The Inconvenient Truth
Just a little oneshot. One-sided Tokka. Poor Toph...
I waited a long time in my life to feel love. I had always loved other people, but it had never been returned to me. At least, not in the way I wanted. My parents gave me everything I asked for, keeping me hidden from the world out of… love, I guess. But it just wasn't the same. It made me hate them more than anything else. When I ran away to help Aang, I saw how they all loved each other, like a family. I think eventually, they started to love me that way too. It was okay, but I wanted more. I wanted the kind of love that Aang and Katara had, even though they denied it. The kind that was so obvious in Sokka's voice when he talked about the moon (which I thought was weird. But no one ever explained to me that Ms. Lunar Goody Goody was his ex-girlfriend).
Sokka. His name made me feel stupid. All giggly and hyper… like a girl. I guess it only meant that I liked him, but it still annoyed the hell out of me. I couldn't just be normal around him anymore. I had to get nervous and start blushing, my heart beating so fast that it was hard to concentrate on the vibrations in the earth. He could hurt me worse than anyone else, with a simple put down meant as a joke or ignoring me. I would usually just brush it off and fire back a few insults at him, but inside me every word left a bruise. It made me feel idiotic, because we were just joking. But something in my head kept saying: what if that's what he really thinks?
He was the first boy I ever liked, that I ever loved. Of course, he was practically the first boy I'd ever met, too. Its kind of hard to meet people when you're locked up in your house for the first twelve years of your life. But that didn't matter. I still wanted to be with him, even if I was lacking experience. He was one of the only people I had ever known that didn't care if I was blind. Sometimes he even went so far as to forget about it. I felt normal when I was with Sokka (when I got past the blushing and all that crap), and not like some freak part of a sideshow that needed help with everything. I felt like I could finally just be me, and no one else.
I tried so hard. Every moment with him was just another chance to make him like me. Every joke, punch, hug, or witty remark was a way to get close to him. I thought I was a genius. I was finally getting somewhere. Just a little bit more time, and maybe he'd return my feelings…
But then she showed up. Suki. And she was everything I wasn't.
For one thing, they already knew each other. She was taller than me, and older, so Sokka could already see himself being with her more likely than me. She could fight. I could fight too, and I didn't use dinky little fans. That had to be a point for me. She was probably pretty, they way he talked about her. She was smart, too. I wasn't. She was kind and generous and sweet. I was loud and selfish and bossy. Of course he'd choose her. Of course he'd kiss her. Of course he'd do anything to save her…
After Suki left, I was happy. Sounds cruel, but hey, Miss. Prissy-Pants wasn't exactly helping me in any way. Maybe I had to start all over again, but it wasn't impossible. I could still do it. Its easy to be hopeful when you're ignorant of all the facts. And that's exactly what I was. Ignorant Toph.
Months passed, and I worked harder than before. I tried to be nicer, I tried to open up to people, to him. All I wanted was for him to love me back. I couldn't understand why that was such a large demand. Was it really so much to ask? It didn't seem like it. Sure, there were more important things I could be doing, like teaching Aang earthbending or "reconnecting" with my parents. But I wanted someone to care about me before I went insane.
We lived undercover in the Fire Nation, invaded said Nation, and lost. Life was pretty great, besides the losing part, and Zuko burning my feet. But then Snoozles just had to carry me around whenever I wanted, so it wasn't so bad. Of course, I guess all bliss has to come to an end sometime. And mine did all too soon. You would've thought, being so miserable all my life, that I'd get a little extra time? A little extra elbow room to enjoy myself. But nooo. The spirits just couldn't be that considerate. I must've done something horrible in a past life…
Fan-Girl came back. This time, she wasn't leaving. My whole world shattered in front of me, and I was left with a broken heart. Like always.
They were always together, kissing and hugging. Sokka did everything for her, and both of their hearts beat faster when the other was in sight. They hated being separated for more than a few minutes. He barely gave me the time of day anymore, not even for the simplest question or wisecrack. The alone time we spent together laying in the grass and making fun of each other was long gone. All destroyed by her. Yet I couldn't bring myself to hate her. I couldn't hate who Sokka loved. Besides, he was happy. I just hoped she knew how much I would kill to be in her place.
And now I'd just about kill an entire city to be in her place. Walking down the aisle, with him waiting at the end.
I sat in a wooden chair near the front, in an uncomfortable poofy dress Katara had forced me into for the wedding. Sokka and Suki were both standing next to each other, reciting vows. Aang was Sokka's best man, while a bunch of other fan-waving dorks were Suki's maid of honor and bride's maids. The whole thing made me sick, and I had put on a show of being disgusted with all of the lovey dovey crap going on. Secretly, I was only hurting, plain and simple. I was just too stubborn to let anyone know.
All of the vibrations I was feeling were joyful to others, torturous to me. The little flower girl tossing rose petals into the air, dropping them softly onto the ground, yet the impacts shooting at me like an electric shock. The train of Suki's dress swishing on the floor, crushing the flowers. The feeling of their hands locked together as vows were recited, both of their hearts beating in synchronization.
I wanted to stand up and ask someone to please, just twist the knife a little more. I think they missed a spot when they ripped out my heart. No, scratch that. They didn't just rip it out. They took it, cut it into little tiny pieces, dropped it from the highest point in the world, and then they stomped all over it and tossed it deep into the ocean. That would be more accurate.
Yet I didn't move. Even though I felt like there was a hurricane raging inside me, I sat perfectly still, my face staying blank. And for once in my life, I silently thanked my parents for restricting me so. If they hadn't, I was sure that I would've never been able to keep my composure. And we wouldn't want to make a scene would we? I could imagine it, earthbending their entire ceremony to shreds. The horrified looks on their faces. Well, considering that I couldn't see, the horrified sound of their voices. Running away and never looking back. I knew how much that I would hurt him, though. Hurt all of them. I could never do it.
But then I came back to reality, and realized it was time. Possibly the worst moment in my life.
I pulled my feet up an sat cross-legged in the wooden chair so I wouldn't have to feel anything. Just listen to the stupid words.
"You may now kiss the bride."
I tilted my head down to the floor, even though it didn't matter. It wasn't like I could see anything anyway. I didn't want to have to hear, either, but I didn't need to worry about that part. Because after those words were spoken, everyone stood up and cheered. The shouts were magnified in my ears because of my heightened senses to make up for one lost. All I could hear was roaring in my brain, like the ocean crashing against cliffs. Just like years ago, when I first met her. Now I was blocked off from sight and sound. I wished it could always be this way.
"Don't worry, Toph," Katara whispered next to my hear, placing a hand on my shoulder, "One day, you'll find love too. And then it won't… hurt so much anymore."
I'm still waiting. I think I always will be.
There you go! I hope you liked it! Review please, and tell me what you think! :)