are like that. I know. My sister Petunia is just the opposite. She's always hated me for being a witch, and now that she's moved out and gotten married, she's intent on ignoring my existence entirely. But we can't let them ruin our lives. Sirius, why does your mother frighten you so much?"
"Lily, she's a master of the Dark Arts. The Blacks always have been. All she cares about is the family's honor as pureblood wizards, and the only thing that stops her from running around cursing people who get in her way is that she's completely off her nut! And nobody sees it but me."
"Sirius," said James slowly, "Why'd she disown you?"
"She told me to stay away from mudbloods, and I told her to shut up, and said that being a Marauder was more important to me than any family history. If I hadn't gotten out of the house quick, she would've killed me."
They sat silent for a moment. Then a boy with greasy black hair came up to them and sneered, "Why all the long faces? Perhaps you've all failed your Defense Against the Dark Arts exam? Too busy passing notes?"
"Why don't you mind your own business?" snarled Sirius, but Lily gave him a look, and he subsided. James lowered his glare as well. But Peter suddenly said, "I – I think you're right, Lily," and turned to the boy. "Severus, I need to speak with you. Could you come over here?"
They moved to a spot on the grass away from everyone else. "What is it, Pettigrew? Can't it wait until we're back in the Slytherin common room?"
"I – I don't think anyone should hear this, Severus. Not even Slytherins. And in there there's m-much more chance of someone listening, don't you think?" Peter took out his wand and did a Soundproofing Spell on the surrounding area.
"What is all this about? I would have thought you'd do anything to avoid talking to me without Potter's little gang backing you up. I've always wondered how a little Muggle-loving coward like you got sorted into Slytherin. Why the sudden change of heart?"
"It's not exactly sudden, Severus. I've always been truly loyal to Slytherin, at heart."
"Do you really expect me to believe that, Pettigrew? After all these years of fraternizing with Gryffindors, letting them taunt m- your fellow Slytherins, betraying your housemates at every opportunity? Do you think you can just come to me and say, oh, sorry, I'm not a filthy little traitor, I was just playing mad tea party?" Severus was shaking with rage.
"Severus, it hasn't been easy for me," he whined. "Believe me; I hate them as much as you do. At first it was just because they were mean to me, like the other Slytherins. Then they befriended me, and at first I thought I had finally got what I wanted. But soon I realized something. I wasn't really one of them. Just because I was a Slytherin, I could never be their equal in their eyes. Certainly, they tried to make me seem like one of the gang, but they always left me one step behind. They always said to themselves, 'Oh, we'd better bring Peter along.' And they thought they were so righteous for doing that. Severus, it nearly drove me mad, pretending not to notice. But believe me, Severus, everything I did was for my own purposes; and for the honor of pureblood wizards like us. I am a Slytherin. I always have been."
"Then why betray us? What could possibly be an excuse? Why bother to tell me this? There's nothing you could say to redeem yourself to me."
"This is not an excuse, Severus. I don't need you to excuse me. But I do think I can offer something to you that you want."
"What could a pathetic little adopted Gryffindor like you offer to me?"
"Revenge," said Wormtail, and there was a dangerous glint in his small beady eyes that Snape had never seen before.
"What are you talking about?" he said warily.
"Mudbloods and Muggles. Annoying, disrespectful, stupid, condescending, awful, soppy little mudbloods. That fool Evans girl who thinks she can make wizards and Muggles get along. And cowards like Black who would betray their own family name rather than face the power they could have." Peter's voice was full of resentment. "I had to do something. If I hadn't gained their trust, I'd be as much at their mercy as you. But the time will come when they will be at our mercy. I'm offering you a chance to be on the winning side. I'm offering you a chance for revenge."
"You're delusional, Pettigrew. You're insane. Are you just baiting me so that I'll kill you and your little gang can get me in trouble? Or do you actually think that you're going to lead a pureblood revolution? You?" Snape laughed, a greasy laugh.
"I wouldn't laugh if I were you. I know what I'm saying."
"Even if what you say is true, Pettigrew, you're only a mediocre wizard, while your friends are – well – James Potter. What more need be said? Besides, you're too much of a coward to do anything about it. You're nothing but a skulking sneak."
Peter laughed quietly. "And what did you see in the broom closet, Snivelus? A lack of power, helplessness, being up in the air? A few school children are able to do that to you. Do you think it's just them you hate? Or is it every wizard who doesn't understand the respect that should be paid to the traditions of magic?
"I'm not afraid of that anymore. I'm not afraid that I'll spend my whole life following them around like a loyal pet. I'm not afraid that some halfblood wizard can take away from me the power that should rightfully be mine. Do you know why, Severus? Because I have very powerful friends."
He pulled up his sleeve to show Severus his forearm.
Snape's face went ashen. 'He calls himself Lord Voldemort,' he had heard whispered. 'This sign appears over the houses of the mudbloods he kills.'
'A murderer?' he had asked.
'No!' the answer had been full of fear. 'A leader of all pureblood families who wish to protect their heritage. And not a man to slight with that word!'
But Pettigrew was speaking again. "You will not treat me as one of them any longer, will you, Severus?" he hissed. "It was essential that you did so until this day, when they will never see you again. But we will meet again, and you will treat me with respect, as a follower of Lord Voldemort."
Snape nodded weakly.
"I must endure their pity a little longer, but soon we will both be rid of them. Soon all power will rest with Voldemort and his followers. The Dark Lord thinks that you might be useful in his cause. I would like to have you as a friend, not an enemy, fellow Slytherin. Think about it."
Peter waved his wand and dispelled the soundproofing spell. Then he walked back, leaving Severus standing, looking lost.
As he approached the beech tree again, Padfoot laughed. "What did you say to him, Peter? He's white as a sheet!"
"Lily, like you said, we can't let people ruin our lives. I told him I wasn't afraid of him."
"Good for you, Peter!" she said.
As the Marauders gave him a loud cheer, he felt a pang of regret.