Four Letter Lie
Loving him is the worst pain I've ever felt, and yet I can't force myself to regret it. He's caused me more pain than anyone else I've ever met – him, the one I love. It was a struggle at first. Just one of the million kid crushes you have in high school. You know, the ones where you think you love him. But after a while, you begin to realize that there's nothing else in the world that matters more, and you simply can't live another moment without it. And before long, that one thing is gone, and you're left alone, picking up the pieces of your own shattered heart. Just when I was beginning to think that there was nothing worse than loving someone who doesn't love you back, I was proven wrong: there's absolutely nothing worse than loving someone who used to love you. But how could he have loved me? How could you ever love someone that you've hurt so badly?
My legs pushed themselves forward as my arms pumped back and forth, trying to push my body further into the inky darkness. My eyes darted around frantically, salty tears streaming down my face. I couldn't remember why I was crying, or even where I was running to. When my lips parted and sobbed out a single, heartbreaking word, I suddenly realized that I was looking for someone.
"Richard," I didn't recognize the desperate voice that had escaped my lungs. It was desperate and pleading; the way I always seem to feel lately, but never show. I pushed my legs faster, my eyes scanning the blackness in front of me with a single purpose: to find him. The only person who could ever have this effect on me. The one who makes me feel alive every time I see him, who breaks my heart every time I look into his eyes.
I stopped short as I heard a familiar laugh. I looked around, trying to determine where the voice was coming from. My tears stopped, and my shaking hands clenched into fists. The high-pitched, taunting laugh continued as I began to back away, trying to escape it. I squeezed my eyes shut, covering my face with my fists. My feet kept moving backward, trying to get away from the horrid voice.
"Shut up!" I yell. Again, the voice that rips from my chest isn't mine. It was fierce and angry; another side of me that no one has ever seen. The voice keeps laughing, unhindered by my air-piercing demand. I hate that voice more than anything. It reminds me exactly why I cry every night before I go to sleep. Of exactly why I can never be truly happy. But if he's happy, I'll be glad to live through this torment quietly.
Suddenly, the ground disappears beneath me, and I'm falling. I don't feel anything, and I have no sense of direction. I don't even know if I'm falling up or down. My teeth clench together to keep from screaming; the laughter had finally stopped, and silence took it's place. I like the silence, I don't want to break it. My arms reach forward again, reaching for the person who can save me. The love of my life.
I jerked upright in bed, panting heavily. I glanced at the clock out of habit, and seeing that it was only 3:45 in the morning, lowered myself back down onto my pillow. I wiped my hand across my face with a sigh, and discovered that it was covered in tears. I wiped the rest of them away with the edge of my thin purple blanket with a groan. I can never get a decent night's sleep anymore. This was the third time this month that I'd had this dream.
I rolled over onto my side and stared at the picture on my desk, knowing from experience that I wouldn't be able to get anymore sleep tonight. It was a picture of him. Richard Grayson, the boy of my dreams. I was in the picture, too. His arm is draped over my shoulder, and mine are wrapped tightly around his built waist. He's looking down with me, smiling. Showing off those beautiful white teeth in his breath-taking smile. I'm smiling, too, of course. I can't not smile, when he's around. At least that much hadn't changed…
That picture was taken two years ago, when we were the happiest couple at Gotham High. Well, I was happy. He obviously never found the same pleasure in the relationship that I did. I didn't know it until he broke up with me, exactly eleven months and nine days ago. Almost a year and I still miss him.
That was back when I was a freshman in high school. He was a sophomore. We met in health class, and I swear, it was love at first sight. The first thing I saw when I walked into that stuffy, cramped classroom was his beautiful blue eyes. Blue and endless, like the ocean. No… it would be more like the sky. Infinite. And he noticed me, too. He looked at me, and we smiled at each other… and then it was only a matter of time. It's a shock that I was able to keep him as long as I did. I didn't know it back then, but he didn't exactly have the best reputation in the world. "Playboy of GHS," and I didn't believe it until afterwards. Well, you know what they say about love being blind.
I sighed and rolled over, turning my body to face the wall. I try to blink away the fresh tears threatening to escape my eyes, but they leak out of my closed eyelids. I don't bother wiping them away this time. There was really no point; once I got started, I only had to wait it out for a while. I try to take steady breaths, but they come out shaky. I pursed my lips, holding my breath, and started counting. When I got to thirty seven, I released the air in my lungs, and although the tears hadn't quite stopped falling, the worst part was over.
I glanced over at the clock again. Had it really only been eleven minutes? I sighed and turned back to the wall, closing my eyes again. I tucked my thin legs in toward my chest and pulled my thin blanket closer. Today was going to be a long day.
Author's Notes:
Hey, everyone. I'd like to thank you all for reading, and if you would, please keep up with this fic. I promise to fill it up with tons of drama and keep you on the edge of your seat (or at least try to). As you can see, this is written in the first person. It's a type of writing that I'm not quite used to, and I'm sort of experimenting, so bear with me. I haven't exactly specified who's point of view I'm writing from, but I bet you can guess.
Feel free to review. Reviews motivate me to continue my stories. This is just the prologue, so I should have the first chapter up very soon. Within the next couple of days or so. Happy reading! 3